Posted:
Hey guys! I have penned what was meant to be an OS but ended up being so long, that it made more sense as a 3-shot instead. There is therefore a short part 1 and longer parts 2 and 3. I had to get it all down so it's not coming in instalments! It's set on the day of the forthcoming "Kuldevi" puja. As many of you know, I have been getting frustrated by the way we are shown Swara behaving with Sanskaar and I keep hoping that this will be short lived and we will get to see a Swara we have come to like for her rational thought and sensible reactions. I kept thinking that it would be nice to see something happen at the puja that sets in motion a chain that could help SwaSan regain their friendship at least, which can then realistically pave the way for Swara's changing feelings to develop in a mature way, rather than seeing unnecessary forced MUs and senseless arguments.
I am not sure how this has turned out so please bear with me. I fear it may be a bit "filmy" but then SwaSan are nothing if not "filmy" so I hope I will be forgiven that. It's now gone 3 am here so some editing may follow tomorrow! Hope at least some of you enjoy it. Would love to receive feedback!
Note: I have made Ashapura Maa the Maheshwari "kuldevi". Research tells me that she is "kuldevi" to various Marwari clans. Maheshwari seems to be a whole caste of people (I may be wrong but that's what my research indicates) with various surnames being part of the Maheshwari clan. I therefore couldn't definitively find what "kuldevi" they would worship. Various goddesses were an option but for the story I wanted to build, I felt Ashapura Maa was perfect. There is also a belief that she is the incarnation of Annapoorna Devi, which I found appropriate, given we have an Annapoorna as a character in the story! She is also the "kuldevi" on my mother's side of the family and many tales of Maa's power and miracles performed abound. I myself have been to Maa's main temple in Kutch, Gujarat, known as "Mata no Madh" and can vouch for a really divine atmosphere.
RESTORED BY GRACE
Part 1:
Sanskaar could not take his eyes off her yet again. Not that this was new for him, he thought wryly, but his one day old bride was today decked out in Marwari attire- in contrast to the Bengali get up she had worn for their forced wedding and certainly different to the usual suits she wore since she had come to live with them. She was always beautiful to him but today, she took his breath away. Her saree was a deep red and green combination in honour of sitting in a puja and it was ornately embroidered with heavy motif work in gold and stone work. She still managed to exude a simplicity that was absent from the other women in his house who always seemed to him an advert for an Indian TV soap, and he also noticed that neither the heavy clothes nor the jewellery overshadowed her radiance one bit. He suddenly noticed that she was stood before him and was looking distinctly uncomfortable- little wonder, he thought, when he was staring at her like a starved man ogles a banquet. His flush suddenly matched hers and he tore his gaze away with an effort and asked her in a somewhat odd sounding voice to go downstairs for the puja as the priest was waiting.
Swara blushingly trailed before him, feeling a heat that had more to do with the intensity of his earlier gaze than from the unfamiliar heaviness of the attire she had been given by Badi Maa to wear for the puja. She needed to control her reactions to him, she thought despairingly. Why did he affect her so much that she seemed to lose every ounce of reason and sense when it came to trying to address what she felt for him, in a way that would help them deal with their changed relationship? She could not afford to analyse now, she realised, as there was still the ordeal of the puja to be overcome today. She mentally apologised to Mata Rani for calling the puja an ordeal but she felt that Maa would understand how for weeks now, and especially since the events of the fateful night Sanskaar had filled her "maang" and confessed his feelings, she had been engaged in a veritable battlefield of every imaginable emotion.
Both their respective musings were cut short as they had walked down the stairs, with numerous pairs of eyes observing them with varying expressions and were quickly directed by Annapoorna to sit where she indicated. A quick survey of the room reassured Swara that whilst Ragini was present, staring at her with her hooded gaze, Lakshya thankfully remained absent. She knew he would be recovering from his recent injuries, ironically similar to the ones she had so recently sustained, but it was a respite not having to see him again after yesterday. How could she otherwise pretend normalcy, she thought despairingly, as the shattered look on his face when he had arrived too late to stop her marriage, flashed before her eyes? She must not think of that, or of the impotent rage she had felt at him, finally realising how she had once more relied on Lakshya, to be met with the same result as before- disappointment and heartbreak. What was even worse this time was that she wasn't blinded by sympathy for him, especially when he still did not manage to complete the jigsaw she had pretty much laid out before him as one does for a small child who cannot cope with over complicated puzzles. Yes, she told him her truth without taking Ragini's name, but surely he should have been capable of recalling that both she and Sanskaar had previously accused her sister of pushing her into the river. No- Lakshya still chose to believe Swara but in the version he wanted to accept, Swara had clumsily fallen, just as he had. Thus whilst he now accepted that she hadn't betrayed him by running from the wedding, he decided to not pursue the logical train of thought further to then come to the obvious conclusions about the video, Ragini's suicide drama and oh, a multitude of inconsistencies that would take too long to summarise. In a move that was typically Lakshya, he wilfully chose to stay half blind, thinking he had progressed so much from when he was totally sightless. No, best to simply not think of Lakshya now and to focus on what lay ahead.
Part 2:
Swara noticed the arrangements distantly but was struck by the beauty of the "madh" (the shrine) that housed a statue of Ashapura Maa, the Maheshwaris "kuldevi"- literally the protector of their clan. Swara felt a sudden sense of calm steal over her amidst the turbulence that had been uncontrollably raging within her for days as she stared at Maa's benevolent visage, decorated with lovely clothes, jewellery and set amidst flowers and perfumed incense. She stole a glance at Sanskaar and saw him reverentially briefly bow his head with joined hands, just as she did.
She noticed that he looked haggard and tired, shadows underlining his beautiful and usually expressive eyes, which were at present shuttered and enigmatic, as if he thought to shield his emotions from everyone, especially her. He was always handsome, especially when dressed like today, in a cream and gold "sherwani" but he just looked so tired, she thought with a pang. She suddenly realised what she was thinking and gave an involuntarily soft gasp, which had the effect of immediately drawing his gaze to hers, with a slight frown marring his brow.
"Tum theek ho?" he asked in that timbered voice of his, which had previously always manage to have a calming effect on her amidst all the chaos that had surrounded them since she joined forces with him.
She quickly nodded, still in a state of panic at the direction her thoughts were going in. Why on earth was she thinking about his eyes and how handsome he was? Had she gone mad? But the annoyingly persistent voice inside her, which she had managed to silence for the past many days, had decided that today it would chatter incessantly, asking her if she had not always unconsciously known he was attractive? Maybe she had, she acknowledged but it had never been something she needed to think about before as he was previously firmly confined to the category of a special friend, all of which was now of course drastically changed.
With an effort Swara dragged her attention to the rituals that were underway and tried to distract herself with the rhythmic chanting of "mantras" by Pandit ji. There was an awkward moment when the priest asked that whilst Sanskaar poured the obligatory offerings in the "havan kund" where the flames crackled and simmered away, much like the thoughts that continued to attack her and possibly him too, Swara should keep her had on him so that the offerings were jointly made. This was typical of vedic rituals but Swara still hesitated in touching him, a gesture not lost on him at all, as evidenced by the grim tightening of his lips and his perceptible stiffening when she touched him.
The priest then explained the importance of the puja today and explained how powerful the protection and blessings of their "kuldevi" were. Ashapura Maa, as her name suggests, fulfils the wishes and desires of all those who worship her with a true heart and the family had particular experience of her power over the ages, with numerous stories abounding within the family of how Mataji had extended her everlasting kindness on various Maheshwaris and also ensured the rise of their clan to what they are today. Pandit ji asked them to focus their energies on praying with all their hearts and assured them that if they asked with clean hearts and pure intentions, their wishes would certainly be fulfilled.
Swara looked at Devi Maa with involuntary tears springing up in her eyes at this. She sensed Sanskaar casting her a sidelong sombre glance again before quickly looking away. The prayers and rituals continued, but Swara could not stem the flow of thoughts bubbling over within her.
She closed her eyes and prayed with all her heart- she asked Maa to give her strength, she asked her for courage to make the right decisions and to help her- help her to understand whether she had done the right thing with this marriage, give her some sign if she had and asked her to show her the way ahead, open up the path and guide her to walk a straight line on it. She begged for sustenance and succour and the ability to be able to see - to take away this confusion and make her understand what she should do next. Would Maa not save her from whatever she needed to face?
It was hard to believe that so much had happened in a matter of days. Besides all the truly dramatic events, the most drastic change was the loss of the previously easy camarederie she had enjoyed with Sanskaar. She realised how odd it was to think this given all else that had happened but then, had his steady friendship not been the anchor that kept her previously rooted amongst the turbulent waters of changed relationships that engulfed her from each corner? So it was little wonder that she should feel its loss so keenly. She vainly tried to turn away from these dangerous thoughts- a slippery slope lay ahead here and she was already losing her foothold.
With a start, Swara realised that Pandit ji had been talking to her and asking her to perform part of the ritual at the end meant to be the domain of the wife sitting in the puja. She mechanically did what was asked but had mentally drifted off again when she was asked to offer a mix of some dried fruits, coconut and some other offerings into the hungry flames. She suddenly came to when she felt the flames unexpectedly leap up, probably catching impetus with a slightly bigger log. Her hands were already extended well within the "kund" to make the offering and she had then failed to quickly pull her hands back as she was day dreaming. She felt a real fear as she sensed the heat rising up to engulf her hands. Suddenly, someone was snatching her hands away with a shout and she almost fell backwards to hit the wall of Sanskaar's chest.
She shivered in disoriented shock and realised that Sanskaar had managed to pull her back just in time as a second more and she would have had a charred mass instead of the smarting fingers and stinging sensation she felt. She was aware of shrieks around her and she could see the priest flapping around. Her eyes met Sanskaar's gaze, which blazed as fiercely as the flames he had just saved her from, and felt his fingers gripping hers with stunning force.
"Swara!! Kya karr rahi ho tum?! Tumhe andaza bhi hai ke kya ho sakta tha?" When she could only stare at him in stupefied silence, the concern bursting from him intensified, "Swara, are you ok?" and he started frantically looking at her arms and hands. She dropped her gaze too and what she saw, made her gasp again, this time in pain and deeper shock.
His hands had fared worse than hers as his attempt to wrest her away from being burned, had actually caused burns on his own hands which were worse than on hers. He had clearly not only yanked her hands back but had engulfed them with his own, pushing them even nearer the flames than hers had absentmindedly gone. Tears sprang up in Swara's eyes as she understood what he had just done and how he still didn't seem to be aware of his own injury, so intent was he on making sure she wasn't harmed by her own stupidity.
There was then long moments of chaos where everyone had crowded around, talking and exclaiming and making sure they were fine. Sanskaar's mum was typically hysterical until much to everyone's relief it was established that both Swara and Sanskaar had been incredibly lucky and the damage was confined to scalded fingers in Swara's case and a worse case of the same, but including his palms, in Sanskaar's. Thankfully, Swara's offering marked the end of the puja in any case so ointment was quickly fetched and applied as a temporary measure before Pandit ji hastily declared the puja complete. Pandit ji blessed the still slightly shocked couple and addressing Swara he said,
"Beti, tum bahut bhagyawan ho. Mata Rani ne tumhe aisa jeevan saathi diya hai jisne apne par sankat lekar tum par taal diya. Isme bhi shayad Devi Maiya ka sanket hai ke tum dono ke vivahit jeevan main agar mushkeliyan aayengi bhi toh tumara jeevan saathi tumhari dhaal banke tumhe unse bachayega. Aur mujhe vishwwas hai ke tum bhi Maa se prathna karogi ke jaise woh tumhara rakshak bana hai, Mata Rani hamesha uski raksha karein. Phir tum dono ko saath rehkar harr mushkil suljane main koi dikkat nahi ho sakti".
Swara felt as if she was electrified. Her gaze locked onto Maa's smiling visage, tears now freely streaming down her face as she suddenly realised that she had got her answer. She had wanted a sign and she now had it. She shut her eyes in silent thanks and when she opened them, she looked straight at Sanskaar, who was once again looking at her with incredible concern. He was about to say something, clearly to ask yet again if she was ok but she slightly shook her head and gave him a wan but reassuring smile. He looked surprised but didn't pursue it and say anything.
Part 3:
What seemed like hours later but was not that long, she walked into their room, where he was resting with his head back on the sofa, his burnt hands still smeared with ointment. The same room which last night had witnessed her sobbing all night after the marriage forced on them and him being equally miserable but much more stoic, suddenly did not feel as unwelcome as it had only yesterday. His eyes shot open when he heard her and he immediately stood, striding over to her.
However, before he could say anything, Swara burst out,
"Sanskaar, tumhare haath kaise hai? Bahut dard ho raha hai kya?", at the same time registering his stunned expression at her words, such a surprise to him after her behaviour the past few days.
"Nahin, it's ok- itna kuch zyaada nahi hai... Aur tum...?" was his cautious response.
"Mujhe toh bahut mamuli si chott hai, lekin agar tumnhe mujhe nahi roka hota to...Woh, main, uh.. I'm so sorry Sanskaar!!!" she burst out, trying to convey with her eyes that she was apologising for way more than the physical injuries he had been caused.
He still looked at her very warily, and despite knowing that she was totally responsible for his reserve, this still hurt her. After all, had she not been either an ice princess or a shrieking virago at every opportunity the past days with him? It was as if the fumes from the sacrificial fire had permeated her brain but had managed to wipe out the fog that had enveloped her head and heart the past few days. The flames which could have engulfed her but for his intervention, seemed to have stripped away the wall of unfairness and anger and unjustified bad behaviour she had built around her for him. She had by no means dealt with analysing her constantly shifting feelings for him or even begun to explore the drastically altered nuances of their evolving relationship, but she knew now that she could not keep going how she had the past few days.
She still couldn't think of him as her husband without feeling a state of utter helpless panic, but what her mental monologues during the puja seemed to have done, was to enable her to at least see that needlessly blaming him for everything and projecting all her suppressed anger, frustration, fear, loss and betrayal on him in the way she had been doing, was not only manifestly unfair but also cruel. Yes, she had been angry that he said he loved her and despite her efforts, he did not offer them the easy way out and deny it or pretend he had not meant it. A part of her knew that had he done that, it would have made it easier to go on living the lie they were acting out, but she also accepted now that Sanskaar would never be that cowardly- he would not hide behind platitudes or pretence, despite having remarkable abilities to be able to plot and plan some staggering subterfuges. However, like with everything - good or bad, he owned his actions and reactions and her punishing him for that really did not befit the person she thought she was. No matter what, he had been her friend and even if he believed himself in love with her (she would not accept that he genuinely had fallen in love with her- he just thought he was in love), was it not her duty as his friend to deal with things rather than insult his feelings, as he had rightly accused her of doing?
The priest's words after the shock of realising how he had yet again, put her before himself and his total lack of concern for himself in his efforts to prevent her getting injured, had jolted her from her wallowing sense of self pity and anger. The puja had really touched her, she had felt a spiritual sense of calm at its beginning and this had been heightened by her fervent praying. She was not superstitious as such, but she felt sure that Sanskaar's actions followed by the interpretation Pandit ji gave of events, were the signs she had asked Devi Maa to show her.
Sanskaar was still staring at her with a degree of trepidation and to try to mask her own uncertainly and nervousness, she began a stream of inane chatter with him, which made the wonder in his eyes intensify. She was now talking about the puja and how she was glad it finished successful despite the hiccup at the end and how she had heard Shomi was resting today and not feeling any after effects from the recent kidnapping, omitting to say she was still incredibly upset over the marriage and previous events. Sanskaar, still rather hesitatingly, played along after a short pause. It was almost as if he thought (practical as ever) that it was best not to look a gift horse in the mouth! Plus, the relief he felt at her talking to him, if not quite like the "old" days between them, but with some semblance of normality, was such a welcome respite, he was grateful for it. He also could not resist reassuring her when she was worried about anything and she would of course still be fretting about her mum.
"Fikar matt karo Swara, Ma theek hojayengi- unko rest ki zaroorat hai. Hum kal unhe milne jayenge. Aur waise bhi, main jaanta hoon sabh theek hoga kyun ke mujhe pata hai tumne "kuldevi" se kya manga hai. Aur woh zaroor sunengi."
Swara stared at him in shock at this. She went cold for a second and then flushed again. How could he know?
"Kya matlab hai Sanskaar, tumhe kaise pata ke maine..."
He gave her gentle smile again after days, the one that used to wrap around her like a warm hug and the one she had unconsciously craved the past few days of conflict between them.
"Kyun ke main tumhe atchi tara se jaanta hoon Swara. Tumne yahi maanga na ke Ma-Baba ko Devi Maa phir se milade? "Kuldevi" ke saamne tumne yeh jaap to kiya hi hoga, right?"
Swara gave a start as his words sank in. Eyes wide, she could only stare at him as she realised that she had not asked for what she believed was her only mission in remaining here, with him. Her Ma-Baba, Lakshya, Ragini- the whole world except Sanskaar had never featured in her thoughts in those moments. She had instead spent her wishes asking for clarity on her own relationship with Sanskaar. She took a deep breath, she would need to think more when she had time but for now, she had to listen to the message she felt she had got and to try and work out her future with the aid of friendship, rather than childish anger and denial. She gave him a small smile and was rewarded by a genuinely warm one in return and a further softening of those beautiful eyes, that suffused her with warmth and gently unfurling hope.
Bade Achche Lagte Hain Naya Season
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