Disenchanted
"When she can't bring me to heal with scolding, she bends me to shape with guilt."
Libba Bray, The Sweet Far Thing
"A person is, among all else, a material thing, easily torn and not easily mended."
Ian McEwan, Atonement
He strides towards his bedroom, shaking his head with his phone in hand ending the call that lasted and wasted ten minutes of his life.
Standing upon the threshold, he sees his wife occupying the couch, a book in hand already dressed in her green kurta and a pair of white leggings, for the night.
Closing the distance between them, he speaks up,
"Ishita, you need to talk to your sisters."
Confused by his sudden declaration his wife looks up at him, laying aside the book in her hand on the side table after placing a bookmark in it.
"What happened?"
"They need to get over things seriously I have promised Mihir and Bala we would knock some sense into them."
"Bala Jiju and Mihir... what are you even talking about?"
"The bachelor party we had the other night... remember that? Since your case came up the next day, we all got busy and tensed with that but now that things settled down, well things instead of going normal just took a new turn. Mihika has threatened Mihir she will not marry a liar like him in this lifetime and Vandita has come to stay at your Amma'. I was just over there to reason with them, but both of them wouldn't hear a word from me, they said I should keep out of this for good."
"And they are right Raman you shouldn't interfere."
"I am not even interested in interfering in their matters, its Mihir and Bala who have asked for my help here and so I had to step in."
Shaking her head as she looks at him in disbelief, his wife finally gets up from the couch.
"Raman, Mihir and Bala jiju may have asked your help but it still isn't right to interfere in their matters. And you shouldn't have made any promises to them - not when it comes to my sisters or even me for that matter."
"Excuse me?"
"You heard me, I am sorry but I can't help you or them in this matter. Its their personal problem."
"Personal problem, are you even hearing yourself here? You are their sister and what is it supposed to mean that I can't promise things on your behalf- I am your husband."
"They are my sisters and you are my husband, but I still stand with my statements, I am not interfering in matters of Mihir-Mihika or Akka and jiju also just because you happen to be my husband you can't make promises about things when it comes to me, without talking them over with me first."
Furrowing his eyebrows, he gets irked with her response,
"I am not asking you to do something humongous here that you have to taunt me, like I said Mihir and Bala asked my help and I promised I would to them and came to you because Mihika and Vandita are your sisters. You do not have to make a mountain out of a molehill, just ask your sisters to forgive those two, that's all."
"Why don't you understand Raman it isn't as simple as that and honestly if Mihir and jiju were of the opinion you can help them then they are fools."
"Oh hello, they came to me for help because they saw how easily I got you to keep your mouth shut; they thought I can help them."
Closing the distance between them, she folds her arms as she quietly asks him,
"Keep my mouth shut?"
"Yes, don't you remember your little video recording which got you to shut up?" He says the words, as he wiggles the mobile in his hands and has a gleeful smirk on his face, a victorious gleam in his eyes.
She has a rueful smile on her face as she looks away before she begins,
"I had always assumed jiju to be smarter than that, Mihir I still can understand but jiju as well...god men can be really dumb."
"And what is that supposed to mean exactly?"
"It means they should have known better than to ask for your help and tried things on their own instead."
"What is wrong if they came to me for help huh? You see I am kinda the pack leader here."
"Really... pack leader huh? I would say you are as disillusioned as them then."
"Oh really, and I should believe that why just because you think so? Okay so tell me what am I as per you, if not the pack leader?"
"You are a lone ranger Raman and not some pack leader hard as you may like to believe."
"Oh and why is that so may I ask as per you? How am I... a lone ranger in your words when I clearly have followers - your ideal dear jiju included?"
"You are a lone ranger because we aren't anything like them at all Raman."
"We, how did that come up here? I thought we were discussing me here, not us."
"That's the point isn't it Raman, the thing you missed before you made those promises... there is no us."
Her reply stuns him into silence, the words taking him completely off guard.
"Why do you look so surprised Raman? Did you really think I kept quiet about your escapade and did not rat you out because of a recording? You think I... I was bullied into silence because you happened to have a proof that when I am under the influence of anesthesia I go crazy. Seriously, and what... is this something you bragged about in front of jiju and Mihir? "
"I didn't brag about anything to anyone, Bala and Mihir don't even know about the recording no one else except the two of us does, and why did you stay quiet then if the threat of this recording being leaked didn't scare you? If that's the case why not rat me out huh?"
"It isn't my place to do so, nor is it my right."
"What exactly is that supposed to mean?"
"Don't act dumb Raman, please it doesn't suit you."
She picks up the book placed on the side table and is about to move towards the wall unit to place it back in its place when he seizes her by the arm and spins her around to face him.
"I asked you a question, what is that supposed to mean - that you stayed quiet but not because of this clip but because it isn't your place."
"It means a very simple thing Raman. We ... we aren't together like Akka and jiju or Mihir and Mihika, they are couples Raman, we, we merely have a partnership based on a contract that benefitted us mutually. I could not and do not expect things of you because I know, though we are married our relationship is only a charade, only on paper, this marriage it's only a deal we made for Ruhi and nothing more."
It is the truth that she says a hard truth they both have always been well aware of - tonight it feels as if those very words are a slap on the face to him.
Their marriage, it had begun as a contract, but with the passage of time, it began to gain a prominence of its own in his life, the obligations fading away replaced by a sense of camaraderie, fondness and respect.
She releases her arm still in his hold and looks him in the eye as she speaks up,
"Mihir and jiju don't know the truth or even if they do, they must have assumed that we... we are together now Raman, but at least you know the truth very well. You should have known better than to promise those things that are beyond your control. "
"If you were not at all bothered by me being a part of that party why did you get angry with me that night, since we aren't together ... like you said."
"I was not angry with you, only disappointed, because I had assumed you to be a reasonable, responsible man, someone who doesn't resort to lying."
"Why the disappointment if there is no relationship?"
"There is one Raman - of our friendship, you can be disappointed with friends, especially ones you think of in a certain light, and because I never thought you would be party to something like this - you hate lies and liars and here you were at the helm of things."
"It was a night of harmless fun Ishita, we were only drinking and dancing in a club that is all when the police came there and raided the place assuming there is a smuggling racket that works from there."
"I am not asking nor ever asked for any explanations from you Raman, like I said it's not my place to do so. A wife or would be- wife can ask questions or demand answers from the man who is accountable to her, not a wife on paper or a friend, which I am to you. A wife on paper has no rights and a friend cannot cross a line, some things you keep out of even in friendship. When you aren't answerable to me, how can I demand anything of you?"
"If this is what you think why didn't you say so to me that very night huh?"
"What difference would have that made when you were drunk out of your mind huh but clearly not drunk enough."
"What, what does that even mean?"
"Simply that in your drunken state with everyone outside I didn't want to create a scene and broadcast the truth about our marriage to everyone, that we are husband and wife only on paper."
"You think I would have yelled and declared the state of things at the time to everyone?"
"No, I know you wouldn't have... but you were resorting to blackmailing me Raman, and if that were to have gotten out, it would have done the same thing - it would have revealed we aren't together Raman. Do you want to know why? Because that does not happen in real relationships, a husband caught lying to his wife, who has hurt her with those lies, does not resort to what you did that night. It might not have occurred to you, but it would have to everyone else - especially since out there - jiju, Mihir and Neil, they all were feeling guilty and self-conscious, only you had the audacity to do what you did. "
"Why don't you say the clip would have embarrassed you huh? Really Ishita I never knew you were capable of twisting things so much."
"Yes it would have embarrassed me Raman but then again, it would have only been something news to Mihir, Romi and Neil. They would have made fun of me for a while, let everyone else in our family know about it at most but Mihika, Akka and jiju, they know I happen to suffer from strong side effects of anesthesia in fact most of us do, including you."
"Seriously, I do not get crazy or start singing weird songs like you did."
"No, everyone is different - some people start singing like I did because of the side-effects of anesthesia, some blabber nonsense, some cry or some just say things that they are disturbed about but can't speak up in their sound state, things that have them bothered and agitated - like you did, you cried and poured your heart out to me Raman."
"What are you even talking about?"
"Do you remember I once treated after you had a really bad toothache in the middle of the night, days within our marriage, you had opened a beer bottle with your mouth and in the process your gums had developed a fissure, I had to inject you to treat you? You cried that night Raman, said what had been bothering you for days."
"I don't remember any of this, you are bluffing."
"Am I? Raman seriously you think I would lie about something like this, about Ruhi to you?" She looks hurt and disappointed with his statement.
"Ruhi, what has she got to do with it?"
"Everything Raman, did it never occur to you how did I learn of your problem huh? How did I know Ashok had lied to you, to hurt you and said Ruhi is his, you never had said a word to me, Ashok clearly wouldn't have come up to me now would he have? The night I was treating you, you started crying, for a moment I thought the treatment is perhaps too painful for you; your gums may be sensitive even though I had injected you. But when you started talking, it is what let me know what is bothering you, how I figured out things and got that DNA test done to put your doubts at rest."
"You never said that to me..." He says suddenly feeling a little breathless.
"You never asked it of me."
"But still, you could have said something, anything to me Ishita."
"I am a doctor Raman, we are taught to maintain doctor-patient privilege, a protocol when we take our oaths, as your doctor it was not my place to interfere in your personal matters. Like it is not with my other patients who sometimes suffer from a similar problem. They say things, which I am sure they never would if they were in a sound state of mind things personal to them. Marriage problems, that they are having an affair, doubting their spouse of one, the fights they had with their boss, their kids... you learn so many things about these people, but a doctor doesn't embarrass them by declaring what they did."
"You could have as a wife though."
"Like I said you never asked... and at that point of time we were still not exactly on the best of terms - not at least the way we are right now. If I had tried to explain it to you how I learned what I did on my own, you would have bitten my head off, so I quietly did what I did."
He has never felt more ashamed of himself, this woman, she learned his worst fear, saw his most vulnerable state and helped him back then. Ashok' claim had shaken him. Losing Adi and Shagun had already cost him his heart, his soul in a way but Ruhi had kept him alive throughout it all. She had been his reason to live, the only good thing about his life that he only came to terms with once he almost lost her custody.
How could he have ridiculed her, taken advantage of her delirium, what had she done sung a stupid song and he sank so low as to resorting to blackmail her?
"It never occurred to me to ask you that." He quietly admits.
"Sometimes the simplest things are the ones we often miss."
"Still I should have thought of it, I...I never even thanked you for what you did for me that day."
"I didn't do anything expecting thanks from you anyways Raman, I did it for Ruhi. She didn't deserve to be punished for something that wasn't her fault to begin with."
Swallowing a lump, he manages to speak up, though he averts his eyes.
"Still..."
"Forget it now, its history. And Raman if you still wanna help jiju and Mihir, just tell them one thing, if they do it, everything will be fine."
"What?"
"Tell them to apologize to Akka and Mihika and mean it, tell them they have to promise they would never do something like this ever again."
"They have done that already - like a hundred times Ishita and it hasn't worked."
"Then make then do it for a hundred and first time and tell them to make sure its heartfelt this time around, it hasn't worked so far because they haven't understood the problem, because they are just viewing things from a guy' approach here, a wrong approach in this case."
"And what exactly is the right approach here?"
"They are thinking Akka and Mihika are mad because they drank and partied that night."
"But they are mad because of that."
"Let me finish will you? The problem isn't that they drank or danced or went to a club Raman, yes we have been not raised to accept drinking as a lifestyle, but my sisters are educated women, they are today' women and they know better than to expect guys to be complete saints. We know men will be men but we are women at the end of the day."
"Say what? I didn't get the head or tail of that."
Letting out a sigh she calmly begins to explain to her husband.
"What has hurt Akka and Mihika here is the fact they were lied to Raman, they have been with jiju and Mihir for years, are gonna spend their life with them and yet, yet they couldn't trust them enough to tell them the honest truth that they want to have a boys night."
"And they would have agreed to that had Mihir and Bala stated the truth?"
"Not in a moment or easily but of course and also, they would have been happy to know that their partners were honest with them Raman."
"Would you have been okay too with it had I told you the truth?"
He does not know why but he asks her the question, unable to stop or help himself, wishing to know what would have been her reaction.
"I have no rights Raman to ask you or stop you; you are free to do as you please, just like I am free to do as I want, since you have no claim over me too."
Ensuring his voice does not give away what he is feeling he asks her,
"You really mean that?"
"Why wouldn't I?"
"Because you are my wife and that's the bottom-line isn't it?"
With a hint of a smile on her face that seems anything but happy, she quietly utters her next words that wound her husband more than he could have known.
"A relationship doesn't provide you rights Raman, not really."
"Then what does?"
"Love...you lay a claim over a person you love, allow a person who loves you the right to hurt you or make you happy or ask you things or... basically unless and until love is involved -no relationship gains prominence and one which lacks it has no real importance."
"So you are trying to say our relationship isn't important?"
"I never said that, because it does have love, only it's all for Ruhi. You are the father of my daughter, the man I am married to, even my friend - but you aren't a man I am in love with Raman ... just like you aren't a man in love with me, nor will you ever be... just like you said the other day when you were trying to distract me."
"I thought you said you were happy that day in my office but it seems to me like you are regretting your choices now."
She smiles at him before she replies,
"I am happy Raman, like I said that day it wasn't and isn't a lie and I could never regret the decision which made me Ruhi' Ishimaa... but being happy and being in love are exclusive of each other they are two different things. You can be made happy by anything that pleases you, even a movie, a book or just a tub of ice-cream sometimes... being in love - that is a different matter entirely."
"What if I had meant those words that day? What if I said I have really fallen in love with you?"
"A joke loses its charm and humor if you hear it enough times Raman."
"I am asking you this seriously. What would have been your reply?"
After a pause that has his heartbeats thundering with trepidation, he hears her reply.
"I would have asked you is it for real this time, as you have said so to me once before as well because of Ruhi or just another one of your gimmicks."
"I said I want to know what if it had been real; what if I had wanted to assure you I meant it this time."
"I would have said I need some time."
"Because you are still unable to get over your ex or because you find it hard to trust me or my feelings?"
"Neither of those, I would have asked for time not because I am not over Subu because I am Raman but because I would have wanted to know if it's for real this time."
"Meaning you wouldn't have trusted me?"
"I have lost my faith in love itself Raman, I couldn't help it when the man I was in love with for twelve years of my life could abandon me in an instant; finding my faith again in that emotion won't come easy to me, you should know that too."
"I thought you said your family helped you move on already, that you could love again because of them."
"Yes I did say that, but I found love in Ruhi Raman, a child. Children have the most selfless and giving hearts, expectations or any other thing does not taint their love; they cannot be corrupted or influenced into loving someone. When a child loves, he or she does it because they find it in their heart -love that makes them feel happy and safe, loved with someone. We adults, we complicate things; to us love is not as selfless and undemanding if it was I would not have been betrayed."
"Not everyone is a spineless coward like Subu Ishita."
"I know that, but it doesn't change the fact people don't love unconditionally - not in real life, it happens only in books or on TV or in movies and I don't know if I can fulfill those conditions, those expectations anymore that might be made of me."
"What if there are none?"
"I would have to believe that too now wouldn't I? You call up jiju and Mihir and let them know what I said, I would spend the night at Amma' from what you just told me my sisters are quiet upset and would need me."
With the last word, his wife walks out as he looks upon the empty room in which he finds himself all alone.
Edited by EkPaheli - 10 years ago
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