Jokes - Page 94

Management Styles

1. MANAGING BY WALKING FASTER THAN THE EMPLOYEES These kind of managers you will always see in the corridor, ten steps away. "We'll have to talk" you can hear them say, just as they have disappeared around the corner.

2. MANAGING BY STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW These managers you usually meet with their backside faced to you with their hands in their pockets. When you talk to them, their thoughts keep staring out of the windows.

3. MANAGING BY POST-Some managers forget everything. They want to impress you with their 'busy'ness by continuously writing on Post while you are talking.

4. MANAGING BY DELEGATION TO THE SECRETARY These managers just delegate everything to the secretary.

5. MANAGING BY KNOWING NOTHING These managers don't really know anything at all. They let YOU give answers. Meanwhile they fill the time with irrelevant anecdotes.

6. MANAGING BY CONCEPTUAL THINKING These people try to explain the present from a theoretical view of the far future. The idea that this never will work, completely satisfies them. They will always have something to talk about.

7. MANAGING BY HIDING INFORMATION Information hiders are aware of the market value of strictly secret kept information. You must be very thankful to get any information at all.

8. MANAGING BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT THE BOSS SAYS These managers prevent their bosses from creative thinking. Else they have more work to do.

9. MANAGING BY WALKING ONE FOOT BEHIND THE BOSS In hierarchical organizations you can watch those groups walking in the corridor. The more equal managers are directly followed by the lesser equal managers, and so on.

10. MANAGING BY SMILING AND WEARING NICE SUITS If you drink beer with them, lunch with them, smile to them and also wear nice suits, nothing can stop your career anymore.

11. MANAGING BY STUDYING Despite their continual attendances of all kind of studies and congresses, they still belong to category 5. The longer they learn, the further they get from the practice.

12. MANAGING BY CREATING VAGUE OVERHEAD SHEETS Do you know them? Those sheets with some big arrows, boxes or circles? These sheets provide the ultimate proof of their overall brilliance.

13. MANAGING BY OPEN DOOR AND EMPTY ROOM This is a major improvement of the older 'OPEN DOOR' management style. Now you can really walk in and out anytime you want. Nobody ever knows where these managers are.

14. MANAGING BY SPEAKING WITH OTHER MANAGERS This kind of managing is very popular. It will give them within a few hours the same information as an employee can tell them in 15 minutes.

15. MANAGING BY HAVING A NON SUPPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE In an organization with a hopeless infrastructure, managers are really necessary. These managers will naturally prevent the organization from having a better infrastructure.

16. BUA MANAGEMENT ( BY USING ABBREVIATIONS ) This management style is ATRASACWOC ( Adopted To Reach A Shorter And Clearer Way Of Communication ).

17. MANAGING BY USING BUZZ WORDS These managers like to bluff your head off with hip, nearly undefined, terms.

18. MANAGING BY REORGANIZATION If they think there is nothing more to organize, they reorganize.

19. MANAGING BY BELIEVING These managers must be spiritual educated, because they have no clues at all.

20. MANAGING BY FORGETTING PROMISES If you remind them to one of their promises, the priority of that promise is too low to remember

Old Age Alphabet

A's for arthritis,
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains - perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.

H is high blood pressure - I'd rather it low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show...
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!

P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus - there's bells in my ears!
U is for urinary... big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.

W is for worry - NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found;
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have - in my mind.

You know you're a mom when...

You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.

You want to take out a contract on the kid who broke your child's favorite toy and made him/her cry.

You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

You child throws up, and you catch it.

Someone else's kid throws up at a party, and you keep eating.

You consider finger paint to be a controlled substance.

You mastered the art of placing large quantities of pancakes and eggs on a plate without anything touching.

Your child insists that you read Once Upon a Potty out loud in the lobby of the doctor's office, or, better yet, in the lobby of a Grand Central Station... and you do it.

You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night talking about and checking on the kids.

You hope ketchup is a vegetable because it's the only one your child eats.

You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons, while your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun.

You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.

You hate the thought of his wife even more.

You donate to charities in the hope that your child won't get that disease.

You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into unusual shapes.

You fast-forward through the scene when the hunter shoots Bambi's mother.

You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.

You obsess when your child clings to you upon parting during his first month at school, then obsess when he skips in without looking back the second time.

You can't bear to give away baby clothes -- it's so final.

You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, "Not in your good clothes!"

You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.

You read that the average five year old asks 437 questions a day and feel proud that your kid is above average.

You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job", but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything in the world...

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for
the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone,
staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?"

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up
the trail."

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?"

"A tough call," nodded the hunter "but I figured no one is going
to steal Henry."

One Sunday in the church, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, Mr. Jones gave her a good poke in the leg with a hat pin as the minister was asking,"Who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?"

"Jesus!" Mrs. Jones cried out as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the sharp hat pin.

"Yes! You are correct, Mrs. Jones!" came the minister's quick reply.

Mrs. Jones then turned and glared angrily at her husband. Soon, Mrs. Jones again nodded off.

"Who is your redeemer?" the minister asked the congregation.

"My God!", howled Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin.

"Right again!", the minister said.

Mrs. Jones again gave her husband a real hard threatening glare. Before long, she again nodded off.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones jumped up and shouted, "You stick that thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it where the sun don't shine!"

"Amen!" replied all the women in the congregation.

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his plane into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."

He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment, but no one seemed annoyed.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking with a cane. She approached and asked, conspiratorially, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why no Ma'am, what is it?"

"Did we land or were we shot down?"

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says,"Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
"Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lbs black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weights 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's is a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says,"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

👏 👏 👏 Vani,u're really entertaining us with many jokes yaar.i liked Mr & Mrs.Jones,i thought of me & my hubby. 😃

😆 😆 😆 the mr.mrs jones was really good naa 😆 😆

This psychiatrist walks into his waiting room and sees two men. One is hanging upside down from the ceiling. The other is sawing an imaginary piece of wood. The doctor approaches the man who is sawing and asks him what he is doing.

'I'm sawing wood,' the man replies.

'And what's your friend doing?' the doctor asks.

'Oh, he thinks he's a light bulb.'

'Well, don't you think you should tell him to get down? The blood is rushing to his head.'

'What, and work in the dark?'