Aj Jaane Ki Zidd Na Karo - A ShraMan OS - Page 3

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dhanyata thumbnail
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Posted: 8 years ago
#21
Ho...ho...ho !!! 😃 Marvellous update...it was freaking superbbb. Feeling better whenever I realize my other friend-fans are not pleased just like me with the shraman's portrayal off-late in the show and are re-writing them in most possible better ways👏.
Sumo's reaction after all that happened at preekar wedding night is one of the worsttest things happened in the show.😡 I am very very grateful to you that you managed to erase those scenes from my mind and replaced them with one beautiful scene as in your writing.
I loved every monologue of sumo, her turmoil about their friendship relationship status right then. Her fear when realizing some stranger at the park are all penned nicely. it turned out to be shravan.😲

Though not romantic, shravan's doings to sumo there showed his pain, his fear of loss, frustration😭

Of course, shravan is a genuine, loyal lover. He can't harm sumo whatever it may be.

When he said " At least I'm calling you Suman as off yet."

This was exactly the situation at the show, if she married adi, never one can imagine that they would meet, talk..or be friends. Everyone at tiwari's know that still just they are okay with it along with sumo.😭
How he cried after dropping sumo at tiwari killa, poor boy, still believed that his harsh words would make sumo speak her heart but failed. I couldn't stop crying along with him there. Because that very moment again reminded me of Sumo of the show. So harsh and she would have definitely did this, just go and shut the door.
But you brought her back. Just loved their union there and their dialogues at her room ( he started being naughty...😛)

P.S. It pained just by only reading your note, that you wrote shravan's death. JUST CANNOT TOLERATE THAT AT ANY COST. After losing so much, he can't just lose his life as well. that too giving his everything to Aditya😡. NO WAY. He deserves his happy life, his family, his Mom'S LOVE, his sumo. Shravan should live happily.

You are sooo Good, u realized the effect and changed the ending for us and for you. Thanks a lot😊

P.P.S It may look like am comparing original show's scenes with one's here, but can't help. We always craved for something like this, and as you re-write them in the most desired way (just as continuation to the original) am expressing my feel like that.

Expecting another dhamakadhar update from you soonish.
orion23 thumbnail
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Posted: 8 years ago
#22
HAPPY ENDING:

Suman couldn't do this anymore. If she had to go against her family for Shravan she would. If she had to go against Ramnath she would. If she had to go against Shravan himself, she would. It was for their lives. She turned around and opened the door to see him right where she left him. His face buried in his palms, body shaking from the sobs that escaped him. As she came closer she could hear his wails and that was her undoing. Why shivering hands, she yanked the door open. Shravan looked up, eyes bloodshot. "Andar chalo.." demanded Suman.

"Kyun?"

"Har sawal ka jawab dena zaroori nahi hai. Chalo." She held his hand and dragged him home with her. She made him sit on her bed and turned to shut the door, while Shravan looked at her confused.

"Shravan?" She called him as she sat next to him on the bed. Taking his palms in hers she spoke. "Ek promise karoge mujhe?"

"Hmm?"

"Tum vaada karo kabhi jaaneki baat nahi karoge.."

"Kyun?"

"Vaada karo mujhe!"

"Sumo mujhe tadpana accha lagta hai tumhe?"

"Shravan?"

"Jaan maang leti aasan hota shayad, I can't live here and see you with someone else."

"You promise me you won't go.."

"Suman I can't."

"It's Sumo for you.."

"Why are you doing this?" he asked tired. She held his face between her palms and kissed his forehead.

Tum hi socho zara kyoon naa roke tumhe
Jaan jaati hai jab utth ke jaate ho tum
Jaan jaati hai jab utth ke jaate ho tum

Tum ko apni qasam jaane jaan
Baat itni meri maan lo
Aaj jaane ki zid na karo

"Same reason you want to leave. Neither can I see you with someone else nor can I be someone else's"


"You won't ever see me with someone else. Its either you or no one else for me."


"That girl?"


"I didn't sleep with her or anybody else. As I said, its either you or no one else."


"Shravan? Maaf kar sakoge mujhe?"


"Tumne bohot dil dukhaya hai Sumo, bohot zyada. Tum doobara nahi...?" asked Shravan vulnerably.


"Nahi kabhi nahi, never.." replied she hugging him. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."


"Mai bhi sorry.."


"Shhh... You were just trying to fight for a living."


"I guess."


"Shravan, I love you."


Shravan wept with relief. "I love you too. Always have. Always will."


They stayed in each other's embrace for many moments before Suman quipped. "Ab kya karenge?"


"Kya karenge? Nanu ko kal batayenge. Aditya ko bolenge f**k off chep!"


"Sharavan!"


"What? Don't tell me you actually had something for him."


"What are you crazy? I've always loved you."


"Ya ya, and it was your love that was causing you to kill me so?"


Suman didn't know what to say. His father was the reason. But she thought against telling him now. That could wait. Her love had won. He came to her. He confessed his love. This was enough for now.

Shravan got up and walked towards the door. Suman held his hand tight. "You said you wouldn't leave!"


"My phone is in the car, I need to cancel my ticket and tell Eric that he will have to handle the firm forever after."


"Baad mai bata dena. Abhi Eric aur ticket zyada Important hai ya main?"


"Point."

Yoonhi pahlu mein baithe raho
Yoonhi pahlu mein baithe raho
Aaj jaane ki zidd na karo

Shravan sat back on the bed and put his head in her lap. "Sumo? Ab sab theek ho jayega na?"


"Ab kuch galat hua toh mai sach mai Sumo ban jaoongi.."


"Hmm.. that sounds about right."


"It does.."


"I'm really tired.." Said Shravan.


"It's been so long we have not found peace." Said Suman playing with his hair.


"How could we? We were away... Umm...Sumo?"


"Haan?"


"Can I sleep here today..?"


"What made you think I would allow you to leave?"


"I see, are you bossing over me?"


"Do you not like that?"


"I didn't say that. Boss over me all you want. I'm yours.."


"And I'm yours.."


"Oh look! Sumo our first hicky!!"


"What?"


"I bit you a bit too hard.."


"Of course you did. Wait why did you do that? I was petrified and you went on with your ministrations?"


"Its not what I set out to do okay? But seeing you there, I just thought if it's the very last time, I might as well do my heart's bidding."


"Is that all your heart yearned for?"


"My heart only yearned for you. This was another organ's yearning..."


"Shravan! You jerk!"


"Well I am the self centered assh**le after all."


"You!!" She whacked him hard.


"Lag ra hai yaar!"


"Good lo aur lo!"


"Kya loon?" He looked suggestively!


"Ahh! Tum nahi sudhroge!"


"Woh kya kehti thi tum? Jo sudhar gaya woh Shravan nahi!"

-------------------------

Well that's that. How did you like it? Or did you even like it?

Do let me know!

Do scroll down for the sad ending. I'd like to know what you think of it!!

Zoya

Edited by orion23 - 8 years ago
orion23 thumbnail
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Posted: 8 years ago
#23
Sit with a big box of tissues please!

NOT SO HAPPY ENDING:
Shravan drove towards his home with a very heavy heart. Why was he so ill fated he thought. What had he done to deserve such misery. The past decade he tried his best to live, to love, to smile amongst tears. He did everything in his power to be unperturbed, to make the best out of what he had. He never wanted to come back to India, he had made truce with his past. Sure he loved Sumo, sure he would never be anyone else's but the magnitude of the pain would have been much lesser had he never returned.

Coming back home, getting a taste of being a part of a family, having a friend that would die for you, feeling what it felt like to be madly in love to have it all snatched away in the blink of an eye was virtually enough for his heart to stop, but surprisingly it beat just for her. And he never felt more disgusted. Not because his heart still yearned for her but because he fell as if there was no tomorrow. He could never face himself again for having said and done so much wrong. He looked at himself in the rear view mirror and he saw someone else looking back at him. Sure the guy in the mirror looked exactly like him but this wasn't him. He didn't know what he had become, but he hated it. His chain of thoughts was broken with the shrill sound of his phone. He decided not to answer cause he wanted to be left alone, he had no inclination to get into a conversation with anyone at this point. He thought it must be his dad, for he'd left a message on his phone regarding his departure early morning. "Sorry Papa, I can't stay not this time, it hurts too much. I need space and peace." Was what his message read. He knew his father would be distraught at the news but he just couldn't keep up the farce anymore. He couldn't deny himself the opportunity to mourn the demise of his love.

His phone kept ringing over and over again and he was now getting irritated with its constant buzzing. He took the phone in his hand and saw the call ID flashing Suman's name. Is she in trouble he thought? He parked the car at the side of the road and answered the phone. "Sumo? Tum theek ho?"


"Nahi Shravan, kuch bhi theek nahi hai.."


"Kya hua?"


"Shravan tum chale gaye toh aaisa laga ke dil tham gaya ho, jaise kuch bohot galat hone wala hai, bohot ghabrahat ho rahi hai mujhe.."


After long moments of silence Shravan spoke, "Mujhe bhi.. Same feeling.. But I guess its just the pain of having to leave everyone I love. Tumhe aaisa lag raha hai shayad kyunki tum ab bina wajhe kis le ladhogi na?"


Shravan heard her cry on the other side of the phone, he had set his heart on leaving but he would change his decision in a heartbeat if she so much as said the word. But she didn't. And the slight glimmer of hope that had made its way into his soul was extinguished. He felt horrid. Like there was something that was not right. How could anything be right when he was leaving his one true love forever.


"Shravan?"


"Haan?"


"Agar mai tum se kahoon mat jao, toh tum ruk jaoge?"


"Tum keh kar toh dekho.."


"Tum ruk jao jaate jaate, sajhde mai jhuk jaaon.." She pleaded.


"Ek baar keh do ruk jao, sau baar ruk jaoon.."


"Mat jao Shravan.."


"Theek hai.."


"Theek hai kya? Tum nahi ja rahe? Bas aaise hi?"


"Haan bas aaise hi.."


"Kaash pehle keh diya hota, toh itna dard hota hi nahi.." said Suman dejected.


"Hmm kaash, but it's never too late haina?"


"Shravan?"


"Hmm?" He asked smiling.


"I love you." she breathed out.


Shravan sighed in content. This was it. This was all he'd ever asked for. She acknowledged his importance in her life. Everything seemed brighter. This fleeting moment of bliss was enough for him to forget all the pains of his past. He felt peaceful. He felt complete. Life had suddenly turned and his fate seemed to smile at him. But then with some people a few moments of happiness is all they ever get. Sometimes some people are actually simply ill fated. And no matter how hard one tries, destiny catches up. Shravan's caught up.


He began, "Sumo... I..."


The next thing Suman heard was a massive crash. A horrific sound that made her smile falter. She felt a knot forming in her stomach. She heard a few more crash sounds along with breaking of glass. Fear coursed through her veins. "SHRAVAN? SHRAVAN SAY SOMETHING? WHAT WAS THAT? WHAT HAPPENED?" Getting absolutely no reply she yelled into the phone again, "SHRAVAN! DAMN IT SPEAK UP!!"


A drunk truck driver had misjudged Shravan's car parked at the side of the street and rammed head on into his car. The impact was so strong the car skid off the road, tumbled a few times and stopped inverted. Shravan was semi conscious and was loosing blood fast, it was spurting out of his wounds. He tried to get out but couldn't. His seat belt was jammed, his right leg was squeezed in the metal of what remained of the car. He knew he had a bad head injury and a lot many more. "Sumo..." He whispered in pain. The accident had caused his phone to fling out of his hand and rest somewhere on the roof of the car which was now the base. He searched frantically with his free hand. If destiny was being cruel, she did give Shravan one last moment of respite. He found his phone, which was still working. He put on the loud speaker and heard Suman yelling senselessly in fear. "Sumo.." He managed.


"Shravan! Thank God tum theek ho! Mai kitna darr gayi thi, kya hua tha? Tum theek ho na?"


"Sumo, promise..." He took in painful gulps of air. "Promise you'll be strong."


"Shravan kya bol rahe ho tum?"


"Sabr karogi tum.."


"Shravan? Kyun aaisi baaten kar rahe ho?"


"Accident hua hai mera.."


"Kahan ho tum abhi I'll come.."


"Utna time nahi hai Sumo.."


"I'll send an ambulance damn it!"


"Sumo... ple...ahh..please meri baat suno. Utna time nahi hai mere paas." He said weeping. He knew the rate at which he was loosing blood, the excruciating pain he felt and the terrible unsettling in the pit of his stomach, he wasn't going to make it and that any breath he'd take could be his last. He had so much to say. So much to mend. A life to live, but he had no time. "Sumo... I'm so sorry... I'm.." He broke into painful sobs.


Suman knew the worst had happened. The ghabrahat she felt wasn't for nothing. It was divine intervention, but she was too late. "Shravan.. shh... shh... it's okay. Tum ne jaan kar kuch nahi kia."


"I have hurt you a lot Sumo.." he hissed in pain.


"You could never truly hurt me Shravan. You can never hurt a person you love. And tum toh mujh se bohot pyaar karte ho na?"


"Itna ke mai tumhe kabhi bata nahi paaonga. Bohot pyaar kia tumse Sumo, bas keh nahi saka. Ab ahh. ab sochta hoon keh hi deta. Kam se kam tumhare chehre ki khushi toh dekhna naseeb hota mujhe.."


"Mehsoos karo Shravan, mai paas hi toh hoon tumhare.." Whispered Suman tearing up.


"Kuch mehsoos nahi ho raha hai Sumo, ab toh dard bhi nahi.."


Suman now knew the time they had was getting lesser. It was in the very end when the sensations of pain left the body.


"Shravan, mai wahin hoon tumhare saath.."


"Aur mai tumhare, hamesha. *hiss* Jab bhi thandi hawa tumhare baalon ko sehlaye, samjh lena mai hoon. Jab bhi barish ki boon tumhe chooaye, ah.. samjh lena mai hoon. Jab dhoop kuch zyada tez ho, samjh lena mai hoon. Jab mujhe mehsoos karna chaho, apne dil par haath rakhna, dhadkano mai mai hi miloonga." He completed with a lot of difficulty. Suman sat on the floor clutching her heart weeping at their states. Why was life so cruel she could not fathom. His breathing had gotten much more laboured.


"Shravan mat jao na..."


Tum hi socho zara kyoon naa roke tumhe
Jaan jaati hai jab utth ke jaate ho tum
Jaan jaati hai jab utth ke jaate ho tum

Tum ko apni qasam jaane jaan
Baat itni meri maan lo
Aaj jaane ki zid na karo


"Kaash ruk pata Sumo, I don't want to go. Mujhe bohot darr lag raha hai.. Par shayad humari kismat mai yehi tha." He took in a few sighs. "Kismat ko mat rona Sumo, woh jo dikha jaye, usko bata dena tum meri Sumo ho. Kismat can't break you. You're stronger than that.."


"I promise I won't break.."


"Ek aur waada karo.."


"Tum jo maango woh.."


"Hamesha khush rehna, mujhe yaad karke hasna, rona mat. Tumko mere hisse ki bhi zindagi jeeni hai. Have a complete life..."


"I promise.."


"I love kids! Have at least three..."


"Shravan please..." she whispered. between sobs.


"Arey! Ab mere toh ho nahi sakte." He let out a pained laugh. "Toh tumhare sahi.. 2 bete aur ek beti, beti meri favourite hogi haan. Aman, Ammar and Ammara. Bolo na Sumo, okay na?"


"Haan, teen bacche, Aman, Ammar and Ammara.."


"Perfect. Sumo Papa ko bolna I love him, Nanu ko bolna I'll see him soon and Pushkar ko kehna I'm proud of him.."


"Keh doongi..."


"Sumo, I can't see... Mujhe kuch dikhaye nahi de raha..."


And their time was up. "Shravan aankhen band kar lo, mai wahin hoon, darna mat. Ab koi dard koi takleef tumko nahi chooegi. We will have three kids, we will be happy, you will be with us, and jab mai thak jaaon mujhe apne paas bula lena please. Bulaoge na?"


"Haan.." he said shutting his eyes letting his tears stop, a smile gracing his face. "Mai khud aaonga tumhe lene.."


"Promise?"


"Pro..."


She heard his breathing stopped but stayed that way, one hand clutching her heart and another the phone. Many moments passed. She felt a void. She knew he was gone, but then soon after a cool breeze flowed through her window and she felt him all over again. In his embrace she wept at his demise.


-------------------------


Suman sat writing poems on the bench of the park as she saw their three beautiful children playing and squealing in happiness. Aman, Ammar and Ammara just as he had wanted it.

Aman was 8, Ammar and Ammara were twins of 6. She had adopted Aman a year after Shravan's death and Ammar and Ammara 2 years later. They were happy. They were getting through life. PCT was doing way beyond her expectations. Pushkar had taken the reins of both Malhotra and Associates and Shravan's firm and was doing a marvellous job at both. Him and Preeti had an adorable daughter, Priya. Vandy and Varun were living in the States and were blessed with a son, Vivaan. Ramnath was miserable. Even though it had been 7 years Shravan was gone, he never forgave himself for all he inflicted on his son. He still believed life would have been different had he not meddled. He felt his son payed for his sins and that made living a terrible punishment. Nanu had passed 3 years after Shravan. She knew they were in a happy place smiling down at them. "Kya dekh rahe ho?" She asked looking at Shravan's photo. She had made it a habit to speak with him or his photos at least, it gave her peace. She and their kids shared everything with Papa. Spoke to him everyday. "Kya tumhe lagta hai mujhe pata nahi tum dekh rahe ho? Mujhe sab pata hai! Dhoop itni tez hai, aj bohot zyada hi shiddat se dekh rahe ho na! Nahi sudhroge tum! Don't you know it's rude to stare!" She stated caressing his smile.


"Ma! Mumma! Come to play na!" Exclaimed Ammara.


"Yes Daddy's princess! I'll be there in a moment." She told Ammara who ran off to play with her brothers.


"Aapki beti ka hukum hai, mai chalti hoon.." She said placing Shravan's photo in the book. "Baaki updates raat ko aur ho sake toh tum bhi aa jao na khelne.." Saying she shut the book and carefully placed it in her bag.


In a moment the weather changed. The sun hid behind the clouds. Cool winds brought in with them gentle rains. "Tum aa gaye.." whispered Suman clutching her heart.


"Mumma!! Mumma!!" screamed the kids happily, "Papa is here!!!"


"Yes he is my darlings. He always is..."


Yoonhi pahlu mein baithe raho
Yoonhi pahlu mein baithe raho
Aaj jaane ki zidd na karo


---------------------------------------

Well!

That was emotionally draining! But I just had to see this through, this was after all the original vision for this OS. I know Shravan didn't deserve to die. But life isn't fair. It's just life. We all come with our days numbered, we never know next is what. Toh live it full fledged, if you love someone say it. If you don't don't fake it either. Life is too short for pretences, it's too short to spend it waiting. Seize the day.

Funda zyada ho gaya na?

Anyway do tell me how it was?

I can't wait to hear from you guys...




Edited by orion23 - 8 years ago
Safire thumbnail
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Posted: 8 years ago
#24
Beautiful happy ending Zoya,thank you so much!!!!! And woh!me first?
Safire thumbnail
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Posted: 8 years ago
#25

Oh,NO!! You can't do this😭
Akriti12 thumbnail
Explorer Thumbnail
Posted: 8 years ago
#26
hey zoya..another bang on update...👏👏
totally loved it...😊
detail wala comment next week..abhi exams hai..😭
bye bye..😊
arshuaar thumbnail
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Posted: 8 years ago
#27
marvelous as well heart wrenching...
loved it...
beautifully written...
_anukulgr8 thumbnail
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Posted: 8 years ago
#28
Amazing update..👏Aapse toh updates ki baarish ho rahi hai lagta hai...
Title was so cute...I was studying..par title dekh kar raha hi nahi gaya...😆
truly marvelous...Par no sad ending ha..😳
sapphire3 thumbnail
9th Anniversary Thumbnail Rocker Thumbnail + 3
Posted: 8 years ago
#29
RES
----------
UNRES

Okay I was going to re read it later at night n then unres my comment but the impatient me won't wait
N LADY BOND(you know who 😆) was cooking in the kitchen so how could I miss this golden opportunity 🤣
Tissues to pehli bar padh ke hi khatm ho gye ...ab? 🥱
Now change the Tatasky channel no. 809 😆

Let's come to the update

Coming Home was a Mistake !!
#TheVampireDiaries

Zo don't kill me for bringing this *hides face*
I couldn't help 😆

Poor shravan maybe if he stayed in London he would have been 0.1% less hurt
But his heart his life was here in India



Seeing her name how worried he was . How can someone love so much?
He was dying inside but all he cared was if she was in some trouble . This man is a Gem ❤️

Tum ruk jao jaate jaate, sajhde mai jhuk jaaon.."

Sumo ko chodo malik ye @mehboobkenaam aap ke sajhde me jhuk gya !!!

You add Zoya's effect( I think it should be added in physics textbooks...what say??) to edkv dialogues .

Sumo said I love you !!!! 🤪 *nonstop khushi me aansoo*
Haye aaj to Rapti me baadh aa jayegi 😲 😆
Ab yaha ganga kaha se laun? 😆

ACCIDENT!!!!!!😲
Nooo!!!! 😭 😭
Damn!! Why is fate so cruel?
They were going to get their happily ever after n then this... 😭 😭
Last time I read i stopped right here. I thought maybe this time it would hurt less
But no ...it still hurts like hell!!!! 💔

"Aur mai tumhare, hamesha. *hiss* Jab bhi thandi hawa tumhare baalon ko sehlaye, samjh lena mai hoon. Jab bhi barish ki boon tumhe chooaye, ah.. samjh lena mai hoon. Jab dhoop kuch zyada tez ho, samjh lena mai hoon. Jab mujhe mehsoos karna chaho, apne dil par haath rakhna, dhadkano mai mai hi miloonga."

I wish I could hug you in real but ...so sending you a virtual hug 🤗
You slayed it bro!!!!!
You are the best dialogue writer!!! Add this category to the next award post 😳

Kismat ko mat rona Sumo, woh jo dikha jaye, usko bata dena tum meri Sumo ho. Kismat can't break you. You're stronger than that.."
Shravan Jaan le le tu humari 😭

"I love kids! Have at least three..."
Arey! Ab mere toh ho nahi sakte." He let out a pained laugh. "Toh tumhare sahi


My weak heart can't take it more 💔

Sumo, I can't see... Mujhe kuch dikhaye nahi de raha..."



Shravan aankhen band kar lo, mai wahin hoon, darna mat. Ab koi dard koi takleef tumko nahi chooegi. We will have three kids, we will be happy, you will be with us, and jab mai thak jaaon mujhe apne paas bula lena please. Bulaoge na?"

Mai khud aaonga tumhe lene.."

😭 😭 😭
You do know you dialogues are killer !! I used to whistle at every dialogue
But today you deserve *izzat wala salute*
I'm so so proud of you😃

Aman , Ammar, Ammara cute names ❤️
As promised he is always with her. Kabhi roshni, kabhi Hawa ka jhonka, kabhi barish like boond ban ke.

You are my Nicholas Sparks /John green ❤️

Itni der se type Kar Rahi, do I need to tell how much I loved it ???
Now my lacrimal glands need a rest . Becharo to raat me fir se mehnat Karni hai 😆
Bye !!!!!
Take care!!!!!!
Oh did I tell you I love you? You know that❤️
Edited by sapphire3 - 8 years ago
minakrish thumbnail
Posted: 8 years ago
#30
Loved both the versions of the OS ❤️

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