Member Topic: How many of you had an arranged marriage? - Page 26

Love first and then with lot of persuasion, got it arranged. "Two States" kinda story. I could totally relate to Amrita's and Revati's dialogues in that movie 😆

Originally posted by: AllThatCritique

Hey. First of all, you're very strong for doing whatever you can for your mother. To take care of a person who's abused you is never easy. It takes a special type of courage.

Secondly, if you want to get married you should. If you want/crave a relationship you should let yourself have it. Its very simple-You can't stop living your life for someone else. In the end you would end up hating yourself. And let me tell you something,when you find a good man he's gonna accept all the sh*t in your life, nomatter how messy just like you will of theirs. Its what partners do. Be as honest as you can with him. Someone who truly is life partner material will never judge you for your mother's actions. If they do, that's how you know. But you gotta put yourself out there and experience life.

This might sound bitter to you right now, but you are not obligated to take care of your abusive mother forever. Please know this. You can't dedicate your life taking care of someone who sucked the life outta you. As she grows older, you can check other options as to where to house her. Lots of senior citizen options these days.

Know this : You are not betraying her, you are giving yourself a chance to breathe. That is okay. You would need therapy for a while to get rid of the guilt but I promise you can do it. You deserve a chance at having abundance of love, a loving partner and a family of your own if you want so. One life, so take the chance to be happy.

You write so beautifully and convincingly! Thank you for this. Something did stir inside me when I read it.

I don't wish to get married right now as I am obviously not ready and I am just 24 so time is on my side. But, yes a normal relationship like other people have does seem something that I should experience too. My mother messed up all the relations in her life. The men that entered her life (she has always been an attractive female) after her divorce didn't stay either. It makes me shudder when I imagine myself in a relationship behaving in a similar manner and ruining lives due to the kind of person I have become after dealing with her for so long. Too cynical. Too negative. The relationship I have had with her makes me believe that I have become this very unliveable person (I know myself. I wasn't like this inherently. I am a pretty friendly and bubbly type of a person when out with friends) who will only make it difficult for others to live. Also, something tells me I can't take another major setback anymore. Getting into a relationship, becoming emotionally dependent, and then if it doesn't work out will mess things further. But, I sometimes do wish that she stops skipping her medicines and let's me have a flicker of hope. For myself and as well as for herself.

I agree with you that when you love someone you accept them completely with all their flaws and imperfections. But getting to that part is the scariest bit for me. I really hope that changes as I would never want to marry without first experiencing falling in love with that person.

EDITED: I reread the last two paras of your post thrice. Thank you so much for those words. I don't know if I will be able to apply them in my life, but I can always hope to give it a try. Thank you again ❤

Originally posted by: Sharpener

Regarding trusting a person, a person's actions need to match what they're saying ~ that's how you develop trust. Some people are very good at projecting a false image of themselves

Once you spend time with someone and realize that their words are matched by actions, you will develop trust. Once that trust is developed, you'll just know. You won't have those naggy feelings in your heart.

You also have to be open to trusting people. Don't let your past or unreasonable feelings of suspicion prevent you from meeting people. Be smart of course but don't be too closed off, or else you'll turn the nice guys away :)

Bold: Beautifully said!

Also make note of how they treat others, especially friends and family. It will help you understand their value for relationships.

Originally posted by: Flame.

I do understand what you're saying. I believe I am still very young to think about marriage, but I do crave other normal experiences that girls of my age go through. I sometimes feel like the loneliest person which makes it amply clear to me that it will get very difficult for me to live after my grandparents leave. They are the only ones who make me feel loved right now. But, I am also very acutely aware of the fact that I will never be able to get my mother away from my life. I could have done that before her diagnosis but not anymore. She doesn't have anyone except me as all my relatives hate her for what she did to me and only tolerate her now because I am unfortunately still connected to her.

Honestly speaking, after living like this for a few years now, I have kind of gotten used to it. I joke around with her, laugh, talk, plan stuff but dont feel happy. I do get to go out with my friends and meet new people but i dont let anyone in. My life is too messy and I fear being judged for the actions of my mother and the kind of person I have turned into now. It just feels unfair to waste a man's time over something that isn't going to go anywhere.

I don't have a solution to your issue. Just sending you a virtual hug🤗 n a prayer to be happy. May you find your peace 💜

Originally posted by: Harley_Quinn

Oh my my.😆You guys actually believed my made-up story.🤣You all really thought that I'm middle aged and alone and living with pets.🤣That bit should've given it away that I'm bluffing.😂 Sorry guys, if I made you cry with my tear-jerking story.😂 Actually I was just jealous that everyone here has their love story to tell but not me.😆But I don't want to have this image of mine in your mind :

🤣

Well that's reassuring. I had half a mind to post that the guy sounded like a mama's boy if he couldn't understand you weren't ready and there's no need to pity yourself just for following your gut instincts. Phew crisis averted😆

Originally posted by: Harley_Quinn

Yeah, I got nervous at the last moment and ran away.

I've a feeling I'm gonna do something similar 🙈. I hope I don't though 😂

Originally posted by: VintageWine

Why do you feel you gotta be around her just cause she's sick? Like guilty she kinda brought up or something?? Given that almost everyone hates her for the vile person she has been, I kinda shudder to think that you want to still stick around and be their for her.

I honestly don't know. A lot of people have questioned me over this and I never have an answer. It feels like after living with her for all these years wherein she has controlled every aspect of my life, despite the bitterness and toxicity, I have kind of become emotionally dependent on her. It's really pathetic when I think of it because she isn't even in control of my life anymore. I even have the luxury of moving out of the city I live in currently to another country but I just can't do it. I guess when she went officially crazy just before the diagnosis, a part of me broke permanently seeing her like that and seeing my grandparents go through something so terrible at this age (they have already lost a son and they thought they lost me as well when they found out what she did to me). If I go away, they will have to deal with her and they won't be able to and I believe they shouldn't have to after seeing everything that they have in their life.

As for myself, I was being pressured a couple of years ago. I moved out under the guise of easier commute to work (lol). It was a good move, I definitely feel more assertive and stronger now as a person than I did years ago. I'm open to the process now that I've grown personally and am much more confident in putting the foot down with things that I don't like

Is the clock "ticking"? Sure, but marriage, family, kids...these are all responsibilities. And it's better to go through with it once you're actually ready (personally and financially😆).

Originally posted by: Thatgirl16

I don't have a solution to your issue. Just sending you a virtual hug🤗 n a prayer to be happy. May you find your peace 💜

Thank you so much! The hug feels very warm and I needed it ❤

I hope things get better. Sending you a hug as well 🤗

Originally posted by: Flame.

You write so beautifully and convincingly! Thank you for this. Something did stir inside me when I read it.

I don't wish to get married right now as I am obviously not ready and I am just 24 so time is on my side. But, yes a normal relationship like other people have does seem something that I should experience too. My mother messed up all the relations in her life. The men that entered her life (she has always been an attractive female) after her divorce didn't stay either. It makes me shudder when I imagine myself in a relationship behaving in a similar manner and ruining lives due to the kind of person I have become after dealing with her for so long. Too cynical. Too negative. The relationship I have had with her makes me believe that I have become this very unliveable person (I know myself. I wasn't like this inherently. I am a pretty friendly and bubbly type of a person when out with friends) who will only make it difficult for others to live. Also, something tells me I can't take another major setback anymore. Getting into a relationship, becoming emotionally dependent, and then if it doesn't work out will mess things further. But, I sometimes do wish that she stops skipping her medicines and let's me have a flicker of hope. For myself and as well as for herself.

I agree with you that when you love someone you accept them completely with all their flaws and imperfections. But getting to that part is the scariest bit for me. I really hope that changes as I would never want to marry without first experiencing falling in love with that person.

You’ve clearly undergone a lot and a lot of members have written really wonderful advice to you. I would say give yourself some time and space. And continue to be kind to yourself. Is there anyone you can talk to (in your real life) that can help you with this issue? You’re doing a great thing taking care of your mom but its unrealistic to take care of her for the rest of your life. At some point, there must be a way to prioritize yourself.