PreRish Fictions | Pg19 (To Win and To Lose) - Page 11

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Mannmohanaa thumbnail
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Posted: 4 years ago

Originally posted by: MysticRiver

With Prerna's life at stake, it compelled Rishabh to face the truth and understand the importance she holds over him and his life..It was like until she was deemed ok, even he was not ok..Once she was fit, he breathed easy....The way you have captured and written about Rishabh Bajaj's raw emotions it felt natural...Be it his scare, or his sense of being lost without Prerna, or his relief when she was ok, everything was simply wow..Wonderful..👍🏼

Thank you soooo much!

You're really a big support. The way you analyse, makes me aware of my strong points  :)

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Posted: 4 years ago

Originally posted by: KumbhkarnKiNani

4) The Safe and the Sound

So, we have a completely Bajaj-centric OS here. Mahi, trust me, this isn't as bad as you're thinking it to be. The premise is strong, it's layered and complex since it offers a peek into Bajaj's innermost circle of thoughts, his vulnerability, his psychic struggle. The area where this OS falters is in it's clarity, or to put it better, a certain lack of clarity in it's expression. There are a lot of things happening, it just needed to be written with more precision and detailing. For instance, the bit where you described Prerna's unfortunate fall into the water. Could you have presented it better? Certainly yes. The "dolphin appearing out of nowhere" was a loosely scripted plot-element. A bit more detailing about the setting, their surrounding, and it would have felt much more believable and realistic.

The strength of this OS lies in it's exploration of Bajaj's vulnerability. You've devoted a major chunk of the text towards achieving that objective, and it's come out really well.

Overall, it's a pretty good update. You tried a different style of narration, and it's fair to say that you've presented it quite well.

Thanks a lot Lavy. My favorite beloved critique!🤗

I'll take a note of this for the next time :)

Thanks a ton again! :D

Glad you liked the emotion part though.

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Posted: 4 years ago

Originally posted by: KumbhkarnKiNani

3) Deal With It

How delightful was this?! 

Mr. Bajaj is a tough nut. It's a well-established trait of his, but unlike some writers who'd go into overdrive to bring up that side of his, you present it in the most subtle and crisp way. 

So, Prerna's been scampering around in her bid to strike a balance between work and tending to Bua Maa. That's an interesting premise. As difficult as it was, she was resolute in her attempts and did complete the report after a hard grind. The last bit was crisp, neat and dare I say, did we just see an element of mischievousness in Mr. Bajaj?! Bua Ji ko dharmik yatra pe bhej diya 😆

He really does care for her. There is a degree of maturity in Prerna and Bajaj's dynamics, their evolution as a couple, and it's lovely to read.

This is my personal favourite too!

I wanted to show this and this warms my heart 

Mannmohanaa thumbnail
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Posted: 4 years ago

Originally posted by: Eternized_Blues

Surprise updates are the best Mahi🤗

I love Bajaj's POV. You nailed him in here. The pain, hurt and the fear to love again and then finally conquering that fear. Beautifully written🤗👏


Chalo now update fast.

Thank you soooo much Amnu! 😳

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Posted: 4 years ago

Originally posted by: Advaymerijaan

It was soo good.. 👏❤️

Thank you!😃

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Posted: 4 years ago

Originally posted by: .amigos.

Reserving! Will be back after reading em all.😲

Edited:

Okay WOAAAH! These are legit such drops of mishti, so sweet and warm and so so addictive, please write more.

The first one was so beautifully penned. The aggravation, the complication of all those feelings and then the guilt on Prerna's side. You showed the warmth and care so well. And how they're both aware of each other but there's also this sense of awkwardness, this layer between them. And the permissible by clause line had me! SO GOOD.😆 Total favorite. Typical Bajaj. ME LOVES.

But LET ME BE HONEST, the second one is my favorite. I just love it. I can picture it so well. Him leaving and her not wanting him to go. That radio bit was so good, so much 90s wala nostalgia too. And I love this cocunut wala RB. Oopar se sakht, andar se naram. And then he came back and she felt she was safe. Shit that bit totally had me. Overall, I absolutely love love this one. It's so warm it melts my heart.

The bua maa one is so cute. Like these choti choti baatein really make or break relationships. And the fact that he was so perceptive about this whole thing and eased his wife's tensions. ALSO THAT LAST BIT SO SO CUTE! Ah I can totally imagine it in my head.

You have to keep writing. These give me such a warm warm feeling andar. JALDI LIKHO AUR.😭

This obviously means a lot to me.

I've THE AMIGOS review my work. Such a big honour and pleasure! And having to read that you also liked it :)

Thank youuuuuu!!!!!

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Posted: 4 years ago

Next next


Edited by Mishti_Dahi - 4 years ago
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Posted: 4 years ago

The Declaration 


Mr. Bajaj sat in his office, staring at the heavy glass in his hand. The squish squash of the liquor in hand aggravated his memories. He wasn't sure if it was the sound or the alcohol that was wrecking a havoc in his consciousness. 

"I want a promise", she asserted. "You'll have to quit drinking", she said firmly, with a certain sense of righteousness and responsibility. 

He, at first, was utterly surprised. With pleasure or with shock, was unclear at the moment.

"I see you're taking your job, far too seriously, Mrs. Bajaj", he said with a distinct tease.

"You HAVE to give up on alcohol", she said again, with renewed vigour. 

He had felt a tuck at his heart. And only he knew that he'd thought of this everytime he felt like drinking. It was an unsaid promise that he never officially gave, but always respected. Cause promising someone was against the norm of being The Bajaj. But here he was, obeying it truthfully.

Okay once, he'd taken a sip or two but only when she'd gone to her mother's home for a week. Never ever, apart from that one time.

He sunk into his chair and gulped the shot all at once. It burned his throat and the sensation soon was into his eyes, that were spitting fire, recalling the conversation he'd overheard.

"Anurag, I love you. I always will, till I'm alive and breathing", she had said, feeling so vulnerable and cornered, lovingly caressing his photograph and sitting distraught, on the floor.

He was angry, would be an understatement. He was on fire, from within. How did he assume the liberty to understand that she was happy with him? Himself. The same old cruel self who'd mercilessly separated her from her lover? Whatever that had transpired between them along the last few weeks, had not only made him admire her with his heart, but also ridden him of grief that she was indeed happy here, with him. Maybe he was right in separating him from the unhealthy Basus. The people who would always insult her and find ways of bringing her down.

But this new revelation had the sky falling upon his head. She was unhappy. She was sad and aloof in his mansion. Lonely and longing for love.

He cursed and hated himself.

The glass came crashing down his skin. He felt the surge of searing pain but it was nothing, as compared to his aching heart. A smile escaped his lips. He shot a glance at the heavy piece ticking time. It was 1 am.

He finally got up heavily and set off for Bajaj Mansion. He didn't want to face Prerna at all.

He entered the living, tired. Blood was smeared all over his palm but astonishingly he couldn't feel the pain. His senses were rendered numb. The mere mention of Prerna became a mirror to his own defeat. His own devices were hurting him now and yet, he took himself in such high regard that he found it impossible to accept them. The Bajaj was faltering and he could do nothing to save himself from the downfall.

He staggered. His shaky steps didn't go unnoticed for long.

She was looking him in the eye, sooner than he'd thought.

"Go away", he gestured. "Leave this place", he said quite in-audibly. 

"You're drunk", she said, cross. 

He laughed and perhaps nodded.

"So?", he uttered senselessly.

She stepped in close. "I told you I hate this very smell of alcohol", he could hear her whisper lightly.

He could feel his palm being tended to and that's when the pain started being felt. Her soft hand met his hard one and he was twitching in pain. She applied some weird and pain inducing ointment on his cuts.

He silently wish she would leave his house and go away soon, to the man she loved.

...

The next day, he walked out of his room. The events of last night were still fresh. He saw the living unusually silent. He felt heavy. She'd left.

But in a moment, she appeared from inside the kitchen, carrying breakfast.

"I'd asked you to leave", he said.

"I'm sorry, if you've forgotten the deal, let me remind you..."

"I said LEAVE and I mean it", he said, angrily.

"Let me remind you", she continued unaffected. "No wait. You know what? Toh kya hua if I couldn't get the love of my life? I got some crazy amount of respect here. I understood what it was to be a homemaker. A woman. A mother. A wife. Yes I love him. But I will honour this deal too. Not because I'm compelled. But because I've agreed to it.", she said.

"So please stop blaming yourself, cause you were constantly murmuring being guilty yesterday, and be like the weak people I've left behind in my life, long ago". 

He looked on, in total rapt attention. He didnt see this coming.

"I hereby declare myself as Mrs. Bajaj, till I'm alive and breathing", she said. There couldn't be a prouder moment.

He smiled without hesitation.

"But no breakfast for you. Cause you were drunk last night", she said and sat on the table, eating, making him roll his eyes in wonder and disbelief.

Yes, she'd indeed taken her job far too seriously.

...

Writing from Bajaj's POV is so addictive lol.

Edited by Mishti_Dahi - 4 years ago
Eternized_Blues thumbnail
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Posted: 4 years ago

Res❤️

Edited.

MAHI🤗

RB's POV is like a drug.

How the mighty have fallen. 😆It was nice to see RB come down a peg or two. it's good for his soul to be wrong once in a while. She is important to have a him on a fundamental. More than a deal yet a step away from love. And the unsaid promise he keeps

I like that there is no pretense here of love. They are partners. I like your Prerna. She chose respect over toxic love. 

I love how she is bossing the boss🤣

This was so smooth. You made a tired me very happy.

Love ya loads.♥️

Edited by Eternized_Blues - 4 years ago
WaqtZaya thumbnail
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Posted: 4 years ago

MAAAHI my love 🤗 your OS has a seperate fanbase 🤗 oh I loved this 🤗her making him promise not to drink n then why he relapsed and how she "declared" that she was and will always remain Mrs Bajaj. But the last line ♥️ ehehe too good it was.

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Give me more Maahi 

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