Hello folks, this work is a collaboration between myself and @VaishnaviG based on a few pages of discussion from yesterday's EDT, when we were all wondering about exactly what kaand would happen if the Pandyas were to emigrate to the States. And then we gave it our own twists...
Dedication from @VaishnaviG: To @mpks1, @Anu_V and @Khubsurat123
Prema Akka, to you for having the strength to watch through the whole episode and telling us exactly which bits to skip right over. And to your endearing love-hate relationship with this ever more confounding show... Why do we love it so much again?
Warnings: Prema Akka, you might want to brace yourself for the ending because there's a very obvious Easter egg woven in there... It's a crackfic, written solely for fun, no intention to harm anyone's sentiments. Focuses mostly on the whole family.
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The Kandyas, oops!!! Pandyas, I meant... He he...
Well yes, as I was saying it, the Pandyas, contrary to popular belief, were not poor. At all. Somnath simply wasn't the luckiest of cities for them, and fearing the effect of excess bhuri nazar they had carried out a drama of selective gareebi generation after generation.
So, once they'd dramatised the opening of a new branch of Pandya Store in Somnath as much as they could they did what smart people living in unlucky cities did. They couriered the board with the haath ka chaapa to their real new branch and replaced it with a larger fake board. Now you must be wondering where this new branch is, yes? New York City, the city that never sleeps!!! All the better for the family's kaands to come about you see, what with the extra waking, and probably working, hours. But the Pandyas journey to the Store they'd already brought and equipped in the middle of Manhattan wasn't an easy one..... Most of the family had passports already, thanks to Darshan Pandya's forethought and need for escape routes. The man had run away on business trips- read, into hiding- whenever Suman Pandya, his very loved wife, had felt, not so loved. Fearing the same happening to his sons, he had gotten them all passports. His son Gautam Pandya had carried on the tradition and had regularly renewed his brother's passports as well in familial concern.
The Visas though, were a completely different thing. They required interviews at the American Embassy in Ahmedabad. And they required English. Issues. Gautam survived thanks to his stellar Maa ka masoom baccha and Patni ki sharan main naa ghirke bhi ghiraane faces. Dhara had gotten through by playing her hormonal harmonium and playing the pregnant woman about to simultaneously orgasm and faint without that visa "Oh Mr. Crook!!!!" card. Kaka, Maama, and Hardik had been themselves, and that had been mostly enough. The rest were, issues. Bullet point list worthy issues.
a) The Embassy had refused to accept Dev's MBA from Academy YouTube, and had almost framed him for fraud before he'd agreed to call himself a paltry B. Com graduate.
b) Rishita's application had nearly been trashed when she'd talked about the wonders she'd perform with a Corporate Job in hand, the staff thinking there had been a mix up between a family visa and a work permit.
c) Krish had been failing at college, a fact he'd been hiding from the phamily by getting the girls of his batch to enter the staff room and remove his report cards from the bunches waiting to be mailed off to families.
d) Must we talk about Shiva? Too many cases filed with the police. Period. And to add to it, when the interviewer in the next cabin had been making googly eyes at Raavi's gol mol baatein and hair twirling fingers, Shiva had made sure to trip him. The man's nose had survived. Thankfully.
e) Maami had been misidentified because she'd gone in to the parlor Pandya's ki sasti Maami Prafulla, then walked out New York ki sasti Kanya Kumari Ulla. Because that was, apparently, style.
f) Anita had dreamt her way through the interview, flirting away with her female interviewer. That had helped her, but also acquired her a new fan, who was not her type. At least Raavi had caught a fan following of the right gender.
g) Dishu urf Disha, had walked into the interview room before letting him know that she already had an American visa that she used to visit her brother's family with. Much to his mother's pleasure and Shiva's chipku ladki grumbles.
The biggest of his issues couldn't be contained within a bullet point, though. His Maa had chased her interviewer around the Embassy grounds with Danda Pandya- honorary family member- when he'd asked her if she was interested in getting married while living in the USA and setting down. Damn Darshan Pandya. When Gautam had seen that, he'd known it was time for drastic measures.
That night, once everyone had fallen asleep Gautam jumped into Kua not-a-Pandya. Not for suicide!!! He would live alone with his wife if he wanted that. For the treasure trove of cash the not so selectively gareeb Pandya's had always maintained, but only the male head of family ever knew about. And then he spent all night bribing the officers of the Embassy into providing them with Visas.
Now, passports and visas in hand, tickets booked, house secretively packed up, kua ka treasure in hand, the family stood in the aangan and looked to the West with the family song- Yaadon ke baaraat, laa laa la laa la- playing in the background. To their new store. To the future.
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It's a new soundtrack I could dance to this beat, beat forevermore
The lights are so bright but they never blind me, me
Welcome to New York (New York!)
It's been waitin' for you
Welcome to New York, welcome to New York
The Pandyas walked into John F Kennedy International with the right background music blasting away from imaginary speakers.... The family was gleeful that they didn't have to act gareeb anymore, Rishita in particular dancing away, happy that her wish of coming abroad and settling down was finally coming to fruition. She had been secretly planned to have Dev handle this branch of the chain of upcoming Pandya store’s and get set away from the Adbut Pandya Parivaar, first letters capital.
After the long journey, the women all unanimously decided that a trip to the rest rooms were necessary. They called it freshening up a little- code for, we need to check on our special for-the-airport stylist approved looks and have a mini gossip session like proper ladies do- and walked off. Dishu urf Disha, Suman Maa Pandya, and Raavi were waiting for their turns in the toilets that Rishita and Dhara had occupied, clearly on account of high born woman and pregnant woman privileges. At that moment in wondrous time, a firangi woman in her late twenties walked in, throwing a sparkly smile at all and sundry. She asked Disha if she had lipstick, strictly deep red, and Disha, positively gleeful at being addressed first nodded, pulling out the same from her beauty kit, ahem, purse, and handing it over.
As they conversed, Suman Maa Pandya silently observed them seeing as she couldn’t understand English. Once Lady Firangi had thanked and started to praise and butter Disha for helping her and talked about how people have become so very egoistic and carry selfish attitudes instead of deep red lipsticks, Disha thanked her, flashing all 34 (chudails do have extras, don't they?) teeth. She then translated the conversation to Suman, making sure to be opportunistic and solidify her good impression.
"Hai hi meri Disu itni sanskaari! Do sau gunn hai iss mein!“ Suman said glaring at Raavi. Raavi, true to her own nature (what was that? Chipkali, chudail, panauti?), managed to throw a tight smile at kaki and roll her eyes at Disha, muttering under her breath. ”Itna kya bada pahaad utha liya, yeh toh mein bhi kar sakti agar mauka dete toh”.
Disha smirked at Raavi, not knowing what karma had in store for her. Lady Firangi with a penchant for deep red happened to be a diamond smuggler carrying uncut diamonds worth a couple crores in her bag. Smart creature that she was, the moment she'd figured that Customs Duty at the Airport had gotten a whiff of exactly what she carried, she'd decided to be alert and walked into the restroom to trap someone. Dishu urf Disha had just been the one.
Now as Disha turned to use the loo recently unoccupied by pregnant lady Dhara, Lady Firangi offered politely to handle her purse for her, promising to wait till she came back out. As soon as Disha walked in, she swiftly yet silently let the pouch of diamonds fall into Disha’s purse unnoticed by Suman Maa Pandya or any other Pandya. As Disha appeared Lady Firangi hurriedly returned the purse to Disha and made her excuses.
Now with the rest of the family, the Pandyas had to cross yet another check point set up solely for the purpose of acting on the hint that Customs had received earlier in the day, emptying and checking the contents of everyone's bags. Disha began to sweat at this as her super secret, dedicated to Mission Patao Mr. Bad Boy Shiva Pandya diary lay in her bag with her bullet pointed lists lying in innocent wait.
Noticing her sweating and fidgeting, an officer skips the line to reach her. At the end of the day, Dishu urf Disha, despite her own and Suman Maa Pandya's arduous protesting, is exposed both as diamond smuggler extraordinaire, and as a planned patao Shiva chor. (What no one notices is one diamond, uncut, white, stick to kaka's sleeve and not let go. It would have a long story yet.)
The next day, Suman Maa Pandya decides that Dishu urf Disha deserves Dhara ka haath ka adbut thepla for having been framed, her poor Dishu. She wheels into the NYPD (Police station ka itna bada naam?) at attack speed, metal tiffin carrier clanging against the wheels of her chair once every half rotation. Half an hour later, one Gautam Pandya is called to the same NYPD aka police station, and is informed that Suman Maa Pandya and Danda Pandya (honorary family member) are both under arrest.
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A week into the family's stay in New York, Shiva and Raavi had signed a dissolution agreement and filed it in Court. Maami had fought tooth and nail that Raavi be given the first Store the Pandyas had opened up here. Shiva had given in, seeing as he was the one in charge of the store now that the rest of the family had settled down well, and he might as well let the Store support the love of his life instead. What he hadn't counted on was Raavi refusing to let him make a deed in her name. Maami had instead had the deeds written in her own name, willed it to Raavi, and then sold 40 percent shares to Kaka in exchange for him managing the store for her. Now, five months later, there were only a few weeks left for the Court Approved Final Dissolution of their marriage.
On one of those lazy afternoons, Kaka and Shiva were the only ones in their rented apartment as Raavi had gone out to her college for classes, Rishita for a job interview, Dhara and Gautam to the NYPD to meet Suman and Disha. Mami had forced Krish into shopping with her and Rishita had sent Dev off to the closest university for admission to a real MBA course this time.
Kaka, who had been missing his Kaki very, very much, had figured it was the right time as no one was home except Shiva, and he already knew all about his drinking habits. Dreaming of having a peaceful drinking session with Shiva he had brought in coke bottles in which he'd mixed the alcohol and left them to chill. Shiva was surprised when kaka offered him a drink but quickly accepted in his grief as the countdown to the Court date kept shortening.
Three rounds in, Raavi walked in and was shocked to a state of constant Freeze by the sight of Shiva singing in his besura voice,
“Mujhe chodkar bada pacchatooge! Bada pacchatoge!"
All the while kaka encouraged him. Raavi yelled in whispers, “Shiva yeh kya kar raha hai, wahaan Somanath mein desi daaru peene se mann nahin bhara kya tera?”
Immediately, Shiva and Kaka responded in sync, “Daaru desi ho ya videsi, hume bass mixing aur chakne ki zaroorat hai”, and Raavi face palmed for having had to ask that question. She pulled Shiva into his bedroom, fully intent on scolding him as she put him to bed after making sure he wouldn't puke everywhere. But, Shiva seemed to have other ideas, to be in a different mood. He cried and yelled and let her know exactly how he felt. Mr. Pandya, Shiva, was Raavi Shiva Pandya's husband, and he wished to stay the same forever. The very next day Shiva and Raavi announced their decision of not parting ways to the rest of the family, blushing away like true newly weds.
While the rest of the family agreed whole heartedly to their decision, Maami disagreed initially, later agreeing for the sake of her own daughter’s happiness. Wanting to keep Raavi by her own side, she then offered a deal involving 30% ownership to Shiva instead of the salaried work he'd been doing, asking that he and Raavi not return to Pandya Niwaas in exchange. Shiva disagreed at first, because well, it was Maami, but she managed to remind him of Suman Maa Pandya's wonderful (read- nonexistent) sense of humor.
That night Shiva dreamt of him and Raavi back in Pandya Niwaas. He and Raavi were working in the kitchen together at night as Raavi had a long and tiring day, and she required help (of the tu aage, main peeche, saath saath hum aata gunde variety), and just as his kisses (ahem, lips accidentally, repeatedly, touching his wife's pink, soft skin, he meant) moved from his wife's cheek to her jawline and that one spot behind her ear that made her melt, "Aye, Markundi Gai, meri chai kahaan hain!!! Aur mera beta, vo teesra petticoat chaap, bahar bhej usse pehle!!!"
Shiva had woken up in a fit, and fearing a life without romancing his beautiful, and hopefully willing, wife, he'd had no objections to settling in the USA.
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Two years later...
Ooh wah, ooh wah cool, cool kitty
Tell us about the boy from New York City
Ooh wah, ooh wah c'mon kitty
Tell us about the boy from New York City
Prema Kumari, true American tamizhachi, walked into the grocery store she'd taken to frequenting recently with her best friend forever, Meena Kumari. She'd only walked into the store for the sake of the ground coffee beans she'd smelt from outside at first. Beans worthy of the horrible amount of effort one puts into Filter Coffee, worth the capital first letters solely for its status as honorary Tamilian. But now, she watched Meena Kumari ditch her and head towards the billing counter instead and decided that prudence was in buying more of those heavenly coffee beans (because you never know when you're about to run out of them), and in searching for a packet of rice, strictly Ponni, preferably Thanjore (uhh, the creeps it gave her to say that) farmed.
He's kind of tall
He's really fine
Some day I hope to make him mine, all mine
Prema Kumari watched as the mysterious man known only as Kaka danced behind the billing counter. He was tossing a frozen chapathi instead of pizza base. And as he twirled around and stopped with a high toss that arched over the counter and fell on the floor, the smug expression on Mr Kaka's face disappeared as a toddler came running from between the shelves with a war cry of "Aata!!!!"... Behind him ran a woman who looked not a day older than twenty three (don't fall for looks Prema, you'd never guess the hours in the salon!!!), face covered with too bouncy to be true hair, with her own war cry. "Puchku!!!!!" Hain, which cruel woman names her kid Puchku?, Prema Kumari wondered as she decided good tamarind was an investment too. It was necessary for rasam, and rasam was necessary to be Tamil and be able to digest.
And he's neat
And oh so sweet
And just the way he looked at me
He swept me off my feet
She turned to find the things on her just made shopping list, filter coffee worth coffee beans, Thanjore farmed Ponni rice, good tamarind for rasam vesham. And then she bumped into hunk number one. Part owner of the grocery store, Mr. Pandya, Shiva. She'd seen him around the shop multiple times and he seemed to be sensible until anyone brought up the name of his wife. Then he looked like someone had whacked him upside the head hard enough that he'd gone loony. She had, on occasion wondered if the wife was a love potion (Amortentia, perhaps?) brewing witch, then scolded herself for letting foolishness cling to her.
Ooh whee, you ought to come and see
How he walks
And how he talks
Ooh wah, ooh wah cool, cool kitty
Tell us about the boy from New York City
She'd once enquired after the man's family and had come to know how lucky he was for being sane. He had three brothers. The oldest had been blackmailed by his brother in law into returning to India and their inherited mansion,
Pandya Niwas,
Somnath ki sabse sasti gali,
Somnath.
He lived their now with their common mother, his wife (sister of blackmailing brother in law) and their combined daughter Tara Pandya.
The second lived in the USA, doing an MBA from the Harvard Community College in the outskirts of the nation. His wife had a Corporate Job that she used to spend on herself and forgot to pay the rent with.
His younger brother, self proclaimed casanova, worked as a bartender because it meant a free pass to flirt with girls and attempted to pass his SAT on the side, his goal no longer going to college. Apparently, college was an oversold concept.
He's really down
And he's no clown
He has the finest penthouse I've ever seen in town
The poor kid lived with his in laws, one who spent his day watching sitcoms, and one who provided salon bills daily. His wife's cousin had fallen for his eldest sister in law's brother for having saved her from the lesbian admirer she'd acquired while still living in India. Mr Kaka was apparently a long time family friend, and so he'd advocated Kaki finding measures for the old man multiple times, only for all of them to fail. Only Prema Kumari knew the amount of effort that went into sabotaging those fine Kaki for Kaka campaigns. The things one does for friendship... Sigh...
And he's cute
In his mohair suit
And he keeps his pockets full of spending loot
Ooh whee, say you ought to come and see
His dueling scar
And brand new car
She made polite conversation with Mr. Pandya, Shiva, curbing the urge to grab a scissor and chop off those horrible, horrible neck curls. Shopping done, she was about to turn around to see if Meena Kumari had had her Kaka time when she heard one Mr. Puchku scream "Yucky!!! Mama yucky!!!!", accompanied by female giggles of the nearly twenty three variety. She turned to see Mr. Pandya, Shiva, at the sound of a chuckle being released. His mouth was moving, and the sound was close enough. The man knew how to smile?!!!
Every time he says he loves me
Chills run down my spine
Every time he wants to kiss me
He makes me feel so fine
Ooh wah, ooh wah cool, cool kitty
Tell us about the boy from New York City
She turned around to verify with Meena Kumari, because atleast she was partly sane, only to see her in the throes of passion with Mr. Kaka, a rose bouquet lying on the billing counter evidence of a possibly horrific scene she'd missed. Puchku had his face buried in his possible mother's thighs and as the woman finally turned towards them, Prema Kumari saw her face at last. Mr. Pandya, Shiva, quickly introduced lady twenty three year old, "Yahi Raavi hain, meri wife, aur voh mera beta Puchku". Prema Kumari swooned on the inside for a moment, understanding the Amortentia moments on Mr. Pandya, Shiva's face before she reminded herself that she had a Kumar for Kumari and two byproducts sitting at home.
Well he can dance (He can dance, take a chance with a little)
And make romance (Romance baby, cause he's a looker)
That's when I feel in love
With just one glance (He's sweet talking and cool)
He was shy
And so was I
And now I know I'll never, ever say goodbye
Ooh whee, say you ought to come and see
A couple minutes later, as Meena Kumari squealed her way through an exam worthy rapid recollection of Mr Kaka's proposal with a diamond with a long story ring, Prema Kumari could only feel dizzy. In her true Tamil greed for the perfect ground coffee beans she'd managed to become related to the Kandyas, oops! Pandyas! Forget all the world's kaki's for kaka's, where was her Kumar for Kumari when she needed him the most?!!!
He's the most
From coast to coast
Ooh wah, ooh wah cool, cool kitty
Tell us about the boy from New York City
Ooh wah, ooh wah c'mon kitty
Tell us about the boy from New York City
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Hope you folks had fun!!! Music to vibe to while reading this, and a poster of the naturally photogenic Kandya's struggles in life....
Kumkum Bhagya
Tu Dhadkan Main Dil
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
