Part 10
When Nidhi entered back in her office, she had a smile on her face. After several days!
Her behavior in the hospital had left her utterly confused. But soon she had to grudgingly accept that she was in love with Ashutosh. That urge to go to him to ask for advice, when she really didn't need it, the wait for his coffee invitation while working late night, the butterflies in her stomach with his slightest praise were not meaningless. At first it felt odd. He had been her teacher. So much older... But did these things matter, when you felt for someone? What feelings? She had felt this earlier and regretted it. History may repeat itself. She yearned for him, she wanted him and she felt... safe with him. But... Could she feel safe? Could she trust anyone? Could she trust her own judgment of people? She had chosen wrong people twice earlier in her life. And in the second instance, when she thought she had chosen a man she could look up to, he had turned out to be someone so manipulative that he was using her just to hide his homosexuality from his parents. When she confronted him, he had turned aggressive and had tried to harm her physically. She had moved out of the relationship quickly. But she had lost her confidence. She had decided to come back to India. She would be safe there, she had thought. With Mom around.
And now how safe was she? In loving and trusting Ashutosh? She was a bad judge of people, especially men. But even Mom liked Ashutosh. She was the one who had made him a part of their social life. She was the one who had called him for help when Nidhi had met with the accident. If Mom thought well of him, Nidhi could definitely trust him.
It was after resolving all her conflicts that she had stumbled upon the biggest question. What was the point of her feelings, unless they were reciprocated? And they could never be reciprocated, she was sure. She was too young, too immature for him to consider her seriously - as a lover, as a partner, as an equal! He patronized her all the time, protected her, guided her, helped her. He could never... She felt annoyed as she realized that. Annoyed with everything. With him, with herself, with the world! And all that annoyance had come out in front of Ashutosh that morning.
But! What a morning it was. Her smile grew broader as she recalled what she had heard him say. He was in love with her. Since the first time... What was he going to say? Since the first time he had seen her back? She blushed. She felt like she was floating. She was on the top of the world. She was so happy that she was oblivious to the state she had left Ashutosh in.
Then she noticed her finger nails. The nail polish, she had put on God knows how many days ago, had come off partially. 'Gosh! My nails look horrible,' she was suddenly conscious. Ever since she returned to India, she had not paid much attention to her grooming. 'I need to either put a fresh coat or get rid of them altogether,' she decided. She chucked the paper grading she had planned for the day and rushed back home. Once she was done with putting nail polish, she wondered for a moment about the lipstick; then decided against it. She looked around the house. Her mother was asleep. She often slept during the daytime these days. She decided that home was the most private place she had to talk to Ashutosh. Instead of calling him, she sent him an e-mail asking him if he could meet her at her home.
The half-an-hour that Ashutosh took to reach her home seemed like an eternity to her. Finally she heard the knock on her room's door. She opened it excitedly. It was him indeed.
"The maid said you were in your room. So, I thought I'll meet you here."
She stepped aside to let him in and shut the door behind him. Before he knew it, she rushed towards him and hugged him tight. Ashutosh was taken by surprise; he was almost shocked. He had been distressed since she had left his office earlier. What would she be thinking of him? He didn't even want to name that word. It didn't help when he found out from the security guard that she had left for home. When he had received her e-mail, he had agreed to come immediately, hoping to do some damage control. But this reaction baffled him. What did it mean? And what was she doing? Her being so close to him was not doing any good to his senses. He hadn't had a woman that close physically in years now. He didn't dare hug her back. Instead he touched her shoulders and gently pushed her away from him.
"Nidhi," she came back to her senses when he spoke, "What happened?"
"What happened?" she repeated looking at him with disbelief. What did he mean? Had he forgotten the morning's incident? Then she felt embarrassed. Probably she got over-excited. They hadn't even talked properly yet.
"I... I also... I mean..." she struggled to find right words for her emotions. Ashutosh had regained control by then.
"Nidhi. I had come here to say sorry and ask you to forget about what I said in the morning."
Nidhi was crestfallen, "Why?"
"This is just not right."
"Not right?"
"You are not a child Nidhi. But you are still young... Much younger compared to me. When I had first met you, you were just a seventeen year old. It almost feels perverse."
Nidhi was not sure if she was disappointed by his denial or affected by his argument about its perversity. It was a confused mix of both going through her mind, when another knock came on her door and Nandini entered, "Good that both of you are here. I wanted to talk to you. Can you come to my room after you have finished your work?"
They nodded and wondered if she had over-heard their conversation and wanted to talk about that. "We will come right away," Ashutosh said on an impulse and followed Nandini. An uncomfortable and lost Nidhi had to follow them.
When Nandini started speaking in her room, it made them even more uncomfortable, "Nidhi, there is something very important you need to know and I'm afraid you may not like it. That's why I have called the two of you together. Ashutosh is a good friend and a support for you..."
Ashutosh realized what she was going to talk about and tried to intervene, "Mrs. Verma. This may not be the best time."
But Nandini didn't agree, "Ashutosh. I have gathered courage with difficulty. Don't stop me now. She has to know sooner rather than later..."
"What is it?" Nidhi had grown anxious with their conversation, "Tell me please."
"Nidhi," Nandini leaned forward and held her hands. She could not look into her eyes and lowered them while speaking further, "I... I am suffering from breast cancer. It was discovered too late and cannot be treated now. I won't be with you for too long my child. And you must embrace this bravely."
Ashutosh was noticing the changes in Nidhi's facial expression and his heart cried at her pain. When Nandini finally looked up, she saw a colorless, horrified and stunned face. Her daughter was unable to even cry. She was sitting still in front of her in a state of shock.
"Nidhi..." Nandini almost cried and shook her. She blinked back her tears and looked at Ashutosh helplessly. "Try to help her, please," she pleaded to him and ran out of the room.
Nidhi was startled out of her stillness when she saw her mother running out. "Mom," she tried to cry out, but it barely came out as a whisper. Ashutosh came and sat in front of her. She looked at him with empty eyes.
"Don't bother about what Mom asked you to do. You can leave. I know you don't want to be here," she spoke bravely.
"That's not true Nidhi. Please try to understand me. Can we please keep this morning aside and talk like the friends we have become. Please."
The hope of his support made Nidhi give way. Her eyes filled with tears and she started sobbing. He held her, pulled her close and hugged her gently trying to comfort her. She wept for several minutes. He broke the hug when her sobs subsided and said, "I know that it's easier said than done. But nobody can help the situation. Not you, not your Mom. She is worried about you; really worried. If you can be brave and assure her that you will be all right, she would live peacefully. Otherwise she will feel guilty for the situation even though it's nobody's fault. Do you understand what I said?"
"You have known for a while?" she asked.
Ashutosh nodded.
"I don't know whether to be angry with you for not telling me; or to be grateful for being a support to Mom."
"You can do whatever you want to me. But right now, please go and speak to your mother. Please."
Nidhi nodded and got up to find her mother.
"I will go back to the office and wait for you there," he said as she left.
--
"Mom," Nidhi went and hugged his mother, who was standing silently in the garden.
"Are you all right, Nidhi?"
Nidhi could not control her tears, but she assured her, "I am fine Mom."
"I'm sorry for putting you through this. I wish..."
"Mom! Why are you saying sorry? What is your fault in this?" Nidhi spoke through her tears.
"Don't cry darling. Please."
"I won't. I promise. But I am really angry at you. Why didn't you tell me earlier? I never cared to ask after your health. And you even told Dr. Mathur before me?"
"There was a reason Nidhi. He is a nice, responsible and trust worthy man. You'd need a friend in times like this. I'm sure he can be the one."
Nidhi tried to appear normal through this, but she tried so hard that Nandini noticed.
"What is it, Nidhi?"
"What?"
"Something is wrong? You are not comfortable about something. Ashutosh?"
"Mom!" Nidhi was exasperated. Did she read her or what?
"Tell me Nidhi. Did he do something..."
"No. No Mom. He is a great person as you say. But I am so confused."
"Why?"
"Mom. I have always done it wrong. I have done it wrong in past. And probably I am doing it wrong again. Even inappropriate may be... I..."
"Go on."
"I think I'm in love with him. Is it wrong, Mom?"
"Wrong?"
"He is much older to me. I don't know..."
"Nidhi. There are certain things that are only there for the two people to know. If the two of you know it, my blessings and support are always with you. You must talk to him though."
"Really Mom? You are fine with this?"
"Love is a strange thing my dear. How it happens, what it feels is only for the two people in love to know. All the worldly wisdom falls flat in front of it. If I went looking for a groom for you, I would not look for someone his age. But that's not how love happens. You don't remember much about your father, do you?"
She nodded negatively.
"He could not speak."
"What?"
"He had lost the ability to speak during an accident in his childhood. But that did not stop him from doing anything in his life. Running his huge family business. And that did not stop me from falling in love with him," Nandini smiled dreamily and it reflected on Nidhi's face too. She went forward and hugged her Mom.
"But Nidhi. I feel scared for you too. If your love in one-sided, I wouldn't like you to break down. Knowing Ashutosh, I had hoped, he will be your friend and support after me. But if..."
"Mom. Please don't talk about things 'after you'. Please! Everything will be all right, won't it?"
Nandini nodded seeing her plead like that. Nidhi could not tell her mother that her fear was right in a way. He didn't want this relationship. She was going to be hurt. But Nandini's approval had put her mind at peace about her own feelings. There was nothing wrong with them!
--
Nidhi came back to the office and wondered how to start her day. She had to first meet Ashutosh, she decided.
"Come in," Ashutosh said on hearing the knock on his office door. He saw Nidhi walking in with two cups of coffee. She kept one in front of him.
"Thanks Nidhi."
"Thank you, Sir. You have been a great support to Mom and to me. We really appreciate it."
"There is no need to thank me."
"I will see you around," she said and left his office, not knowing what or how to talk to him. The two revelations of the morning had left her completely confused.
She was trying to put up a brave face, but once she came back to her office she realized that she was terrified. Since she had returned to India, she had let herself be a little girl again, feeling protected by her mother. And now that protection was going to go away. She'd be on her own once again. And this time Mom won't be there even at the other end of the phone or a 24-hour flight. What would she do? How will she live? How will she take any decisions in her life? And she had managed to complicate it all with Ashutosh, one person she could have talked to. What was her fault? Even Mom didn't think there was anything wrong with it. But he did. And if he did, she couldn't possibly force herself on him. But could she amend the relationship? At least the camaraderie they had come to share could be salvaged.
Ashutosh was confused and unsure after Nidhi left his office. What was he to do? Her mother expected him to support her. But when he had agreed to do that, he hadn't foreseen this complication coming up in their relationship. What should he tell her? How should he bring it all back to normal? He didn't want to lose her company. She was like a breath of fresh air in his otherwise stale, suffocated life. He wanted her around, he liked to hear her talk, he liked helping and advising her. All of this gave a meaning to life like something had never done before. But giving in to his heart's deepest desire, even if it was reciprocated by her, was not done. She was too young. It couldn't be good for her. Never. She might adventure into the relationship because her young blood encourages her to take risks. But it might shatter her later. The difference of age, of almost a generation stood between them. That can't be. But he can try amending the relationship. At least the camaraderie they had come to share could be salvaged. And then he could be there for her, when she needed him the most.
Both of them left their offices and walked towards the other's.
"Are you busy, Sir?" Nidhi was the first to ask when they met in the corridor.
"I was coming to see you only."
"Coffee?" they spoke together and then laughed slightly.
"How are you doing Nidhi?" Ashutosh asked after their coffee had arrived.
"I am fine," Nidhi said as a matter of habit. But then she looked into his eyes and her own filled with tears, "I am scared. I'm very scared. I don't know what is going to happen. I'm so used to her. I can't take a single decision of my life on my own. I came back from the US only so that she would be there to help me. And now... I am at a loss. I don't know what to do or say..."
She broke down by and buried her head in her hands on the table. Thankfully he had led her to a secluded corner in the coffee shop and it was relatively empty at that point of time; so there weren't any prying eyes around. He pulled his chair closer and patted her head.
"Nidhi. Please don't cry like this. Look at me, please. Please Nidhi." His pleadings worked and she looked up, though still teary eyed. He held and pressed her hands, as he spoke further, "Do you trust me? Forget about the conversation we had this morning and tell me honestly. Do you trust me?"
Nidhi nodded in affirmative.
"Then you must listen very carefully to what I say and must follow it. Okay?"
She nodded again, though hesitantly.
"Don't worry about yourself Nidhi. You are a grown woman. And I have seen you work. You are responsible and mature. Your mother has been your support all your life and life without her would be difficult. But you will be able to manage it. And I am there with you. I have promised this to your mother and I promise to you as well. It doesn't matter what happens, I will always be there with you. I can't make up for your mother's loss. But if you need any help, any support, I will try my best to steer you in the right direction. You don't have to worry about yourself."
"Thank you."
"And now something else. Your mother is more worried about you than you are..."
"She has talked to you earlier about all this?"
"Yes. She has. She knows how you feel and she is really worried. In her condition, so much of stress will not do her any good. You must think of her, do you understand?"
"Yes. I was being too selfish."
"Don't worry about that. Parents are the only people with whom we can be absolutely selfish. But then comes a time when they need us more than we need them. That time has come for you now. I am sorry that it came too early for you. But you must support her. You must become strong for her sake and convince her that you will be fine even after her. That is the only way to ensure that she lives the rest of her life happily. You would do that, won't you Nidhi?"
"You think about everyone. Just like Mom. And I get stuck on only my problem."
"Don't be so harsh on yourself. You had as rough a day as one can have. That you have held up so well is commendable. Don't judge your actions today. Okay?"
Nidhi nodded.
"By the way, do you remember that tomorrow is the deadline to submit the grades?" Ashutosh changed the topic.
"Oh! Yes. I had to finish grading the papers..."
"Listen Nidhi. I have a plan. If you don't mind we can go to my home so that there won't be any distractions. I will also finish grading my papers. But I have very few left. So, after that I can help you."
"But..."
"Only if you are comfortable. Otherwise..."
"I am fine. We can go."
--
Edited by sharmishtha02 - 13 years ago
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