Member Topic: How many of you had an arranged marriage? - Page 23

Originally posted by: TeluguChokri

Woh Harley jaanti ho uske baare mein waise bhi🤣

Everything I say ain't a joke dear.

Originally posted by: Harley_Quinn

Yeah, it's real. We were in a relationship for 9 years and I have loved him more than anyone in this world. We met in high school. I was a new student and he was the popular guy in the class because he was extremely good looking and charismatic.

At first we just interacted with each other like any normal classmates do. But then we went in a school trip, where we bonded with each other and became friends. We shared a good equation with each other as friends. We had a big group of friends who used to all types of fun. We bunked classes, went to parties and movies. He was the one who first made me try smoking and drinking.

After few months of being friends, he asked me out on a date. I wasn't surprised because he was giving me clear signals from past few weeks. We continuously went on dates and eventually ended up being being boyfriend and girlfriend. It was a great time for me, life became a wild ride. After passing high school, he had no plans for college but he only decided to join so that he could stay close to me. Even in college we had lots of fun. We were the popular couple. But after finishing college I realized that life is not all fun and games and we need to get serious.

He started to ask me for commitment but I wasn't ready for it. He started questioning my love for him because how can even after 7 years of being in a relationship, I'm not sure about him. He was right. I was being selfish because I didn't want to get married so early. I was just 25. But his parents wanted him to get married and he wasn't able to stall it anymore. He wanted to tell his parents about me but it wasn't easy. Because we were of different religion. He was a Hindu and I was from a Christian family.

He wanted to make sure that I'm serious about this relationship so that he could talk about us to his parents. I reluctantly agreed and he talked about us to them. As expected, they were completely against our love. My parents were okay so I didn't have to worry. But for him it was alot of work to convince his mom and dad.

After all the troubles, they finally agreed. But I was still in a deep confusion about my feelings. I was not sure that whether should I get married or not. I thought I was not ready to take the responsibilities of a wife. My lifestyle was still of a teenager. But I loved him, and if he could fight with his family for me then why can't I change my lifestyle for him? Only this thought gave me motivation till the wedding day, but I wasn't able to hold it anymore. I panicked and I ran away without thinking of the consequences.

When I returned back, everything was finished. The humiliation he and his family got in front of their relatives because of me running away from the wedding, I knew that he was never going to forgive me for that. I tried my best to apologise to him for my mistake, told him that I still love him, and he told me that he knows I love him, but more than me I love myself. That I always give priority to my feelings and comfort over everyone else.

I lost him, and after that I dated and had relationships with many guys but never loved anyone. He was the first and last love of my life. Typing all this has brought all the old painful memories back and regret in my mind. The regret of making that awful decision on my wedding day.

Now I'm an old middle aged woman living alone except few pets to give me company. My whole life could've been something else if I wasn't so insecure.

Thats sad why is marriage such an important thing in life??

What a wonderful thread! Thanks everyone for sharing such good advices and others for sharing their life stories. Here's wishing happiness, peace and love to everyone here ❤️

To BinKuchKahe and others who are looking for their special one, might I suggest looking online? I am not saying you should pour your heart out to anyone online or divulge secret and sensitive information to people you barely know. But taking things slow and steady and being more open to chats from acquaintances might be a good starting point.

I was on the same boat a couple of years back. I had never had a relationship in my life and I thought I would never find love. I had some tough years during my undergrad where I was cut off from family, barely had any friends and was struggling with depression and homesickness. After completing my studies I worked for 1 year and it was during that time I realized life isn't a romantic HW movie and love won't just happen to me one fine day on my way to work at a subway station 😆 (I am not saying something lyk this cannot happen... But it's ultra rare)... So that's when I started actively looking for a romantic partner. I became more responsive to messages from random guys on my friend list or ppl I had mutual frnds with. That's how I met my husband! He had sent me a number of "Hello"s in the span of about 5 months before I finally responded and started a conversation. On a surface level he didn't seem like a good match for me as far as marriage was concerned. I am super studious while he is a below average student, I am a total city girl whereas he has been born and raised in the country side, I also come from a more well-off family than him. In short, he isnt someone my parents would have brought to me as a prospective groom if I were to take the arranged marriage route. However, after properly going through his profile he came across as such a down to earth humble guy, and I had this gut instinct that he and I might be a good romantic match.

Soon after a couple of dates with him we fell into a comfortable friendship and over a couple of years have grown to love each-other's flaws and little quirks. We have been married for a year now. I am not saying our marriage is drama free, we do occassionally have fights and misunderstandings. But at its core the relationship has been built on trust, honesty and compassion.

Many in this thread have discussed not being comfortable with the physical aspect of getting into a romantic relationship. It's not been easy for me either. Although I m sure I am not asexual, let's just say so far i have had some struggles enjoying it as much as social media would want us to enjoy it. However, I have a husband who completely understands me and thus intimate moments with him are always loving, sweet and full of respect.

Long story short, what I am saying is that although the internet might not be the ideal way to get acquainted with potential love interests, I don't see anything wrong with exploring this option as long as you do it safely! Also once you get to know the person a little bit, try to go on an actual date if you live in the same country. Keep things light and fun in the beginning and try assessing compatibility before getting too emotionally involved. Also, it is helpful to let go off of ideas of what a perfect match for you should be. This opens up dating options in a big way.

As much as we would all love to be in a fairy tale romance where we lock eyes with a stranger and are instantly in love with each other, real life doesn't work that way. So it's ok to chase romance, to look out for love and connections. I am sure one day every one looking for love would find that person who adores and respects you for who you are, with whom things are just easy. 👍🏼

@HarleyQueen: your story sounds like the Raj Kumar Rao and Kriti Kharbanda movie. Can’t remember the name but you did what was right for you at the time. Anyway, Is the guy still single though or did he rebound like every other male? 😆If he is, why not reach out? I mean....he could still be mad of course but doesn’t mean feelings died. Better than living a life of guilt regretting past decisions.

Originally posted by: Harley_Quinn

Everything I say ain't a joke dear.

Originally posted by: Harley_Quinn

Yeah, it's real. We were in a relationship for 9 years and I have loved him more than anyone in this world. We met in high school. I was a new student and he was the popular guy in the class because he was extremely good looking and charismatic.

At first we just interacted with each other like any normal classmates do. But then we went in a school trip, where we bonded with each other and became friends. We shared a good equation with each other as friends. We had a big group of friends who used to all types of fun. We bunked classes, went to parties and movies. He was the one who first made me try smoking and drinking.

After few months of being friends, he asked me out on a date. I wasn't surprised because he was giving me clear signals from past few weeks. We continuously went on dates and eventually ended up being being boyfriend and girlfriend. It was a great time for me, life became a wild ride. After passing high school, he had no plans for college but he only decided to join so that he could stay close to me. Even in college we had lots of fun. We were the popular couple. But after finishing college I realized that life is not all fun and games and we need to get serious.

He started to ask me for commitment but I wasn't ready for it. He started questioning my love for him because how can even after 7 years of being in a relationship, I'm not sure about him. He was right. I was being selfish because I didn't want to get married so early. I was just 25. But his parents wanted him to get married and he wasn't able to stall it anymore. He wanted to tell his parents about me but it wasn't easy. Because we were of different religion. He was a Hindu and I was from a Christian family.

He wanted to make sure that I'm serious about this relationship so that he could talk about us to his parents. I reluctantly agreed and he talked about us to them. As expected, they were completely against our love. My parents were okay so I didn't have to worry. But for him it was alot of work to convince his mom and dad.

After all the troubles, they finally agreed. But I was still in a deep confusion about my feelings. I was not sure that whether should I get married or not. I thought I was not ready to take the responsibilities of a wife. My lifestyle was still of a teenager. But I loved him, and if he could fight with his family for me then why can't I change my lifestyle for him? Only this thought gave me motivation till the wedding day, but I wasn't able to hold it anymore. I panicked and I ran away without thinking of the consequences.

When I returned back, everything was finished. The humiliation he and his family got in front of their relatives because of me running away from the wedding, I knew that he was never going to forgive me for that. I tried my best to apologise to him for my mistake, told him that I still love him, and he told me that he knows I love him, but more than me I love myself. That I always give priority to my feelings and comfort over everyone else.

I lost him, and after that I dated and had relationships with many guys but never loved anyone. He was the first and last love of my life. Typing all this has brought all the old painful memories back and regret in my mind. The regret of making that awful decision on my wedding day.

Now I'm an old middle aged woman living alone except few pets to give me company. My whole life could've been something else if I wasn't so insecure.

Originally posted by: BinKuchKahe.

THANK YOU for this.

I am not really looking for anyone. I don't think I've ever looked. Never had a crush even. I've always worked and gone home. Never really hung out with people at least in the past few years even though I'm very social and outgoing. I feel like I distance myself even before a guy approaches. I don't want to do it but I just end up doing it?

Also, I don't even know how to look? (As silly as it may sounds)

RE: my parents. As my friends moved on in life, I had no one but family to really turn to. And I'll be honest, I live for them. And they also live for me. Without me, my family would tear apart because I am the constant mediator between my parents, my brother & my parents etc.

They say they would love for me to get married, but the very next moment they're like they won't be able to live without me...

Currently, the first step I'm taking is to quit my job because my boss has been demeaning me and saying abusive words to me for the past 1.5 years and I have finally gathered the courage to quit for my sanity and for myself.

It sounds messy.. it is, but I'm pretty content and happy with my life.

I don't know what more to say..😆

@Bold - I feel like someone just described me here. That's me!

I don't know how I do it but I have this tendency of pushing away any guy that seems even a bit interested in me. I am a straight girl who wishes to experience everything that my other friends do but I think I don't have the courage to step in to relationship. Due to some bad experiences in life, I just tend to believe that the guy will judge me and not understand anything about my life, so I feel why even start or encourage something that i may anyway have to let go later on. My fear doesn't let me even experience normal things like going on a simple date with someone who seems genuinely interested in me. I even don't know how to stay in touch when someone tells me to after a meet or two.

And frankly I have started believing truly that I am not meant for marriage. I grew up with the most manipulative mother (parents divorced when I was 6) who isolated me from my entire world, cut off my social connections and ruined every little thing systematically that I liked, loved, desired. When I finally decided to reach out for help and let her go, she was suddenly diagnosed with schizophrenia and a personality disorder for which she had to be at a mental asylum for over 3 months. Once she was back from there (she is completely normal now due to regular medicines), the responsibility of making sure she takes her medicines on time which she tends to skip for some reason fell upon me as my grandparents are too old (both 80 plus). If I ever get married then I have to leave her and that cant happen as I fear she may relapse.

Recently my grandfather spoke to me about looking for an alliance and that scared the hell out of me. Firstly, I can never even entertain the thought of marriage if I don't know the man for at least two years personally as i have seen only broken or unhappy marriages around me. And secondly even if my meet the nicest man on the planet who will let her be in the same house that I may move to, I can't let it happen as i know her too well and she is super manipulative and gets restless when she sees me in a happy place. Therefore, I have kind of made peace with the fact that I may never marry and I am okay with it. Even entering a simple relationship seems scary. Marriage is out of the question lol.

Originally posted by: BinKuchKahe.

Your words made me cry.

I'll admit I do feel scared wondering what I'll do if they pass away because my life revolves around them. Previously revolved around caring for my grandparents as well and they passed away this year and i was very sad because I used to wake each day with my grandmother's screams to take her to the toilet and bathe her and end with putting her to sleep. And without them around, I realised that my parents may also just pass away any time and I wouldn't know what to do without them.

Thank you for telling me this. I knew it but needed to hear it.

I want to try to create a life for myself beyond them but I don't know how to start?

For a start, I am finally going to speak to my boss tomorrow and tender my resignation. He's been demeaning and abusing (in a way) me for 1.5 years and I have finally plucked the courage to walk away from it for my sanity and for my ownself.

But in terms of family, I still feel a little stuck. I don't know what really I need to even do (as silly as it sounds)..

Any suggestions?

I am glad I could help :) And I am really glad youre cutting something abusive. You're on the right path to have better mental health!

In terms of suggestions, what you need to ask yourself is : What is my goal and what are the kind of changes I'm ready for.

At this time, during a whole pandemic, things could get difficult cause moving is not an option right now, Im guessing. But you can still do the following things :

1. Set boundaries- for any relationship to be healthy, this is of utmost importance. Sit them down and tell them 'this is how I want to be treated' and 'when you say this, I don't feel nice'. Talk about your triggers. I found the whole 'we will miss you if/when you get married' bordering on the manipulative in its essence. To cushion the blow you can go like 'I need to have my own life and I will make an effort to find someone actively from now on. I know you are protective and I appreciate that but I need to have life experiences that are completely mine. I need you to be a pillar of strength for me and trust me to make my own choices because I need to be my own person from now on'. If the thought of a family sit down is too much, then tell them this individually.

2. Saying No: Its not gonna be easy to break away from emotional codependency. You have to practice it constantly. More often than not, I see people going back to their own ways because it's more familiar and comfortable which undoes all the hardwork. You need to gather the courage to stand your ground nomatter what. A big part of this is to realize the power of saying 'No'. If you don't want to hear something, do something, anything that you think is halting your personal growth, say 'No'. This could be something they want you to do, something they want to discuss that makes you uncomfortable. Please practice this more. I feel women need to understand the power of saying 'No' more.

3. Control what you can and leave the rest to life and other people : Whenever one wants change, they tend to overthink a lot to the point that it crushes their want of change. Take the first step and keep pushing it. Don't be available 24/7 for anyone. Take your me-time seriously. Nurture your goals, your hobbies, whatever makes you happy. If your parents understand your needs then good. If not, don't be disheartened. You can't control what they think or feel. Older parents are very rigid in their ways especially desi ones. You need to keep doing you. Regardless. Their attitude towards your new self will say a lot about how much they value your happiness.

4. Move out or live separately : This has to be a goal for a long term solution if nothing else works. This doesn't mean you move towns away. Maybe just few houses away. To live on your own is the true sign of being an adult. And the freedom and high you'd get from this is unlike anything especially if you're trying to get out of a codependent relationship. The boundaries automatically get set with this.

5. Build a support system around you : Nurture friendships. Talk to your brother about the way you feel too. Siblings could be your best friends during a journey like this. Build a support system around you that doesn't include your parents.

Lastly, trust yourself. You are all that you truly have in your life. It won't be easy, you would question yourself about everything- the guilt will kick in, the insecurity too. But you have to keep going. The goal is not a life partner, a well paying job, being an obedient daughter - it's your happiness. Working towards it everyday is the goal. Hope this helps :) Am rooting for you. You can do it. Don't be hard on yourself. One step at a time :)

Originally posted by: Sharpener

That's terrible! How and when?

Suicide. Four years back.

Originally posted by: heartbleed

Suicide. Four years back.

Stay strong dear...invest in yourself...and look forward