FF Complete: Closing the Loop (Part 18-21 - Pg 64) - Page 18

Anji was lying on her bed, but was unable to sleep. The events of last eleven months were playing in her mind.

She had overheard the group of trainees talking in the canteen. "She's a total bomb yaar. She looks all prim and proper in the office. But I am sure she is a bitch outside," Feroz said and Ankit joined him with more comments. The only women trainee Amrita was on leave. So, it gave them the freedom to have their little "boy's talk" during the lunch. Anji knew they were talking about her, but she was a hardened soul in the male-dominated corporate world. She didn't care, until she heard Ankit talking to Rangnath, "Where are you going, Rangnath? Finish your lunch at least."

"I have some work."

"Work?" Ankit laughed, "You can speak the truth mate. You don't like anyone else talking about her."

"I don't like anyone treating another person as a sexual object."

"There goes Anji's blue-eyed-boy!" Feroz said and he and Ankit laughed.

"You are incorrigible," Rangnath replied and went away.

Anji found herself smiling at Rangnath's words, but also worried at Feroz's. What was it about blue-eyed-boy?

In the first year, management trainees worked across four different projects for three months each. As it happened, Rangnath was assigned for two consecutive trimesters under her.

"Since you have to do the next three months also with me, I guess we will put you on children's products?" Anji had told him.

"No. No. Please. Not children's products. Anything else! I don't understand kids."

"Well - I am afraid I have only two product lines where I can put you. And I think you won't want to go for women's hygiene products. I was thinking of putting Amrita there."

"Is that a policy that only women can work on..."

"No. No. Nothing like that," Anji had interrupted him quickly. That interpretation could put her in a very unprofessional light, "There is no policy or anything. It is one of the most profitable and fastest growing product lines and most senior managers will clamor to get it under them. But we have seen reluctance in the recent graduates - men, of course. They seem hesitant and embarrassed."

"I don't feel that way. Is it okay if I work on... women's hygiene products? I hope I don't sound weird, but I don't want to work on children's product."

"It's perfectly fine. In fact, it shows that you are already professional and mature. I am sure Amrita will be happy that she isn't getting gender stereotyped. She would be like working on children's products I guess."

"Thanks Anji."

The way Rangnath had hesitated before uttering "women's hygiene products", Anji was sure that he was as embarrassed about it as most fresh graduates were. But he seemed to have something stronger against children's products. May be he feared getting teased as "Papa" more than getting teased for knowing it all about women!

Over time she had noticed that he had a dislike for kids. Why dislike, he almost seemed scared around them. She remembered the CSR activity their group had participated in. They had gone to an orphanage. They had gifted them sweets, chocolate, clothes and study materials. They had also spent half a day with the kids. Rangnath had been aloof most of the time. Once she dragged him with herself. As the team leader, she was supposed to involve everyone. She was playing with a young kid and in the process playfully patted on his hips.

"What are you doing?" Rangnath had practically charged on her dragging her away from the child.

"What happened, Rangnath? What did I do?"

"Sorry. I mean... the child might be feeling uncomfortable."

"Come on. Rangnath. I didn't hit him so hard that it will hurt. He was enjoying the little game. Calm down and come back."

One of the small kids was playing with Amrita and wouldn't let her go. Amrita was tired and called Rangnath.

"Can you hold her for a few minutes Rangnath? I am really tired."

"Sorry Amrita. I have work to do," he replied curtly and left. Amrita stomped her foot at his ungentlemanly way and looked for Feroz.

Rangnath had been silent during their journey back. After they reached office, Anji asked him discreetly, "Why do you hate kids so much?"

"Just like you hate Mayonnaise!"

"That's an odd comparison."

"Whatever!" He had walked off.

But they had bonded over other things.

"Hey! You are reading Darlymple," she found a book on his desk.

"Yeah. I like reading historical fiction as well non-fiction. And he researches so extensively for his books."

"True. True. Even I like them. Have you read Cuckold by Nagarkar?"

"Not yet. But I intend to. I have heard about the book."

"I found the book really interesting - its historical fiction."

"Yeah. Do you have a copy?"

"No. But you know what. I usually borrow books from a book club. It's close to the office. You can also take the membership. They also have these weekly book reading and discussion sessions on Saturday."

"Do you go for them?"

"I used to go. But going alone is kind of awkward there. If someone comes with me, I would definitely like to start going there again. At least on the weekends, you can stay away from these sales charts and targets and growth."

"I would like to come along if you don't mind."

"Sure. Let's go to tomorrow's session itself. I can also get Cuckold issued for you till you get your membership."

"Sounds cool."

--

"Your inputs were fantastic in the discussion Rangnath," they were coming out of the book reading session and a lengthy discussion had ensued on a particular character of the novel they were discussing.

"You don't have to act the encouraging mentor outside the office too!" Rangnath tried to shrug off her praise.

"It's not a formality. I truly mean it."

"Thanks."

"And anyway, now the training period is almost over. Like a good parent I am all set to let my babies go and treat them as friends and adults from now on," Anji spoke dramatically and laughed.

Rangnath also smiled, "You have been a good mentor Anji. I will remember this period all my life."

"Thank you. What are you doing for lunch?"

"Nothing planned. How about you?"

"Same here. Shall we go to some restaurant?"

"A good deed needs no permission. What's your favourite cuisine?"

"I really like Italian. And yours?"

"I don't mind Italian either. Let's go to Sapori D' Italia."

"Okay. But what is your favourite cuisine was my question?"

"I like Chinese. But right now we'll go for Italian."

"Okay."

They drove to the restaurant in Anji's car. Just as they were to get out of the car, she spoke hesitantly, "Rangnath - one thing..."

"Yeah?"

"You shouldn't insist on paying the full bill. We must split the bill."

"Ah! Okay."

"I hope you didn't mind my being upfront about the bill. In past there have been awkward situations once the bill comes. And then - sometimes just to avoid making a scene, I have to give in. So, I thought I will take precaution beforehand," Anji said when they were seated.

"Don't bother so much Anji," Rangnath smiled assuredly, "I expected this from you and I respect you for how you are."

"But you don't agree to it?"

"I absolutely agree to it."

"But you look awkward."

"It's not because you are wrong or that I don't agree with you. It's because women like you are in minority. Put yourself in my shoes for a moment. I hope you would agree that most women don't think like you. And if I don't offer to pay the bill, they will take offence think of me as someone who doesn't know his manners. Do you agree?"

"As much as I hate to, I do agree," replied Anji with a sigh.

"So overall, to be on the safe side, I'd like to fight for paying the bill. But since I know you now, I know that I can and should do the right thing i.e. split the bill. If you were with someone else, irrespective of what they think, they would try to do what is socially more acceptable. Because they don't know that you don't think that way. Do I make any sense?"

"Unfortunately you do."

"Hey. I am sorry. Looks like I spoiled your mood."

"Oh no! You just said the right thing."

"But you look sad."

Anji did not reply, just nodded in negative. The slight smile on her lips was sad.

"You can tell me Anji."

"I feel like a moron sometimes. Most people find it too difficult to adjust to me. I'm too rigid, they say. Probably I am. But what am I to do, if the acceptable standards are not right?"

"Nothing. Why should you do anything? Just be what you are and don't feel bad about it."

Anji smiled, "Thank you Rangnath. You have been very nice."

"My pleasure. Let's order now. I am really hungry."

But his strange behavior about the kids kept coming back to bother her.

"Sop honking like that Rangnath," Anji had to shout to get Rangnath's attention. She had been feeling tired and hence Rangnath was driving her car that day. The plan was for him to drop her home and take the car with him. They would meet the next day to get her car back. They were waiting on a red signal, when she suddenly found Rangnath honking unnecessarily.

He seemed to come out of a trance when he heard her voice. He looked at her, spoke incoherently, "The kids... on the carrier of the bicycle... he was playing with them..."

"What are you talking about?" Anji asked with concern.

Rangnath regained his composure, "Sorry. I got distracted."

"It was something about the kids again? What is the problem Rangnath?"

"Nothing. Look the signal is green now. Let's go. You need to sleep."

And then the mystery had deepened a few days back. She had to fill up the feedback form for her mentees as the training period was coming to an end. She picked up the files she had received from the HR. As she turned through the pages of the forms, she realized that she had gotten some confidential papers by mistake. She shouldn't be looking at them, but she couldn't help looking at Rangnath's. And she was surprised as she came across his papers related to tax exemptions. He had several donations to the charities and all of them... worked for children.

Meanwhile, her own feelings for Rangnath were making her restless. She told Nidhi about this.

"I don't know what someone would think about it Nidhi, but I think I am in love with him."

"What is there to think about? Talk to him. From all you have told me, and from whatever I have seen of him, he also seems to like you."

"I think he is hesitant. May be because he is younger..."

"If that is so, you should know about it. But it would be idiotic on his part to let that become an issue if he likes you. Talk to him."

Anji hadn't disagreed. She had told a lot to Nidhi, but not the little mystery about his mysterious attitude towards the kids. But she did decide to talk to him.

"I have cooked today. Do you mind coming home for lunch?" she asked Rangnath after coming out of the book club meeting the next Saturday.

"What came upon you? Why have you cooked?"

"It hasn't turned out that bad Rangnath. You can try."

"Oh! I didn't mean that at all. Let's go home."

"That was good," Rangnath complemented her after they finished the lunch, "You undermine your culinary skills when you say you can't cook well."

"Thanks. That's really sweet of you. But I know where I stand. I just didn't feel like eating outside today."

"Good for me. Feel like that more often."

They chatted about the book club discussion, office and the upcoming transfers for a while. Then Anji came to the topic that was topmost on her mind.

"Rangnath. There is something I have been meaning to ask you. I don't know if I have the right, but I still want to..."

"Why are you hesitating so much? I thought we were beyond such formalities after all these days."

"Yeah. But... It's not like I know everything about you," Anji had smiled weakly.

"Most of the things in our lives are so useless that they are not worth knowing about. What do you want to know?"

"Rangnath what is this love-hate relationship between you and kids?"

"What?"

"You always behave as if you can't tolerate kids and are so uncomfortable, almost angry around them. But you donate to charities that work for kids. What's the deal?"

Rangnath stiffened, "How do you know about the charity donation?"

"How does it matter?"

"It's not important anyway."

"It is. It affects you. That much I can see. And if it affects you, how can it not be important?"

"Let it go Anji."

Anji had felt his unwillingness and was disappointed, "Rangnath - just wanted to clarify that I didn't unnecessarily want to poke nose in your affairs. It's just that..."

"I know... I know Anji that you asked because you care. But..."

"You can't confide in me?"

"Your care and concern is wasted on me. I am not the person who deserves this."

"Why not?"

"I can't explain that."

"Rangnath - you can be straight forward and tell me that you don't want me interfering; or that you don't trust me..."

"If that was true, I would have told you. But it's not about you. You are the most wonderful girl I have ever seen Anji. I only want happiness for you. So, let me be. I am not with whom your or anyone else's happiness lies. I am sorry. Try to forgive me."

He had left her house with his long strides while Anji had looked on helplessly.

She had made couple of other attempts to talk to Rangnath, but all of them had been as useless. And then she had met Nidhi at her mother's birthday party. After the party was over and Anji had sobered down, Nidhi had told her about Dr. Mathur's observation. Was it indeed about him? She had been wondering after that. But how?

--

The next day she had to go on a five day trip to tier-2 cities. They had to visit various retailers and come back with their plans for meeting next quarter's sales target. The plan was made sometimes back and Anji had put Rangnath's name for going with her. She regretted it now. But what could be done. Work was work!

It was their third town on the third day of the trip and Rangnath had come back to his room after a tiring day of retailer visits. He lied down on his bed and smiled unknowingly. He was thinking about Anji. She was wonderful in the intelligent way she analyzed the historical novels and their characters, in the aggressive way she dealt with the retailers, in the carefree way she laughed, in the dominant way she dealt with a mistake by her mentees, in the stubborn way she insisted on splitting the restaurant bill, in the lovely way... she loved him.

But she was not for him. He was not for her. She was meant for someone who deserved her. He deserved nobody. He couldn't even dream of someone as wonderful as her.

He tossed and turned in the uncomfortable bed of the best hotel the small town had. Her room was next to his. If he fell asleep and had nightmares and if she heard him scream due to his nightmares... No. He wouldn't live to face her if that happened. How was he going to manage? He had to find another room, far from hers. He couldn't trust the thin walls of these cheap hotels.

He got out of the bed and decided to go the reception to ask them to change the room. What would he tell them as the reason for asking for a change? Mosquitoes? Bed-bugs?

Damn! Why did it all become so dark? Light? Light was gone? Did they not have an active backup? No. It would probably be several minutes before someone started the generator. But he was scared. Those hands were creeping up on him. Someone needed to save him. Mom won't come. She wouldn't know. Before he knew it he was drenched in sweat. He needed to find someone. There was a door there. He rushed to it and banged. Damn! It was her door. Why didn't he remember? Her room was next to his. She shouldn't see him like that. He made to leave. But she was already there by then.

"Is that you Rangnath? What happened?" She was using the backlight of her phone to see him. A little light. Just a little But it gave hope; it gave strength. He was safe. It wasn't dark. There was no hand creeping up. He turned to leave, but she held his hand.

"You look ill Rangnath. You are drenched in sweat."

"No I am fine," his mind cleared as the fear receded. He was able to talk now.

"You are not. Do you remember how you were banging the door? Come in."

"No."

"Come in. Now," she ordered.

He had to follow her. She gave him some water to drink. He took it feeling thankful. The generator started and the light came back.

"Tell me now. What's the problem? You are sweating as if recovering from a high fever."

"Yes... Yes... I think I had a high fever and was slightly delirious. Probably saw a bad dream and woke up scared. With the sweating the fever has gone down now. I can go back to sleep."

"Are you sure, you don't need help?"

"No. No Anji. Thanks, but I am fine now."

"Okay. These walls aren't particularly thick. I think you can just shout if there is a problem and I will be able to hear it."

'That is precisely the problem,' Rangnath thought sadly. But he smiled outwardly and said, "Sure. But I think I will be fine now."

"All right. Good night."

"Good night Anji."

But Anji had a sleepless night after that. What Nidhi had told her about Dr. Mathur's observation kept echoing in her mind.

--

"Rangnath. Do you mind coming home with me today?" Anji asked Rangnath after office on the day after they were back from the trip.

"Anything specific?"

"I want to talk to you."

"Okay." Rangnath was hesitant, but didn't oppose, "What time do you want to leave?"

"Around six?"

"Okay."

--

"During our trip, that night, you didn't have fever."

Rangnath sighed, but didn't say anything.

So, Anji continued, "What is it?"

"Let it be Anji."

"No. I can't let it be. You can trust me Rangnath. We are friends."

"Please."

"You may need help Rangnath," Anji went forward and held his hands, "You can trust me. Tell me..."

Rangnath suddenly withdrew his hands, leaving Anji slightly embarrassed. But she tried to appear unaffected.

"Don't touch me Anji. There is dirt around me - around my body and my mind..."

"What are you talking about?"

"I was five years old when my Dad died. I hardly remember anything about him. Just some glimpses once in a while. My mother was heart-broken and clueless. She had been so dependent on him. She didn't know how to take care of herself and me. Her parents decided that she should remarry. She agreed and they found a nice guy for her, who was willing to accept me along with her. She was happy again. She had found a trust worthy husband for herself and a loving father for me. Only problem was..."

"Go on Rangnath."

"His love for me was not fatherly."

"What do you mean?" Anji blurted and then she thought of a possibility, "Oh my God!"

"When I cried at night and he offered to Mom that he will put me to sleep, he didn't sing me lullabies. He just violated me, used me. Initially I was so young that I could not even express what was wrong in whatever was happening to me. I would tell Mom that I didn't like him. But she would scold me. She'd tell me how much he cared for me and I must be grateful to him and return the affection. And when I started understanding what was wrong... I felt too ashamed to say anything. And he kept going, sometimes by cajoling me, sometimes by threatening me. He told me that no one would believe me. And he was right. I was broken because Mom never seemed to see anything. And she was probably just looking the other way. Too weak to protest. She needed him to support her and I... I was not somebody for whom she'd have fought. I couldn't do anything. I was seventeen years old, when I left home to go to the hostel for my further studies. Since then, I have never gone back home. Mom keeps asking me to come. But she doesn't seem to see that there has to be a good reason why I don't go, why I haven't gone in all these years. She comes and stays with me sometimes. But she still doesn't see. Probably, she wants to continue ignoring. I don't know. But between all this, I am damaged person. Physically and mentally. Keep away from me Anji. I am no good for you. I am no good for myself."

"Shut up. Stop blaming yourself," Anji was horrified, but she comforted him.

--