Originally posted by: Ashley.Tisdale
Okay just as promised, an OS on Shamsher, after he's lost Mehak. My interpretation of what he would go through š
Warning: Does have mature theme because...well its Shamsher we're dealing with here šā¤ļø
**************
Beautiful Pain
The burn of the alcohol was nothing like the burn coursing in my veins. It felt like ever cell of mine was on fire, and the fire had been on so long, that it did not even bother me anymore. The world was spinning out of control until it was a blur of shapeless objects. Colors did not make any sense. Food did not make any sense. Life did not make any sense.
She was goneā¦how would anything else even matter now?
The only girl who made me feel somethingā¦alive.
Mehak.
F**k, it was painful to even think of her name.
Losing her meant I lost a part of me. Noā¦my entire being was as good as non-existent. I would not see her again. I would not marry her now. I would not wake up next to her. I would not be able to make her feel like the queen she was.
No nothing. Everything was over within a blink of an eye.
I knew my family was terrified of my behavior. My mother would bring a tray full of food everyday for every meal, only to have it returned untouched. My brother tried to talk to me but I was so zoned out that I did not even hear what he said. My father was trying to send me somewhere āfor a breakā but I did not have the will to get off the bed. My friend, Shahmeer was calling me regularly, but I did not receive the calls, neither did I bother to return his calls.
Numbing the pain with alcohol was the only solution. As the world grew dizzier with every sip, I laughed at my plight bitterly. Fate had played the worst game with me.
I had everything in the world. All I had to do was declare that I wanted something. But this timeā¦who would I tell that I wanted Mehak? She was gone forever, and there was no way in the universe I could get her back.
The bitter taste of cigarettes was hurting my throat. It did not bother me though, nothing bothered me. No pain was as bad as the suffering I was feeling right now. I needed to numb it though, somehow. Even if it were for a short period of time, just enough to help me sleep. But how?
At that moment, I noticed my phone buzzing repeatedly. Pissed and about to throw it across the room, the name flashing on the screen stopped me. There were a 100+ messages from Luau, one of the many girls I had ditched after I decided all I wanted to marry Mehak. I scrolled through the chat, they were all suggestive messages, pictures, along with words of comfort.
She was sympathizing so that I would f**k her.
Wellā¦letās give her that too. Anything that would take away the pain, even for a short whileā¦
***
The minute she entered the room, my lips attacked hers hungrily, kissing her as painfully as I could to numb myself.
She was interested, the way she pressed herself against me. Her warmth should have been comforting. Nothing mattered though, as I staggered us across the room and fell on the bed. She straddled me, the lust in her eyes apparent, removing my t-shirt hurriedly.
āIāll take care of you,ā she whispered.
The one who gave me life was now gone. What difference does it make if I am being taken care of? Honestly, no one could do that now. She could try though.ā¦
I hissed as the internal pain soared the minute I remembered my love was not with me anymore. In an attempt to push it aside again, I grabbed Luauās hair, pulling her on top of me roughly to kiss her again. She was turned on, rubbing herself against meā¦but I could not feel a thing.
Growling in frustration, I pinned her to the bed, nearly tearing off her top. Maybe feeling more of her would help.
She was in it, she was investing, moaning my name while I ran my mouth everywhere. I did not need the foreplay and neither did I care about her pleasureā¦it was about mine, and I was still unfazed.
Feeling the mix of pain and anger take over me, I tore off her underwear, and pushed my pants below just enough to do the deed. She clawed at my back, kissing my ear and neck, encouraging me.
Butā¦nothing.
I nearly screamed, pulling away to look at her lying beneath me. What was missing? Doe eyes full of pleasure tears and lust, long hair perfect to be pulled while I unleashed the animal within me, full lips swollen because of me, shapely assets that I loved once upon a time, a tiny waist begging to be marked, her quim ready for me to take herā¦she was perfect.
She wasā¦she was not Mehak.
I shook my head, rolling off her and pulling my pants up, not bothering to wear a shirt, hobbling my way to the bar in my room.
āYou can leave,ā I gruffly said, pouring myself yet another drink. The woman started yelling, expletives and otherwise. āI saidā¦get out,ā I said as coldly as I could. Luau flinched at the danger in my voice, quickly dressing up and running as quickly as she could, stumbling over her own heels.
Normally, no woman would leave my bed until she was completely sated. I prided myself in putting their pleasure before mine, the ego maniac in me could just finish off at the sight of their flushed faces, lips apart and cheeks stained with pleasure tears.
Butā¦there was always a first.
I lit a cigarette, taking in a huge puff, letting my lungs burn as I downed my glass of scotch to add to it. Falling back on the bed, I continued to exhale huge spirals of smoke, lighting cigarette after cigarette. Maybe I needed something strongerā¦something that was illegal.
Noā¦I needed Mehak.
To hold her hand through good and bad times.
To hold her in my arms and make her feel safe.
To make her smile at the silliest of jokes.
Exceptā¦I could notā¦not anymore.
A huge laugh escaped me, along with fat tears rolling down my cheeks. My body shook violently as the tremors of pain took over, causing me to roll to my side and bury my face in my pillow. I let out loud screams of anguish until my throat decided it could not take the abuse anymore. The world continued spiraling and turned darkā¦blackā¦deadā¦
āShamsher?ā
The voice froze me and my insides, almost making me sober instantly. Turning around slowly, I nearly fainted at the sight. Clad in all white as pure as herself stood Mehak, her hair flowing, a tiny knowing smile on her face. She looked different than usual, more at peace, lessā¦human.
āAre you really here?ā I managed to croak, attempting to reach out to hold her. The outline of her body was whispy, thin, almost non-existent. The only way I knew she was not really here.
āWell you called me, didnāt you?ā She grinned, walking across the bed to prop herself on pillows next to me.
āIām going to sound like the biggest hypocrite on the planet for saying this butā¦shouldnāt you not be in the room of a man who isnāt your husband?ā I coughed to clear my throat, failing miserably.
She shook her head, āWell then, its a good thing Iām dead.ā
āDonāt say that,ā I sniffled, tears rolling off my cheeks which I did not even bother to wipe. Some man I am.
āIts okay to let it out,ā she said softly. āYouāre in pain.ā
āBecause of you. Because you left me,ā I replied shakily. āWhy did you leave me, Mehak?ā
She smiled sadly, āThe car crash was not my fault. Other than thatā¦I never really wanted to be with you.ā
The searing pain in my chest increased, threatening my breathing, āWhat?ā
āYou forced yourself into my life, jailed my father and mentally got him tortured until he broke down, kidnapped my first groom on my wedding day and scared the life out of him, threatened to kill my family if I wouldnāt marry youā¦give me one good reason I would agree to be your wife willingly with a huge smile on my face.ā
Oh God. What had I done? I had hurt her and the people around her, tortured her even until she would agree to be mine. And on the other handā¦I had put the needs of the women after me first when it came to wining, dining and f**kingā¦holy shitā¦f**k!!!!
āI hurt the only woman I have ever loved,ā I manage to blurt out through my tears, my body shaking uncontrollably again, the tremors shaking my bed. Mehak looked at me with a sad smile on her face, while I starred at her, realizing the horrors I had put her through. āIām sorryā¦Iām sorry Iām sorry Iām sorryā¦ā I chanted repeatedly, hoping it could make up for even a small percent of my crimes.
āYou donāt need to apologize to me, Shamsher. Iām already dead,ā she lay down on the pillows. Reaching out, I felt her finger, cold and textured like wind (if that was a thing), run from my forehead to my jaw repeatedly. I sighed, still crying, not even having the guts to pull her to me. To hug her and show her how sorry I was.
āIāmāā
āCalm down, Shamsher.ā Her voice was eerily soft. āCrying and feeling pain wonāt bring me back, neither is it gonna make you feel any better.ā
āWhat do I do then?ā I asked her desperately. āI donāt want to be a monster.ā
āApologize to my family,ā she replied. āWhether they accept it or not is a different thing. And for Godās sake, donāt just walk into my house and pick up my stuff next time.ā
āSorry,ā I said again, meekly.
She sighed, a grin spreading across her face, āSoā¦Luau huh.ā
āI was hoping you didnāt see that,ā I turned red in embarrassment.
āWell, since you ālove me so dearlyā,ā she made the quotations in the air. āI think I sort of live inside you in a way. Hence, I saw her. Too much of her if you ask me.ā
āI thought it would numb the pain,ā I told her truthfully. āBut thatās when I realizedā¦I didnāt want anyone but you.ā
She half-smiled at me, āIām not here anymore Shamsher, you know this entire conversation is your heart talking to your mind. So you can do whatever you want.ā
āThatās what you donāt get,ā I grabbed her right hand, it felt weirdly airy in my warm palm. āI would never force myself upon you. You were it for me. Iām sure thereās no one else in the world made for me.ā
āSo youāve decided to never move on in your life?ā She inquired.
āNever,ā I breathed, noticing now that my tears had stopped. āI love you and only you. Canāt do that again.ā
āThen for me, make amends. Apologize. And never do anything so traumatic and horrible ever again.ā Mehak commanded me, her sweet voice firm as steel.
āJust as you wishā¦ā I felt my eyelids getting heavier. āCan youā¦stay with me till I fall asleep?ā
She grinned and scooted closer, āIf I were still human Iād say noā¦but Iāll do you a favor.ā
I tucked her under my chin, holding her with shaky hands, reveling at the feeling of her thread-like cool body pressed against mine. āAre you okay with this?ā
āI am not really here Shamsher, so its okay. Good night.ā
āGood night babyā¦ā
With her in my arms, I fell into the deepest sleep of my life. Her scent was soothing, divine almost, and her breath against the bare skin of my chest was what made me believe she was here. I know this would end the minute I would wake up tomorrow morning. But I indulged myselfā¦just for tonight.
The last thing I remembered was the face of woman who had taken my heart with her to the heavensā¦the only way a part of a sinner like me would reach paradiseā¦
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