*From To Sathish*-Sathish's new movie Info & Pics pg20! - Page 93

Russ and Sam, two friends, very old and frail, met in the park every day to feed the birds, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ,but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! -- there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, "For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?"
Russ replied, "I was in jail."
"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Russ said, "you know Sue, that cute sexy little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?"
"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"
Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'."

"The damn judge gave me 30 days for lying under oath."

A man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."

"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her and loved her deep in my heart."

"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth two points."

"Two points!?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."

"Terrific!" says St. Peter. "That's certainly worth a point."

"One point!?!! Well, I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."

"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.

"Two points!?!! Exasperated, the man cries, "At this rate the only way I'll get into heaven is by the grace of God."

"Bingo! 100 points! Come on in!"

"Sorry.

Sorry means you feel the pulse of other people's pain as well as your own, and saying it means you take a share of it. And so it binds us together, makes us trodden and sodden as one another. Sorry is a lot of things. It's a hole refilled. A debt repaid. Sorry is the wake of misdeed. It's the crippling ripple of consequence. Sorry is sadness, just as knowing is sadness. Sorry is sometimes self-pity. But Sorry, really, is not about you. It's theirs to take or leave.

Sorry means you leave yourself open, to embrace or to ridicule or to revenge. Sorry is a question that begs forgiveness, because the metronome of a good heart won't settle until things are set right and true. Sorry doesn't take things back, but it pushes things forward. It bridges the gap. Sorry is a sacrament. It's an offering. A gift."
Craig Silvey, Jasper Jones

Indian & American



An Indian and an American are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The American asks if he would like to play a fun-game.
The Indian, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The American persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice versa."
Again, the Indian declines and tries to get some sleep.

The American, now worked up, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5,and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500."
This gets the Indian 's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

The American asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The Indian doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the American.

"Okay," says the American, "Your turn."
So the Indian asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The American thinks about it. No answer.

Puzzled, he takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer!
He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers.
Checks the input. All to no avail!

Finally, a long time later, he wakes the Indian and hands him $500.
The Indian thanks him and turns back to get his sleep.

The American, more than a little miffed, stirs the
Indian and asks,"Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the Indian reaches into his purse, hands the American $5,
and goes back to sleep!

WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKED FOR A RHYME WITH
THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE


My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your sister.


Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!


My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?


My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts tequila, one part lime

Hot and Cold Sex

After an examination, the doctor said to his patient: 'You appear to be in good health.
Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'
'In fact, I do.' said the old man. "After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly;
and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."
When the doctor examined his wife a short time later he said, 'Everything appears to be fine.
Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband mentioned an unusual problem.
He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time;
and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?'
"Oh, that crazy old coot'' she replied.
"That's because the first time is usually in June, and the second time is in December."

The Blonde's Last Ride


This is the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day:
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead.
And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it.
I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine!
Now give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
"O.K." says the voice from the tower.
"Repeat after me: Our Father. . . Who art in Heaven. . . .."

The difference between sex, super sex and love...good one...

Girl asks her mother: What is sex?

Mother: Sex is when you stop a car driven by a man who offers you a meal in a restaurant, and then you spend some time with him in the hotel room, sleep with him once, and then each one go on his way and you have a hundred dollars bill extra in your pocket.

Then the girl asks her mother: What is Super Sex?

Mother: Super sex is when you stop a limousine driven by Chauffeur and a stylish man is sitting in the back who takes you to a luxurious villa, gives you a sumptuous meal with distinctive Caviar...and then you spend the night together in bed and engage in sex more than once, and then you part with an envelope containing a thousand dollars in your pocket.

And then the girl asks her mother: What is love?

Mother: Love is a lie invented by men so that they can have sex with you for free.

This is one of the best explanations of why God allows pain and suffering that I have seen...


A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed.
As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation.
They talked about so many things and various subjects.
When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said:
"I don't believe that God exists."

"Why do you say that?" asked the customer. "Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn't exist.
Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people?
Would there be abandoned children?

If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain.
I can't imagine a loving God who would allow all of these things."
The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he didn't want to start an argument.
The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop.

Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard.
He looked dirty and unkempt. The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber:
"You know what? Barbers do not exist."
"How can you say that?" asked the surprised barber.
"I am here, and I am a barber. And I just worked on you!"
"No!" the customer exclaimed. "Barbers don't exist because
if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside."

"Ah, but barbers DO exist! That's what happens when people do not come to me."
"Exactly!" affirmed the customer. "That's the point! God, too, DOES exist!
That's what happens when people do not go to Him and don't look to Him for help.
That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world."