Chapter 24
bleeding heart, confused soul
After completing his final exams, Kesar started his journey back to the village with heavy heart, even prospect of seeing Gulaal after 4 months did nothing to lighten up his mood, Talli was his only hope to stop this unwanted engagement and then the marriage but she was just happy being his so called wife, the tag that will give her nothing but a name, he sighed and closed his eyes momentarily but opened it almost immediately trying to register a face, a face that was at the wheels of passing by truck, then remembering something he turned around with a jolt and started following the truck'..
There were two people shadowing him from the city one, stopped to make a phone call, another turned around and followed Kesar, keeping reasonable distance'.
PB couldn't contain her joy and was at the door every few minutes to look out,even when Gulaal had told her not to expect him till evening, she had asked JK to arrange for a pooja as her son was going to return for good and had requested DB to come over for the sake of pooja at least as she had been staying with Sarben since Kesar's departure four months ago, she only came to visit MB and had refused to talk to Gulaal or anyone else even when Gulaal had offered to explain the reason behind Kesar's acceptance of PB's proposal'..she had withdrawn completely into her shell just like MB, they were part of the family but yet felt like they both lived in their own world'Gulaal who had noticed this change in both tried her level best to make them understand, siting PB ,Sudha and Talli's happy faces, MB had just sighed and turned away saying he did not see any point in making her understand as she did not want to see something that was very obvious, she was pushing Kesar into life full of misery, if she did not want to accept Kesar as her husband it was one thing but condemning him to something that will make his life difficult for every second of his remaining life was completely another, she had always pride herself in doing right thing then how come she was doing something so wrong with Kesar and how come she was so oblivious to this'.
Gulaal after listening to MB was forced to think on the conversation that had led to Kesar's acceptance of marriage proposal with Talli'."Teri har shart mujhe manjoor hai Gulaal,teri baat main kaise taalu, agar tujhe iss ghar mein dekhne ke liye mujhe yeah agnee pariksha se gujarna hoga toh yehi sahi..Gulaal'tu bas vaada kar tu mujhe aur iss ghar ko chodke kahi nahi jayegi'"Gulaal shut herself in her room and cried out in pain, In her quest to fulfil her promise she had been blind to her Kesar's plight, how could she not see that she was putting him through so much pain ,so much grief,he loved her, always had and she knew and accepted that now so why was she forcing him into unwanted relationship 'just to keep her promise''.she had to speak to Talli and get her to understand'after all she would never be happy with Kesar'.she deserved someone who loved her,would keep her happy, who would fulfil all her desires, this was so wrong'.yes she must speak to her first and then to Kesar''
"Ha, Dushyant Bha Kesar kissi truck ka picha kar raha hai,nahi hum uske piche hi the,main aapko suchit karne ke liye ruk gaya tha,ha aap fiker na kare hum usse koi musibat mein nahi padne dege..jee..jarur'hum saher se jo gali..dakshin ki taraf..wahi'."
Kesar overtaking the truck had started blocking it's path in his attempt to force the driver to apply brakes but he had seen Kesar following him and was trying to speed up wanting to get away from the city roads as fast as he could'.He was dangerously close to Kesar's bike when two other bike suddenly overtook the truck and started blocking vehicle's path as well, one colliding with the side and losing balance completely was thrown on the path of oncoming truck'Kesar made a split second decision to grab the man by his collar and get him on the bike away from the oncoming vehicle's path''.but this act of his allowed the truck driver to escape into traffic ,frustrating him no end and his frustration he grabbed the shirt collar of the man he had rescued demanding to know why they had been following him'..
Gulaal walking into Talli's room had closed the doors behind and setting her down on the bed had asked her why she didn't tell her anything about her visit to the city few months back'.
Surprised and shocked by Gulaal's question Talli had replied honestly about meeting with Kesar and his strict instruction to keep the meeting secret'.
"Talli mein janti hu Kesar tujhse kya kehna chahta tha,bachpan se uski aadat rahee hai, sach ka saath dene ki'.usne tujhe sacahi se waqif karne bulaya tha hai na,yehi ki who yeah sagaai sirf mere kehne pe karne ke liye rajee hua hai,Talli mujhe maaf kar de,shayad meri samaj mein yeah baat bahut der se aayee hai lekin tu iss vivah se khush nahi reh paayegi,apne mann ko tatol le,kya tu sach mein aise insaan ke saath khush reh paayegi jo kissi aur se pyaar karta ho'."
"Gulaal yeah sab ab kehne se kya fayda,ha mein janti hu woh tujhe chahta hai,bahut chahta hai, aur yeah baat mein tab se janti hu jabse tum hame pathshaala chode aaya karti thi aur woh'uski aanke bas hamesha tum pe tiki rehti thi'baate bhi woh hamesha tumhaari hi karta tha,Gulaal ko jara si bhi deri ho jatti thi toh jaise bawla ho jata tha'sabra naam ki toh koi cheez thi hi nahi usme'yeah har cheez janti hu mein'har tadap samajhti hu mein'phir bhi main yeah shaadi ke liye kyun tayyar hu yehi janna chahta ho na tum'."
"Jaha tak maine tujhe jana hai Gulaal,tune sirf aur sirf Vasant bha ko chaha hai,unke sapno ko pura karne ke liye tune apne jeevan samarpit ker diya hai,unke dikhaye hue raaste pe chalke tune iss ghar ko aur iss gaav ko ek atut dor mein baandh diya hai,main iske liye tumhaari bahut aabhari hu Gulaal''per main tumhari tarah mahan nahi hu,ek aam ladki hu,mere bhi kuch sapne hai,aashayein hai,kuch ischayein hai,main unhe saakar karne ki koshish toh kar sakti hu na'.maine hamesha Kesar ko hi apna sab kuch samjha'bachpan se sirf usse hi apna jeevansathi manti aayee hu'yeah jante hue bhi ke Kesar kabhi mujhe woh pyaar woh khushi nahi de payega jo woh tumhare saath baat sakta hai main apni taraf se usse khush rakhne ki puri koshish karungi '..aur agar meri yeah koshish karne se Sudha Ma ko sachi khushi milti hai toh aisi koshish mein jindagi bhar karti rahungi'jab se yeah shaadi ki baat chali hai unki aanko mein ek chamak si laut aayi hai'maine unhe hamesha apne pati ke virah mein tadapte dekha hai'aaadhi raat ko ghut ghut ke rote dekha hai..agar mere iss vivah se unhe khushi milti hai toh main yeah jarur karungi Gulaal'chahe phir mujhe jindagi mein khushiya mile na mile'.."
Gulaal was stunned and speechless, she had always though Talli to be immature and childish but her arguments and thoughts had rendered her completely immobile, and she didn't know what to say to her so continued staring at her with a crushing feeling in her heart'.
Kesar was venting his anger on the guy who was responsible for making him lose the track of the truck driver when Dushyant stopped his jeep near the bike breaking the tussle between the two'.
"Kesar maine tujhe mana kiya tha na,kissi bhi zamele mein padne se,tu kyun nahi meri baat sunta'chal ab jeep mein beth,Raghu tu Kesar ki bike leke aa ja'.."
"Mujhe kissi ke saath kahi nahi jana hai,aap ko maine pehle bhi kaha hai,mere maamle mein mat padiye,aap jayiye yaha se'.."
Dushyant who was worried about Kesar and his reckless attitude decided he had to force Kesar to abide as he was never going to get his way with him, knowing how stubborn he was alighted from the jeep and grabbed Kesar forcibly and threw him into the jeep threatening him with dire consequences if he moved even an inch and then handed the bike keys to Raghu
Seething in anger, Kesar was about to get out of the jeep when Dushyant started and speeded in direction of village''
After reaching the village, Kesar had no choice but to alight and wait at the door till PB completed the Aarti'.still simmering he stepped inside the house asking for MB
"Upar hai MB apne kamre mein,pehle mujhe toh mil le,phir jake unse bhi mil lena, itni bhi kya jaldi hai" GK hugged him and that only added to his irritation, he wanted to get away and see MB before Dushyant went and spoke to him about his little adventure, finally managing to free himself from everyone who had gathered there to welcome him, he found MB in his room sitting in his chair looking completely lost and oblivious to all the commotion that was going on in the living hall
He just stopped at the door studying his father, he had aged considerably in last four months ,worry and frown had replaced the soft smile, eyes that always lit up with love and affection upon seeing him was lost and resigned to the fate ,Kesar sat down near his feet holding his face between MB's palms trying to tell him about his helplessness, wanting that acknowledgment from him, acceptance of his decision as there was no other option and he wanted him to stand with him every step of the way, MB finally accepted his silent plea and agreed to go along with his decision putting his hand over his head and closing his eyes'..
Gulaal was expecting Kesar to make back door entry in her room as he always did but when she saw him heading straight for MB's room her smile had turned into a frown and she had started pacing aimlessly muttering '.."pata nahi kya samajhta hai apne aap ko,milne bhi nahi aaya,..bahut kehta phirta tha'main nahi reh sakta tere bina'chaar mahine ke baad bhi milne ki koi jaldi nahi'abhi jake theek karti hu saari akad'.She marched into his room closing it with the bang but not locking it'waiting'."
After what seemed like eternity he finally made his way to his room and was pleasantly surprised to find Gulaal waiting with her hands folded near the window'."Tu yaha hai,main tujhe saare ghar mein dundh aaya,mujhe tujhse kuch puchna hai'.."
"Ha mujhe toh tu tabhi yaad karta hai na jab tujhe kuch chahiye hota hai,warna toh chaar mahine baad bhi milne ki jarurat mehsoos nahi hoti kyun hai na''" she asked half sulking half complaining
Amused but not surprised,Kesar smiled and replied'."Aadat dal lo,ab toh mujhpe kissi aur ka haq hoga na tumse pehle'.mera daan jo karne ja rahee ho.'.."
Gulaal who was bit unnerved by Kesar's statement even though he was saying it quite jovially decided she had enough and retorted "Tu Dushyantji ke saath kaise aaya,kahi raaste mein'."
That did hush Kesar up mometarily, before he gathered himself to ask her about the truck driver he was chasing and lost because of Dushyant's interventions, when Talli barged in the room with "Tujhe PB niche bula rahee hai Kesar,arrey Gulaal tum bhi yehi ho chalo na rasoi mein kitna kaam hai'."
"Talli ab tum kafi badi ho gayee ho,kissi ke kamre mein aate waqt darwaja khatkhata ke aana chahiye,itna toh tumhe malum hona chahiye na'"'.Gulaal had spoken with slight irritation in her voice that had startled Kesar who was looking at her as if he was seeing her for the first time'..
Talli who was bit crestfallen with Gulaal's remark recovered swiftly and retorted with a smile'"arrey apne hone wale pati ke kamre mein aane ke liye kya ijjzat ki jarurat hoti hai,main toh yuhi'."
Gulaal was momentarily stunned when Talli made her claim.It hurt her in a way she had never expected.Kesar's words spoken in jest earlier had already pricked her heart and now Talli's claim left it bruised.Suddenly she was irritated with Talli.She took a deep breath and spoke in a soft but determined tone,"Talli...hone waala pati '..lekin ab tak hua toh nahi hai na...kaash mein tujhe yeh baat tabhi samjha pati jab samjhaani chahiye thi toh shyad yeh nobat hi na aati'Kesar se teri shaadi tay zaroor hui hai lekin abhi hui toh nahi ''tab tak uski patni main hoon'...aur jab pati,patni ek kamre mein baat kar rahe ho tab kisi tisre ko bina darwaza khatkhataye nahi aana chahiye'. '"'.she walked out in a huff with that declaration leaving Talli speechless and Kesar stunned
Kesar could not believe what he had heard, he was replaying Gulaal's declaration again and again in his mind ,it was first time she had acknowledged him as Pati, he didn't know to cry with joy, elation, bliss or just out of desperation, pain and heartache'.it was all he wanted, all he ever wanted but something he had accepted he will never have place in Gulaal's heart, her acceptance of him as her partner, her love as her Pati'..No he didn't want to believe what he heard, his hopes had been dashed time and again and he had agreed for this marriage only so that she could fulfil her promise and could be relieved of her obligations, to be the same Gulaal she once was, full of life, ever smiling, totally lost in herself, oblivious to world's devious ways'that Gulaal who loved his brother like no one ever could, no one ever will'.that Gulaal who he loved, he adored, he could die for ,he would do anything for'including this marri'he couldn't bring himself to complete the word and closed his eyes slowly allowing the tears to escape one more time thinking of his Gulaal''
Gulaal ran into her room and shut it behind her with a bang.She could feel the tears flow from her eyes freely. Gulaal moved towards the mirror in her room and looked at herself, "yeh mujhe kya ho ra hai?maine Talli ke saath is tarah se baat kyun ki? Aakhir sach hi toh keh rahi thi woh''main bhi isi din ka intezaar kar rahi thi'.yehi toh chahthi thi main'.ab main apni jimmedariyon se mukt hone jaa rahi hoon.Vasant se kiya hua har vaada poora karne jaa rahi hoon''phir mujhe itni takleef kyun ho rahi hai''Kesar toh yehi mere paas,meri aankhon ke saamne hi rahega phir bhi aisa kyun lag raha hai ki who mujhse hamesha ke liye door jaa raha hai'.."
"Main Gulaal ke pass hi sounga,aap mujhe yaha se nahi le ja sakti DB,aur ab toh Vasant Bha bhi nahi hai na,toh itne bade kamre mein Gulaal ko raat ko akele darr lagega na'.main kahi nahi jaunga'.."
"Gulaal,chal na itna maza aa raha hai,Devki aur Reva ko toh maine pura kala aur peela kar diya hai rango se,per sab gulaal toh tere liye hi hai na,tujhpe aur koi rang acha bhi nahi lagta,ab chal na jaldi'."
"Gulaal,mujhe chod ke mat jao Gulaal,wapas aa jao,Vasant bha bhi chale gaye ,ab tum bhi ja rahee ho,Gulaal main nahi reh sakta tumhare bina'Gulaal'" and the heart wrenching screams of 12 year old Kesar pierced through to Gulaal's soul shaking her to the core after all these years ''
She would never ever see that ziddi Kesar again,who will always get his way with her,The right that he always exerted on her whether it was sharing the same room, demanding that she served him his meals or walked him to his school, wanting to know about each and every tear she shed, extending that hand every time they sat down beside each other, the ability to lean on his shoulder and watching the sun going down slowly taking all her worries and pains with it just by having Kesar beside her'what was she doing'.he was right'she was giving him away willingly'something that was not hers to give away''"denewala apni aadat se majboor apni koi kimiti behad kimti cheez kho baithe'."'..he had said once'..she shut her eyes tightly as if that would stop all these thoughts paying havoc in her mind'..
She opened her eyes again only to continue where she had left off'.. her conversation with Kesar where he had said that he cannot back out of the commitment to marry Talli as he was doing it to save her honour, her promise ,it was the least he could do to relieve her of her obligations, to keep her in front of him'to see her happy'..always
Gulaal smiled through her tears'reiterating the last line' happy'was she really'.why was something crushing her inside'why was she afraid to admit that he was as much a part of her being as she was his'why was she denying herself the right to accept what her heart was pleading her to do'.why was she turning a blind eye to the fact that she loved him too...as much if not more... she would not be able to live without him'..he was the reason she existed'she survived'.she stayed in the house'.she could think of fulfilling Vasant's dream ,he was the reason she could not cross that threshold when Vasant left her all alone, he was her reason to live'.only reason to live'.her destiny'he was her Kesar'and she was pushing him away'.she was pushing her life away'.she closed her eyes again as she was unable to face the reflection that was staring back, questioning her, guiding her, showing her, her internal feelings, shaking her to the core'..changing her'.
Days passed and Kesar took over day to day running of kharkhana, Dushyant stayed away in the city as much as possible trying to maintain the fragile truce he had formed with Kesar by not crossing his path, soon enough the day arrived that PB was looking forward to and Gulaal was dreading the most
On the engagement day Kesar had alighted the steps completely devoid of any feelings looking straight into her eyes ,the gaze was tender but steady Gulaal could feel the intensity of his gaze on her and it made her panicky She looked away and started to fiddle with flower arrangements and other decorations'.anything that would occupy her but it did not help She could feel his eyes looking directly at her and she could not help but look back at him helplessly His eyes seemed to be asking her a question'a question to which only she had the answer'.but wasn't it too late?
A quiet murmur broke her reverie. Talli was coming down the stairs in her olive green gagra choli looking very pretty She glanced back at Kesar and to her surprise he was still looking at her intently, It looked as if he had not even noticed Talli She tried to smile and moved towards Talli
"bahut pyaari lag rahi haii'",She murmured and led her to her place beside Kesar. She saw Kesar look straight ahead with a grim expression on his face.He didn't even look up to see who was sitting next to him.The pandtji started the engagement ceremony by explaining the meaning of the ritual to would be husband and wife.Panditji's words seemed to have no effect on Kesar who continued staring at Gulaal intermittently trying to gauge her reaction. He was following the instructions or rather just going through the motion.Soon the moment came when the rings were supposed to be exchanged.Sudha offered the rings to both Kesar and Talli.Kesar looked at the ring and then at Gulaal who seemed to be busy talking to Talli but he knew that she was just trying to avoid looking at him.He glanced at Talli for the first time.She looked happy'.She and Gulaal shared a laugh and it made him angry.Both the women knew how he felt about this whole thing but they did not care about him or his feelings He closed his eyes for a second trying to control his anger.Just then he heard PB's voice,"Kesar beta'.Talli ko angoothi pehnaavo'".He masked his feelings and opened his eyes.He did as he was told.Talli also did the same.He did not feel anything neither joy nor pain'but Gulaal did'she experienced a sudden loss the moment Talli put the ring on Kesar's finger''
The ceremony continued after the exchange of rings and panditji had instructed Kesar to offer ghee to the holy fire, following the instruction without paying much attention, shutting off his feeling to the world to his internal self even he was just physically there, He did not even notice that he had put his hand in the fire along with the ghee, there was no pain, no feeling, After all what could be worse than the pain that he had already going through?
It was only when Gulaal screamed that he noticed what he was doing,In an instant she was by his side forcing his hand out of the fire and pouring cold water on it
"Gulaal'",he murmured but before he could say anything else she screamed at him,"yeh kya ka raha that tu'.dhyaan kahaan hai tera????aisa koi karta hai kya?agar tujhe kuch ho jaata toh?????" Kesar continued staring at her, stunned unable to utter a word, noticing unshed tears in her eyes and her worry for him as she frantically blew air over his hand'..there was a stunned silence and calm around in the hall with everyone looking at them in shock''..
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