50-50
Did she say that she is his business partner? "Partner"? Why I feel like my life has been sucked out of me just like the day I lost cheeku? No! We lost cheeku.
Yes all these years I was only concentrating on my loss. I lost my child. I have to leave my house. My husband blamed me and in turn I have to leave my husband too. But all these years I have forgotten it was not just me. That day even he could remember the exact years, months and days we are separated. I could see the pain in his eyes where he has lost his dreams, his will to live, his wife has also left him leaving him all alone. Sita Maiyya has given me a little hope to hold on to but my ABP was all alone hurting himself. The multiple injuries is the proof how he must have lived all these years. It was not until she said they are partners though in business I realised we were 50-50 in everything so how can I forget we were 50-50 in pain too. Am I hurt because he gave my 50% to somebody else. But it's just business why am I getting so much effected. Also he never said he gave it to her. Anyway some day he has to move on that he has to give someone that 50% right so why I feel that the broken pieces of my heart has now crushed and what is left is just the powder of my excruciating pain? It's just because it is her that I must be reacting this way. Because I can not understand why would he do business with someone he didn't like. The one who was so mean to his wife. May be that is the reason of my anger nothing else.
Is it? Don't you feel anything else?
Pain?
Anything else?
Jealousy?
No way.
Then what?
Love?
Love.... No it can't be I can just hate him I can never love him again he has broken me beyond repair.
And by leaving him I have done the same with him. I should have fought. But he himself told...
You could have found the way. Except that you were blinded.
Yes I was blinded by the tears of pain of loss...
But haven't I found a partner for myself too? Isn't the little girl my partner? So why would I wrong him because he is doing business with her?
As she was thinking this outside her house she heard someone called her Imlie. The voice that still could make her heart jump with joy. He was there.
When she left I saw her eyes. Those disappointing eyes. Why was she so disappointed? I can do business with whoever I want. What's with her? Why I felt that her eyes were accusing me? Why I felt that those eyes were telling me how could you give my 50% to anyone else? Have I really given that 50% to others? Could she not see that it's just business? I have not even cared about my 50% why would I give hers to someone else? Someone who has tried to ruin her life multiple times. Someone who could never see her happy. That must be it, that must be the reason she was disappointed that I am doing business with the person who with both doesn't like. She must be disappointed in me for that. But I am disappointed in her too. She could have taken care of Chee....
Get over it Aryan.
Get over? Can you get over it? That pain just makes me a living corpse. I breathe because I know she is there somewhere on this earth. But can I tell her that?
Never. I can never tell her because she is the reason...
But have you ever thought that she was equally devasted when he left this world? She was carrying him how could she not feel? She should have been empty when she felt something was gone from within her. Was it the dream of me alone? Wasn't she also dreaming the same? Was it just me who broke? She must have been the same. How could I not see this all these years? Should I go to her and explain her that the lady and me are just business partners?
When I turned I saw him. He was standing as if his eyes were about to shower the rains of his pain that he was trying to hold for so long and at the same time Sita Maiya's eyes started to shower the rain of his pain... Our pain
I slowly started walking to her trying to understand those eyes which were clouded with the pain that could be seen in my eyes. Yes I could feel my pain was reflecting in her eyes. The way my eyes were not just showing my pain alone it was hers too.. It was ours. Whatever we did we were always 50-50
As he started walking I could see that the pain in his eyes is not just his alone it was mine too. So I was, and still am his other 50. We had always been like this 50-50. As he approached towards me I could no longer just stand still my legs automatically over forward as if he was some magnet that was making me move.
I saw her coming. My heart felt hope. It's not just me she too took a step forward. She is also willing. I wanted to tell her how lonely I am without her. How could I not take a single breath without thinking about her. I wanted to tell her I know I am an idiot. But she must know that already.
Yes I know he is an idiot but I have been a bigger one. I left him alone and I knew how miserably he would live yet I left him alone. I wanted to tell him how much I missed him. How I cried every night thinking about him. How I took my phone to call him every morning and then just keep it aside because I was scared to hurt him.
After walking a few steps we were so close to each other that I could see her eyes flooding with tears. I am sure she could not see me clearly with those eyes. But I was no better my eyes were cloudy too. I slowly raised my hand to wipe her tears. The moment I touched her..
I hugged him. I hugged him so tight. That embrace was the safest place in the world. I knew that because I felt that numerous times today was no different. I cried and cried and he patted my back softly as if to tell me I am there. That is the only thing in the world I want at the moment.
She cried the thing I hate the most is her tears. I couldn't control myself and the drops accumulated in my eyes started to flow slowly. They were silent just like me. Her tears were screaming just like her. I just wanted her to feel safe and to assure her I am there. I wanted to tell her never leave me again I am nothing without you.
Suddenly I felt something moist near my neck. That time I realised he must be crying too. He was trying to make me feel safe it was my time to make him feel safe. I pulled out of his embrace. I saw in his eyes. The rains have completely drenched both of us but this rain has washed out all the hard feelings we had for each other for so many years. This rain has given me back the thing which was always mine. He has kept his word this rain is now my friend again because in this rain I am with my ABP. I saw into his still blurry eyes for a while and slowly lifted myself on my toes and gave a kiss on his forehead.
I was shocked. She kissed my forehead as if letting go all the things that kept us away from each other that was the moment I lost my control and I pressed my lips on to hers.
As his lips touched mine I could feel the longing he had for me all these years. I wanted to tell him that I longed for him too. I wanted to tell him I was no better than him and suddenly I heard my amma calling me. I was so embarrassed that I didn't know what to do because... Puff. I was just standing in rain all alone. Was he not there? I just saw him now. He was there right? What are doing there alone in the rain? My amma said from the house. Come back. That time it dawned on to me I was all alone all this while and my knees gave out.
As she was responding to my kiss with her fire as if to prove that she longed for me too my phone suddenly rang. "What the hell? " I muttered under my breath and my eyes flung open. I was in my lodge room. It was raining heavily outside but she was nowhere. I suddenly felt that darkness is pulling me towards itself again and with no reason for me to fight with it I let it overpower me.
P. S. I didn't edit anything and just scribbled from my phone.
