Posted:
Part 13: The Roll Of A Dice
Insecurity was much like sinking sand, as soon as it captured any part of you in it's vicious hold all you could do was surrender yourself to it, continuously falling deeper and deeper until all you could see were your faults and all you could hear were your shortcomings. Zoya had been taken by this emotion today as she threw yet another dress to the bed and huffed. In all honesty it felt stupid, she had lost a lot of weight before going back to the clinic but having to remain on a carefully placed diet the weight had found a way to return. With each glance into the mirror she saw the stretchmarks on her thighs and the fat on her stomach, her nails dug into it, clenching it so tightly she began to feel sick.
"Zoya, we're late" his brisk tone did nothing to soothe her nerves "You aren't even dressed" sitting on the edge of the bed he pushed aside an item of clothing and tapped his knee "Zoya we're-"
"I don't want to go" gnawing at her lip she covered her body with a blanket "I feel fat today and all the dresses make me feel worse" tearing away her gaze she sat on the floor "You shouldn't have to see this, sorry" heaving loudly she crossed her legs beneath her then looked over at him, one last time, she had to ask because she had to know "Do you think i'm fat"?
Raising his head he narrowed his eyes "I think you are Zoya, in my estimations you are not fat, you are healthy, but in your estimations you are fat, this leads me to rely on practicality and in accordance to your height and gender you are not fat" lifting up his body he tapped his foot anxiously "Can we leave now"?
Standing up she shook her head "I don't want practicalities I want you to take this feeling away but you can't do that, I know it's stupid" she cleared her throat "Just go without me, i'll only embarass you"
Pulling a dice from his pocket he placed it on the floor then leant on bended knee "You always say when I can't make a decision to roll a dice, if it's an even number we go and if it's odd i'll say no"
"You want to decide on our attendance at a prestigious work event by the roll of a dice"? Zoya pulled her still damp hair from the band "Isn't it important for you to go"?
"Not if you aren't going" rolling the dice he watched it land on an even number "The green dress accentuates your curves but the purple dress brings out your eyes" standing up he pocketed it "I'll wait outside"
Unable to stop herself she grabbed his hand and held it to her cheek "Thank you for being so understanding" she had so much more that she wanted to say but she didn't seem to be able to put the words together "Are you excited"?
Stepping back he shook his head "I don't want to go, I wanted an odd number" he began to rock on his heels "But you said only one roll"
"We don't have to go, not if you don't want to, I don't really feel upto it anyway" leaning back to grab one of his shirts she dropped the blanket and pulled it around her body "We could play a board game or something or just talk" allowing her eyes to wander over his broad shoulders and down to his rigid arms that remained straight she couldn't help but remember what it felt like to be wrapped within them "Or maybe we could just" placing a hand on his she looked back up "Maybe I could sit with you while you play the piano for me"?
Aditya allowed her to tug him to the piano and sit him down "You really want to hear me play"? Looking down at how her hand fitted so cosily in his he shuddered "I thought you'd never come home, I thought you wanted to leave, I thought"
"Shh" she placed a finger on her lips "I wanted nothing more than to come home but I was scared that maybe I wouldn't be your Zoya anymore" dropping her head she circled his hand with her thumb "And who am I if not yours, everyday the fear became stronger and before I knew it, I forgot what this even felt like, how good it felt to just be beside you" leaning her head on his shoulder she listened to the soft melody of the keys, so fluent and calming she welcomed the feeling of serenity.
"Will you tell me what it feels like to love again"? He enjoyed hearing her speak, one of the things he had missed the most was the sound of her voice and now as her warm small body cuddled into his he wanted nothing more than to be comforted by her words and her voice, he was sure tonight he would sleep without nightmares. For when Zoya was home, so was he, when Zoya was around he was no longer alone
"It feels kind of like drowning, you know you'll just keep sinking, no matter how many times you begin to get up another tidal wave knocks you down so you get pulled under more, it's scary and you're so unbalanced but then it hits you, this overwhelming peacefulness, this feeling of freedom that can never be replicated again, and that's when you know, the fall is terrifying yes, but it's so worth it, there's something beautiful about not knowing if someone will catch you when you fall in love" she watched as he opened his mouth to ask "Not literally falling, figure of speech"
"That sounds" he grimaced "That sounds horrible"
She laughed "Yeah, maybe, it's worth it though, because when I fell in love with you everything else became so clear, I have no idea who I am most of the time, but with you by my side I know that I am the woman that can call you my man"
Aditya's brows furrowed "You are Zoya, I don't" he halted "Figure of speech"?
"Figure of speech" she sighed loudly "I'm kind of tired, I think I might get some sleep"
"But I learnt something new" he jumped up "Aren't you proud of me"?
"Yeah, of course I am" the moment she saw him step toward her she stepped back, the vision of his anger etched into his skin still too clear a memory, it was okay when she was making the first contact but the thought of being in the same house where they had fallen apart and having him touch her again made her feel ill "I'm just going to um sleep"
"But you always let me touch you now, and you always kiss me goodnight" Aditya was confused "Zoya"
"Yeah" she looked up "Right" kissing his cheek quickly she stepped back "There you go"
"That isn't how you always do it"
"Well you don't like it when I do anyway so what's the problem" she crossed her arms and looked away "I'm tired, I want to sleep"
"Yes I do, I never said I didn't"
"Well you act like you don't" she bit into her cheek "It doesn't matter, just forget I said anything" Zoya looked back up
"That's only because it's too much to handle, sensory overload, I don't know how to handle feeling all those things" he stumbled back a little "Everytime you're close, it's like i'm, it's like i'm drowning"
I am so sorry I haven't uploaded this in ages, this story just took me to some dark places! Either way, I hope you enjoy it!
Anupamaa
