Created

Last reply

Replies

1.5k

Views

85.1k

Users

58

Likes

14

Frequent Posters

jasunap thumbnail
19th Anniversary Thumbnail Rocker Thumbnail Engager Level 1 Thumbnail
Posted: 17 years ago
thank you.... here is another...

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balchoy."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and St. Peter asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
jasunap thumbnail
19th Anniversary Thumbnail Rocker Thumbnail Engager Level 1 Thumbnail
Posted: 17 years ago
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and
calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this
car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,
please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and
examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't
have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying b*****d told you I was speeding too.
jasunap thumbnail
19th Anniversary Thumbnail Rocker Thumbnail Engager Level 1 Thumbnail
Posted: 17 years ago
A guy walks in for his interview.
The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."

Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."

2nd guy walks in for his interview.

The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."

Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."

This guy on the way out says to the 3rd guy "What ever you do, don't say anything about his not having any ears - He'll kick you right out."

3rd guy walks in for his interview.

The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy looks at the interviewer intently for a few seconds and responds, "Why, you wear contact lenses don't you."

The interviewer says, "That's impressive that you're so observant. How could you tell I wear contact lenses?"

3rd guy "Because you don't have any damn ears to hang glasses on."
Fluidd thumbnail
18th Anniversary Thumbnail Voyager Thumbnail
Posted: 17 years ago
We have all learned to live with "voice mail" as a
necessary part of modern life.
But have you wondered, what if God decided to install
voicemail ?"

Imagine praying and hearing this:

Hi! Thank you for calling GOD.
Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for Requests
Press 2 for Thanksgiving
Press 3 for Complaints
Press 4 for All Other Inquiries.
Else wait for our Customer Support Executive.

What if God used the familiar excuse...
"I'm sorry, all of our angels are busy helping other
sinners right now. However, your prayer is
important to us and will be answered in the order it
as received, so please stay on the line."

Can you imagine getting these kinds of responses as
you call God in Prayer:
If you would like to speak to Ganeshji, Press 1.
For Lord Hanuman, Press 2.
For Lord Krishna, Sorry He is on Annual Leave!
For a directory of other God's & Angels, Press 3.
If you would like to hear Narad singing a Bhajan while
you are holding, please press 4.
To find out if a loved one has been assigned to
Heaven, Press 5,
Enter his or her PAN number, then press the 0 key.
If you get a negative response, try area code 420 for
(Hell).
Our computers show that you have already prayed once
today.
Please hang up and try again tomorrow.
This office is closed for the weekend to observe a
religious holiday.
Please pray again Monday after 9:30 AM. If you need
emergency assistance
when this office is closed, contact your local Priest
at your neighbourhood Temple.

THANK GOD, HE DOESN'T HAVE VOICE MAIL AND LISTENS
WHENEVER WE PRAY!!!!!
Kavitha Ravi thumbnail
19th Anniversary Thumbnail Dazzler Thumbnail Engager Level 1 Thumbnail
Posted: 17 years ago
Nice one Fluidd, I am sure God will go crazy if he has a voicemail
Vani19 thumbnail
18th Anniversary Thumbnail Dazzler Thumbnail
Posted: 17 years ago
Jas and Uma good one gals. Had a good laugh 😆 😆
girivanam thumbnail
18th Anniversary Thumbnail Rocker Thumbnail
Posted: 17 years ago
Jas ! I am laughing at 12.13 am 😆 😆 😆. Fluidd! That was thought provoking 😊, now I know Jas is laughing 😃
jagdu thumbnail
17th Anniversary Thumbnail Dazzler Thumbnail
Posted: 17 years ago
Fluidd, sariyana loose!
God and voicemail!!

Here's one I heard on Npr.
In light of the terrorist threat:
Camilla would be safe in India.
Reason? Cows are worshipped in India.
Beef is banned.


Vani19 thumbnail
18th Anniversary Thumbnail Dazzler Thumbnail
Posted: 17 years ago

A blonde and a brunette were watching the 11 o'clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge.

The brunette turns to the blonde and says, "I bet you $50 the man is going to jump."

The blonde replies, "Okay you're on."

Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50.

The brunette says, "Listen, I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then."

"No, you have to take it," says the blonde. "I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again."

Edited by Vani19 - 17 years ago
Vani19 thumbnail
18th Anniversary Thumbnail Dazzler Thumbnail
Posted: 17 years ago
Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for
lunch. At the beginning of the line there was a large pile of
apples. A nun had written a note,

"Take only one, God is watching."

At the end of the line there was a large stack of chocolate chip
cookies. A boy wrote a note and left it on the cookies that said,

"Take all you want, God is watching the apples."

Related Topics

Top

Stay Connected with IndiaForums!

Be the first to know about the latest news, updates, and exclusive content.

Add to Home Screen!

Install this web app on your iPhone for the best experience. It's easy, just tap and then "Add to Home Screen".