"What is this?" he asked, surveying it all.
"Making modaks for prasad tomorrow." said Archana referring to the famous dish which looks like a dumpling or a momo stuffed with a mixture of jaggery, sugar, coconut, dry fruits etc. and then fried or steamed.
"That I can see, but aren't ingredients more than required? The packing material looks more, and even the kneaded dough.. how many modaks will you make?"
"101"
Manav raised an eyebrow. "Why?"
"Actually I went to that pandal you told me about and asked if I could contribute in any way for the pooja tomorrow.. they told me what I could do and I volunteered to make modaks for the prasad, since I had to make some for our house pooja anyway.. I did the right thing na?" she asked a little hesitantly.
"Yeah sure, nothing wrong in it," he replied, sitting down next to her. She handed him one modak. "Taste and tell if it is alright."
He ate it quietly. "It's delicious but I think you should stuff it a bit more." Archana nodded. "Do you need any help? 101 is a little too much.."
"No I guess I will finish it by myself. I will make some karanji as well."
"Hmm.. Archana will you not be making Ukadiche modak?" he asked, referring to the special variety which is steamed instead of being fried.
Archana raised her eyebrow. "Why?"
"No, like this only I was asking.. Aai usually makes it every year.. she knows I like it." He trailed off.
She understood. "I'm not very confident in that variety, I thought I would make the one which I know well since I have to make a large number, but I will make some ukadiche modak separately for you.."
"Arey no.. I was saying like this only.."
"It's okay na.. I will make some.. not such a big problem.. just be a little tolerant since this will be the first time I will be making it without my Aai by my side.." She smiled at him.
He gave a small smile back, picking up another modak, but she hit him on the hand. "No more now, this has to be offered to God first." She said sternly. "Why are you early today?"
"Um.. nothing.. just felt restless. Thought I would also go and help in the pooja celebrations for tomorrow to divert my mind." He said. "I'll go and freshen up. Did Aai say anything to you regarding all this?"
"No, she's been in her room for most of the day."
He walked out and she continued making modaks. He went straight to the bathroom and threw water on his face vigorously, hoping it would help him calm down a little. He came out towelling his head and face and sat down on the bed, trying to think.
**************
Someone tapped him on the shoulder. Manav opened his eyes.
"What happened?"
Archana was looking at him uncertainly. "I have been calling you for quite sometime now." She said. "Where are you?"
He shook his head a little. "Yeah, I might seem a little disoriented to you now.. just tired I guess."
He straightened himself up as Archana sat next to him.
"Something is wrong." She said. "What is it?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing will come out of staying all bottled up. Please share with me.."
"It's nothing Archana.."
She still sat near him, looking at him, waiting for him to stay something. Finally Manav gave in. He told her about Manohar Baba's visit and all that he had said. He spoke for a long time, filling on every detail and later about his talks with Tarun. He told everything about how people felt separating from the family was the best option as of now.
"It keeps you safe from Aai, it avoids fights of any kind, it will help things settle down slowly- is what everyone is saying to me, especially cos things are bad between me and Aai also." He concluded, and looked at her. "If I remember right you told me that you also wanted to talk to me of separation earlier, owing to Aai's behavior earlier, right?"
Archana nodded.
"So I guess you are also on Baba and Tarun's side.." he said. 'I'm not sure." Said Archana. "That was during our divorce hearing. The situation is different now."
He wondered what she meant. They sat silently for some time, then finally he spoke. "So what do you think ought to be done?"
"Um.. before I say that.. I want to know what you want."
"Fine." Said Manav. "I agree with Tarun and Baba that it is a sensible option to keep peace. Your presence instigates Aai more. She is sober now for a bit bcos she is still scared after the complaint, but she can get nasty. She did get nasty yesterday also.. and considering the kids are upset and angry about the complaint, it would be better for us to stay away and retain the relationship, whatever is left of it, rather than let more hatred build in.. then later they will slowly start understanding everything hopefully.. even I and Aai have problems between us now.. and.. I guess this solution somehow keeps everyone happy.. or satisfied at least- I know the kids won't be happy to see me separating but I can always maintain contact with them I guess, and.."
"I'm not asking what is the best option for everyone or what is right." Archana repeated. "I'm asking what YOU really want."
"Huh?" Manav was a little confused. "How does it matter about what I want?"
"So you agree that this is not what you want."
"I want the solution that is best for all of you- emotionally, practically and.."
"What about yourself?"
Manav fell silent. He looked down and did not say anything for some time.
Archana observed him. "So you do not want to separate.."
He could not look up. "It is not an easy job to arrange for another accomodation. That too at this time. I'm saving money desperately for the hospital expenses and the garage repairs, and now this.. even for a one room house we will have to pay a deposit.. not to mention the furniture and other basic stuff.. then again we have to go around searching for a suitable house.. either I will have to use up the money I have already saved or will have to take money from others- Tarun maybe.. but how much can I possibly take from him.. and I don't want to take money from your people for a house- it will be Vinod and Manjusha paying eventually.. I'd rather sleep on the road.."
Archana listened to everything quietly. "If it was only about financial expenses, I would have volunteered to sell off my jewellery." She said. "But I know it's not just about financial expenses.."
He looked up hesitantly for a minute. She stared at him in the eye, as if daring him to speak. Finally he looked down again. It was no point pretending in front of her, he thought. She knew what was in his heart.
"I don't want to leave this house." He confessed. "It maybe the right decision for everyone- you, Aai, kids- it somehow takes care of everyone's sentiments as well as safety, but somehow.. I don't know.. I feel I will be losing Vedant and Vandita.. Aai has already forced Sachin to think that I don't care about all of them, this is what Sachin kept shouting while leaving the house.. now the kids will see it coming true when they see me leaving the house.. I can even accept that one day they might understand facts about the jailing issue and not hate you, but I don't know if they will understand the circumstances which are forcing us to take such a stand of separation, even if I try to explain to them, years later they will grieve that at that difficult moment, I ultimately chose a 15 day marriage over them, their security. And somewhere I will also feel that they are right. Plus, I really don't want to leave them alone with Aai- Baba now. Somehow I don't trust Aai at all now. I know it is difficult for me to be with Aai, just looking at her reminds me of everything that happened and how she backstabbed me, but still.. I want to be with my family, cos I know they won't be able to manage without me all of a sudden. They look upon me as the pillar of the house. As it is, Sachin is not there. If he was there, it would have helped, but now how will the twins manage everything alone.."
"And you already have your surgery coming up, like any other person, you would want to have your family with you for emotional and moral support." Said Archana. Manav did not say anything.
"And you do not want more stress of looking for another house, figuring out finances to get a new house, shifting, convincing Vedant Vandita, explaining things to them, reasoning with Aai- Baba and so on, especially when you have enough problems to occupy you right now." Archana sighed. "Okay, so I'm ready with my views now. I don't think we should separate."
He looked up at her with astonishment.
"What happened?" she asked. "Why are you looking at me in that manner.."
"How can you base your decision just on the basis of what I want? What about the rest of the people.. how can you think just about how it affects me.."
"Bcos right now YOU ARE PRIORITY." She said simply. "Everytime you keep thinking of what is good for everyone in the house and make 100 compromises for the same. But not this time. It may be the sensible option, but I can see you will be worst affected in this scenario from every aspect. I can see how stressed you already are and I have no intention to burden you any more. It seems almost inhuman to me."
"That is okay.. I will handle it.."
"Your 'I will handle it' answer does not gel in every situation." said Archana boldly. Manav looked up in surprise. Archana gave a small understanding smile. "Manav, you CANNOT handle it. You are a mere mortal like everyone else, not a superman. Why are you running away from the very obvious fact that in all this YOU will be worst affected- ethically, emotionally and logically- caught between family and wife and being made to choose one, that too at a time when it should actually be the other way round- family and wife should be supporting and helping you. You have always given priority to others and made so many adjustments for them, it's time others made a few adjustments for you to help the situation. I know no one loves me in this house, heck, I know no one WANTS me in this house. But only for you I am still here. And only for your sake I hope others help in keeping peace in the house. I don't ask everyone to come and hug me or fuss over me or love me, but at least we can all live cordially in the same house ignoring each other, if required, till at least this dark spell gets over, till at least you get better? Am I expecting too much here?"
"No." said Manav quietly. "But I don't know if others will cooperate. For all we know, there will be fights everyday. And I don't know how long I can take it now and then Aai.."
He had such a tired expression on his face that it wrung Archana's heart. "Look Archana," he continued. "You are a very nice person. I might have disagreed with you many times, I did not like it when you came back to the house also, but I have always maintained that you are a very selfless person. I call you softhearted, emotional etc. but you also know that I admire these qualities in you. You are a picture of positivity and innocence even in these difficult times. And innocence has to be protected." He looked away for a minute. "Archana, I don't want to leave this house, but then again, if Aai does something to you in her anger.." Archana put her hand on Manav's lips. "No let me speak. I don't trust Aai now. I don't want you to suffer bcos of her- mentally too. That is why I feel it would be best if you just go back to your home. It is the best thing for everyone, there is no point in making so many compromises when the marriage is anyways so unstable. Archana, you do not know it, but I have been seeing you from 3 years and always felt bad that God made you unhappy and never rewarded you for your goodness, rather your goodness made you suffer. I would not be able to bear it if you suffer while trying to help me. Trust me, there shall be nothing worse or more painful to me than to see MY Archana suffering cos of ME. Please don't put me through this, I beg of you."
He looked very desperate and she was very moved especially when he said 'MY Archana'. Manav's love for her shone even when he tried to hide it. He kept saying he didn't want this marriage and so on, but she could see the love was still there- the embers were still glowing orange and smouldering, even if subdued. She held his hand. "Manav, trust me, I shall not be suffering. I know you are there for me, and will take care of myself, even against Aai. When I came to this house, I came with the intention of restoring happiness, not to create more suffering for myself, yourself or anyone else. I came back cos I wanted to stay happy- with you. And just the fact that I'm with you gives me more peace than I ever had in those days when I was dreading the divorce. I came by my own will, you did not call me back, rather you wanted me to go back when you came to know of Aai mistreating me. Yet, if I decide to stay with you and in this marriage, then it is MY responsibility to take care of myself, you shouldn't have to make compromises for me. In fact, I think this same thing applies to everyone- if they do not want to help in improving the situation, then they shouldn't ask you to compromise to improve the situation."
"But.."
"See Manav, it is very easy to say that things are irrepairable, and get away in the hope of restoring peace- but honestly it will not lead to anything. This is mere shortsightedness. Today it is a matter of convenience, but tomorrow it shall haunt us, if relations get destroyed. And I'm not speaking just about me and you. I'm speaking about everyone. I do not appreciate that both of us should get separated from each other, and similarily I do not appreciate that both of us should get separated from your family. Here I agree with what you said that you personally feel it may not be the right decision. These difficult times have to be fought, we cannot keep running from them- short cuts maybe convenient but are not always right. You were always a fighter, what happened to you?
"Out of steam, I guess." Said Manav sadly. Archana held his hands. "When one person falls weak in a relationship, the other one must be strong- else no relationship can survive. I understand you are gone through enough, that is why I'm telling you- for a change trust me that I will be your better half and help you out. I won't disappoint you."
He did not say anything. "Manav, I think we are hurrying way ahead and trying to find solutions. Let's see how the scenario shapes up ahead, and take steps accordingly. We have yet to see how Vedant Vandita will be reacting to all this if we try and explain everything to them.. again Sachin might side with us if he gets to know the truth.."
"I don't know.. a police complaint is a big thing.. and even though you didn't make it but it did come from your house.. Aai is their mother.. come on."
"But your Baba did support me, remember? Depends on the way we talk to everyone about it, I think we should wait before taking any decision, else we might end up walking into another pothole. Please do think about it." She said. Manav nodded. They sat silently for a while, then Manav straightened up. "You go and finish your kitchen work." He said. "It's better to divert the mind from all this."
She protested, but he forced her to go. She got up and went into the kitchen. Manav watched her as she walked away. Her words still reverberated in his mind- YOU ARE PRIORITY. He felt weird as he thought about it again and again. How many years had it been since HE had been made the priority in a difficult situation and people had compromised for him for a change? He couldn't remember. All these years, others had been priority. From something like shopping for new clothes in festivals, to a decision as big as this- all his decisions were made after ethical, emotional and logical weighing, on what would be right for his family, wife and other people, about what they wanted. He never gave priority to himself or to his limitations, the stress he had to undergo, his feelings- anger, disappointment and so on, for fair or foul reasons. If he ever did that, someone or the other used to give him a guilt trip and he would start feeling bad all over again. It had occurred umpteen times in the past. The result was that he was- as Fanny Ma'am used to tell him- last on his own priority list. He had stopped listening to what he wanted.
Today for the first time, someone had made him feel that he also DID MATTER- that he mattered enough for others to make some adjustments for a change. He didn't know why but it made him feel different. It felt.. nice.
He sighed and gazed out of the bedroom window. He could see people decorating the pandal for the Ganpati celebrations the next day. Little children were running about with coloured paper and flower strings, and the elders were telling them how and where to fix it. Someone was doing the last minute lighting work, someone else was checking out the speaker connections. The chawl was pulsating with the blaring noise of the speakers now, while people grumbled.
A small smile crept to his lips. He always liked the Ganpati celebrations and took part in them avidly every year. This was one time of the year he always looked forward to. A social festival, it made everyone come out of the shell and pray to the Lord together. The chawl became a spectacle of devotion and fun at the same time.
This year too, he would be there, he knew it, but didn't know to what extent. He was so busy with managing his problems that such light hearted festive moments seemed out of his reach, even when they were so near to him. Ever since the police complaint had taken place, he had not talked much to their neighbours in the chawl, in the fear of facing embarassing questions. He felt awkward each time he noticed someone whispering about him. Ah well- he thought, at least Archana was trying to maintain relations in the chawl. Aai and the others had reduced interaction with the chawl dwellers ever since the police complaint.
She strode in at that moment. "Manav, can we go to the main market?"
"Now? I thought you had work.."
"That I can finish at night, but if we go to the market later, it will get very crowded and we won't even get fresh stuff at night.."
Her reasoning seemed correct. "Come, we'll go on the bike then. I'll get the keys and start taking it out. Come down quickly." He walked out into the dining room.
Archana stopped for a moment before the mirror instead of following Manav out straightaway. She opened her hair and set it right again, and corrected her sari. She looked at Manav's reflection in the mirror- he was hunting for his slippers. Her heart felt light as she saw him. She had purposefully suggested the trip to the market right now. He was feeling depressed due to problems at home and work, and a few moments of escape would do good to him, she thought. He really needed something to get diverted from thinking about everything again and again and get back to normalcy, and she saw the Ganpati puja as a good opportunity for doing just that. After all, wasn't there just a hint of enthusiasm each time he told her about the celebration in the chawl, or how they celebrated in the house, or talked about the modaks and so on?
The market was unduly crowded that evening, when Archana and Manav reached on the bike. People were running from shop to shop, finishing last minute purchases for the big festival the next day. Agitated shopkeepers kept shouting at the top of their voices to make themselves heard amidst the mass of humanity surrounding them. Little children hurried along with their parents, holding their fingers.
"Careful." Said Manav, as a bike nearly hit Archana. "Let's go to that shop, I know the shopkeeper, he will get our work done quickly."
He led her to a large shop bustling with customers, the attendants and helpers going crazy at the noise and the crowd. On the chair sat a fat man with a Nehru topi.
"Namaste Kaka!" said Manav. The shopkeeper's eyes lit up. "Kasha ahe Manav? (How are you?) I was just wondering why your family did not come for shopping! Savita Tai comes every year.. where is she now, I can't see her.."
He craned his neck to look out for her. Manav felt embarassed.
Archana spoke up. "Kaka, when I'm there this year, why should Aai run about so much, haan?" she said with a warm smile. A wide smile was what she got in response. "Give me your list, I will get one of the boys to get everything quickly."
"You wait outside," said Archana to Manav. He shook his head. He knew many dirty men used this crowd and such occasions to their advantage.
A while later, they came out of the shop, and as Archana bargained for flowers, Manav stared at the road. Many people were dragging the idol of Ganesha on a cart, accompanied by bursting of crackers, music and throwing gulaal (coloured powder) in the air. He folded his hands in reverence, then craned his neck to have a good look at the crowd. He always liked to see people dancing- everyone let loose their inhibitions and danced on such a day while welcoming the Lord.
"I'm done." Said Archana. She saw him looking out at the road with an amused expression. "What happened?"
"Nothing." He smiled. "I always like to watch people dancing while welcoming the idol of Ganesha home. It's very entertaining- and the energy and music pumps up your enthusiasm. Some of it is funny too, like that one."
He pulled her by the elbow to the side to show two young boys dancing like snakes, with their hands raised above their heads like hoods. Archana tried to stifle a giggle.
"That one is funnier." She pointed out a man who was apparently doing only one step again and again- an act of throwing a rope above his head. Both giggled again.
"All the same it is nice to watch them." Said Manav taking the shopping bag from her hand. "They dance cos they enjoy it and to welcome the Lord. They don't think how it looks- I think this is very pure type of dance too- they dance from their soul.." he looked back at the 'naagin' dance of the two guys. "Even when they are dancing like snakes."
Archana giggled again and was pleased when he smiled widely too. They walked to the parking lot together, and Archana couldn't help looking at Manav again and again. She noticed that Manav looked so much more relaxed now, when he was outside home, amidst these strangers celebrating a festival. How she wished that the Deshmukh home could also one day become a place that would genuinely give a bit of pleasure and peace to Manav, rather than being a ring for fights and tension.
"What happened?" he asked.
She shook her head. "It always feels so nice to see you smiling." She said candidly. "You have a very nice smile Manav, it makes others feel light.."
"Aww.. comeon.." said Manav, shying away at the praise.
"No I mean it!" she persisted. "Your smile makes one feel better with life.. it makes one feel that things will get alright, with the events happening lately, I felt as if you had forgotten to smile.."
Manav fell serious again. Archana lifted his cheeks from both sides, much to his amusement. "You should keep smiling, Manav!" She told him. "You look nice that way. And there are many people who are happy when YOU are happy. Try and be happy for them."
He didn't know how to react to her last two sentences, so he grinned it off. "You are saying in the same serious tone that my doctor says- You should take your medicines, Manav!"
She smiled at herself as they looked at the road while walking to the parking lot. "I just need some time." He told her. "I need some time to settle down. Things have been too stormy for the last few days, I seem a bit harried to you, I know, but don't worry, I will be okay by myself. I've faced it before. I didn't break down at that time, I don't think I will break down now. As I find solutions to these problems, I will start becoming my usual self. You said it right- we all need to give ourselves and each other, some time and space to sort ourselves out."
"And I'm with you all the time.. please don't forget that." She piped in. "Manav, I have been thinking.."
He looked at her in surprise. "About what?"
"I was thinking of visiting Lal Bagh Cha Raja. (Lal Bagh's king) this year. You know how it is believed.."
"Hmm.. I know.." replied Manav quietly. Laal Bagh was one of the most important places in Mumbai during Ganpati Puja. Every year, the pandal in that area set up one of the biggest and grandest idols of Ganesh, and millions of devotees stood in long lines for darshan. The poorest of the poor and the richest of the rich visited the place every year.
"I will go and pray for everything to be alright again." She said simply. "We are trying our best, so God will definitely support us, I feel, if we reach out honestly to him."
"Don't go there alone," he said, starting the bike, "I will come along with you, I go there every year anyway."
"And it will be good too." Archana continued. "We are trying to start a new chapter anyway, make a fresh effort- and it is said that whenever you start some new job, you should always take Ganpati Bappa's blessings. The job always goes well. I'm sure things will settle well from here." Archana thought silently for a little while. "I think we should focus only on the garage, our financial issues and your illness right now. Pondering and worrying about family members and making decisions beforehand won't help. Let's see how the situation unfolds. I shall have to handle Aai by myself now."
"You won't be able to handle Aai alone." Manav remarked. He knew his Aai well by now.
"I will, trust me!" she said earnestly. Manav simply shook his head. She knew that everyone- her Baba, Manav, her Aai- all felt that she was weak and could not handle Savita Aai. But inwardly she had prepared herself mentally to tackle Aai on her own ever since she had come back, knowing Manav could not be with her 24 hours a day. Somewhere, she knew that tolerating Aai's behavior would be abetting her. And that would not only be bad for her, but would make her loved ones- Manav, Baba, Aai, more unhappy and worried.
As they drove home, they saw many other Ganpati idols. Each chawl and each area had tried to outdo each other during Ganesha Chaturthi by trying to make larger, more innovative and unique idols. One idol that they saw showed Ganpati Bappa sitting on the ICC Cricket World Cup, dedicated to India's World Cup Victory. Another seemed to have taken inspiration from Anna Hazaare's latest campaign. Finally, they reached their home. Here too, they encountered the dancing chawl inhabitants, the gulaal being thrown in the air, the loud music, the fireworks.. and Bappa! His large idol towered over them, making them feel small and insignificant. As they alighted and Manav pulled the bike amongst the crowd, Manav saw Vandita looking longingly at her friends dancing with the rest of the people. Through his eyes, he signalled her to join them. She hesitated for a bit, then looked back to see if Aai would say anything. He gestured her not to worry about Aai and join her friends. He himself saw the men of the chawl struggling to put the idol at its place in the pandal. "I'll go help them." He told Archana, who nodded and took the shopping bag from him.
Both Manav and Archana took a minute to stare at the scene before them- the hustle and bustle, the joy, the devotion, the constant chants of Ganpati Bappa Mourya, the spirit of celebration, the beauty and liveliness of our festivals, which have the power to pull every person out of his doom and invoke life again, festivals which make us bond with the community, our own people, and remind us that at the end of the day we are all one big family- Vasudev Kutumbakam. Not to forget the magnanimous and overwhelming presence of the Lord, now in their midst, which made one feel strangely comforted and hopeful- the same type of peace that a little child gets on being reunited with his mother.
It was a time to rejoice. It was a time to hope. It was a time to welcome, since Vighnaharta (solver of problems) Ganpati Bappa was here again!
XXX
Waiting for your comments and feedback guys. I will PM later, I've got to run now, posted this part with a lot of difficulty. Happy Diwali to everyone!
Tum Se Tum Tak
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