Hello Peeps!
So, Vidhya has been rather depressed lately. Maxine doesn't tolerate such shit, so she made her snap out of it by writing Nonsense. Now, while most of my shit qualifies as Nonsense, this is special. Because this really does absolutely, totally, completely, all-envelopingly make no sense at all. Which is why its called The Nonsense OS. Thou hast been warned. Oh, and my actual title wouldn't fit in the subject box, so I cheated. The actual title is below. Not that it matters, since it's complete Nonsense. But still.
Happy Holey Women's Gupta Singh Raizada Day: The Nonsense OS
"Be home in 2 hours or else," he spat, water trickling down his back like a cold sweat.
"Or else what? Or should I say or else, What The What The What The?" asked Mrs.Khushi Kumari Gupta Arnav Singh Raizada.
"Or else we'll play Holey like never before!" he snarled.
"Holey? Is that the one where you rip me a new one?" asked Mrs.Khushi Kumari Gupta Arnav Singh Raizada wide-eyed. "Please don't. I already talk out of my ass. To talk out of two asses would be two much. Even for me, Mrs.Khushi Kumari Gupta Arnav Singh Raizada, with my 6 names," she begged.
Arnav Singh Raizada felt a sleeping beast awaken. "Holey is when I rip the clothes off you, leaving you in tatters Mrs. Khushi Kumari Gupta Arnav Singh Raizada."
"Oh! Please do Arnavji. Rip my clothes off. Do it here. Do it now. I can't wait till the night and we are alone in your room and my poolside respectively," begged Mrs. Khushi Kumari Gupta Arnav Singh Raizada. "Please, let's play Holey right now!"
"We can't play Holey here!" said ASR, shocked.
"Why not?" asked Mrs. Khushi Kumari Gupta Arnav Singh Raizada.
"We're both wet, that's why. I can't rip wet clothes off you. Wet clothes are hard you stupid, dumb, idiotic female without a single functional grey cell in your frontal lobe."
"Huh?" said Mrs. Khushi Kumari Gupta Arnav Singh Raizada.
"Wet clothes are not conducive to being ripped off you illiterate, know-nothing of a double X chromosome possessing aberration in the name of humanity!" he said impatiently. "I wish God had never created women," he muttered. "Silly, feather headed, imbecilic, obtuse, witless creatures!"
"But Arnavji. That would mean you wouldn't have been born. After all, your mother was a woman too!" said Mrs. Khushi Kumari Gupta Arnav Singh Raizada sensibly.
"No, you illogical, moronic, cretin. My father would have figured out a way to create me out of mere sperm! After all, didn't Parvati create Ganesha out of turmeric paste?" asked ASR.
"I don't wish to contradict you, after all you know best, but err'wasn't Parvati a woman too?" asked Mrs. Khushi Kumari Gupta Arnav Singh Raizada, warming to the task at hand. "Also, Ganesha has an elephant head. You wouldn't want an elephant head, would you? Though, I mean, it wouldn't make a huge difference. I mean your Hat size wouldn't change by much," she mused.
"Are you saying I'm big-headed?" he asked furiously.
"Oh no. Not big-headed. Merely head-bigged," she said.
"What the f**k is head-bigged?" he asked.
"I don't know. I'm a moronic, illogical cretin. I don't control what comes out of my mouth," she replied.
"Ohmigod! It's true," he said. "You do talk out of your ass."
"I told you Oh revered one. I certainly do," she smiled benignly, and slightly vapidly at him.
"I have never been more turned on in my life!" said ASR, breathing heavily. "You better go home now. Or there'll be no Holey-daying for either of us!"
"Why are you talking like someone from that Western State famous for theplas, dhoklas and the stray incident of ethnic violence?" asked Mrs.Khushi Kumari Gupta Arnav Singh Raizada.
"It was a joke. Holey-Day. A Pun on Holiday. Why do I even bother with a mere half-witted, thick-headed, unintelligent example of the wrong species! Heaven help me!" said Arnav Singh Raizada.
"Oh please Arnavji! Don't be angry. Please play Holey with me!" begged Mrs.Khushi Kumari Gupta Arnav Singh Raizada.
"Oh well. Go home. I'll be there in 2 hours. Then we'll play. But not the ripping-the-clothes-till-you're-holey-holey, OK?" said ASR gently.
"Then what kind?" asked Mrs.Khushi Kumari Gupta Arnav Singh Raizada, wide-eyed.
"I was thinking to go the more traditional route. You know, like Maine Pyaar Kiya. I'll color you in my colors," said Arnav, waxing lyrical.
"Oh! That Holey!" she said, clasping her heart.
"Do you want to be colored in my colors Mrs.Khushi Kumari Gupta Arnav Singh Raizada?" he asked, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.
"What are your colors?" asked Mrs.Khushi Kumari Gupta Arnav Singh Raizada. She liked to make sure what she was getting into. Colors were a delicate matter. Unlike matrimony when one plunged in headlong, uncaring of consequences. Colors mattered. What if he picked ugly colors?
"Do you use pencils or crayons?" she asked suddenly, disturbed from her pleasant reverie of VIBGYOR-land.
"I dunno, why?" asked ASR.
"Crayons are softer. Pencils poke," said Mrs.Khushi Kumari Gupta Arnav Singh Raizada, blushing.
"I use Sharpies. They're soft, yet they're sharp. And they're bright too," said Arnav loftily. "And while I'm coloring you in my colors I'll also write my name on your forehead. Just in case," he said.
"Just in case what Arnavji?" asked Mrs.Khushi Kumari Gupta Arnav Singh Raizada.
"In case you forget that you're mine, though I don't really want you, you useless piece of worthless, futile scrap!" said ASR.
"When you talk down to me like that, I just want to play Holey all by myself!" said Mrs.Khushi Kumari Gupta Arnav Singh Raizada excitedly.
"What do you mean?" asked ASR.
"I don't know. I talk out of my ass, remember?" said Mrs.Khushi Kumari Gupta Arnav Singh Raizada innocently.
"I'm beginning to think your ass has some wit after all," said Arnav.
"Sangat ka asar, Arnavji. Living with you, basking in the benign glow of your superior intelligence, some of that genius rubs off on me too. But it's truly all because of you. If my ass makes sense, I give you the credit for that," said Mrs.Khushi Kumari Gupta Arnav Singh Raizada.
"Hmm. I'm not surprised. I have that effect on people. Laxmi is potty trained because I glared at her when she pooped on my shoes when she first came into the house. Since that day, she goes quietly to her bathroom and does her thing when she needs to. She even flushes. She even uses toilet paper," said ASR proudly.
"Oh Revered One, not only does she flush and use toilet paper, but her toilet after she's used it! It smells like fresh roses!" said Mrs.Khushi Kumari Gupta Arnav Singh Raizada.
"Ha! Has she also learned to spray room freshener after she's done?" asked ASR proudly.
"No. No. Her excreta now smells pleasant Arnavji. That one glare you gave her, it froze her innards so that it took them sometime to thaw. And then with the power of positive thinking using the energy she channelized from your one look, she has converted her poo to smell like roses instead of poo," said Mrs.Khushi Kumari Gupta Arnav Singh Raizada.
"Just imagine what would have happened if I'd actually touched her? Like run my hand through her fur?" asked ASR, ruminating.
"Oh. No. No. No. Arnavji. Someone like you must distribute their favors with discretion. Besides she may not have been able to bear it. She may died of excessive bliss," explained Mrs.Khushi Kumari Gupta Arnav Singh Raizada.
"Hmm. OK. How do you know all this though Mrs. Khushi Kumari Gupta Arnav Singh Raizada?" asked ASR.
"Oh! I share her bathroom. After all, your room is out of bounds for mere mortals. I don't ever hope to sleep at the foot of your bed, or use the same Bathroom for my ablutions as you. Oh No! Your Grandmother's goat's bathroom is good enough for me Arnavji!" said Mrs. Khushi Kumari Gupta Arnav Singh Raizada.
"Well, that's true." Said ASR. "OK. Go home. Wait for me. We'll play Holey. I'll make holes in places you didn't know had potential, OK Mrs. Khushi Kumari Gupta Arnav Singh Raizada?"
"When you say my name like that Arnavji!" breathed Mrs. Khushi Kumari Gupta Arnav Singh Raizada, "Even this super long name seems too short. I wish it were longer so I could hear you speak a little more!"
"That's what they all say!" smiled ASR genially. He was used to this. People usually fainted in the face of his magnificence. Khushi Kumari Gupta Arnav Singh Raizada was the only one who could bear the radiant heat he emanated and NOT have her brains addled. (Though that was partially because being a female she didn't have much of a brain to begin with!) That's why he had married her.
"First Holey after getting married is supposed to be the best," he heard her say. "I'll be waiting for you by the poolside with my knees tucked underneath me on the cold, hard floor because I can't bear to park my Ass on a chair that has been touched by yours Arnavji!" said Khushi Kumari Gupta Arnav Singh Raizada.
"You do that Mrs. Khushi Kumari Gupta Arnav Singh Raizada!" said ASR. "Oh, and by the way, today is not just Holey it's also Women's Day. Why they need a day to celebrate an inferior species that was created clearly by accident I don't know, but there it is!"
"Oh! Women's Day," said Mrs. Khushi Kumari Gupta Arnav Singh Raizada. "OK. Should I be celebrating?" she asked.
"Only if you think there's anything about you worth celebrating, you worthless, paltry piece of junk!" said ASR.
"Well, of course there is Arnavji. I'm your wife. Albeit for 6 months. But I'm your wife. That makes me Mrs. Khushi Kumari Gupta Arnav Singh Raizada. That is certainly worth celebrating." Said Mrs. Khushi Kumari Gupta Arnav Singh Raizada.
"Tell you what, I'll make a sugar-free Jalebi cake that says 'Happy to be Mrs. Khushi Kumari Gupta Arnav Singh Raizada' and when you come home you can cut it Arnavji," said Mrs. Khushi Kumari Gupta Arnav Singh Raizada.
"Actually, just write Happy to be Mrs. Arnav Singh Raizada on the cake. That should be enough to celebrate you. After all, its all me, really!" said ASR.
"As you say, Revered One!" said Mrs. Khushi Kumari Gupta Arnav Singh Raizada. She touched his feet as was customary when she left his August presence. Then she skipped home quickly to bake the cake that was to celebrate her feminity. Joy was too simple a word to explain her emotions. She felt lucky to be his. Oh-so-lucky!
It was going to be a magnificent Holey Women's Day!
Cheers!
Vidhya/Maxine
PS: I told you it was nonsense. *runs*
PPS: For more Nonsense see here- Index
Ishaani
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