Posted:
Part 2:
I head home, after leaving the office in a sodding bad mood. Harman bhaiya shouldn't have lied to Prem bhaiya like that, betrayed him. How could you do that to someone like him? I wouldn't have the heart to lie to him ever. But I do, because that's who I am. About relationship that I carry out to the family that we don't have, about the mistake that I had committed, about my feelings for my wife. Bad enough I got Ash on my case now. I just let her have her fun and walk off, I aint in the mood. I just need to get back to my room and get myself a long sleep with some alcohol to stop the pain that I'm feeling since I have got into the black hole that I call my bedroom.
I manage to down one vodka bottle and get another, then sit by the table in the corner with some painkillers, I got a killer headache. I don't feel drunk though, I don't get drunk that easily. Stress, things on my mind is what's giving me this stinker of a headache. Meher walks in, the angel in black. She looks stressed too; I shouldn't have loaded her with stuff about everything only to deny it afterwards. The moonlight gives it shades next to my face as she looks on and she notices me. I'm not up to talking much.
Meher: "Why are you sitting in the dark?"
Couldn't be arsed to turn the light on.
Preet: "I like it."
Meher: "I thought you were at the office?"
Preet: "I was. The ambience weren't up to much, I came home."
What's with these child locked pills? Why is it children can open them but adults always struggle? I begin to get frustrated and slightly embarrassed as she takes them off me.
Preet: "Can't open 'em."
Meher: "I was talking to Prem jiju earlier; he said that you had fought with…. Harman ji… is that true?"
I never liked that topic. Gives me the creeps just thinking that once in her past my wife had liked my brother and not me. God I sound so pathetic don't i? I mean it was her past I should be able to move on like every man does but whenever I see him with her or even hear her talk about her ex I feel like something is tearing me apart from inside even though she had mentioned quiet clearly last night that she doesn't want anything to do with me. It still makes me want….. to have her more than I ever desired for anything in my life.
Preet: "My sympathies." I tap my glass towards as I gulp down the liquid that I just had filled few minutes ago. This conversation gets my head in as I recall us having the same role play for last few nights. The habit that we have formed as soon as we enter the room.
Meher: "Heer and Prem jiju think you should just stay at home for little while…until you are ready to face Harman ji."
Great, anything to keep my mind of Meher, here I am, alone with her in the room, and with any woman, I would be swearing or insulting but if I think they were all right I would be flirting like made with them by now to get rid of my worries, but it's Meher, I can't use her, I care for her too much.
Preet: "That'll be a relief.......i mean its not like they need me or anything after all who am I?"
Meher: "What?"
Did I say something wrong? Quick, redeem yourself.
Preet: "........in was saying that what they have ever seen me as this guy who isn't capable of anything but now… when I thought my life was perfect got everyone with me… to trust me bang comes the real hero of the house. I mean........he has done all the things if I had dared then I would be chucked out but no Mr Harman cannot do that can he?"
I think I've said too much.
Meher: "they know you preet…. When someone trusts you too much then you won't it means they know that you won't ever let them down this why they expect too much from you."
Preet: "Of course! Why were you............when you came in?"
Meher: "I was a bit short with Maya. I bit her head off."
Should I say it, not the right conditions to break a joke, but I need to ease the tension, turn it down a notch.
Preet: "She'll grow a new one!"
I swallow some pills, trying to look relaxed, uncaring.
Meher: "That's TOO many and you shouldn't be drinking with 'em."
So she does care? I can't be bothered to act on it. She is pacing about the room, not good for my headache.
Preet: "Sit down will ya, your making the place look untidy."
Fine then, don't, watch her change the subject in a minute.
Meher: "Did you give Dad the money?"
There it is.
Preet: "I tried, he wouldn't take it. Last I saw it was back on top of your bed."
Meher: "Oh, right. I better get down there, explain him!"
Record time that, about 2 minutes since entering the flat, and she has to go out again, at this time of night. All these painkillers and alcohol, not to mention Sharon, is getting me ready to start an argument. I should've started one with Harman when I had the chance so I wouldn't have to take it out on Meher, she doesn't deserve it. I have no control over what I'm saying anymore, I am saying what I'm thinking without taking into account what the consequences are.
Preet: "How long is this gonna go on for?"
I see her tense up, oh why did I have to say that? I'm so stupid, well, I can't stop now can I, especially now I'm slightly high on drugs, well, not real drugs of course. I'm rambling here now; they are really getting to me.
Meher: "Don't know what you mean!"
Yeah right, I don't believe a word of that.
Preet: "I walk into a room, you walk out. I stand up, you sit down. I sit down, you stand up. How long is it gonna go on for? I have noticed since this morning you have ignoring me…. After the conversation we shared… last night"
Meher: "I'm just busy, that's all."
Busy?! Even the prime minister finds some time away from politics!
Meher: "Preet, quite a lot has happened recently."
Don't I know it! She is avoiding the obvious, well, if she wants to play that way...
Preet: "So, what are they then? These things on your mind? Let's hear about them."
That came out a bit harsher than intended, maybe it is possible for me to get drunk.
Meher: "I'm not talking to you when you're like this!!"
So she's noticed as well, it aint my fault, well, not really.
Preet: "Like what? Why? How am I being?"
I am being really mean to her right now, and I don't really care now to be honest. Pushing me away, not talking to me. Sod it.
Meher: "Wired, bouncing of the flaming' walls,"
I aint that far gone, darling.
Meher: "I aint bouncing off the walls, and I aint gonna be till this little lot kicks in."
I'm not the one yelling at the top of my voice, she is.
Preet: "I'm sat tight in my chair, which is more than I can say for you! Compared to you, I'm relaxed."
Meher: "You're going on and I don't need it."
Neither do I!
Preet: "YEAH, WELL THERE'S ALOT OF THINGS I DON'T NEED, BUT I KEEP HAVING TO DEAL WITH IT!"
Keep your thoughts to yourself before you get a slap.
Then that image runs into my mind again. Harman and Meher, a headache is bad enough, but nausea...
Preet: "HOW YOU COULD HAVE HAD, ANYTHING to do with THAT bloke."
Meher: "There are a few things I could say 'bout the choices you've made........."
I try and shake the thought of them two together, but I just can't. It's killing me inside, but I'm probably still coming across as the protective friend.
Preet: "..............how you could have let him touch you."
Have I gone too far? No, she is still yelling abuse at me.
Meher: "You're not the only one with a past!"
I'm not listening to her, still getting rid of that image, but my sardonic mood gets in the way.
Preet: "Did he manage it on his own or did he..."
Meher: "NO HE DID JUST FINE!!"
Preet: "OH WELL I AM IMPRESSED!!!"
Not really, that just makes the image even worse; I just want her to change the subject.
Mheer: "Why are you attacking me?"
Because you got in the way of my wallowing in self pity party I was planning on having tonight.
Preet: "Your here aren't you?" why is she answering me? I never wanted to hurt her never but now I feel like she deserves every pain that she gets… the pain she has given me when she said that it was all over.
Preet: "Did you love him?"
If she did love a man like him, why can't she just love me?
I'm dreading this answer, I hope she didn't love him, I couldn't bear it if I knew she loved someone else, even if she doesn't love me. But I need to know.
Meher: "Why do you keep going on about Harman ji?"
I need an answer.
Preet: "Did you?"
Meher: "It was along time ago, but yes. Yes I did."
My heart feels like it has been torn into a million pieces as jealousy overcomes me, I can't speak. I can't breathe.
I go to the window and look behind the curtain to try and hide any tears that might escape. That hurt, that did. If only she knew.
Meher: "Well go on Preet, make it easy on yourself."
I don't want to hear what's coming; I know I don't whatever it is.
Meher: "I WAS USING HIM FOR PROTECTION AND MONEY!"
I turn round immediately, shocked by her outburst. It's sickening, but the green eyed monster has overcome me and is trying to scream out, before she walks away.
Preet: "Use me instead!"
I swallow hard, waiting for her reaction. If that doesn't stop her from running away I don't know what will. I hope I don't come across as some sicko. I'm scared now as she slowly turns around, looking scared, scared of me.
Meher: "You can't say that!"
She whispers so softly, shocked. It was the wrong thing to say, I know, but I can't leave it now.
Dennis: "I just did!"
Her face soon turns to a look of disgust. It's killing me inside, she obviously doesn't feel the same way.
Meher: "What's the matter with you?"
There is only one answer I can give right now.
Preet: "YOU'RE THE MATTER WITH ME. I lie here night after night, and I listen to you, in here. And I can hear you crying. An I know that your no more asleep than I am, and I think. What would happen...what would happen if I just got up now, walked up to her, sat next to her place my body on top, didn't say a word, and just got into bed with her. What would she do?"
Should I continue? I'm so close to her now, I can feel the heat and she is looking deep in my eyes, waiting for me to finish.
Preet: "Well, what would happen? Would you whack me round the face, chuck me out...or are you lying there."
I can't get the words out; I swallow the lump in my throat and force myself to continue.
Preet: "Waiting for me to come in...Hoping it's me an not you that's gonna make the first move."
I wish it so much, her eyes are telling me she does hope.
Preet: "Well here I am...making my move.....what happens next is up to you."
I look at her, trying to read her thoughts, then I realise, I am fighting a losing battle. She doesn't want me in that way. I need to get out of here.
Preet: "Alright...Well...coz...someone had to say it Meher...a now it's out there an I can't unsay it, an I can't unthink it. I can't do this anymore, I..I can't do it I can't be shut out here while you're in there. You might be able to do it but...I can't."
I manage to down one vodka bottle and get another, then sit by the table in the corner with some painkillers, I got a killer headache. I don't feel drunk though, I don't get drunk that easily. Stress, things on my mind is what's giving me this stinker of a headache. Meher walks in, the angel in black. She looks stressed too; I shouldn't have loaded her with stuff about everything only to deny it afterwards. The moonlight gives it shades next to my face as she looks on and she notices me. I'm not up to talking much.
Meher: "Why are you sitting in the dark?"
Couldn't be arsed to turn the light on.
Preet: "I like it."
Meher: "I thought you were at the office?"
Preet: "I was. The ambience weren't up to much, I came home."
What's with these child locked pills? Why is it children can open them but adults always struggle? I begin to get frustrated and slightly embarrassed as she takes them off me.
Preet: "Can't open 'em."
Meher: "I was talking to Prem jiju earlier; he said that you had fought with…. Harman ji… is that true?"
I never liked that topic. Gives me the creeps just thinking that once in her past my wife had liked my brother and not me. God I sound so pathetic don't i? I mean it was her past I should be able to move on like every man does but whenever I see him with her or even hear her talk about her ex I feel like something is tearing me apart from inside even though she had mentioned quiet clearly last night that she doesn't want anything to do with me. It still makes me want….. to have her more than I ever desired for anything in my life.
Preet: "My sympathies." I tap my glass towards as I gulp down the liquid that I just had filled few minutes ago. This conversation gets my head in as I recall us having the same role play for last few nights. The habit that we have formed as soon as we enter the room.
Meher: "Heer and Prem jiju think you should just stay at home for little while…until you are ready to face Harman ji."
Great, anything to keep my mind of Meher, here I am, alone with her in the room, and with any woman, I would be swearing or insulting but if I think they were all right I would be flirting like made with them by now to get rid of my worries, but it's Meher, I can't use her, I care for her too much.
Preet: "That'll be a relief.......i mean its not like they need me or anything after all who am I?"
Meher: "What?"
Did I say something wrong? Quick, redeem yourself.
Preet: "........in was saying that what they have ever seen me as this guy who isn't capable of anything but now… when I thought my life was perfect got everyone with me… to trust me bang comes the real hero of the house. I mean........he has done all the things if I had dared then I would be chucked out but no Mr Harman cannot do that can he?"
I think I've said too much.
Meher: "they know you preet…. When someone trusts you too much then you won't it means they know that you won't ever let them down this why they expect too much from you."
Preet: "Of course! Why were you............when you came in?"
Meher: "I was a bit short with Maya. I bit her head off."
Should I say it, not the right conditions to break a joke, but I need to ease the tension, turn it down a notch.
Preet: "She'll grow a new one!"
I swallow some pills, trying to look relaxed, uncaring.
Meher: "That's TOO many and you shouldn't be drinking with 'em."
So she does care? I can't be bothered to act on it. She is pacing about the room, not good for my headache.
Preet: "Sit down will ya, your making the place look untidy."
Fine then, don't, watch her change the subject in a minute.
Meher: "Did you give Dad the money?"
There it is.
Preet: "I tried, he wouldn't take it. Last I saw it was back on top of your bed."
Meher: "Oh, right. I better get down there, explain him!"
Record time that, about 2 minutes since entering the flat, and she has to go out again, at this time of night. All these painkillers and alcohol, not to mention Sharon, is getting me ready to start an argument. I should've started one with Harman when I had the chance so I wouldn't have to take it out on Meher, she doesn't deserve it. I have no control over what I'm saying anymore, I am saying what I'm thinking without taking into account what the consequences are.
Preet: "How long is this gonna go on for?"
I see her tense up, oh why did I have to say that? I'm so stupid, well, I can't stop now can I, especially now I'm slightly high on drugs, well, not real drugs of course. I'm rambling here now; they are really getting to me.
Meher: "Don't know what you mean!"
Yeah right, I don't believe a word of that.
Preet: "I walk into a room, you walk out. I stand up, you sit down. I sit down, you stand up. How long is it gonna go on for? I have noticed since this morning you have ignoring me…. After the conversation we shared… last night"
Meher: "I'm just busy, that's all."
Busy?! Even the prime minister finds some time away from politics!
Meher: "Preet, quite a lot has happened recently."
Don't I know it! She is avoiding the obvious, well, if she wants to play that way...
Preet: "So, what are they then? These things on your mind? Let's hear about them."
That came out a bit harsher than intended, maybe it is possible for me to get drunk.
Meher: "I'm not talking to you when you're like this!!"
So she's noticed as well, it aint my fault, well, not really.
Preet: "Like what? Why? How am I being?"
I am being really mean to her right now, and I don't really care now to be honest. Pushing me away, not talking to me. Sod it.
Meher: "Wired, bouncing of the flaming' walls,"
I aint that far gone, darling.
Meher: "I aint bouncing off the walls, and I aint gonna be till this little lot kicks in."
I'm not the one yelling at the top of my voice, she is.
Preet: "I'm sat tight in my chair, which is more than I can say for you! Compared to you, I'm relaxed."
Meher: "You're going on and I don't need it."
Neither do I!
Preet: "YEAH, WELL THERE'S ALOT OF THINGS I DON'T NEED, BUT I KEEP HAVING TO DEAL WITH IT!"
Keep your thoughts to yourself before you get a slap.
Then that image runs into my mind again. Harman and Meher, a headache is bad enough, but nausea...
Preet: "HOW YOU COULD HAVE HAD, ANYTHING to do with THAT bloke."
Meher: "There are a few things I could say 'bout the choices you've made........."
I try and shake the thought of them two together, but I just can't. It's killing me inside, but I'm probably still coming across as the protective friend.
Preet: "..............how you could have let him touch you."
Have I gone too far? No, she is still yelling abuse at me.
Meher: "You're not the only one with a past!"
I'm not listening to her, still getting rid of that image, but my sardonic mood gets in the way.
Preet: "Did he manage it on his own or did he..."
Meher: "NO HE DID JUST FINE!!"
Preet: "OH WELL I AM IMPRESSED!!!"
Not really, that just makes the image even worse; I just want her to change the subject.
Mheer: "Why are you attacking me?"
Because you got in the way of my wallowing in self pity party I was planning on having tonight.
Preet: "Your here aren't you?" why is she answering me? I never wanted to hurt her never but now I feel like she deserves every pain that she gets… the pain she has given me when she said that it was all over.
Preet: "Did you love him?"
If she did love a man like him, why can't she just love me?
I'm dreading this answer, I hope she didn't love him, I couldn't bear it if I knew she loved someone else, even if she doesn't love me. But I need to know.
Meher: "Why do you keep going on about Harman ji?"
I need an answer.
Preet: "Did you?"
Meher: "It was along time ago, but yes. Yes I did."
My heart feels like it has been torn into a million pieces as jealousy overcomes me, I can't speak. I can't breathe.
I go to the window and look behind the curtain to try and hide any tears that might escape. That hurt, that did. If only she knew.
Meher: "Well go on Preet, make it easy on yourself."
I don't want to hear what's coming; I know I don't whatever it is.
Meher: "I WAS USING HIM FOR PROTECTION AND MONEY!"
I turn round immediately, shocked by her outburst. It's sickening, but the green eyed monster has overcome me and is trying to scream out, before she walks away.
Preet: "Use me instead!"
I swallow hard, waiting for her reaction. If that doesn't stop her from running away I don't know what will. I hope I don't come across as some sicko. I'm scared now as she slowly turns around, looking scared, scared of me.
Meher: "You can't say that!"
She whispers so softly, shocked. It was the wrong thing to say, I know, but I can't leave it now.
Dennis: "I just did!"
Her face soon turns to a look of disgust. It's killing me inside, she obviously doesn't feel the same way.
Meher: "What's the matter with you?"
There is only one answer I can give right now.
Preet: "YOU'RE THE MATTER WITH ME. I lie here night after night, and I listen to you, in here. And I can hear you crying. An I know that your no more asleep than I am, and I think. What would happen...what would happen if I just got up now, walked up to her, sat next to her place my body on top, didn't say a word, and just got into bed with her. What would she do?"
Should I continue? I'm so close to her now, I can feel the heat and she is looking deep in my eyes, waiting for me to finish.
Preet: "Well, what would happen? Would you whack me round the face, chuck me out...or are you lying there."
I can't get the words out; I swallow the lump in my throat and force myself to continue.
Preet: "Waiting for me to come in...Hoping it's me an not you that's gonna make the first move."
I wish it so much, her eyes are telling me she does hope.
Preet: "Well here I am...making my move.....what happens next is up to you."
I look at her, trying to read her thoughts, then I realise, I am fighting a losing battle. She doesn't want me in that way. I need to get out of here.
Preet: "Alright...Well...coz...someone had to say it Meher...a now it's out there an I can't unsay it, an I can't unthink it. I can't do this anymore, I..I can't do it I can't be shut out here while you're in there. You might be able to do it but...I can't."
Part 3 coming up
Vasudha
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