I wrote this for myself...Ashutosh is the reason I watch this show and I cannot bear to see his character assassination. Am hoping against hope that KPji is not going down that road...
OS- My reason for being!
"What is the weather forecast like?"
Was it just this morning i asked her this question? The previous night's intimacy was still warm in my blood then. She had so generously drenched me in her love, without a thought to the hard day that she had had. I felt guilty asking her for it but could not help myself. Was I making up for forty years of celibacy? Was I getting addicted to the act? No, it was none of that. Or if it was addiction, then the name of the drug was Nidhi!
I find myself unable to live without the sweetness of her breath mingling with mine, our thundering heartbeats in perfect rhythm as we strive to take each other over and beyond. Petit mort, they call it. How apt is that? To die an ecstatic death before being reborn in your beloved's arms!
Instead of being drenched in each other's passion, both of us are now suffering in our own private hells! The morning had not forecast the calm before the thunderstorm! For that is what this is! A room that has of late been filled with the sounds of long drawn sighs and whispered endearments is now filled with an eerie silence. A silence that portends an oncoming storm! A storm that I know is coming but one that I have no hope of escaping.
She was not happy when I told her that I had to find Mallika a secure place to stay so as to put her out of Jagan's reach and hence danger. She did not like it even though she did not spell it out. I could sense it in the rigidity of her posture and the tightness of her facial muscles. Not that I blame her. How can I blame her for not wanting her husband getting involved in any way with a woman who had attempted to murder her in cold blood? She had been more than gracious in not wanting to press charges against Mallika, in forgiving me for all the cruelties I had heaped on her during that phase. I had virtually asked her to leave her own house in the dead of the night, accused her of attempting murder and believed my friend over her. Why did I believe Mallika over her? She has never asked me this question. I wish she had. I would have told her. I would have told her that I never imagined Mallika would try to kill her because Mallika knew that it would be akin to killing me. Mallika knew that Nidhi and Nidhi alone had become the reason for my being. How does a person survive the loss of the very reason for being? So, I thought Mallika would never harm her. I thought Nidhi might harm her not because I thought she was a wicked person. But again, I thought Nidhi loved me so much that she would stop at nothing to ensure that i would not be snatched away from her. If I were another kind of person, this should have given me a perverse kind of a kick. To be adored so much by two women. However, all it left me with was a kind of bitter aftertaste. That I had become reason for not one but two women to destroy themselves! Maybe my parents were right in shunning me at birth. Maybe I was a destructive influence who destroyed everything that I came in contact with! Maybe it was this disgust that prompted me to agree with Nidhi when she wanted to know if I also did not want her to stay. There was my righteous streak that wanted me to be above all emotion when it came to justice, when faced with what seemed like concrete evidence, and there was also this secret part of me that felt that maybe she was better off without me. When she came back that night, both parts rejoiced. Because her acceptance of guilt proved my judgment right and also maybe that I had not completely destroyed her after all. How stupid are we, revelling in our glorious vanities!
It was on the tip of my tongue to tell Nidhi that my concern was not just for Mallika but also her unborn child but she cut me off. She said she did not want to discuss the matter further as it would bring further conflict. She had said her bit and after this, it was for me to decide what to do. So saying, she had turned her back on me. While I adore my wife from head to toe, this part of her annoys me. Her wanting to put an end to all debate for fear of conflict! Why is she so afraid to debate? My puny oratorical skills are hardly a match for her quick wit and expressive nature.
I sigh even as i wonder what I should be doing next. I feel like laughing at myself. Why should I wonder? When there is this nasty righteous voice inside my head that calls out the cadence to which I should march! Why couldn't I have called the police, why couldn't I have called Aditya, why couldn't I have done any damn thing except getting involved with Mallika's mess? Very logical questions but ones that I have no answers to! Whenever I see Mallika, I hate her for the heartless witch that she was with Nidhi. My blood runs cold when I think of how she almost succeeded in harming Nidhi. The next moment I am also confronted with images of a woman whose life is under threat. Not just any woman but one with whom I have shared a twelve year friendship. A relationship that remained intact despite my rejection of her love. She chose to stand by me despite the fact that I broke her heart and caused her pain. She stood by me when I had no other shoulder to lean on. If I have been witness to her ugly phase, I have also known her at her giving best! And when those images come flooding into my mind, I can't help feeling torn. And then, there is another factor to consider as well. She is not just one life but two. She carries within her a life, an innocent life that has committed no crime and deserves the protection of humanity. A life that is under threat from its own father! I can't help feeling the connection. My parents were kind enough to let me live. Or maybe they did not have the guts and thought that stray dogs would complete the task that they left unfinished when they threw me in a garbage bin. A good Samaritan somewhere rescued me and put me in an orphanage. And yet another, good Samaritan took me from there many years later and gave me a home. Is it not time for me to return that favour that life did me? Should I not be to this child what an unknown man and Baba were to me? How is it this little child's fault? If it is its fault, then am i responsible for the cruelty of my parents and hence deserving of it?
If I leave Mallika to her devices, and if Jagan were to find her and harm her, will I not be an unwitting accomplice too? Is it not criminal to stand by and watch a crime being committed? If Mallika and her child were to die, would their blood not be on my hands too? Would I then not be in some way guilty of the same crime that we hated Mallika for? Even worse, for there are two lives at stake here!
What should I do? Should I respect my wife's emotions and leave Mallika to her own devices? Nidhi is my very life and betraying her is something I cannot even contemplate. But if I do what she wants, I will be guilty of a crime that i can never forgive myself for. What do I do then? God, why do you choose me to play your dirty tricks on all the time? Why should I be subject to all your experiments with moral dilemmas? Why can't I have a simple life like all others? Why can't I just live and love in peace and dream of a happy future with wife and kids? Why is this normal life that is the lot of most men not for me? Why have you cursed me this way?
Nidhi rolls over and moves closer to me, as if unconsciously seeking my warmth. I slide down on the bed and take her into my arms, She nestles closer, burrowing herself into my chest. God, please don't take this precious gift away from me ever! My life is not worth living without her. Give me the strength to share my dilemmas with her, give me the ability to share my concerns and conflicts with her. Now is not the time for all this thought anyway. My beloved needs to feel enveloped in my love as i do her. So I gather her even closer if that is possible and let myself fall asleep, wrapped in her blessed warmth!
Book Talk
Anupamaa
