Ye Dil Tanha Kyun Rahe - IshRa TS Final Part 3 Pg 15

Raman

Raman's throat scorched as he washed down another drink. He clutched onto the glass, till his knuckles grew white; asked for another fill, and one more...waiting for the pain to fade and for numbness to take over. After all, who knew pain better than he did? He'd been through his before, hadn't he? And he had survived. This searing pain that he was feeling, that throbbed his chest and hurt his every pore would pass, like it had before as he would drown himself into the world of detachment and loneliness, where he would be his only companion. He was going to be okay, like he had been before Ms Iyer walked into his life.

Not Iyer he smiled to himself...she was Ishita Raman' Kumar Bhalla. The woman had breezed into his life as his savior and pulled him out of the shadows of his past. She had given him the courage to fight his inner demons, to breakdown the walls that had caged him, that had made him almost brutal. Her boundless ability to love, her care and concern for him and his family; her kindness and positivity had healed and molded him...had made him want to be a better man, to be a man good enough for her. But most of all she had made him a father.

He was a biological parent to two beautiful children, but hadn't fathered even one. Adi had been distanced from him and Ruhi he had distanced himself from. He hadn't realized how his insolence and unfairness had scarred his daughter till Ishita had made him realize it. He hadn't realized that his blind love for Adi could do more damage than good till she had reasoned with him. She had saved him from dragging his kids into the hellhole he had been sucked into and saved them all from a life of doom.

An empty house, a lonely life and alcohol to drown himself into...that was all he thought he needed. But the last few months had changed it all. He had gotten used to the mad chaos that his family was; growing on him enough to make him indulge in their love and affection and return it in equal measures. His day wouldn't be over until he hugged his daughter and sat listening to her incessant chatter. But mostly it was this new found ever growing longing to return home to a companion, a self righteous, strong headed, independent and loyal woman...his Jhansi ki Rani. There had been a time when they couldn't stand the sight of each other. They had been through a rutted ride of misunderstandings, conflicts and hate. They had bickered, argued and detested each other's guts; gotten tied into a matrimonial for his daughter and even then just been two individuals who wanted no association with the other... But fate had it planned differently.

He shut his eyes as it struck him hard and fast, that he would never be okay. He couldn't go back to being the Janwar' she had once called him... He didn't want to. The last few months of his married life had been a slice of paradise. It had made him yearn and dream of a lifetime with Ishita. Something he had never imagined he would ever do again. But he had. His self trained, stoned heart had melted and he had inadvertently fallen in love with her. A man who found it hard to trust himself had regained his lost confidence, and began trusting again. His faith and belief strengthened by her endless compassion. And he had let go, let go of his mad want to revenge, of the fight for his hate to be victorious; let go of the past that had him shackled to misery, and that not just affected him but also his family, his children and her.

Ishita had liberated him; made him feel accepted.. His feelings, his wants, his pain and his happiness meant something. The feeling of being trusted and of being enough for someone and as however he was without any conditions had overwhelmed him. He hadn't felt dependable and hadn't been able to lean on anyone...but Ishita had gradually become that one person in his life he could do anything for, tell anything to and be whoever he wanted to be with...and be sure that she wouldn't judge him.

No. He couldn't be sure of that; he gritted his jaw, fisting his hands to control the rage that wanted to destroy anything that came in his way. He threw the glass away, crashing it into a million pieces just as his blooming faith had. A sad laugh erupted from his clogged throat as he mocked himself. He was back to where it all started from. Cheated, abandoned and feeling worthless, all over again. How had he managed to do that? He felt light-headed and slid down on the chair, near the broken shards of glasses, and let out another chuckle. So Ishita didn't need him too. How had he not thought of that? Why had he assumed things would ever change for him? Why had he presumed that he could be vital to someone? And why in God's name did he think that Ishita could ever want a man like him?

He shut his eyes as the laughter finally gave way to tears that clouded his vision. Flashes swarmed his head, reminding him of the agony he had been through in the last few weeks. It had all started when Ishita's childhood friend Mani had walked into their life. His stable marriage, his blind belief on their peaceful future and ever growing fondness for each other had been faced by a roadblock. It had started with mild annoyance initially; irritation on knowing his demure wife actually had a friend of the opposite sex. The annoyance had led to jealousy and then seclusion when the friend had slowly invaded their life, his wife's precious time and even his families. From being the apple of everyone's eye at his in-laws to being a silent spectator as all the attention got grabbed by Shani'. He had seen and been burnt by all. Gradually Ishita had begun depending on Mani for everything, whether it was as small a thing as help for a household chore or for being a confidant to share their married life's secrets. Slowly the jealousy had been overtaken by rage leading him to forcefully face his past and question her fidelity. Her secret meetings with Mani, the change of his name on her phone, the lies...a mirror to the life he had left behind, and had feared facing ever again.

Even as he had cribbed about it to himself or continued to vent his frustration on Ishita because of the same; he hadn't ever stopped her from interacting or spending time with Mani. Because he had seen her happy, carefree, young and herself after a long time...something that he hadn't been able to provide her with. So although he had seared every time he saw the friends together, he had stood aside and let anger consume him but not intervene. All until Mani had questioned his relation with Ishita, shown him the mirror... and shown him how rude and pathetic a husband he was. Initially he had wanted nothing but to punch his face enough to ruin it, but as he had reflected on his words, he had accepted them to be right.

What had he done for Ishita? She had come into his life and agreed to be a part of it only for his daughter. She had sacrificed a better future, a chance to have a better husband and man...with no custody battles, annoying ex wife and ex bosses, someone with less baggage. She had deserved a man who respected her, her beauty inner or outer; the one who regarded her selflessness, who admired her perseverance, and who took her not just as a mother for his child but even as a wife. And what had she gotten? A man with a caustic tongue who had only ever taunted her... be it about her profession, her appearance...or for just being herself. He had only ever rebuked her and shunned her away...He hadn't given her a normal marriage, a kind loving word or moment to hold onto and be secure. He hadn't made her feel needed and cherished as she deserved to be. Even today he had insulted her in front of a million people. He had earned another milestone, tasted more success but instead of thanking her he had acknowledged his ex wife, only degrading Ishita even more, making her feel like piece of crap who didn't mean anything to him. He didn't deserve her.

Ishita was not Shagun... It was a fact he knew and accepted. Even if his present mirrored his previous life, he knew Ishita could never be the woman who had cheated him, abandoned her children and tainted their lives with hatred and animosity. She had destroyed him, broken his family and hadn't invested anything to nurture their relation.

But Ishita...she had laced the family together, had gotten him closer to his daughter, guided him to be a better father, borne the brunt of being a second wife even as the ex never stopped raging a storm in their lives...And all without a complain. His family, his past and he himself had caused her and her entire family a lot pain and woe...but she hadn't flinched, hadn't backed off or escaped as he would have expected any other woman to. The fault lied with him. It was he who wasn't enough, he had known it when Shagun walked out and he knew even now when Mani reminded him of it.

Why then did it hurt him when she implied that Mani was her hero? Why would she not compare him to her friend who was everything Raman knew he could never ever be? A life with that man would be so easy for her; sans all the excruciating pain and turmoil that marriage with him had put her through. Why did it pinch him when she had said she could leave her husband and child and go to Mani? He had once told Mihir that even Shagun had the right to choose a better life, a partner of her choice and move on. When Shagun could, why couldn't Ishita? She deserved this happiness. She deserved better than him.

He felt his chest burn, and bile gather in his throat even as he thought about Ishita with anyone else. He banged his fist at the table almost pushing it out of his way. Ruhi ke liye' this is what they had married for her hadn't they? They had chanted the same for months together, every time they came close to being more than parents. Not realizing that their marriage had ceased being only about Ruhi anymore. Their relation had grown. From hating each other to becoming each other's friends and anchors and finally companions...they had battled every testing time together. They had come close... building trust and a beautiful reality brick by brick. He knew, and he could admit that this marriage with Ishita, his feelings for her weren't dependent on his daughter. He loved her, undeniably and wholeheartedly. He wanted her for himself, wanted her to love him and want him back as much as he did. He wanted to be her Hero, be the one she turned to in need, the one whose shoulder she leaned on, whose presence she demanded. He wanted to be the one to share her happiness and lessen every reason of her pain. He wanted to be her everything. Only if he could just one chance to change everything, he would do everything he hadn't. He would be the man she deserved, lay the world at her feet...protect and love her like no one had.

"Tum hi toh ho mere sab kuch, Mere Hero. Apne Pati aur choti se bachi ko chod ke tumhare paas hi aa jaana chahiye"

Those damned words echoed in his head again, wading in like furious waves that washed away the castle he had been building on the shore.

He picked up the bottle of whiskey on the table and let it drain down his throat. Hoping it would wash away the disgust, hoping it would clear the mayhem he was stuck in. A part of him was angry and repulsed at his destiny, at himself and with Ishita. How could she lie to him? How could she go behind his back and choose someone else over him while they were still married? Another part of him had already given up, accepted his defeat. Love was selfless; love was letting the one go if they wanted to... if that meant they would be happier. And he knew he loved Ishita enough to let her go if that was what she wanted. He had held onto his past, his anger and hatred for Shagun and it had destroyed him. But then again, he had never loved her truly because if he had he wouldn't feel as lonely and as destroyed as he did now, when he barely as imagined Ishita walking away from his life.

His head throbbed, endless thoughts swarming his mind, his memories with Ishita flashing past; all that she had given him and all that he hadn't. He couldn't let her go, but he couldn't even bind her to him forcefully. Sobs shook him... Loud, heart wrenching and excruciatingly painful sobs.

His phone rang minutes later, for the millionth time. He had been ignoring calls not in the state to attend to anything that moment. But when he saw endless number of missed calls from his father, Bala and Mihir he answered the ring, fearing the worst.

Worse it was... His house, their house had caught fire. Everything was getting destroyed...His home, his marriage...his life.

*********

Raman leapt out of the car, staggering on his feet when he saw hungry flames consuming his abode. The growl of fire spread everywhere. He stood numb staring at the apartment as his home burnt to debris. The orange and red reflected in his black orbs making him aware of the gory reality...even in his fuzzy and drunken state.

"Bhai...Bhai.." he heard Mihir call out to him in panic. It was when Mihir shook him that he came back to reality. They ran towards where the family stood.. The loud clanking of the bells and ambulance made his heart lurch as he neared the barricades. He heard his mother wail hysterically about the loss of her home, the damage and the ruins; Amma whimper about losing the only ever inheritance they had earned. He could hear them volley one question after the other, waiting for him to console them and take matters into hand. But all he could do was stare at the ominous fire that was gulping down not just their homes, but years of dreams and memories created there. It was only when Amma queried," Ishita kaha hai?" that he broke out of his trance.

He looked around hastily to catch a glimpse of her, moved away from the gathered crowd to trace her. His hands impulsively clutched onto the broken bracelet in his pocket; the bracelet she had lovingly gifted and he had mercilessly broken. He plucked his phone out of the pocket and tried reaching her, but to no avail. Every unanswered call felt like a blow that sucked the breath out of him, rendering him lifeless. Where was Ishita? What if she had come home to escape the misery he had put her through and got trapped in the... NO. This couldn't have happened. She had to be safe. He would find her. He couldn't lose her.

With a new sense of determination and control he walked back to everyone. His voice devoid of emotion and face stoic he barked out orders, taking control," Take everyone to the company's service apartments Mihir. Then come back and get a tempo to load what's left of our belongings," he said distractedly..only thinking of where his Madrasan would be.

"Raman lekin Ishita? Ishita kahan hai? Hum uske bina kaise..." Amma cried holding onto the lapels of his coat..

"Aap fikr mat karo Amma. Mai Ishita ko lekar aaunga. Aap abhi Mihir ke saath jao..." Raman spoke, his voice choked and trembling which did little to reassure his mother in law.

"Par Puttar, woh agar yahin?"

"Ma!" Raman bellowed to interrupt his mother's words that reiterated his own fears.

"Maine kaha na... mai Ishita ko dhoond lunga. Usse kuch nahi hua hai, who bilkul theek hai...samjhe aap sab?" he roared, wanting to reassure himself too.

Then calmed down and pleaded," Please aap log sab log Mihir ke saath jaiye. Don't make me worry for all of you too," he urged, signaling Mihir and Bala to handle the rest.

After convincing and reassuring everyone repeatedly he sent them off. Left alone to search for his Madrasan, his life... that he feared he was about to lose.

"Kaha ho Ishita? Where the hell are you?" He cried.

**********

Ishita

Swerving the car through the empty roads Ishita drove aimlessly. Tears blurred her vision and trickled down her cheeks even as she firmly tried to wipe them away. Furious when they were unstoppable she skid the car to the side and rammed the break. Burying her face in her hands she cried, sobs raking her petite frame.

Raman's accusing eyes, abrasive words and stiff demeanor haunted her. She wanted to escape it, desperately wanting to hold onto one ray of hope that would assure that he still cared, that he still wanted her in his life.

She had been excited for tonight; eager to share his success with him, dreaming of a moment to wish him in her own special way. She had thrived to retain his position, not wanting his efforts to go waste because of anything. She had hidden and lied to him...teaming up with Mani so that she could stop anything that came in the way of Raman's happiness. But all her hopes had crashed miserably. He had left without her for the party, ignored her like the plague when she did appear there, snubbing her like she didn't exist. But she had taken it all, assuming he was angry or sour about the various issues the family was facing and hoping the confession she was going to make would melt his ire. But what he had done that night had left her dejected, ripped her heart and hurt her like nothing had ever before.

She hadn't expected him to thank or praise her, didn't ever expect him to do anything special or go out of his way to do something extraordinary. But she hadn't even expected him to praise his ex on her face, in company of the media and a million other people...making her feel worthless. It wrecked her to even think that she didn't mean anything to the man who had come to mean the world to her. Yes she loved him. She had fallen irrevocably for Raman Kumar Bhalla, who wasn't merely Ruhi's Papa anymore...he was her companion, her soul mate.

Who would have thought that the man she once detested and found unworthy of anyone's concerns would become the centre of her universe. She had thought the worst of him at first; taken him to be an arrogant, uncouth and heartless man who didn't care for anyone but himself. And the situation had only worsened when their wrong judgments had snowballed into huge misunderstandings, making her more determined of keeping a safe distance.

But she had failed at doing so...HE had made it difficult. As time had passed, situations rose and challenges came forth ...she had gradually seen a different man unravel in front of her eyes. It hadn't taken long for her to realize that the man she had hated but still married wasn't the one she was living with now.

Raman Kumar Bhalla was a mystery waiting to be resolved, an enigma she wanted to decode. The rude, harsh exterior was only a mask he donned to hide the vulnerable and defenseless man on the inside, who craved to trust, love and live again. He was a man of few words and if there was anything he struggled with most, it was verbalizing his feelings. What he spoke was almost never what he actually felt, and she had always strained to decipher what his words really meant. She laughed thinking, that if she had gone by his words...they would have never reached this place in their relation. They would still be two different individuals desperate to be healed but only webbed into a mess of their erroneous understanding of the other.

If there was something that had been a cue to his inner self, a window to his soul...it were his eyes. His eyes never lied to her. They told her exactly what he felt even as his mouth spouted everything that shouldn't be said. It were those pair of eyes which had assured her that the man she had married was worth the conflict she was going through as part of their marriage. It was them who also made her shade scarlet when they expressed that he desired her. It was them who convinced her that he trusted and valued her.

She shook her head remembering how bewildered he had been when his acidic words had lost their ability to hide his real self. He had been embarrassed on knowing that this woman he was trying so hard to stay distanced from had perceived what no one had been able to. As their trust had built gradually, and she had stayed determined, she had been relieved when he had let his walls break and the barriers between them had given away.

He wasn't anything like the prince charming any girl dreamt of, wasn't even close to the man she had thought she'd want to be with...but he was perfect for her.

After all what had the man she had loved before him given to her? Subbu was courteous, soft spoken, grounded and very alike to how she was. They shared a career, interests and traditional beliefs ...in fact they had grown up together. She had thought there was no one who knew him better than her. But she had been so wrong. She hadn't known him at all. The first sight of trouble, and he had escaped...breaking her delusion that the love they shared was enough to keep them together. Her value for him was only worth her womb, her ability to procreate and give him a child. He had gone, but he had taken away everything that she held pride in; her confidence, her belief in love and her dignity. He had made her feel incomplete, made her feel lesser as a woman.

But Raman whom she had expected nothing from had given her back everything she had begun to think she never deserved. She had begun seeing him in a different light... They became friends, or at least that is what they liked calling their blooming feelings for each other. But she knew now, that he wasn't just a friend. He had become her pillar, her biggest strength and support system...he had become her companion. He stood by her through every trial, supported her through every high and low. Her dignity wasn't just hers to keep, he had become her shield desisting anyone from hurting her and lest anyone did he fought hell and beyond to reclaim the respect she deserved.

What touched her most was that even though he rained jibes at her for her lectures and her beliefs even her clothes and appearance, he had accepted her as she was. He hadn't just accepted, she was confident he took delight in the same. He had never asked her to change, never demanded that she mold herself to become someone she wasn't. He mocked her for her profession but was ready to sacrifice his position so hers would be retained. He tagged her mockingly with a million names, taking a jibe at the way she dressed, but admired her wordlessly making her feel beautiful even when he never claimed it. Bought her dresses that fit her perfectly, proving he observed her, a pleasure in a relation she had never enjoyed before. He was the one who fought with her, made her cry and go crazy and he had been the one to wipe away her every tear, the one who had healed her and completed her. Subbu had left her because she couldn't be a mother ...Raman had made her a mother.

Ruhi had found in her the mother she yearned for and she had taken the little one to be her world. But it was Raman's acceptance of her as Ruhi's mother that had officially made her Ishima'. Even when he had hated her, stayed aloof and made it obvious that he didn't want or need her he had blindly entrusted his daughter's well being and life with her. He hadn't shown an ounce of mistrust he had on her as his wife when she was being a mother to his child. And by doing so, he had completed her, made her no lesser than any other woman.

His sarcasm, his stinging words and even his anger no longer annoyed her. She had seen through them all and discovered a new person and then fallen in love. He had given her so much without meaning to and she wanted to do the same for him.. She didn't want him to be happy because he was Ruhi's Papa. She wanted him to be secure, loved and cherished because he was her Raman.

For weeks now, she had been yearning to let him know of her feelings...but something kept coming in the way. Tonight had seemed the time she could finally bear her heart to him. She had dressed up for him, going an extra mile to make sure she looked like the wife Raman would be proud to flaunt. She had searched his eyes for an acknowledgment of the same. She knew he wouldn't directly praise her, but his eyes would express his appreciation silently. But his eyes that spoke for him, the one that had her believe he loved her in spite of all the uncertainties she had undergone... were clouded with a look that she couldn't recognize. She had learnt reading him through them, but what she saw in them tonight had ripped her apart. She saw hate and disgust...not something she had imagined she would see for herself.

She was unable to fathom what she had done to deserve his behavior tonight and the way he had been treating her over the last few days. Just a few days ago he had fasted a whole day for her, kept the Karwachauth because she couldn't keep it. A gesture that had finally proven how much he cared for her, that he had gone a day without food and water so as to pray for her well being and health. What had suddenly gone wrong between then and now for him to have hurt her like this, made a joke out her and disrespected her in a manner only he could. In a matter of few minutes all that she had been fantasizing and dreaming of had come crashing apart and she was left stranded and crippled. Back to being clueless about what she meant to a man she loved, dragged back to the fears she had fought post the end of her past relation.

She broke into tears again, leaning against the steering. NO. She wasn't going to let Raman disrespect her like this; she wasn't going to be a door mat he could walk on every time his inner demon rose. She wouldn't stay silent and be ill treated only because she loved him now.

She was broken out of her reverie when the phone lying somewhere in the car buzzed for the millionth time. She hastily wiped her tears and scurried to locate it. She was taken aback at the number of calls made to her by everyone, especially him. Her face hardened assuming it was because he now wanted to apologize and she shut her eyes in repulsion... she wasn't going to let this go lightly. Not this time. But as soon as she read one of the texts she had received her resolve gave away.

Fire broke out at home, we are rushing back. Where are you Akka? Raman Jiju is not around too? Is he with you? Reply ASAP.

Ishita gasped her head suddenly dizzy with worry. She checked the time. The message had been received two hours ago. Raman hadn't been present with the family. So where was Raman? Had he gone back home after she had left? The home that had now caught fire...Before she could make any calls her phone blacked out, dead by the outrage of calls made on it. Throwing it away in fury she sprinted back to life, clutching onto the steering as she drove frantically to find her Raman. This could not happen, she couldn't lose him.

**********

Raman drove down every familiar road around their house and Ishita's clinic like a maniac. Hoping to find her at the clinic, or at the park she often visited with Ruhi. The clinic had been shut and he hadn't been able to enquire if she had been there earlier. He hadn't even spared the coffee shop right opposite although the sane part of his mind knew she wouldn't be there after all that had culminated earlier. His mind was clouded with worry and flossy with all the alcohol he had consumed. As time passed, and he could catch no glimpse of her, his worries grew making him think the worst. He had contacted the family a number of times, disappointed to know that they had no trace of her yet either.

*********

The emotional and physical exhaustion of the day finally consumed her, and her legs gave away. She slid down near her car, wincing as pain took over. She had driven as hastily as she could to reach home. Her rashness had resulted into an accident on the way, bruising her forehead and arms that now bled. She had finally reached Mayur Vihar to witness an agonizing sight of fierce flames gulping down both her homes. She hadn't lost one tonight, she had lost two. She had tried searching for Raman, asked anyone who she could find where he was. But no one familiar was around. The police and firemen didn't recognize who she was talking about and only pushed her away from the now fiercely guarded area.

Drained and lost she had limped back to her car, but had no strength to go any further. She sat next to the bumper leaning her head to it, staring at the huge expanse of ruins in front of her; which was the state of her own life that moment.

She wanted to cry, but her tears had drained too. Her heart thudded in panic thinking about Raman and his whereabouts, worried to death about how he was. But she couldn't move a limb...she felt frozen and numb.

"Ishita!" she heard a familiar voice desperately calling out to her. The voice she could recognize from miles away, of the person she had been chasing and had feared losing tonight.

"Shit! What happened to you?" she heard his desperate cries, but couldn't respond. He slid down next to her, shaking her frame and making her hiss as his fingers touched her shoulder. Seeing her so unresponsive worried him and he she heard him cry," Ishita talk to me dammit! You almost killed me tonight. Mar jaata toh sukoon milta tumhe?" he bellowed, hugging her to himself in a hold so firm that she couldn't breathe. It was when she felt his lips raining kisses on her that she snapped out of her stupor realizing he was here...safe and sound..in her arms.

"Raman," she whimpered, clutching onto him as she broke down. She cried her heart out, out of relief that she had found him, out of misery and frustration. She felt like she had sat through a rollercoaster and then been thrown off it. She wanted nothing but to stay in his arms and cry. Cry till the pain receded.

"Sshhh,stop..please Ishita," she heard him plead. His one arm was around her; the other roving on her back to calm her. She looked up at him feeling his tears on her. Her hands caressed their trail on his cheeks, wiping them away. She chocked and coughed unable to speak, he rubbed her back to sooth her, but the feel of his palm on her partly bare back did exactly the opposite.

"I thought I lost you Raman.." she whispered near his throat, where her head lay. She felt him shudder beneath him," I am here Ishita, always. You can never lose me...not until you want to," she heard him say. Before she could reply a bout of cough took over again and she panicked when she felt him part," No!" she shouted," Don't."

"I am just going to get some water Ishita.. Aur tumhe bahut chot bhi lagi hai, we need to go the doctor right away," he exclaimed in worry. "Shit, you're bleeding," he worried making her get up on her feet, plucking his kerchief to wipe her blood.

"I am sorry," he mumbled in a broken voice when she seethed in pain. "Bahut dard ho raha hai?" he asked, the gentleness in his tone and concern in his ministrations reminding her of the acerbity over the last few hours. Her mind was a wreck of emotions, her body injured and her heart relieved but bruised. Unable to bear the extremities of emotions she felt her body slacken, her vision whirl and blackness take over as she collapsed in his arms.

"No, no,no..." His cry for her was the last thing she heard before darkness enveloped her.

Precap - Raman takes an injured Ishita home, tending to her wounds (physical and emotional) A much needed confrontation ensues, eventually leading Ishita tending to his.

NEXT PART

Originally posted by: kaa1202

Wow! It was an amazing write up..

The Downfall of our YHM started from there..

It was arguably the best track that could bring out the emotions of both the leads but CVs screwed it royally as usual...

Nice work Anju & Neets...

Originally posted by: kras

It is amazing work

U wrote their emotions so beautifully

Really CVS ruined this track completely

But thank u for writing this