FF: Ankahee | Thread 1| Chapters 1-33 - Page 39

Denial

Madhu collapsed on the ground. Sideways, crouched up in a fetal position, she lay there. Nothing moved. Not a single whisper escaped her mouth. Not a single tear fell. The world froze, and Madhu lay there, numb, staring at nothing.

Words. Words echoed in her mind over and over.

"...do you love me?" "I don't know..."

"...we were not meant to be..."

"I cannot do this..."

"I don't know..."

Words that had caused the world she lived in to collapse. Words that had destroyed everything she was holding on to, until a moment before. Her faith in life, her self-worth, her reason to live. All those things that words themselves - different words - had given to her in the first place. Words from a different time.

"...what would you do if I told you that I, Rishabh Kundra, am already truly, madly, deeply in love with you Madhubala Malik..."

"would you give me a chance...would you give yourself a chance...?"

Words that mocked her. Words that laughed at her for her foolishness in believing in them.

"...He loves me. He loves me more than I love him. He loves me more than anyone can ever love me. I have full faith in my love and in my RK..."

Hours passed. Madhu lay there, unmoving, like a lifeless corpse, drowning in the echoes of words that represented all she had been left with.

"...do you love me?" "I don't know..."

**********************

Madhu woke up all of a sudden. She was still lying there, in exactly the same position as she had fallen over sixteen hours ago. At some point, the hallows in her mind had caused her brain to shut down and she fell asleep. In her sleep, she was falling into an abyss. A vast dark nothingness, but she didn't seem to hit the ground. Until she woke up, sweating, and looked around her. She was alive. She sat up.

Her eyes went to a wrapped present that lay on her table. Rishabh! She remembered. Rishabh's birthday was on Saturday! When was that? What day was today? Monday? There were only five days! And so much left to do. Madhu had been planning Rishabh's birthday party for a long time now. She had booked a club, sent invites to all his friends, bought him a present. But she still needed to call people to remind them, buy herself a dress, arrange for the cake...her mind - or rather, just that one part of her mind - was rattling...there was so much to be done and so little time! She started looking for her phone, when she saw, next to her, on the ground, her phone was lying in pieces. A moment later, events from last night rushed back to her.

"No!" she screamed, her first visible reaction since the phone call. No, this couldn't be happening, her mind told her. No, she had heard it wrong. No, this couldn't be true.

She got up, picked her phone and assembled it back.

A text message: "Sorry."

Madhu's brain raced, "RK! RK said sorry! Obviously, he didn't mean what he said. He was just disturbed. He couldn't have. I am so stupid. He might have called me back! I need to tell him I am not angry. That everything will be ok again."

She called RK. The phone kept ringing, but nobody picked up. She tried again. And again. On the fourth try, Rishabh picked up the phone.

"Madhu"

"Rishu...Rishu...I am sorry Rishu...I didn't see my phone. I am sorry. I didn't get your message. I will make everything ok again. I.." Madhu was blabbering when RK cut her off.

"Madhu. Madhu! I didn't send any message. And things...things can't go back. There's nothing you can do." Madhu suddenly fell silent.

RK continued, "Please don't make this harder than it already is Madhu. I know you're hurt. But this is better for both of us. I don't want you to be with me and be hurt all the time. I am sure you can find more happiness without me. You're a strong girl."

"No RK. I am not. I am not a strong girl. I don't even know who I am if you are not with me."

"Madhu please..."

"Rishu...please...are you sure you want this?"

"Yes."

Silence.

"Bye Madhu. Take care." RK eventually said and hung up the phone.

The tears which had stayed away so far, finally came. And drowned her as she sank into the bed.

Anger

Madhu woke up at 445 am and stepped into the washroom. She looked into the mirror and could not recognize the person she saw. She washed her face and stared at her reflection. A wave of disgust for the person in the mirror took over her. It was her. The dirty, evil, petty, unlovable parts of her that had taken over herself so that even Rishabh could no longer bear to be with her. Just like her mother could never bear to see her. She had single-handedly destroyed everything - pushing him hard until he eventually fell out of love. He hated her, and why wouldn't he? She hated herself too. Her mother hated her too. And yet, here she was - resilient, alive, thick-skinned.

She went into the kitchen to drink some water - she hadn't eaten or drank anything for over 36 hours and her throat was parched. Anger and self-loathing kept bubbling within her and in frustration, she broke the glass, then fell down to the kitchen floor.

Pieces of broken glass were all around her. She picked up one and pressed it into her hand. At first a little softly. Then harder. Then harder still, until blood gushed out. Until her numb nerves woke up to the pain.

Physical pain was much easier to deal with than the pain within her at this point, and a welcome distraction.

Hours later, she walked into her office. She had missed a day of work without informing anyone already, but this morning she could no longer bear to stay home. She was looking for a distraction, an escape from the hollow within her that was devouring her. She sat at her desk, her hand heavily bandaged, and tried to work, but couldn't concentrate. She kept making mistakes, and kept getting angrier at it.

Her assistant handed her a cup of coffee, and that reminded her of Vikram. Vikram. All of a sudden, she wanted to laugh. What would Vikram say if he knew how right he was. RK didn't love her. Probably never loved her. Or maybe he did, but she had managed to kill it. She had told Vikram with so much confidence he was wrong. She decided to go to him and let him revel in the happiness of saying "I told you so." She deserved that slap in the face.

But Vikram was not at his desk. She asked his assistant, who told her that he hadn't come to work. In fact he had taken the week off, citing some family emergency, and probably gone to his parents. Hearing Vikram's assistant made Madhu think of Vikram's mother. She considered calling Vikram. Then stopped. What could she give him? Concern? Condolence? What did she have that she could give anyone? It was good she had driven Vikram away before it was too late. She was a curse. An evil shadow on anyone's life she touched. Unworthy of attention, friendship or love.

She started to walk back towards her seat, when the world suddenly went black and she fainted.

Bargaining

When she regained consciousness, a doctor was checking her up. Several people from the office were around. She felt ashamed for creating a scene. The doctor said her blood pressure had tanked and asked her to eat something and rest. Mr Sinha, her boss, immediately asked her to take his personal car and go home and rest for some days. She looked like hell, and everyone could see that.

Even though Madhu refused, Mr Sinha insisted couple of her colleagues to go with her in the elevator and to the car. Flanked with her assistant and another colleague, Madhu stood in the lift as it traveled down the thirty floors to the basement parking.

"Madhu!" A familiar voice greeted her as the elevator stopped on the 15^th floor. Madhu looked up, it was Ria.

"What's wrong? You look unwell. I didn't know you worked in this building."

"Ria..." Madhu faintly spoke, unsure what to say. Ria walked closer to her.

"I had a lunch meeting on the 15^th floor. You know MK Associates? ...What's wrong Madhu?"

"She is not well. So we are helping her get home." Her assistant spoke up.

"Oh God! What happened?"

"She fainted. The doctor said low BP."

"Oh shit! Why didn't you call anyone? Do you mind if I take her home? I am her friend Ria...I have my car."

"Sure. I suppose that's ok. Madhu ma'am?" Madhu's assistant asked.

"Hmm." Was all Madhu said.

Ria was worried. Throughout the car ride Madhu didn't speak much. She looked really weak and lost. On the other hand, Madhu felt exhausted. She neither had the energy to talk, nor the words. What should she tell Ria? What could she? Did she know that RK broke up with her? Maybe not, considering the way she talked. Could she tell her? Maybe not. She was her friend, but she was RK's friend first. If he hadn't told her...Besides, now that Madhu was no longer a part of RK's life, could she still be friends with RK's friends? Probably not. She probably didn't deserve them either. If only, if only she could do something...

Ria helped Madhu get in bed, then asked her if she had eaten her lunch and her medicines. Madhu lied.

"I am fine Ria. Thank you for helping me. I just need to rest."

"Okay. I will go then. Did you call RK or do you want me to call him?"

"No!..I mean...don't tell him. There's no need to bother him. I will call him later." Madhu said, but her eyes did not agree with her words. Ria eventually left, but she was bothered, so she shot a quick text to RK anyway.

Madhu was woken up with her phone ringing. It was Rishabh. Madhu's heartbeat raced. Why was he calling? Did he change his mind?

"Hello" Madhu answered.

"Hi."

"Hi RK." Could she call him Rishu now? Did she have the right?

"Umm..Madhu. Ria said... umm...Are you fine?" RK stuttered. Madhu grimaced. Why did Ria tell RK? Or maybe it was a good thing she did. Maybe RK was concerned. Maybe RK still cared for her!

"I am okay. Thank you for calling. I didn't know you still cared."

"I care Madhu. I am not a monster. We...we may no longer have a relationship, but we can still be friends."

Friends. Yeah, friends. That's where they started out right? Could she live with it? Could she have RK just as a friend? Was that not better than having none of him in her life? Like someone drowning in the sea, Madhu was clutching at straws here.

"Yes. We can be friends. We were always friends." After a pause, she asked, "How are you doing?" despite everything, she could still understand his mood from his voice. He wasn't exactly happy right now. Maybe, maybe he was suffering too.

"I am fine. I have my friends. I will be okay."

"Yeah..." RK's friends. Maya would be there, of course. Madhu's pain suddenly intensified.

"What about you?" RK asked.

"I am fine. I have friends too." Madhu lied.

"Okay" RK sounded a little relieved.

"RK? Can I ask you a favour?" Madhu suddenly asked.

"Yes" RK answered, half dreading what she would ask.

"It was supposed to be a surprise...but anyway, I had planned your birthday party for Saturday and I had already sent invites and everything to everyone, before...you know...So, umm, anyway, I am going to forward you the email with all the details, so you can take over. It's your wish, of course, if you want to cancel it, but...I would feel better if you celebrated anyway. All this...all this shouldn't spoil your birthday. Please promise me you wouldn't cancel the party."

RK was stunned. He only hummed in response. He had forgotten his birthday was three days away.

"Thanks."

"Thank you Madhu."

"Bye"

Even though Madhu was pleased with her self-control on that call, as the night deepened, her demons took over. Speaking to her RK had actually served as a reminder of what she had lost. She felt lonely, abandoned, unwanted. The night was an agony that ran well into the next day. She didn't go to work, but she finally ate something because she felt too weak to even stand up. The following night, she was staring at the photo frame RK had gifted her for her birthday and remembering the good times. The memories tugged at her. The birthday. The Neemrana trip. RK's laughter. Her body suddenly reminded her of another thing she'd lost. RK's touch. His kisses. The way he looked at her. How it felt in his arms. A real, physical pain at the bottom of the stomach grew.

She wanted him back. She wanted her RK's love back. What wouldn't she do, what wouldn't she give up, to get those moments again?

Weakened, she picked up the phone and called RK. He picked up after multiple rings.

"Hi RK."

"Hi Madhu. What happened, why did you call?"

Madhu was slightly startled. She hadn't thought of what she would say to RK. "umm..nothing. You said we were friends. Can't I miss a friend and call them?"

RK was silent. "Madhu..." he finally said "...don't do this to yourself."

"Why Rishu?" Madhu broke down. "I can't just be your friend. Why can't we give this one more try? I will do whatever you say. I will be good, I promise. I will do anything, anything if you give me another chance.."

"Madhu.."

Madhu begged. "Please RK...I can do anything...whatever you want...please. Tell me what do you want RK?"

"I...I want to be free."

Depression

Madhu was finally defeated. Her needs finally quieted down. She hung up the phone, then sent a text after a bit. "I am sorry. I lost it for a bit. I cannot do friends. But wouldn't bother you again, either. Sorry."

Finally, Madhu understood. As she stared into the darkness, she realized this is what she had gambled for when she had decided to let herself be completely vulnerable to RK. When she had consciously decided to manually over-ride her defenses, break every single rule she had formulated for herself, and decided to go all-in. She had done exactly that. She had given RK the power to rule her, to hurt her, to own her, to destroy her, and she had bet that he wouldn't do that.

And she had lost.

She knew the risks, she ignored them anyway. And she had lost.

She couldn't blame anyone for it. Not him. Not long distance. Not Maya. Not even destiny. She had herself made the call, and the consequences were hers to bear. She closed her eyes and let the tears wash her over. All she had ever wanted, all she still wanted, was RK's happiness. She had believed - falsely, at the time - that RK's happiness was with her. Now, it was clear it wasn't. She had to accept that. Anything else - her love, her feelings, her pain - didn't matter. Her love was never enough anyway. That's why it was rejected.

But where did that leave her? Probably nowhere. Why was she even alive?

A text message prevented her from completing the thought.

"I am sorry too. I want to be friends. Maybe we both need some time. And I will grant you the favor you asked, but on one condition. The party will happen only if all my friends come. Including you. Come for a bit"

A new thought came to Madhu. It wasn't exactly hope, though it stank of it. She wanted to see RK one last time. She wanted to see it in his eyes if he really was over her.

She wanted to know, for sure, that she had lost.

"Ok" she replied.

Acceptance

The party was at a club, one of RK's favorites. He liked the music, the energy - that is why Madhu had chosen it. By the time Madhu got there, the party was in full flow. She slipped in quietly, and found a corner. Her eyes met with Rohan and Ria, and she saw the questions, the concern in their eyes. Madhu didn't want to create a scene, so she averted her gaze. She wasn't here to cry or embarrass RK. She noticed Ria walking towards her, so she deliberately moved to another end.

She spotted RK too, but did not approach him. Her eyes followed him, as he saw him speaking to people. He probably looked normal, but Madhu's eyes recognized the lack of energy in his steps, the absence of his characteristic smile. Even though the lighting was dim, after a while, Madhu's and RK's eyes met and he walked towards her.

Madhu extended her hand to shake his hand. She couldn't hug him, could she?

"Happy birthday." She shook his hand. "Thank you. Thanks for coming. Did you have anything to drink?" Madhu looked into RK's eyes and saw a blankness. Before she could respond, the DJ announced it was time to cut the cake and called RK at the front. Madhu knew all this, she had planned all this, although she had imagined things going very differently. RK left, and Madhu deliberately slipped further back in an unlit corners. She didn't want anyone who didn't know to ask her to go stand with RK as he cut the cake.

There he was, she saw. Maya was next to him. Rohan wasn't, but Akash, Nitin and some others were. Madhu looked at RK and finally found a sense of peace. There was no space for her in his life. It was fine.

She had to accept it. It was time to leave.

Madhu had already exited the party hall and was almost out of the building when she heard RK call her behind her.

"Madhu wait...I couldn't find you..."

"Yeah...I need to leave now. I have somewhere else I should be." Madhu put on the best smile she could. "But happy birthday, have a great party." She said and hugged RK a little. It lasted the tiniest of moments, but she still wanted to savor it.

"Oh and I almost forgot, here's something for you." Madhu fished out RK's present from her purse and handed it to him, then turned and left as quick as she could, leaving RK stranded speechless at the door.

It was time to let go.

It must have been love but it's over now.

It must have been good but I lost it somehow.