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I have followed this show off and on, liking it in bits and pieces because many of the threads in the show intertwine with my personal life. I got married into a family where my husband was the primary financial support of his single parent and family. I have seen how parental obsessives and wanting complete and utter control of the married child causes immense issues in the marriage at all levels..emotional, financial , name it.
This show at times makes me very happy to see some scenarios played on screen that I have faced, at times it brings great sadness, bad memories back, with a sense of despair for who so ever is going through these tough phases of life.When it becomes unbearable, I stop watching the episodes , because it reminds me too much of the bitterness I went through. But happy to say that I am much older now, with a healthy marriage and two sons of my own and am able to see life from its multiple angles and perspectives.
My husband was very much like Dev, it took him 7-8 long years to understand the need to standup for his wife and his family unit in front of rest of the family. Typical mistake he made, and one I have seen Dev making too is to consider " sab apne hai, sab mera accha sochte hain so nothing wrong can happen". WRONG. Our own people, including parents and siblings may not understand us perfectly all the time and may not want what we want. Their own egos and other motivations come into play...and some will not hesitate to use you towards their goals. It took a long time for my husband to understand this reality...by the time he understood, we had been through the worse in our marriage and it would be in shambles...except for our kids who kept our marriage concrete and going. They gave us a purpose to unite and fight for our family unit, keeping aside this my family- ur family stuff. Today I respect my husband more as father of my children because he fought for them, and theirmother to keep the respect of our family intact. That in turn paved the way for us to understand and respect each other as husband and wife all over again.
Most issues arise with- Communication. That is the one single most important thing. Timely communication, to the right person, in the right manner at the right time. That is the crux of relationships. And the second thing, is to give space. Allow space, and people will come back to you.
My husband was very good at his work, job, education , friends, support to his family esp monetary, and good with his relations with me too. The thing that he lacked was communicating correctly between the relationships, esp when important decisions are needed. Luckily for me, unlike Sona I was blessed with children early on and though we struggled with all this for a few years we came out of it knowing that we have to raise our children together. We decided to take care of our elders with their flaws as a couple ,as a unit, and pave the way for a better future for our kids.
Children stabilize the marriage and give it the concrete sense of a unit, after which the husband and wife are connected through blood through the kids. That may not apply to some cases of abuse and physical harassment but to most cases, children make us look to future, to hope.
Having said that, my husband 's support was most critical to me during my pregnancy and delivery. Its a very sensitive time in a girls life, and I have never forgotten the good and the bad my family members said or did during that phase. Because pregnancy makes a woman emotionally and physically vulnerable, and emotional sensitivity is heightened at that time.
Even though I am high qualified IT and Business professional, had tons of self earned money in the bank and was otherwise very healthy, I was reduced to hours of tears and puffy eyes for insensitive remarks made or for the times when my husband wasn't around me due to travel for work.
I am so thankful that my husband took the time to understand, came to prepare childbirth classes, read books and supported me every way he could including learning to cook. Even if I cried for a reason he could not understand, he held me and talked to me till I was pacified.And all this when he is not even a romantic or lovey dovey sort of a guy. He is more of a responsible guy who does things out of knowing he needs to do them.
But this caring side of him brought on the jealous and possessive side of some family members, because of which during my second pregnancy, I had to face some nasty family troubles. That brought the worse phase of my life to my door . Everyone else wanted their own importance , and my husband put me at the bottom of the list to pacify them. Ping pong ball, kabhi yahan kabhi wahan. Issues culminated in bad care post partum , and my marriage came to rock bottom..I struggled with two young kids living with my in laws doing every thing on my own as my husband went to work.
We fought and struggled , until he himself saw how his family functioned and understood that sincerity does not work always, some tough love is necessary.
Its a process of understanding and it does not come in a day. But meanwhile its important to not let go of people who love you. Not once, in all this churning did my husband ask me to leave. Not once..not even in our worst phase when we were living in separate rooms in the house. Rather , once when my parent in law asked me to leave in an angry tirade, my husband intervened to firmly clarify that this is his wife's house , that she is the lady of the house here, and that no one has a right to ask her to leave. We all can be angry, argue or dislike each other but no one asks another to leave in a family.
Dev-Sona Separation
Given all I have seen, I related to Dev Dixit and Sona Bose very easily. Dev has the same communication issues I saw in my husband. Not telling the truth at the right time to right people, getting everybody into problems. . But where I lost Dev was his inability to understand that no matter how things were before, he needs to change now because he is married and a third person has joined the family equation. After marriage the keyword is "we together". We together take care of our room , our house, our finances, our responsibilities. And Sona was coaching him with it. Dev' expectation that he loves everyone so everyone will love him like he wants and get along is not a realistic expectation..thats where exaclty my husband also faltered. Till he learnt to draw boundaries.
Dev -Sona separation was very forced and out of character for their personalities. But the fact that she went through the pregnancy and childbirth and taking care of the baby alone, my heart goes out to her. A lot of people must be thinking why is she alone, her parents and brother are with her right? WRONG. For a married person, spouse holds a huge importance, and esp for a pregnant girl support of husband is the most critical thing. Not matter who else is there with her, she will fee alone because the baby is hers and her husbands and she needs his care. A couple as a unit takes care of pregnancy and baby etc. Not having him, that too when he alive and able to take care of her, but just hates her so much he didn't come after her, that must have been most painful.
Its not Dev's mistake that she went through it alone , though he should have checked if the family was fine after they were kicked out of their home. Basically he thought that she was anyway infertile whats the point in going after her. But each time he utters My daughter Suhana...he annoys me because he didn't think of responsibilities, he thinks of rights. And its a very Dixit family trait..they think of their rights and others responsibilities, not vice-versa.
Rights and Responsibilities come hand in hand.
Rights, come with responsibilities. You have to earn your rights by fulfilling responsibilities properly. Rights cannot be demanded by being biological parent or on basis of hollow authority. Authority needs to be backed up be deeds done to command it. Even courts do not consent such rights. Contrary to popular notion that Dev has equal rights as the father, in a court of law, baby born after separation is not given to father by right.
Atleast now, if Dev chooses to do his responsibilities to Soha and win rights on her, he will be on better path. Starting with offering to take up her financial responsibility . All this while Sona has been mother and father, doing her part at home and outside. He needs to do his part, and tell Sona he will share all responsibilities with her and then talk about Rights.
The topics the show is touching are quite grave and serious. They need to sober up and treat it with delicate and thoughtful measures and not with arrogance and humour. There is nothing to laugh about for a woman who faced criticism for her infertility, was almost told she will be accepted only after she undergoes treatments and have a baby for the family tree, and then when mutual family fights break out, the husband asks her to leave twice, in front of everyone and does not go to get her back.Does not check on her for years but after knowing a daughter was born, he now wants his " rights". Nothing respectable about it, and thats coming from my husband.
Hey friend this s such an awesome post n thanks a lot for sharing your life experience with us.if u dont mind can i post this on twitter so that many other people will also come to know about it n how our show connects wid the real life??
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