I'm Dying - SuVan Story (Chap19(NEW) On page15) - Page 5

its so beautiful..i can't describe

Speechless yaar

It's just so beautiful

Thank you so very much for this

Originally posted by: Veenapain

Wow its beautiful. You are a wonderful writer. Waiting eagerly for the next update.

Thank you so much dear !

Originally posted by: Prizi

its so beautiful..i can't describe

Originally posted by: subhashree126

Speechless yaar

It's just so beautiful

Thank you so very much for this

Chapter 12

'It's your choice.' Gujral raised his hands with a slight grin.

'You want me to stay?' Shravan asked Suman as they both sat in the chairs of Dr. Gujral's cabin. Suman looked at him, perplexed. 'I, I don't know.' She didn't have any clue what it would be like to talk about all those things in front of Shravan. Like he already knew a hell lot of things, about the diary and the razor and the cutting the slack- all that part but it would be so different when she would talk- like really talk about her fears. It won't be easy.

'Then I will see you soon.' Shravan very well knew that being along with Suman doesn't really mean to stick with her. It's about saving her fall, and not about getting her wings. She needed to fight her own devils.

As Shravan left, Suman's gaze followed him till the door opened and closed in his absence.
'Clever man.' Gujral remarked obviously.
'He is.' Suman smiled a bit.
'Are you two, together?' Gujral pretended on looking in papers.
'Does it seem so?' Suman questioned him as he lifted his gaze.
'I don't see violins and roses Ms. Tiwari, but yes it feels so.' Gujral shook his head, thinking of cutting the conversation to a different topic. Seeing Suman nod and keep her quiet, he broke open to his first question.

'Look, Ms. Tiwari, I don't want to delve into your professional choices or achievements. Things are going to get personal, but that would fall under patient-doctor confidentiality. I won't tell Shravan anything which you say here- in line. I would just tell him the conclusion of such sessions because he has bought you along. He wants to be here, and you seem comfortable with him. Am I clear?' Gujral explained.

'I understand.' Suman nodded. It felt like she was digging a pit in her stomach, or maybe plowing a graveyard of emotions.

'Okay, so first questions- How do you feel when Shravan isn't with you? I mean, when nobody is with you? When you are alone.' Gujral enquired.

'Okay.' Suman pressed her lips together. Give away your secrets, sweetie. It was her brain but the voice resembled her mother.

No. It can't be happening.

Pushing away her thoughts, Suman concentrated on the conference. 'I don't think that the questions are mutual. Shravan has just come into my recent life, like a month ago. And I have been lonely, for a very, very long time.'
Gujral noded for Suman to continue further.

'You see, I just don't feel like talking to many people, because....' Suman could feel her voice go hoarse 'because I know they won't cut my slack. They won't give a shit. So I stay away because nobody really gets what I want. They all pretend to. So, I prefer to be alone. That's easy.' Suman sucked back her tears. It was much more difficult than she had ever imagined- to talk about what you think. In a diary, she wrote- her pen talked and not her.

'Easy? Not happy?' Gujral scribbled something.

'I don't know.' Suman gulped harder.

'When do you feel, happy then?' Gujral looked in her eye.

Tell him. Suman could again hear her mother. She closed her eyes and rubbed her temples. She can't hallucinate her mother right now, in her psychiatrist's cabin.

'Water? Can I get some?' Suman tried dodging away from the question. She tapped her knuckles and let herself keep her eyes closed.

Gujral scanned her. She was hiding, everything. But he had seen all of it. He sees it almost every day. The secluded, isolated, and I-do not-care behavior. He picked the landline 'Get me a glass of water.'

The best way to keep a particular conversation going was to change the topic.

'How about your sleeping hours?' Gujral swirled the pen.

'They have significantly reduced. For the past 6 months.' Suman stated. 'But the problem is, I doze off pretty readily. Like, I won't even know. How does that relate?' Suman questioned.

'Oh, that relates pretty much. Just like energy conservation, we have tiredness-conservation. You know, your body isn't going to wait for you to rest. It will get a chance, depress the functions and here you go. See, Ms. Tiwari.' Gujral's smile died a bit. 'This isn't insomnia. You know, I know, that we are having a bit of different psychic trouble. So, how often do you doze off?'

Suman felt her heart racing. It felt she was ripping her skin open. 'A lot. A lot many times, like between conversations, like this, it just happens. I don't know and I am done figuring all this out.....' a few tears made their way to her cheeks. She wiped them instantly hiding her gaze from Dr. Gujral.

Gujral pushed forward a pack of tissues. 'I get that.' he thought over jumping to the hallucination question but decided against it. ' Outbursts. Are you angry about something?'

'See Doctor Gujral, most of the time, I don't care. And I don't know how I have evolved to this point, but it genuinely doesn't matter. It seems like I am watching a story going around me, and they all take my name and I listen, unable to stop anything or make any difference to the giant scheme of things. I am nothing.' Suman rubbed her temples. A commotion at the door bought her water, for which she was thankful.

'Oh, it can't be that simple. Like nobody makes a difference in your routine, not even.....' Before Gujral could complete his question, Suman interrupted.

'That's not the truth. Shravan, we were, I mean- kinda are fighting a court case. I am withdrawing it though, but off-late with the trials and everything, we have had a spat. More than once. And, curse me, I have been really insolent towards him and still, he does so much for me, you see..' She pointed her hands towards the door. Shravan was just sitting outside, this mere thought bought a smile to her face.

'I see.' Gujral shook his head. 'So, you care about what Shravan says about you.' Gujral rolled a paperweight in his hand.

'I do. And that's because.....' Suman fidgeted with her fingers. This statement was making her go dizzy.

'Hey, no need to justify. It's clear when you get angry with him....' Gujral's tone was definitive.

'No. You are taking it wrong. I get angry with him, or "got" angry on him because of the trial.....' Suman felt defensive but nobody was really accusing her. The brain is a funny thing.

'Are you sure?' Gujral interrupted unhindered by her trailing sentence.

Suman gulped harder. This wasn't something she had expected. She wanted to run away, hide behind a false facade of justice and revenge, and whatnot. But it wasn't really happening.
'I don't know.' She stole her gaze. 'Can I leave, Doc.?' Suman asked, getting up on her seat before Gujral permitted.

'I haven't tied you. I'll give you a call for another session, Ms. Tiwari. Have a nice day!' Gujral stood up but Suman had already left.

--------

Suman clasped her hands tight on her bag. She had no idea why she was being such a rude and insolent git to a doctor who was trying to help her. Or was he just ripping her skin apart?

'Drive me. Drive me home.' Suman stood, near Shravan who was just skipping past magazine pages.

Shravan listening to her voice and overcoming an instant shock stood on his feet. She wasn't okay and he was not going to embarrass her by asking that question. 'Sit in the car. I am coming.' he walked past her as Suman shook her head in positive. She felt bare, she needed to hide- to be protected. Whatever she had promised Shravan, about helping herself - was maybe just making everything worse.

-------

'What happened, Ravi?' Shravan walked up to Gujral. He was a 6 feet tall man, mostly thriving on coffee.

'She isn't really fine. But I can't force her. I can only pester her to talk.' Gujral shrugged.

'How is that supposed to help any of us, by the way?' Shravan was angry. He thought that everything is going to be fine, but it wasn't.

'Hey, Shravan. Take it easy.' Gujral patted his shoulders, but it was Shravan's turn to shrug. 'You see, forcing her to spill out things, going behind her like crazy is the last thing we all need to do. She wanted to walk off during our first session and I can't tell her to stay. She is an adult.'

'She is an adult but she needs medical attention for god's sake.' Shravan clasped his forehead.

'It's isn't a tumor or some skin burn. It's psychic trouble, and I need to respect her headspace.' Gujral explained.

'Respect her headspace? What would you do if that headspace tells her to cut the slack off forever? What about that cuts? Who's gonna stop that? Who's gonna tell her that she is loved, that she need not make herself guilty, or something? What if...' Shravan let himself puncture his eyes into a shut. He couldn't let those words out. 'What if we get late?' his voice was painful.

'You.' Gujral pointed his finger at Shravan's heart. 'You asked me that how can you be helpful to Ms. Tiwari?'

Shravan nodded his head. He was feeling like the directionless soldier, maiden in the mid of the battle- without a plan.

'She holds you in regard. She knows that she can be angry with you. She admits that she expresses herself with you. She likes talking about herself in a picture you stand along. Do you get me? I may not know what she has for you, but it's something. Something special.' Gujral offered him a half-smile. 'I am gonna call for the next session. Till then, stay with her. Make her feel that it's okay to let the world fall around you, it's okay for things to go wrong. Don't lecture her, just make her realize that. I can't do it without your help, you get me, buddy!' Gujral said.

'I get you. Thanks.' Shravan walked away.

'Something special' he smiled to himself.

----------------

'Stargazing?' Shravan offered a proposal. He was concentrating on the steering and sensing Suman all quite popped up an offer.

'What?' Suman questioned, coming out of her lost self.

'I said, let's pluck the stars, through our eyes.' Shravan said, all dreamy.

'Oi! that was just so cheezy!' Suman lifted her nose and flashed a smile.

'Oh just stop it Sumo!' Shravan shook his head. 'I was cheezy times 100 when I was a teenager. Now, I have retired.' Shravan accepted.

Suman was still stuck at "Sumo". It felt nice to hear it from him, but there was an instant fear to be happy. What if it doesn't sustain?
'I accept you offer Sir Shravan. Drive me to the stars.' she said, uncharacteristic of her introverted self. She had barely accepted any friendly outings for the past 7 years.

'Okay, Madame.' Shravan shook his head in positive, with a smile, and drove faster.

To the stars.

aww the ending was beautiful....lol shravan berating gujral in his mind for sumo & wording as medical attention😆nice 👍

The end is really beautiful

Wanna read more

Originally posted by: Meena_J

aww the ending was beautiful....lol shravan berating gujral in his mind for sumo & wording as medical attention😆nice 👍

Chapter 13

The vast expanse of stars in the universe was making it a wonder, a place to stay forever. Suman looked up sitting in her car seat as Shravan unbuckled his seat belt.

Beautiful, isn't it? Suman? Her mother's voice called her out. Suman caught her breath in her lungs. She liked seeing her mother as if she was calling her to be with her. It's a cliff. Suman's mother signalled towards the elevation they had come to.

But Suman wanted to be fine. She wanted to live, even if she felt nothing, she wanted to make it the other way round. She wanted Shravan.

'Suman?' Shravan called her. She wondered if it was his first or fifth time.
'Sorry! What?' Suman fought back her trance.
'Nothing. Come around or do you plan to sit in the car forever!' Shravan passed a smile but suppressed the creases of worry. She was lost, again. But he will bring her back.
'Coming!' Suman unlocked the car door and stepped out.

'Beautiful, isn't it?' Shravan's head was ducked up. It was enormous of burning gases and cool twinkles

'It is.' but Suman couldn't help but see her mother, standing, right there at the cliff.

'Should, I get some coke? water?' Shravan again waved his hands in front of Suman. Suman sucked back the hurricane of things happening to her, her hallucinations and nodded at him, glassy-eyed.

'You..' Shravan scanned her eyes, the helplessness she hid behind them. 'You don't look fine. See if you are tired, we can....'
'No!' Suman interrupted. 'I love it here. I do.' Suman shook her head in positive.
Shravan patted her cheek, pressed his lips and just saw her for a second. She was there, in flesh and blood. It made his heart race. 'I'll bring the th..things.' he stuttered and moved towards the car.

Suman saw him go away for a second and turned around to still find her mother standing, right at the edge of the cliff. Don't you want to meet me Suman? she asked a bit strangely. Suman found herself nodding to the question.'I do, I want...' Suman mumbled to herself. Taking a step forward she thought of going along and away, but someone called her out. '

'Sumo!' Shravan was annoyed. 'Where is the coke?' Shravan called her out again.

Suman turned around almost instantly. She felt guilty, she wanted to punish herself. How was all this fair? She had dreamt of happiness, and now when it stood so close, she wanted to abandon it. After walking miles in the scorching heat, she was getting the shade of the stars, there coolness. It had been, so so long, that she could barely remember the time when she didn't have to open up to a few diary pages. 'Oh! God! Shravan, it's in the dashboard.' Suman ran towards the car, away from the cliff and towards her happiness maybe!

Shravan saw her smile, after a long time. She had surfed the dashboard and Eureka! She was right.

As Suman balanced the coke in her hand, she said that she has to save the fizz or it might go. 'Reason for which I am not a fan of carbonated drinks.' Suman stated and Shravan couldn't help but chuckle. Suman walked with caution but soon her foot slipped off a stone. Nature-ruins. Shravan was quick to catch her fall but the coke bottle was thrown far from hindsight, losing all the fizz.

Suman watched the bottle go away, still in Shravan's hold. He had caught with a desperate grip as if fearing that she might vanish. 'Good lord!' she clasped her forehead dramatically, trying to cease the tension between the two. It was no more about the coke bottle.

Shravan traced the creases of her skin, the imperfection which glowed in the night sky. It was a gift of their separation, but something about the feeling of her skin under his hands made him feel complete and happy. He stared and looked and watched- with bewilderment. She was there, close and fine and beautiful.

'Grown old.' Suman chuckled, and it felt like the words hit Shravan's lips directly. He smiled, shook his head in negative 'Never. You won't. You look, breathtakingly wonderful.' He gazed deep in her orbes all dreamy.

It was Suman's chance to plunder his face with scrutiny. Her hands rested at his shoulders until she decided to move one of her palms lightly on his face. As she touched him, around hid nose and his lips, she felt his grip tighten on her waist. It felt warm and comforting. For days, she had always felt a monster in her chest. Like it will rip her apart. But now, her breathes were stuck in her throat, she could barely feel her heart, rather she felt his heart thudding like crazy against her chest. He closed his eyes, and she could feel his breathing go rasp. She felt happy, that he was equally nervous.

Soon, Shravan ducked his head in a tilt and let his head move slowly. He opened his eyes and saw Suman looking at him in a daze. She stood, all taken- by him. Just when she prepared herself to feel his lips on her, something ringed in her brain.

Look at me. Where are you going, Suman?

Her mother. yes, she was there again. Yet again, just behind Shravan. Suman's looked at her, in a second. Her perfidies, returning in full valour. She pushed away Shravan.

She pushed away from her happiness. It was an alarm, and she was punctual, disciplined and abiding, Yes she was.

Suman's breathing went high, all alone. There was again a monster in her chest. Her skin felt like burning and she wanted to go and end it. End how it felt nothing. She wanted to cry scream and howl.

Shravan, who was still handling his wits, was gaining his composure found Suman shrivelled in a ball, sitting on the ground. She was shaking, badly. Tears welled up in her eyes, threatening to fall at any moment.

'Suman!' Shravan knelt beside her. He maintained a distance, safe for both of them. He wanted to punch himself in the gut. okay, he had loved her and he had waited for this. He wanted his permission and he thought he took it, but he behaved like a jerk. 'I am sorry.' he felt his throat go hoarse.

'No!' Suman shook her head in a negative. She touched his knuckles with the front of her palms. 'I am at fault. I...I can't do this Shravan. I'll ruin you.' she sobbed.

'Just shut up okay.' Shravan held her hand, snugly in his hands.

'I don't know. I can see people.' Suman admitted, crying more furiously.

'What?' Shravan asked confused. 'We are alone Suman, nobody can see you. We are safe.' Shravan stated, holding her hand more firmly. Now, he won't touch her until she doesn't. Until she doesn't say that she wants him to.

'No. We are not. My mother, I can see her.' Suman forced to shut her eyes. She wanted all of this to be over.

'But, Suman, she is...' Shravan realised what was happening to Suman. He let his mind do the thinking, that she could see her dead mother because she was hallucinating her.

'Yes! Yes I know she is dead. And she keeps calling me. She keeps calling me to a cliff, to cut, to hurt.' Suman cried harder. She looked at Shravan, trying to gauge his reaction. Was he going to leave her?

'If you think that telling me all this is going to make me leave you, then you are so wrong Sumo.' Shravan shook his head, and let his teeth press his lips. 'I am not leaving.' he said, reading her mind.

At this, Suman cracked a smile. She looked at this wonder, this handsome man she has been gifted with. She took their joined hands towards her lips and gave them a peck- a pious seal of togetherness. 'Don't leave.' a tear escaped her eyes.

'Never.' Shravan nodded. He galloped her shoulders with a scoop and let her relax against his chest.

'Count them. The stars.' Suman commanded feeling a bit better. 'Okay, your Royal Highness.' Shravan complied.



She could see her mother. 'My mother...' she trailed low 'she is standing there on the cliff.' she rubbed her temples, but she could also feel Shravan's warm embrace comforting her.

'
'Let her be.' Shravan looked in the same direction even if there was nothing. It was empty. 'She is your mother, anyways.' Shravan shrugged. She shouldn't be troubling you, he thought.

'How did she die?' Shravan asked.

Suman gulped harder. It was difficult to tell. 'Suicide.' she let the words stay bitter on her lips. It felt like her tongue was twisted around it. it burned her throat.

Shravan's eyes popped out. He struggled to get the words out, but they won't come. 'Why...any note.?' he enquired further.

'Note' Suman let out a sad chuckle. If you had seen her than it would not have been rocket science to guess. I was at my coaching that day. It was a warm April afternoon, 6 months after Papa, died. My mother had almost lost her senses. But that morning, she made me breakfast, kissed a bye. She was so, so happy.' Suman was crying and Shravan wondered if she knew she was.

'I thought if it was her day to come back to life. But then...' Shravan tightened his grip around her shoulders. 'When I came back, she was lying cold and wet in the bathtub. She was sitting in the bathtub, full of water, with still her clothes on and her wrists bleeding. She bled herself to death. She loved my father too much to not leave. I'll meet him. She had written. Nothing more, nothing less.'

Shravan felt his spine freeze.

I'll meet him.

He could barely breathe. Suman cried like a hymn. He drew circles at her back. He looked at the empty space of the cliff, where Suman's mother was standing according to her head. Why? Shravan mumbled.

A message popped up on his phone.

Gujral: Was somebody suicidal in Suman's house? Any blood relation to such a person?

Shravan couldn't help but give a ghostly chuckle. Life is a bloody circuit. What goes around, comes around. He gave a small kiss on Suman's head as he found her snoring a bit.


Count the stars.
Yes.