Originally posted by: -Purva-
Great Post. I've always been against any so called romance between Urmi and Samrat - just as a leopard can't change his spots, neither can a bully.
We have to realize that most wife-beaters and those who denigrate women are themselves very hollow men - insecure and afraid of themselves. They feel more in control of their life and world by controlling the women around them - most often through emotional, mental and physical abuse. The way to put a stop to this abuse is for the victim to "stop being a victim".
This is not Victim-Blaming, I'm not saying that the victim is solely responsible for the abuse meted out to her. However, she's complicit in it's continuation. At what stage should a woman put her foot down is really important.
It should have been when he landed the first slap - had she gone to the cops then, would Samrat have had the guts to hit her again? Most probably the cops would not have registered her complaint but the step itself would've been a warning to Samrat that if he crosses a limit there's retribution waiting for him.
What encourages an abuser is the knowledge that he can get away with abuse. Most often Abusers are more scared of being outed and exposed publicly for what they are - and that is the place to hit back for victims.
When people blame victims it is for applying makeup to hide bruises of domestic violence, for lying to police-officers that they walked into a door after having been kicked and beaten. Yes women are conditioned to keep silent - but unless that silence is broken the abuse will continue un-abated.
At the end of the day the choice lies with the Victim - be it Malala or Suzette Jordan (Park Street Rape Victim) or Kiranjit Ahluwalia (Provoked) - they can choose to be known as "Victims" of the injustice meted out to them or they can choose to emerge stronger and make something of their lives. Kiran is no longer the "Battered Wife" - she is a woman who fights for other battered women. Malala is not the "Girl who was shot" - she is the girl who champions education for women and Suzette Jordan is not "Park Street Rape Victim" - she chose to be her own person and fight the battle in her own name and person.
What I'm trying to say is that at the end of the day the choice lies with the victims. When people say that "Put it behind you" - they don't mean to say "forget it, it was nothing"; they mean to say " you have it in you to be bigger than the trauma you suffered". At the end of the the choice is with each woman how she shapes her life.
So there are two things I agree with you:
1. An abuser can never change
2. Only the Abuser is responsible for his own actions, not the victim.
Two things I disagree with you:
1. Unless a victim speaks up, there can be no help. Whatever be the conditioning, the victims have to speak up and they are the ones who have to face their abusers.
2. The victims have to "Get over it" - not because what happened was trivial - but to show their abusers that despite everything that happened to them the victim has it in her to be something in her own right. And that is the sweetest revenge of all - to let the abuser know that despite his best (worst) efforts he was not able to keep a good woman down.
Hello Purva!
Thank you for your input. I appreciate it, and I see you are also a feminist. However, I think we differ on ideologies of participatory action, and liberatory politics. I pre phase this by saying I am a victim of abuse, and I don't think those who have never been abused, or have should tell others what to do with their abuse. PLEASE UNDERSTAND this is a very privileged position, and lose your privilege when speaking to victims of abuse. BECAUSE NO, often times people cannot help depression, feelings of suicide and worthlessness, and they are allowed a time to feel this way- not because they still have to force to live the way in which others want for them. It is not about proving anything to him, whether you moved on or not.
I agree women have to speak about, but first and FOREMOST it is about education- educating men and reminding them of their privilege in these patriarchy systems of society. And teaching men that NO means NO, and women ARE NEVER THE REASON TO BLAME.
You seem to place a lot of trust in the police, many women, even here in Canada go to the police and guess what, the police also victim blame. If only we would speak out? Well many have friends who have done that before us and have been laughed or ridiculed by the police. I have a friend who went to the police and then the justice system where she had to relive trauma when the defence lawyer tried to argue SHE PROVOKED HIM. What provoked beating? Really.
I appreciate your insight, and I am sure as a sister in the feminist movement we will diverge on some points, but will always have great discussion. I ask you to consider axis of oppression when discussing these issues. Let's not make sweeping statements, as much as we would love every women to speak out, we have to consider that the justice system is also a production of patriarchy. It is better to sympathize with different perspectives. Some awesome initiatives in the form of alternative justice in rural India is some great research to look up :).
Lots of love. <3
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
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