Raman held an unconscious Ishita to himself as he entered their new abode...finding his way through the dark corridors leading to their room. Drained after an exhausting day and stoned after drinking away to glory, he struggled to balance. But his hold onto his wife got tighter, not wanting her to fall or hurt herself any more than she already was. He gently laid her down on the bed, diligently removing the ornaments she had adorned... which weren't any match to the natural beauty that radiated from her as she lay unaware next to him.
He gazed at her, drinking in the sight of her... relieved she was safe and with him. He had almost lost her today, and almost lost himself. When he hadn't been able to track her for hours together fearing that she had been trapped in the fire he had felt his life crumble, blood drain from his veins and his will to live evaporate. It had felt unfair that he could lose her when there was still so much unsaid between them. His every grouse, every bit of anger and resentment against her suddenly meant insignificant in comparison to living a life without her being a part of it.
When he had finally found her ...the unexplainable feeling of relief and helplessness for her safety that surged through him made him realize just how dependent he was on her for survival. It wasn't something he had accepted to himself, and clearly wasn't going to say it aloud...but he could no longer deny that Ishita had become the key to his existence...
He gently unpinned her hair that were tangled to make a tight bun. His hands moved amid the thick strands slightly brushing her scalp, feeling her cool skin against the tips of his fingers. He sighed as his hand stroked the gash on her forehead and remembered the doctor telling him that Ishita had a mild concussion and wondered what had caused it. Had she been worried on hearing about the fire and rushed to know of his safety like he had? Did the thought of him being in danger terrify her just as it had rattled him? Did he mean to her as much as she had begun to mean to him?
His racing mind came to a halt when he heard his mobile alarm beep. He frantically reached to read it and remembered the doctor telling him that Ishita would need to gain consciousness in an hour. The calm of the moment was replaced with dread again and he scooted closer to her.
"Wake up Ishita, wake up please," he mumbled clasping onto her hand tightly. The hour the doctor had mentioned had passed, and his Jhansi ki Rani lay still and unresponsive. Bringing her hands to his lips he chanted, Wake up' repeatedly. No amount of assurance that the doctor had given him when he had rushed a limp Ishita were enough to calm his now frenzied mind. He only knew that the doctor had said that her gaining consciousness earlier would imply a recovery and Ishita hadn't woken up. His sane mind had no standing opposite the feverish speed of his anxiety.
As minutes passed and Ishita's state remained unchanged, Raman grew helpless, scared and more than anything... livid all over again. Angry at himself for wasting precious months of their marriage by not spending them with her, by not letting her know what he felt when it had become so imperative to. Mad at his unfortunate and obstinate destiny that never let him have his own way, that had his life complicated for no fault of his, that made him into a man so harsh that he devoid himself of loving a woman that deserved it more than anyone he knew. And mostly enraged with the fierce, unrelenting and beautiful women that lay on the bed unaware of the turmoil her silence was raging within him.
Tears of desperation, anger and love brimmed his eyes, his head now throbbing. He looked up at Ishita wanting to scream his frustration, shake her unconscious and encase her in his arms forever. Express all those feelings he had been trying to articulate and word but failed every time. Agitated at his defenseless and vulnerable self he slumped next to her...his head aligned near her shoulders. He lay staring at her, his hand caressing her bare arms.
He struggled to keep his eyes open, the liquor inducing sleep...when he felt her shake beside him and he shot back up, relieved and aware.
"Ishita?... Ishita?" he shook her gently, caressing her hair fervently," Utho Ishita," he pleaded when he saw her eyes flutter. Raising her mildly bruised hands to his lips he kissed her unknowingly... constantly calling out to her when she finally opened her eyes.
Elated, a wide small broke out on his face and unmindful of his actions he hauled Ishita into his arms, her injuries and frail state forgotten amidst his happiness on seeing her conscious.
Ishita struggled to keep her eyes open, still fighting the delirium she had woken up from. Disoriented and confused she let Raman hug her to himself and felt him mumble Oh Thank God' against her hair, his strong arms enclosing her to himself in a way she had never been. Where was she? What had happened? She remembered nothing and even if she tried to, her good sense was compromised due to the proximity to her husband. It was the first time she had woken up in his arms, the first time she was this close to him and even in her state of unaware she knew she didn't want this moment to end. It was only when she felt him shudder that she was roused and her arms went around him weakly, to caress him in assurance," Raman," she whispered.
Moving her away finally, he cupped her face gently," Tum theek ho na Ishita? You're fine right?" he panicked, his voice trembling.
Unable to string words Ishita merely nodded, wanting to stroke his cheek like he was grazing hers. But before she could gather strength to move close or talk she was hit by his worried berating," What were you thinking Ishita? Kaha chali gayi thi tum akele? I was trying to call you and you weren't replying. Do you know how worried I was for you? Kahan kahan nahi dhunda, pata nahi kitne bure khayal aa rahe the mujhe?"
"Raman, relax...I a..am okay,"Ishita mumbled. She was weak, but felt overwhelmed with Raman's concern that he was expressing through his anger.
But the nonchalance did nothing to calm him down,"You're asking me to relax? Do you even know what I went through in the last few hours Ishita? I thought I had lost you. I thought I had lost a chance at a beautiful life with you. Tumne kabhi socha hai ki agar tumhe ho jaata toh mera kya hota?" he demanded angrily," Nahi. Tum kyun sochogi. Tum humesha wohi karti ho jo tumhe karna hota hai. Harr baat mai zid, har baat mai itni akad," he continued reprimanding her.
Ishita smiled, his words warming her heart...the ordeal of the night hadn't registered. Her smile only triggered him further" You really don't care about how I feel do you? After all mai hun hi kaun, sirf Ruhi ka Papa...kyunki ye shaadi aaj bhi sirf Ruhi ke liye hi toh hai right?" He vented unmindful of what he had said. All the turmoil he had undergone over the last few weeks, the hurt and burn of seeing Ishita and Mani together and the feeling of loss on not finding his wife poured out in the form of acidic remarks that finally shook Ishita out of her reverie making the day's events rush back to her. The rude snubs, the ignorance, the speech...and Shagun.
Her eyes welled as the rude reality her unconscious state had clouded... flashed in front of her. She gathered herself to appear strong and not expose her vulnerability to the man who had the audacity to accuse her after all that he had done that day.
She moved his arms from around her and distanced herself from him, trying to get out of the bed even as she staggered. He immediately stood up to pull her back to bed," What do you think you're doing?" he demanded.
"What do you think you're doing?" she gestured at his hands that were around her and pulled apart making it evident to him that she didn't want him touching her. Persistent and pretending to ignore her obvious snub he held onto her and pulled her back to the bed. But she struggled out of his hold and went over to the couch.
"Sleep on the bed Ishita, tumhari tabiyat theek nahi hai.." he said approaching her only to be shrugged again, "No it's okay...I am used to sleeping on the couch."
Raman sighed, frustrated at her rigidity," I know you're used to it. But that doesn't mean you have to continue sleeping there when there's a bed big enough to accommodate us. Aisa toh nahi hai ki tum kabhi waha soyi hi nahi...Jab Ruhi.."
"Exactly," she promptly cut in," Ruhi ke liye... Sirf Ruhi ke liye. Abhi yaad dilaya na aapne," she reminded him.
"For God's sake Ishita," he grunted," Don't make me force you in a way you won't like it," he warned, pulling her by her elbow to the bed.
"Leave me," Ishita raised her voice, frustrated with Raman's behaviour that oscillated between gentle and acrid at his own convenience. "Mujh pe itna hak jatane ka hak nahi hai aapko Raman," she stated firmly.
"You're my wife dammit," he hollered, gripping her to himself only to be pushed away rudely," Wife? You mean Nanny," she shot back mockingly.
"Ishita..." he yelled in offence.
"Stop yelling Raman, because that isn't going to change anything. The truth is that I am nothing but your daughter's nanny for you. Biwi nahi hun mai aapki. Aapki sirf ek hi biwi thi, aur aaj bhi shayad usse hi biwi maante ho...Shagun?" She exclaimed pointedly and sat down, too frail to stand and even more to argue with Raman about his ex-wife.
"How dare you? How dare you associate me with that woman?" He menacingly hollered, now seething in anger
"How dare I associate you?" she exclaimed," When did you ever stop associating your life with hers for me to do that Mr Bhalla? Woh aapki zindagi se kabhi gayi hi kaha. Kisi na kisi tarah se aap usse apne kareeb rakh hi lete hai. Whether it's about getting into constant ego battles with her or accusing her...No no sorry, not accusing... praising her in front of the world for doing what she did to you. Aapke gusse mai, aapki arrogance mai, aapki success mai...harr jagah sirf Shagun hi toh hai. The fact is that you haven't moved on Raman. So let's not pretend that I am the one considering this relation as a compromise. Because clearly... it isn't me who never leaves a chance to rub my past on your face," she jibed, getting out of Raman's way to flee the room only to be jerked back.
He held her shoulders solidly, his fierce demeanor and pained eyes paralyzing her," Compromise? Are we still saying that? Kya ab bhi ye shaadi, humara rishta sab sirf ek compromise hai?" His meek voice contradicted his strong hold on her.
"Tell me," he demanded, ignoring her caustic words about his past... holding onto the mention of compromise'.
"Look into my eyes and tell me Ishita...Ishita," he bellowed this time and tugged tightly at her shoulders in his grip," Didn't you hear it the first time I said it? Ye rishta, hum dono...if there's anything between us it's only because of Ruhi. You know why? Because if not for her, I wouldn't want to be associated with you," she blurted carelessly in a fit of rage after being cornered rudely.
Scoffing at her words he finally left her, uncaring that she stumbled after losing his support," But you didn't seem to have an issue till some weeks ago. You were overwhelmed with happiness on having your name associated with mine and printed outside our doorstep. Toh ab achanak kya ho gaya hmm?" He turned back to face her, ridicule lacing his tone," Maybe it's something to do with arrival of your long lost friend' Mani?" He mocked...smiling sardonically at her.
Ishita's brows twisted in confusion," Mani? Iss sab mai Mani kaha se aa gaya? Why do you keep bringing him between us?"
"I keep bringing him between us? If you haven't noticed Ishita, it's you who have gotten Mani in our lives...it's you who has gotten him between us," he exclaimed, wasting no time in pointing the obvious that she still seemed ignorant about.
He wasn't going to mince words anymore. After remembering the extent of his own actions today he had realized that he was reaching the point of devastation he had resurrected himself from. He was falling in love and there was every possibility that he was going to be deceived all over again. But this time he wouldn't allow it.
"Just because you can't justify your actions, don't drag Mani into this Raman. He's a good friend who has been nothing but genuinely kind and helpful," she insisted, not understanding why Raman was perpetually irked by Mani.
"Yes of course," Raman jeered," A friend who actively meddles into our life, belittles your husband in front of you, our families and tries to interfere in my life by being this knight in shining armor to make a spectacle of how big a failure Raman Bhalla is. Very kind and helpful indeed!"
"Raman what are you even talking about? Mani bahut saalo baad waapis aaya hai, he's only been concerned and willing to help me when I need. Don't friends do that for each other? Doesn't Mihir do that for you? Why is it a problem if Mani does the same for me?" She counterclaimed, taken aback at Raman's perception of her friend.
"Don't you dare compare Mani to Mihir?"
"Why? Just because I am a woman and Mani is a male friend?" She argued.
"No. Because Mihir doesn't come barging into our lives questioning you about how good a wife you are to me. Tell me Ishita, does he?" Raman contested, letting out all that he had been suppressing.
Ishita looked back in befuddlement on hearing his words. Had Mani questioned Raman about their married life? Accused him of being a bad husband? Shaken at the revelation and now more understanding towards Raman's anger, she softened, "Raman...I am sorry...par mujhe nahi pata tha Mani ne aap se ye sab kaha. He shouldn't have..." she tried apologizing, feeling annoyance at Mani to have interfered when she had given him no right to.
"Oh but he did. And you know what... I don't blame him. It's not his fault that you gave him those rights to speak in our life. He wouldn't have dared question me let alone accuse me had you not shared deep dark secrets regarding your horrible husband," Raman retorted heatedly.
"Raman aisa kuch nahi hai. Believe me maine Mani se aisa kuch nahi kaha. I have never told him anything about you, at least never negatively."
"Really? Agar tumne kuch nahi kaha toh usse itna yakeen kyun hai ki tum iss shaadi mai khush nahi ho? How would he have known this until his good friend told him so?"
"Raman why would I tell him something that's not true? Mai usse aisa kyun kahungi ki mai iss shaadi mai khush nahi hun? Jab ki mai khush hun." Ishita stated unknowingly yet confidently, wanting Raman to believe she hadn't led Mani to form a negative opinion about their relation, wanting him to know that their relation mattered to her.
"Really? Par abhi toh tumne kaha na that if it wasn't Ruhi, you wouldn't even want to be associated to me? Aur ab keh rahi ho ki tum iss shaadi se khush ho. Uss shaadi se khush ho jisse tumne bas ek minute pehle compromise ka naam diya tha," Raman grilled her.
Ishita sighed feeling weak and defeated. She was mentally and physically drained. Her mind was in a chaos, her feelings a mess and Raman's questions and accusations were frisking with her already uncertain mind pushing her to the point of a meltdown. She was at the brink of spewing her heart to him but after the way he had behaved today she was no longer sure if anything she said would make a difference. And she wasn't prepared to have him violate her emotions anymore. She moved away from him and walked out to the balcony for need of some space.
But Raman wasn't willing to let go, the dam that had been obstructed this far had overflown," You seem to be confused Dr Ishita. For someone who is so affluent with opinions, whatever you say today is contradicting yourself. What's wrong with you?" Raman said provocatively and stood next to her, leaning onto the rail.
Looking at him with contempt she began walking back inside when he held her back," There's no running away today Ishita. You have to tell me."
"Leave me Raman, please..." she requested feebly, slightly pushing against his arm that held her.
"No!" he refused.
"Please," she shut her eyes, losing the battle against herself.
"No," he repeated firmly and pulled her in his arms, wanting to embrace her, kiss the tears streaming down her cheeks.
Pushed beyond limits and disconcerted by his touch she broke off, "You want to what's wrong with me?" she opened her eyes to look at him," You are... Do you even know how difficult a person you are? You are a mystery I am trying to solve every day Raman," she cried despairingly.
"One minute you are this arrogant, venom spewing, crude and sulking man who has no sense of respect for anyone, someone who leaves no chance in reminding me that I and this relation are just a burden he has to carry. Who doesn't spare a moment when he isn't taunting or fighting with me, whose ego gets bruised at the slightest of effort and then another moment you're the only one willing to stand up for me, give up on everything that's important to you just for the sake of what matters to me without batting your eyes. One moment you're willing to fight the world for my sake and the next you're the one who publically humiliates me by acknowledging your cheating first wife rather than me," her voice broke as she was reminded of the ghastly evening, almost on the verge of sobbing," One day you tell me how second chances at love are a waste of time and today you bravely declare that you can't survive without me? I want to believe you when you say that, and hold onto it...but you make it so difficult Raman. I don't want to wake up the next day to be told that your words were said as a joke, I wouldn't be able to take it. So please ..." She receded from him and ran back inside.
Raman stood rooted and speechless as a gush of warmth took over him on hearing her. His uncertainties regarding their relation, doubts on her actions and his inner battle seemed to have misplaced their hold on him, replaced with a new surge of hope. Her outburst expressed what he hadn't gauged, probably even when she might have made it obvious because he was too involved in feeding his insecurities more than trying to relinquish their hold on him. Her half broken confessions through this outpour made it seem that she wanted a second chance as much as he did. She was ready to take this marriage beyond the compromise they had thought it was. But it was his confusing demeanor that had frightened her. Her words though complains had been enough in expressing her frustration about being in a relation that was for others and not each other.
What he had seen and what he had undergone was still unattended. He wanted it all to be a lie, he wanted it to be a misjudgment he usually kept making because he was crazy enough to not think it through or talk. How would he know better if they didn't speak, how would she know better if he didn't express. He wanted her to know that he was as confused as she was. He feared the worst, struggled to trust and felt caged within himself. But he didn't have to be alone and neither did she. They could walk this path together, helping each other heal, love and live again.
He walked into the room to find her sitting at the edge of the bed, shoulders hunched and shaking...looking spent and drained. Picking up a clip from the dresser and some water and a cloth he slid next to her on the bed. She stiffened feeling him next to her, awaiting a confrontation or a verbal slashing from him...and wanted to make a dash to the door to escape. But something withheld her. She was sure it wasn't Raman physically restraining her, but it was still him making it difficult to walk away.
She felt him gather her scattered hair to clip them, but they kept falling apart and she kept hearing him grumble making her smile in spite of herself. She remembered when she'd had a fracture and he had tried helping, only to make it worse. How impatient he was, and how complicated. She was surprised when he finished knotting them neatly enough this time and was now tucking her lose strands away from her face. She managed to pull back and ease away from him, from the gentle masculine fingers that were creating havoc as they touched past her skin.
"Hold on Ishita." he stopped her. Dipping the soft towel in the mildly warm water, he began dabbing it lightly on her face.
Shivering from the contact she backed off a bit more," Raman kya...aap ye kya kar ra...Look please leave me alone," she uttered incoherently.
"I will. But you're dirty, sweaty and bruised...also very frail to manage yourself. This will make you feel better," he explained, "So may I?"
She scoffed mildly," Jaise ki mai na kahungi toh aap maan jayenge, haina?"
"Nahi manunga, because nothing is more important to me than your safety, not our arguments, not our issues and especially neither of our damaged egos...specifically mine," he added with a smile, easing the atmosphere.
Understanding that she wasn't reluctant anymore he dipped the towel wet again to wipe the dirt from her face, trailing the contours of her face with ease and tenderness that overwhelmed her. The affection in his caresses cascading through her veins.
Done with cleaning her face, he moved onto wipe her bare arms. She shuddered at the touch and sighed," Raman please..."
Ignoring her meek protests he continued his ministrations...too absorbed into the moment to realize that his innocent touches were more intimate than he intended. Feeling his fingers graze her skin she looked up at him...his eyes were above hers. His brown-hazel irises glimmering with a look she didn't recognize, that was mystifying but scary.
His head was bent low, his breath fanning her cheeks as he continued wiping her arms, less with the cloth and more his bare palms. The warmth of the water did nothing to ease the chill she felt at their proximity.
Lost in the trance, his hands travelled to her shoulders that heaved beneath his hold. He caught the side of her perfectly sculpted cheek bones and brushed against them.
"This is difficult for me too Ishita. I am confused, I am in a mess, and I am scared all the time," Raman whispered, his voice faint but steady," I am scared to forget my past, scared to embrace my present, scared to talk, scared to breath, scared to love, scared to be with you and scared to lose you. I gave everything I had in me when I first thought I fell in love, if I gave more of me only for everything to fall apart all over again, I won't survive...not this time Ishita. So this isn't just hard on you, this is hard on me too," he confessed, with more gentleness she had ever heard from him.
She knew this man, knew how hard it was for him to talk, much less confess his deepest darkest fears without flinching...And he still had...for her?
She tried arraying her scrambled thoughts, but failed...Her breath stuck in her throat as she felt him grasp the back of her neck. Without a warning she felt his lips peck her forehead, her temple, her nose, her marooned cheeks... His hands wandered carelessly, sliding around her...feeling her exposed waist.
Ishita trembled... with pleasure and terror. She had never been touched like this, never been fondled and aroused this far. Every caress, every touch, his every gaze felt foreign, unknown and bewildering. It was all she wanted... all she ever desired and still the only thing that petrified her to annihilation. She had yearned for someone to desire her, someone to want her for who she was and not for who she could be. She had ached to be loved, to be told that she was beautiful, or to be admired even if she wasn't. And now in the first cherished moment with her husband she felt all that she had only ever envisaged as part of a fantasy but never expected to turn true...never for herself.
She felt him raining kisses, one beginning before another had even finished. His hands roamed around her, evoking exquisite sensations...his every touch as if a new promise.
"Ishita."
"Hmm?" she faintly uttered.
"Tumhe mujh pe bharosa hai? Khud pe bharosa hai?" he implored.
She was in a trance, in a world of unknown ecstasy...unable to gather her senses. She nodded silently, relaxing into his arms.
"Toh ek mauka do Ishita, mujhe, hume...Hume aise tanha aur adhoora rehne ki kya zaroorat hai?" he beseeched, his voice laden with anguish.
He rested his head on hers, his arms locked behind her back. Unarmed and raptured Ishita stayed silent," Ye shaadi mere liye koi samjhauta nahi hai Ishita. Hum dono Sirf Ruhi ke liye' nahi hai," he claimed without the slightest of hesitation.
If there was haven, it was in his arms, in the words he had just uttered... in the promises he was making. And every cell in her body was compelling her to accept it. Everything around her was a blur, her world fading into nihility.
It was when she felt his lips on her that the world around her came back into existence. His mouth had encased hers, without her consent or a warning...so insistent and profound that her protests died down.
She had been kissed before, long ago by a man she had loved and dreamt of a life with. That man too had made promises, of a new life of new beginnings, and of unending togetherness. But had been the first one to flee at the first sight of trouble, leaving her stranded and rejected.
Rejection. The word echoed and the nightmares it bought too fresh in her mind flashed past as if on replay. What if Raman, who was inebriated at that moment woke up to tell her that all this was a lie, a weak moment he had succumbed to? What if he told her that he was obligated to be more of a husband because he couldn't hold back his own wants? What if she didn't please him? What if she wasn't the woman he would desire, or anyone could desire? She was nothing like the woman he had loved for the past few years of his life, the proof of which were his two kids that he could lay his life down for.
Kids, the word resounded. She couldn't even give him those. What if he soon realized how big a mistake this was just like everyone else had? At least now she had hopes that help her survive, Ruhi that gave her all she had ever wanted. If they ever had to part she would be left with nothing. Just like Raman, she was scared too. Scared to move on, scared to embrace what had always been a distant dream only to be replaced by emptiness again. It would destroy her.
It wasn't too far long when Raman had slighted her in front of their families, the society and the who's who of the city. Giving his first wife a pedestal she had never earned. It hadn't taken a minute for him to prioritize his hate for her over the blooming relation she had thought theirs was. She could reassure herself that Shagun's rejection had been his life's driving force. But she would be fooling herself if she did so, because even anger was a form of love.
The fears that were deeply engraved in her mind resurfaced, every promise that had felt like haven now felt nothing but an ode of impending destruction. She was rudely pushed out of the reverie she was reveling in. Raman took his mouth from hers, wandering down the curve of her neck...his hands almost peeling her pallu away. She was taken over by a dreadful urge to surrender only to be jolted by something within her and she gasped and struggled to move away," No."
"Ishita please," he pleaded, still leaning into kiss her. But the overpowering reality of their differences, and the complexity of their nuptial had shattered Ishita. She pushed him aggressively, hitting her tiny fists on his chest to shove him away from her.
But he refused to let go, thinking of her protests as her fears she wished for him to placate, he bridged the distance she had created. He towered above her, wanting to feel the taste of her lips on his again only to be shoved away," How dare you Raman? How dare you touch me? Move away," she screamed," Koi hak nahi hai aapko mera istimal karne ka. Koi hak nahi hai...samjhe aap?" she slighted him on purpose.
She freed herself from his hold and dashed to the door, wanting to be as far away from him as she could, desperate to be back in time when she was only an obligation and not someone who could be rejected after being promised acceptance. But the Gods were against her will, her fate unrelenting.
Raman marched behind her...slamming the door with a thud and pinned her against it roughly. She winced at the pain that shot through her back as it hit the sharp surface, clenching her eyes shut.
"Enough," he barked with anger. She had seen him angry a million times before, but never as fiercely as this.
"I've had enough of being shoved around by you Mrs. Ishita Bhalla. Tumhari himmat kaisi hui mujh par itna ganda ilzam lagane ki. How dare you accuse me of forcing myself on you?"
She attempted to push against his chest that was inches away from her, only to be clasped more fiercely than before," Raman please... please mujhe jaane do. Mujhe iss waqt koi baat nahi karni...please," she begged as sobs racked her.
"Sab kuch tumhari marzi se nahi hoga Ishita. Jab tumne chaha mujh par ilzaam laga liya, jab chaha toh mujhe koi moral gyaan de diya. Jab mann kiya toh dil ki baat keh di aur jab mann uth gaya toh uss baat se inkaar kar diya?" He demanded. "You don't get to play with my emotions like this, and you sure as hell don't get to brand me as some sort of an abuser. Kya maine tumhe tumhari marzi ki bina chua?" He questioned," TELL ME," he roared.
She shook her head in refusal, guilty of making him feel dirty, of accusing a man who had never touched her in the 9 months of their marriage, never to taint her dignity...with something so spiteful," I am so... sorry," she whimpered, unable to face him.
"You better be," he grunted," Aur ye hak ki baat kahaan se aayi. Kab se hak ki baat kar rahi ho? Bhool gayi kya, ki mera tum par kya hak hai? Haan?" he probed.
" Bhool gayi ho toh yaad dila raha hun. Tum meri biwi ho, MY WIFE," he said slowly, emphasizing on each word. "Poore rasmo aur riwazon ke saath shaadi ki hai maine tumhare saath, aur USS hak se mera tum par poora hak hai Ishita. I have every right on you."
Her words a few minutes ago had invoked a strange sense of faith in him, and it had taken a lot of him to leave behind all his dilemma to bridge the gap between them. He hadn't intended to cross a line, only wanting to ease her discomfort. But touching her had ignited his tamped desires, setting them ablaze and out of control. When she hadn't stopped and much later reciprocated to him, he had taken it as her approval to his urge for a new start. And then suddenly he had been shoved away, accused of surpassing his limits and claimed of having no rights. Her actions had reminded her of everything he had chosen to forget in the light of making amends... Her lies, her secret meetings with her friend', the change of name on phone and all the clandestine happenings related to Mani that had him worried since the time he had walked into their lives.
When she had harshly deprived him of his rights on her, the dread of losing her had strangled him, making his heart thump erratically. The thought of being rejected for Mani, of that apparent friend being the reason she no longer wanted to pursue her relation with him had blinded him and had made him want to claim what was his, brand her by his name, their marriage and anything he could.
The mad surge to do so made him corner her, his right hand cupping her face from her chin above, and his left arm around her, fiddling with the hook of her bodice. Her eyes shot open at his words, terrified at how he was staring at her...with simmering madness and obsession. Furious tremors shook her, and for the first time in the last few months of knowing Raman she felt like the man in front of her wasn't the man she married at all. She wanted to scream, wanted to protest...but she felt numb and defeated.
With all the will she could draw, the cry that left her didn't even sound like herself. She shut her eyes, giving up on a fight, giving up on protesting, anticipating the worst. Her breath grew shallow and heat rose in her cheeks, tears streaming down uncontrollably. And when she was expecting all hell to break lose she felt Raman's hold on her slacken and felt him move away.
She didn't open her eyes, didn't dare move. Her legs gave away and she continued to lean at the door, wary of moving, of even breathing.
It was only when she heard an earsplitting crash that she opened them in horror to see Raman break a vase and then the bowl of water lying on the coffee table. She would have stood rooted or would have easily fled since she had a good chance to, but the blood dripping from his hands caught her attention and even in spite of the disgust and anger she felt for him tonight she couldn't leave him bloodied, injured and alone.
She slowly approached him, stopping to rummage through their littered luggage to find a first aid kit.
Reaching him she pulled him by his arm to the couch and made him sit next to her."Haath do Raman, bahut khoon beh raha hai."Aloof and uncaring of his pain he sat unresponsive.
She held his hand in hers, expecting him to fight her. But surprisingly he let her have her way as she wiped his blood. Her face crunched with pain for him when he winced and she bend down to blow a whiff of cool air to sooth him.
Silence cloaked them enough for her to hear his thudding heart and heavy breath, to realize that he was trembling. But she kept her attention glued to his injuries, now wrapping it with a gauze. It was only when she felt two cool droplets touch her knuckles that she looked up at him.
She gasped at the sight of him, his eyes were swollen and bloodshot, tears blinding them...laden with anguish, pain and emptiness. His shoulders were bent in defeat, burdened and ashamed. She let go of his bandaged hand and raised her palm to wipe his tears.
He faced away, not allowing her to," Go away Ishita, run away from me," he finally uttered, "Go away..." he chanted.
"Raman," she exhaled, trying to make him face her," Look at me...please..." she whispered.
"Look at you? After all that I just did?" He questioned indignantly. "If I look at you now, I will want to explain myself, I will apologize profusely and emphasize a million times that I am not the monster I made myself seem like. I will want to make you believe that I can make things better, fix the mess I am in and be a better man for you," he rambled. "But I won't do that..." he said, finally looking up at her with a strange indifference and she stared at him mutely, lost and confused.
"You know why?" he paused for a few seconds, as if fighting with himself," Because you deserve better Ishita. Tumhe mujhse, iss shaadi se, humare rishte se aaj tak sirf dukh mila hai," he wearily mumbled. "I don't deserve a woman like you. A woman who agreed to marriage with a man she hated only to give his daughter the love he never could, who embraced his loud, messy and ingenuous family... taking on their troubles as if they were hers, putting herself amidst one danger after another without flinching. I don't deserve a woman who bore the burden of my meaningless anger, arrogance, my past and never complained. I don't deserve you Ishita..." he repeated leaving her stunned.
"I knew this, I realized it, but I chose to be dominant and obsessive...wanting to mark you as mine in any way I could," he trembled again, gritting his teeth," Ye maine kaise kar diya? How could I?" he cried self loathingly.
"If there were any more reasons I needed to assert this fact, I finally have them. Shagun theek hi kehti hai...problem mujh mai hi hai ki koi mere saath nahi rehna chahta. Mani bhi sahi kehta hai...mai ek acha pati nahi hun...aur shayad kabhi bann bhi nai sakta... This shouldn't have taken so long to register with me," he scoffed," This is the second time after all."
"Aur tum bhi sahi kehti ho... Tumhe mujhe chod kar chale jaana chahiye...you should go be with Mani. He's a better man in every way, definitely man enough to understand, respect and protect you... be the hero you deserve to have. He makes you smile, makes you laugh, and lets you be yourself," he lamented at his own inability to do so.
Ashen faced and bewildered on hearing him she rummaged through her chaotic mind to remember the instance she had uttered those words. She and Mani had been reveling in their success of assuring Raman's position as the Asian head, of resolving part of the issues that embroiled his life. They were simply being impish... he his campy self and she had only played along. She had never meant any of those words, she could never. But she wasn't nave or mindless enough to underestimate how Raman would have perceived it. If it had been her, and she had witnessed Raman similarly she would have thought the worst too. It didn't make things better for him, when what he had faced was a mirror to the very past he was still afflicted with.
"I would have never realized what I was putting you through had Mani not come into our lives. I would have probably continued to believe you would never leave me because of Ruhi and taken undue advantage," he said with ridicule.
Then strengthening himself, he turned to her...meaning business," But you don't worry. Ruhi will be with you...you can have her custody," he said with a tremble in his voice," Waise bhi, mujhse zyaada khush woh tumhare saath rahegi. She'll grow up to be a better person away from me. Mai chahe apne bachon se jitna bhi pyar karun...I am the sole reason their life has been in ruins from the moment they gained senses..."
Ishita heard him ramble senselessly, her heart painfully lurching at how lifeless he sounded and mortified that he was serious and not a bit delirious.
He stood up and walked to the window... turning away from her, "I just wish that I had gained your trust enough for you to tell me the truth Ishita. I wouldn't have held it against you...Aise jhoot bolne ki, phone par Mani ka naam Manisha rakhne ki aur chup kar milne ki zaroorat hi nahi hoti. I wouldn't have blamed you for choosing a man like him over me, I wouldn't have felt any disrespect or shame. I would have respected you more for making a brave choice and being honest about it...At least I wouldn't have felt like such a failure... Acha pita nahi ban saka, acha pati nahi ban saka...but I did believe I was a good friend to you, I was your Rama..." he laughed at the happy memory, making her smile through her tears.
"But it's not even your fault. Kaise kuch kehti tum mujhse. I never hear you out without firing the choicest of acidic words I can think of. Gussa karna toh saans lene ki barabar hai mere liye. I have never allowed us to have a decent conversation, never made you feel important or respected. I haven't given you anything concrete enough to make you believe that you could trust yourself with me. Isliye toh mere hote hue tumhe apni saari problems ke liye Mani ke paas jaana padta hai. Chahe woh iss ghar ke gas cylinder ke liye ho ya phir der raat mujhe nashe ki haalat mai sadak se utha kar ghar lane ke liye," he whispered hoarsely.
His words hit her with a force that felt like her heart had been ripped off her body. The past few weeks blazed through her mind, reminding her of her every word and actions that could have been misconstrued by Raman. It should have hurt her to be trusted so less and misjudged so poorly. But for a possessive, vulnerable and complicated man like Raman, it wouldn't have been anything but a nightmare that was reoccurring and painfully rehashing his freshly healed wounds.
Her playfully slighting him, comparing him and his emotional inabilities to Mani's over expressive self, approaching her friend for everything she could have instead reached Raman for...the lies, the secret conversation and meetings...had snowballed into a huge misunderstanding.
Part of her felt insulted and hurt beyond words at the lack of his trust. Had she not earned even an ounce of faith in so many months of their marriage? How could he even think she could stoop so low?
But a better part of her couldn't believe how ignorant and dense she had been to her husband's needs and emotions. She had lead him to believe that he didn't know her...that he wasn't wanted and could be replaced in her life. She had seen him behave uncharacteristically for days together, but hadn't understood his efforts to prove himself good enough for her...instead rebuked it all. He hadn't stopped her or questioned her friendship with Mani, but she hadn't left a chance to brandish it to him. However understanding a husband was, which man would take any of this in any other way than it seemed.
Raman out of all the people never would. A man rejected and cheated before, wary of trusting, unsure of how to love or being loved had faced the deepest and darkest moments of his past all over again. Suddenly all that had been sincere efforts to secure him, felt insignificant in comparison to the damage it had done to his feelings.
She knew she loved him, she had known it for a while. She loved him for all that he was and also for all that he wasn't. She was convinced she understood him, the love and care behind his anger, the affection behind his sarcasm, the unsaid words when he was silent. Then how had she turned a blind eye to everything that had been more than obvious. The tear soaked pillow, a stoned drunk Raman lashing out on her and Mani in the middle of the road, his days of absence and hiding from her and the family. How had she overlooked and downplayed it all?
She had been through what he had. She had been left heartbroken too, but marriage to him had altered that. She had become a mother, filling the void in her life that would have always haunted her. Unexpectedly her opinions about him had changed and the soft hearted, sensitive Raman Kumar had won over her heart. But he was still fighting his demons, and the only way she could help him win this battle was to tell him she loved him, that he was deserving of everything he deprived himself from, that he meant to her more than he could ever imagine.
She wasn't going to be a doormat that he could insult and accuse, not of adultery at the least. He had every right to be uncertain, but he had no right to compare her to a woman who had selfishly abandoned a marriage, her child and family...something he should have been sure she could never do. But if he felt he had failed in being a better companion to her, she had failed too. If she accused him for being callous and insensitive, she had been too.
Two individuals, apparently poles apart, impaired and scarred by the people they had loved with all their heart had been given a second chance to mend the broken pieces of their life and start afresh. If she didn't make the first move today, she would lose him...lose her life and existence... and so would he. They had both wronged each other, and had been responsible in dishonoring their relation.
She was more than assured that he loved her, just as much she loved him. He was merely scared and unsure as was she. She would have to give him the security he needed, so he accepted that he was a man worthy of having a family, a marriage and love. This was her only chance to redeem, and she wasn't letting it go.
PRECAP = Ishita and Raman will have a conversation of their lifetime. Raman's had his share of talking, Ishita will have her feelings to express. The three C's coming up... communication, confession and consummation đł
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