"hey honey, i just called to tell you that i won't be able to make on time. The work load is a bit too much, so I'll see you in a few days"
"Okay, come soon. Bye"
She hung up the phone and tried to go back to sleep, but she was too scared to go through the nightmare again. She got up, opened the curtains of her apartment balcony, and stood holding the railing. It was still dark outside, maybe, 4 in the morning. She hated getting up early, but not more than she hated the nightmares. She really hoped that he would come back soon. She really missed him a lot. They had a rocky start in the beginning of their relationship but they worked on their relation, and now she was glad that they were together. However, sometimes, even now, her fears still continuously came in between their trust. She was scared to lose him.
He is usually out for conference calls, out of town or maybe out of country. Right now, he was in Dubai for another conference. He is shaping up their future, and he will be back soon. He would in a nice hotel with everyone around him to nail their project. Afterwards, he will be back for a week, which sounded nice.
She turned around and paranoia hit her. What if he isn't in Dubai? What if he is lying? He is cheating on her. She rushed inside, grabbed her cell phone and called him. He didn't pick up, so she tried again. She cursed at the voicemail.
"Hey it's me, I'm just missing you a lot, come soon, and take care"
She needed to calm down, and a hot shower would be the perfect solution.
----
Jai rang the door bell with flowers in his hands. He was so glad that his bosses let him leave early. He really wanted to see the happiness in Bani's eyes when she sees him. He kept ringing the door bell, and after sometime, Bani came to open the door. She looked like a wreck, completely disoriented. Her hair was a mess, and her eyes appeared puffy and red. She had been crying.
Jai quickly put his bag aside, and asked her about her health.
"Bani, what happened? Are you okay?"
She hugged him tightly.
"I thought I lost you today. Don't ever leave me. You know I'll die without you"
He hugged her tighter stroking her hair gently, until she smelled perfume from the collar of his shirt. She let go of him and looked at him with questionable gaze.
"Who were you with Jai? Who is she? I'm sure she is a lot of fun"
"Bani, what are you talking about. I don't get you."
"You know exactly what I'm talking about. I trusted you Jai"
"Bani, there's no one please listen to me"
"I'm listening to you. What's your explanation now? The perfume's smell from your shirt, who were you with?"
"Listen Bani, some sales girl accidentally sprayed me with perfume when I was buying this for you"
He took out the DIOR perfume bottle and handed it to her.
"I thought we were over that stuff, but apparently you're still stuck in the past"
He took his belongings and left from there. She tried to stop him, but it happened so fast. The door was smacked shut on her face, and she was standing there. She picked up the flowers and put them on the counter. White Lilies. Her favourite.
She knew that this relationship was the best thing ever happened, but she was wrecking it. She really didn't know what to do about her paranoia. Jai had put up with her emotional mood swings a lot. She really hoped that they would be able to get past this stuff.
----
Jai drove home as fast as possible, but the thought of going to an empty apartment made him change his decision. He went to the beach instead. He really needed time to cool off. He knew that Bani had been through a lot, and he understands that, but what's his sin? She doesn't trust him at all. They need trust in their relationship, and without the base of trust, the walls of their love with get crushed into pieces. He really loved her, and she needed to understand that and no matter what he was ready to be with her in any circumstances as long as she trusted him. He was asking for her trust. Was it too much to ask for?
He lit a cigarette and stood on the beach till darkness swallowed the reality around him. Maybe, he needed the shelter of darkness where he won't be able to see reality, and where he didn't have to think the circumstances. He loved her a lot and it killed him to see her in that state. He knew that she needed to get out of the fear. When? That was the real question.
----
They both gave each other sometime to rethink about the previous night. Bani really wanted to apologize for her behaviour, but she knew she needed to think stuff through. She knew the only person to talk to would be her best friend Pia. She was missing her parents but she severed all her ties from them when she came to Mumbai to become something. She fought with them, and left the house, and never contacted them again. That was 3 years ago, but still her friend, Pia, gave her all the update on them. Recently, her cousin got married to a nice man from Pune. She was really happy for them.
She called her friend and she picked up on the 3rd ring.
"Hey Pia, it's me"
"Hey B, how are you? What happened that you haven't called for a long time?"
"Nothing, just I was busy with a few projects from the office. Anyways how are you and everyone else"
"Everything is fine B, I am so glad you called, and I was dying to talk to you"
"Me too, do you have some time to talk"
"Yea, anytime is a good time for you. Tell me what's up"
After narrating the whole incident to her, she asked for her help.
"Bani, you know what the problem is. I know that you were hurt very badly, but sometimes you have to let go and start life again. Listen to me, go to a nice, romantic dinner, and talk it out. I'm sure Jai will understand. And please try to let go of the past"
"Hmm... I think it's best for both of us. Thanks Pia. I'll talk to you later"
"No problem, bye"
After she hung up the phone, she called Jai and asked him to meet her at the cactus club cafe.
She thought about her life again. What she was and what she has become. She still remembers the day when she fought with her parents and left her house.
The smell of entering Mumbai hasn't left her yet. The sense of freedom and independence she felt that day was anything beyond ordinary. After coming to Mumbai, she stayed in the girls' hostel for some time.
It took her a few days to settle in the hostel, to the environment, and the girls. For a week, she wandered aimlessly everywhere for sightseeing. She knew that she was here to become something, and after a week, she started looking for a job. The dark red circles always filled everyday's newspaper.
She still remembers for her first interview, she ended up going to the wrong place, and when she found the correct address, the interviews were over. She gave more than 50 interviews before she was selected. That day, she took the girls from her hostel on a treat of golgappas.
On her first day on the job, she met some very interesting people and some very boring too. He was one of the interesting bunches. Aparajit Deb.
He was in the accounting apartment, a junior, and she was on training. She liked him instantly and he showed interest in her as well. In the next 5 months, their relationship progressed, and they were officially together. Bani was on cloud nine as she found every happiness in her life.
It was a day before her training was finishing, and she was going to become permanent. The bosses told her to leave early as there was not a lot of work pending. She wrapped up everything and insisted Aparajit to come with her, but he refused her. She was hurt, but she shrugged it, and left the building. She hailed the auto and left for the hostel. Their relationship had turned into something more intimate by now, and she was happy that she took that step. She blushed and opened her bag to check the time, and realized that she had left her cell phone in the office.
Afterwards, whatever happened in the office hit Bani very harshly. She saw Aparajit with another trainee, Meera, becoming intimate. She was disgusted and wanted to give him her piece of mind. She opened the door but her steps were frozen when she heard him speak.
"Deb, what has happened to your taste? You and the other chick are together, and here I thought that you were happy being with me"
Meera was sitting in his lap and he was stroking her thigh.
"Yeah honey, I'm always thinking of you, and she is just temporary. She is nothing comparing to you. You don't even know how much I've lied to her"
"Honey I'm in a conference, I'm here, I'm there...I don't even remember anymore"
Aparajit laughed loudly and it echoed in the room. They both were mocking her, and she felt used. She ran towards her cibicle with tears streaming down her cheeks. She was a fool believing that ass**** and now she was hurt in the end. She should have trusted her first instinct.
She went to her cubicle, grabbed her cell phone, and left in the auto. She was crying the whole way, and when she got to the hostel, she threw up continuously. After some time, she fainted and ended up in the hospital. When her boss told her that she has been promoted, she declined the job. She went into a shell after that incident.
Then after a year of the incident, when she started working for WGH, another employee showed interest in her. Jai Kapoor. He was the advertising head, and she was his junior. He annoyed her a lot, but she had started liking him as well. She fought with her feelings, but they, in the end, won. Jai and Bani were together and she tried to move on from her past. She tried hiding it from him, but eventually, she spilled it. She promised him that she will trust him, and won't let anything come in between them. That was 2 years ago.
Today Bani stood in front of the cafe they had gone to for their first date. It was special for them and she knew this had to work. She opened the glass door, and asked the man to confirm their table.
"The table is on the name Dixit"
"Ahh, this way ma'am"
He directed her towards the table and Jai was already seated there. She sat across him and smiled. He smiled back at her.
"Look Jai, I thought a lot..."
Her sentence was cut off when a lady in a sari came towards their table. Jai got up and hugged her.
"Sorry Jai I took a long time, sorry...make sure you come"
"Hey"
She waved at Bani.
"I'm sorry I've to go. I'll catch you at work, bye"
They hugged again and she left.
"Jai, who was she? Now you're cheating on me in front of everyone and ME! You are so disgusting, I hate you!!!"
She yelled loudly and left the cafe but not before catching everyone's attention.
"Bani...listen..."
He ran after her but she was already gone.
----
"That bas***d" she yelled as soon as she got home.
She was crying very badly and she realized that everything was happening again, and fresh tears soared out of her eyes. She cried a lot and hugged the couch, and fell asleep.
Jai quickly came to her apartment and opened the door, since he had a duplicate key to the apartment.
She was sleeping on the couch, and looked like she had been crying a lot. The rain had started to fall outside.
----
Bani woke up with a sudden thirst. She went to the kitchen to get some water. On the kitchen counter, she noticed that the white lilies she forgot to put in the water where in a vase. There was a letter underneath the vase, which was making noise due to the wind which was coming through the balcony. She picked up the letter and it read...
Bani,
I know that it's very hard for you move on from that past but I think that I'm reminding you of the pain that he put you through. You always blame me for the mistakes that I haven't even done. I know that he treated you badly, but I'm always accused of it. You're protecting yourself from somebody else not from me.
And just because he did, you think I am cheating on you as well. You always compare me to him, and I don't say anything. I told you that don't let him tear us apart. I really love you and I'll do anything to prove it but I refuse to stay now, I can't pay for his mistakes. You should start new from somewhere else, maybe, you need your parents to do this. I am sorry but I can't pay for his sins.
I love you a lot and that's why I am doing this. I need to let you go.
Ps-Sonali was there because it's her wedding next week.
Yours
Jai
When she read the letter, she broke down, and she knew that he was gone forever. She lost him due to her faults and now she was left behind to pick up the pieces. However, she decided that she was going to take this in a positive way and lead her life. She had decided!
----
Jai stayed in town for Sonali's wedding, but he had to leave the country because he knew Bani's memories will haunt him forever.
Bani was going back to parents as well, hoping that they would forgive her mistakes.
We should never have to pay for someone else's mistakes!
end-------------------------------------------------------------------------
letter and story inspired from usher's song 'his mistakes'
rock on people!
Anupamaa
