Draupadi in Arjun's eyes: My Kalyani, My panchali

Me, Partha Dhananjaya Arjuna, had seen many people, many characters in my whole life...Be it Duryodhan, or karna, or my madhav. But the most unique, the most unique was Krishnaa...MY Krishnaa...My whole life was life a cycle of forests and royals... forests and royal, forests and royal, forests and royals... This was my life. And maybe that was only to gain something which couldn't be gained only by seating... Be it my astras, or lessons of life... But the most precious thing in my whole life which I gained was her... only her... through her i learnt lessons, for her I gained everything; everything in my life was an arghya to her... Only for her...

Draupadi...i don't know about the world, for me, Draupadi is my soul, the only existing pillar of my life after Madhav. These two persons were my cause to live, my heart to beat. When one fell, the other, the other pillar also crumbled. And me, I became mere crumbled building dusted after falling. Without her, I am nothing; my soul is not that even dust which a mortal can see...not even paramanu... She is the stem of flower; the Pandavs. I am not that great to tell about her greatness and love; my words can't describe her pain; her struggle...ONLY HERS. None shared, none valued, none bothered. Her born path was fire, agni. And till date she had to walk on agni rekha. Once she said to me, she don't feel the pain of burning in fire; but didn't she burned and screamed in fire everyday? I know some says me the cause of her pains; But some, her luck... Wasn't her luck for the whole Aryavrat? I don't know if my love can soothe her. Maybe it could, but I never dared to try it. Because I know, she'll believe me more and more... And I didn't have that power to keep her belief... She had zeal of free bird, but without any wings. Sometimes i feel, if I had shared even one ounce of her pain, and acknowledged my love for her, she would've flooded me with her nectar like love. Love; love was a forbidden emotion for her. Maybe for me also;for her only. I couldn't love her; no, I loved her, as much as vast universe; as deep as ocean. But can a mere mortal see the vast universe in it's small view? Can it measure the ocean's depth only by seeing it's water?No. it can't. Love is like a river without dam. It can't be stopped. When there is no dam, how could you think of stopping it's flow? HOW? Why I couldn't show her my love? For what reason she suffered? Doing lifelong stuggle, was it her gift to suffer in hell? For what reason she went there? For love? For loving me? Can one being love everyone equally? We can only show it, maybe have also; but can we measure love? Love is pure; her love was pure; as pure as nectar. And it's place is only in heaven. Then why she was punished? Maybe Lord Brahma, to punish me, had placed Kalyani to hell. Believe me or not, I couldn't feel the pain of hell; after all whole life was like a hell; that hell was definitely not more painful than my life, but my pain started, when I heard that heart wrenching scream, what i heard two times, one in that dreadful chausar, when she was dragged, and when my all sons' died. Nothing could be more painful for me that her pain. I prayed to mahadev, Hey, Mahdev, give me, all her pain, she suffered a lot, let not make her more suffered, Leave her, spare her; because it's unbearable for your ansh...

I actually could smell the hell after Kalyani's demise, our Kalyani, MY Kalyani. When she fell, I thought now my broken life is crumbling; crumbling like a bread. The one who had held us; herself fell down; made us fall in whole life... She left me; left me keeping indebted to her lifelong support... My bhrata said i fell because of my ego, no, I know why I fell... I fell because I never could do justice to my Krishnaa... My Dharma made me indebted...I was indebted by her love... I could never repay it...

That walk was not looking like tough, because we all suffered much more than that, WE BOTH suffered much more than that. Those years after war was looking like tasteless bitter poison to us. We had no one; no one in front and no one in back. Our parents abandoned us, Our children left us... And Draupadi, Draupadi had to walk alone in her whole life. It is said right, we have come alone, stayed alone, and we will go alone. Draupadi had now no beauty, no zeal; everything faded away from us. The gems of aryavrat are used now; now they have no brightness.

That scornful Kurukshetra; only was result of each of us Karma. Some got punishment, some got salvation, and some, some got stuck in chakravyuh of world. And we were that unlucky group. We were like alive corpse.. huh.. isn't it funny to all? We had no emotions; our grief had taken them all. We had no diwali, no holi, no light, no color in our life. I only looked at that woman, who suffered in her whole life, now what was left to suffer for her? How much? Abhimanyu left us... Draupadi looked like a walking corpse. She loved him very dearly; maybe more than her sons. Why, I don't know. Maybe he was Chandransh, that's why? Or maybe he was MY son? I always asked, why, Krishnaa, why? Why do you love me so much! I didn't fell sad or angry; i felt guilty; that i again gave her pain; only pain. No consolation was enough for her now. She had flew so much tears, that nothing was left to flow...

Kurukshetra had been ready. We all were ready with new spirit; new determination. Our yard flourished with our children. Of all the stuggles, some moment of happiness was there. As it is said, there is sadness after happiness, and happiness after sadness. My heart had been consoled seeing my three children, abhimanyu, srutakriti and Pragati. I saw my Krishnaa contented. She had got some smile after arrival of our children. Their future had made us proud; made me proud; made us both proud. I thought, now I will leave my responsibility to then after finishing this final job, and live afterwards with my Krishnaa and Madhav happily...But luck had it's own plans. How would have my poor souls lived without their parents! My shrutakiriti never left her mother; he never ate without his mother; just like me... And his zeal, his determination, was of his mother. My Pragati had been so big! She was looking like her mother's replica. I knew, Krishnaa wanted her daughter never to suffer like her... I thought, now my son-in-law will have big competition. He have to pass a big test; not of strength, but of his inner strength... He should never be weak in emotion like me, never! He should never fail my daughter... NEVER! I promised to Krishnaa, that now her future will be my responsibility. And I will carry it with utmost care... None can stop me to take their lives' decision; because they are my children. At least I can keep her contented by keeping her children happy! Our children happy! They were token of our love, her love, my love.

I always was jealous of Bhrata Bheem. How he always got the chance to show his love! Be it Kichaka, or, Kauravs. Those years of Vanvaas were like training for a war; not any challenge; but not less than challenge. I knew I had to do a lot of tapasya; all need to do... But she always cared for my pain. She said, your separation will be more painful for me more than my humiliation... Such was her love! It was pure love! I knew, I can only show her my love by killing that foul mouthed Karna... I need to do tapasya, not for me, but for her... I can do that least for her! When Urvashi confronted me, I had ignored her... After all if I enjoy now, then what'll be my tapasya? Mere show off? No!! I had done enough mistakes by marrying three more... And now an Apsara... How could have I confronted her! And at that cost, I got a curse! So what? I did it for my love; restrained myself for not disappointing my, was that wrong? At least I wouldv'e been contented that I did something! That curse was like boon to me! At least I could show the world how I loved my Krishnaa! Everyone analysed everything and said, I didn't love Krishnaa! How foolish of them! They were not able to give a proper answer for this sacrifice of mine! Because Vijaya embraced that curse only for his love! I still didn't understand her, she said, why didn't you fulfilled her demand! At least you could have been safe of curse! Her love even was ready to sacrifice her husband for his welfare! Such supportive and caring was she! When Krishnaa was kidnapped, she had faith in all of us! I then believed, no, I will be always indebted of this woman, my wife. I could never show my love for her. I was very unlucky in this matter. I had seen her flowing tears in servant court at midnight. She never confronted me. Because she knew she wouldn't be able to see me like this. But I did all only for, only for her... To establish Dharma, to get justice; to get justice for her. When Kichaka touched him, I thought to break his arms. But Bheemsena as always, did that shubh karya. He never gave me chance!

When we left for Indraprastha, we were living corpse, or maybe a magma hill, who will soon blast. We had rage; rage for our insult, rage for HER insult. My heart was being scratched by sharp nails of fate. I couldn't see her like living corpse. She had no emotion In her. I only wanted her one soothing touch, only one touch which would revive me. I wanted to console her, soothe her, take her in my arms, calm her, give her my shoulder to keep her head. But I knew she would not let me. Her only sentence was, don't touch me, don't come near me; I am impure; they made me impure; don't come near me, thee you'll be impure. I thought, no panchali, You're not impure. Those wretched adharmis are impure. Those mouths are filthy who said YOU impure. They became impure at that very time...

She came in indraprashta like a tornado. When she shut the door, I saw my broken world crumbling into pieces. I only prayed, no, no, Yagyaseni! You can't do anything! You just can't!! I am nothing without you! We are nothing without you! You are strong enough to face all! My right on her vanished.Wasn't it! After all I didn't use my right at the right time! She abondoned me with abondoning her chudamani. But she never abondoned us!! She held us even after not saving her. She made us all guilty indebted by her! She made the Ajaya Pandavs defeat with her compassion!

She fought; she fought, and she won. Won with all Maharathis of Aryavrat. She won, she won with her devotion. No one heard, but I heard her saying, Hare Krishna,Hare krishna, hare gopala, hare govind!Shri krishna govinda hare murari!! Hey narayana, hey vasudeva! After all only a devotee can understand the language of other devotee... I am indebted, indebted to my two pillars of my life; for holding me all time; I am indebted to Madhav who held HER all time...

She questioned all of us, and won in words of Dharma. No one had no answers, because there every soul had been clouded by their worldly Dharmik mind.They never bothered about a soul's Dharma; Dharma was to free; not to enchain! Then why all were enchained by Adharma masked by so called Dharma? All questions were asked by soul... Could a soul clouded with mind's tendency answer those questions? And we, we only became a doll with key. Our brother made us. Made ME... I thought, I thought to take my dhanush, and leave away with her, again triumphing her love. But I failed again, for my so called Dharma and unity. Yes, I am saying my Dharma so called now, because I know, its ONLY so called. I never knew actual meaning of Dharma before Madhav taught me the meaning of Dharma... Maybe that time my foolish unknown unacknowledged and unguided mind took over my soul. Her scream shook me... I don't have the guts to tell the incidents because it will not let me stand properly;make guilty;guilty of myself... it will only salt my injuries... Bhrata bheem swore to break those hands and that inviting man's thighs; and kill all the wretched people. I swear, if he had not sworn, I would've sworn to kill, to kill every adharmik persons of that sabha. When Karna opened his mouth, I thought to break this jaw, and rip apart that head, which had that filthy mouth, whoever he was;whatever was his position; whatever was my position.. And i killed,killing his voice, that had that sound to tell those filthy words. My revenge, my wrath had been fulfilled. My rage, my rage was only for her love, my love for her... My life had been broken up since that unlucky chausar began...

I had restricted Bhrata, not to go, all said, because we had fear to lose, and any treachery. I had fear to lose her; I couldn't take any chance. I restricted because i knew she never liked it. She always showed her displeasure for Jyeshth's obsession. But jyeshth always bounded her by his Dharma. She was totally uncomfortable with it. She once called me and said, Arya, I never wanted these royals glory, crown, throne! I only wanted peace of my mind... Why didn't you restricted me; why didn't you take me away from here! I would have been happy even in huts! If YOU had been with me! Why didn't you disobeyed your mother, who had told to disobey her, WHY! Can't I get peace of my mind a live normal life?? I had no answers of her questions... sometimes I thought, was I drunk in my whole life before Madhav's teaching! Did so many foolish jobs!! When he was not around, I had fear to do wrong job. And by god's grace, I did it all time! I thought, at least this time, let me stop Jyeshth. He doesn't know their foul mind. My brother was too generous that he thought by caressing a lion, it would stop eating meat!! I warned all time, because I was irritated and restless seeing Krishnaa's utter irritation. But me, I was a mere senapati...can my wish be fulfilled by samrat!

My life had been fufilled with arrival of my son and daughter. I felt complete... OUR life had been fulfilled... I knew, she had the wish to bear my blood, and she had that aura, when I first heard about their arrivals. I had been never that much happy in my whole life... at least i could give her her wish of life!! How happy we were!! That time my childish Panchali suddenly became a women... A complete woman... She was beautiful in every pore; even apsara can't compete with her! That urvashi forgot, that I have best of the beauty in whole world; why would I need an Apsara when the best of female creation was with me! My love was never lust; and maybe that was the only way to show my love; to shower my love on her...

Once I banged my head on walls... Must be thinking, what mistake had Purushottam had done that he had to hit his head to wall? Well, i did many mistake, but one of my biggest mistake was to come with subhadra...No no, I am not talking about her nature, she was sweet, I loved her a lot, but I made my queen angry! That was my mistake. She had smiled freely the first and last time after our marriage; during my arrival. Nilanjana and Priyamvada maasi had told me, they had seen her that happy first time after marriage. Then I hit my head on wall... Parth, what you did!! Did you forgot, this woman submitted to you even after all complication!! And you disappointed love of your life?? What did you did!! I was angry on myself; I was the cause for her falling tears that time... she flew her invaluable tears only for my mistake!! Shame on you parth!! I even slapped myself! What to do, I didn't see her for 12 years, and when I came, she didn't even show her face to me! For which i craved! I failed, I failed my love of life... Did I won her to lose all time! No Parth! And I don't know what magic did subhadra cast, she agreed to allow us!! My mouth was open... I knew that it is not easy task to console my fire born, but she did! Maybe some Madhav's magic! After all she was his sister! But anger didn't go yet! When she welcomed us with open hands, I asked her, why do you love me so much? She simply said in reply, because I can't love you eternal! I can't HAVE YOU eternally! Can I lose my valuable times only by spitting fire of my anger? Then it struck, yes! Even I can't!! she is forbidden for me, and I am forbidden for her! What luck had given me!

I had seen her disappointed for second time... when I left... I know why i left... I couldn't see her with anyone else..BE IT MY OWN BROTHER!! I had won her, but i had no right on her; i can't show her love; and she can't show me her love...what could be more painful for me to see my love with anyone else!! She was falling weak; falling weak in these thorns of life... Whenever i saw her, she had a painful expression. I couldn't let her fall... But i can't hold her also... what is the play of destiny! If she fell at that moment, then we all would fall... on our jaws... My heart was aching with pain... I can't hold her, I can't touch her, and she is front of me!! I won her!! ME!! I was not able to bear it... I only wanted to go away from here... and that golden opportunity came... How could I left it!! My every day started with her, and ended with her. I was craving to see her face... What she must be doing now!! Then I thought, Foolish parth! What You did! Now you don't even have the luck to see her face!! You should have waited for 4 years! Now You need to wait for 12 Years!! Then my heart said, no you did right. At least you don't need to see her with others! Maybe with those clashes with mind and heart, 12 years went away...

That day of wedding; wedding day is always special, but for me, it was as drinking of poison. Every brother enjoys their brother's wedding; But me; I couldn't even stand properly!! Then my pillar was Madhav. Only he held me at those time... I was not able to see my love of life to marry with somebody else!! Not one, but FOUR!! My foots were going to knees seeing her painful expressions... when her eyes met with mine, i could never lock it... Because it was unbearable for me... How my luck was!! I was Dhananjaya, but couldn't be my name Mananjaya?? I know it's sarcastic, but if that happened, then my name would be Those who conquered hearts... That time I regretted my name... Why i conquered Wealth and sleep!! Why not hearts!! The I would have got the biggest wealth in my life... my love of life... That foolish Karna says, my luck is best always... Yes, partially true, as i got the most beautiful maiden... But did he thought that i had to share her with 4 more?? With my OWN brother? Was his luck that much bad? No! He was happy with is happy family! One wife, no complications! But if a man always have habit to complain then what to do!

When we entered, I thought to surprise my mother... But what i knew, that mother would surprise me!! No, shock me! I thought that my whole world fell down, my dreams shattered, her life shattered, My land under my foot had left it's support... I thought there was no ground... How could maata utter those words!! Madhav said those were of Saraswati's verse, but why her only! Why me only! Why us only! We were tools, then what was the reason to break us apart!! At times, I thought that, Parth, take her away, take her away; away from the world; you'll be happy... I thought to flee holding her hand!! But that girl's dignity would lose, my brothers would misunderstand me... again my worldly thoughts clouded my soul... What was in these worldly materials!! My life was enough with Kalyani and my family!! How I thought that how my family would be!! Unlucky me!! I don't know, was she unlucky, or me unlucky! But could i deny my mother!! My store and last soltitude of life was only that walk!

I didn't knew that walk can be blissful... I knew it was only tiring!! But that walk was never tiring!! I thought that I could walk with her till eternity, If she was beside... Maybe she thought also... Her love was always for me... Her smile was looking like a piece of clear blue sky... her face was like flower of heaven... I was so engulfed in that heavenly beauty that i forgot my presence... i thought to take her away and marry itself... but what luck stored for me!! She walked by a stranger; accepted as her lord; her love... Could I deny that now I have accepted her as my purpose of life!

That striking of fish... those arrows and fish totally changed my life! Was that only my wish to sharp my skills? No! I had fallen for her since when I saw her!! I had accepted her!! I just wanted to rip those eyes out of their courts!! Who looked at my Panchali with lust looks!! That swayamvar was the last lucky thing and start of real life for me... How lucky was I! I met with my two pillars; my loves of life; my heart; my soulmates... Maybe I was the luckiest! I was complete... My soul was complete... and start of my life...

This was my journey... A silent journey of sacrifice and compromise... This was Kalyani's journey... My destiny's lucky and unlucky part of journey... From end to start... Maybe to revive... That was my yagyaseni, my fiery queen, who walked on fire, held me, FOREVER... this my kalyani, MY PANCHALI...

NO INTENTION TO HURT ANYONE!!😊 IT IS AN PURELY FICTIONAL WRITING!