This update goes out to our birthday girl Charu (1chilly). Dekho, I am updating two days earlier than promised! Wish you the bestest year ahead, my dear friend! Much love 🤗 This is for you 😃
Chapter 30:
"Nani please, stop worrying. I'm taking a holiday, shouldn't you be happy?" Arnav explained for the nth time that evening at the dinner table. He had dropped Khushi at the station that morning, and decided to break the news about his decision to take some time off to his family at dinner.
He knew it would surprise both Aakash and Devyani, but the shock-cum-paranoia with which his grandmother had taken the news was unexpected. Aakash too looked flummoxed, as if it was some kind of complex physics that he had been asked to wrap his mind around.
"I am glad you are taking a break, Chote. But pardon me if this idea of a holiday troubles me a bit." Devyani countered. "You have suddenly decided to take a break and travel all alone to the other end of the country. No friends, no family. "
"Nani please, I am taking this trip to take some time and relax. Who says one must always have company to go on a holiday?"
"You could have at least asked your brother!"
"Aakash has work to do, Nani. And if I take this trip will him, I'll get to do everything but relax. He will drag me to every single tourist spot and un-touristy spot in that city till I am drained of every ounce of energy in my body. Beats the purpose, don't you think? You know how he is." he leaned back on the chair and sighed, he was afraid he'd start greying before he convinced his grandmother that this holiday was a perfectly sane decision.
Aakash looked at him in half reproach for his remark and half scepticism. But much to Arnav's relief, he decided to keep quiet.
"I don't understand Chote." Devyani's voice softened. "I feel as if you want to get away from all of us. Have we done something wrong? Have we hurt you in anyway? If that is the case-"
"Nani bas!" he placed his spoon back on the plate; getting off his chair, he walked up to Devyani and sat next to her. Placing his arm around her shoulders, "Aisa kuch nahi! Its just...last couple of months have been very taxing and I thought it would be a good idea to take a few days off. It's as simple as that. I didn't mention it before because it was a rather spontaneous decision from my end too. I'll be gone for a few days and be back soon. Don't read too much into this, please? I'm a big boy, I can take care of myself. Aakash, tum samjhao naa."
Aakash correctly understood his brother's plea to actually mean - Dude, stop gawking and just help me calm her down! "Nani, bhai is right.", he tried to reassure, hoping he would sound more convincing than he actually felt. "It's just a small trip and we are overthinking it. We too felt he deserved a break, didn't we? We should be happy he is taking one."
Devyani looked at the both of them suspiciously while the brothers patiently held their breath. Finally, she looked like she had made up her mind. "Fine. I am still not entirely convinced, but like you said, you are a big boy. Go, enjoy yourself." she announced her decision. She was smiling when she raised both her hands to ruffle her grandsons' hair.
She then instructed Hari Prakash to clear the table before she retired for the night. Aakash made a mental note to speak to Payal - there was little chance that Khushi had mentioned anything about Arnav's trip to Payal, but he'd take his chances. Moreover, it was high time he had a decent conversation with Payal. She had earnestly tried talking to him several times over the past two weeks, and each time he had evaded siting the silliest excuses. He knew it was cowardly, and now he had to correct that. Damage control seemed to be the only thing the two of them were stuck doing in this relationship - either that had to change, or their relationship had to end.
Later that night, when he called Payal, the happiness in her voice soothed the dull ache in his heart. He asked if they could have dinner together the next day, and she didn't even have to think to say yes. That night, after a long time, the both of them slept peacefully.
* * *
Later that night, as he got ready for bed, Arnav chuckled as he remembered the way Khushi had kissed him at the station before she boarded her train, and the blush that adorned her face when she finally saw the shocked faces of other passengers. He wondered if it was a good time to call her. She usually slept her way through train journeys, and it was already eleven in the night. He changed and washed his face and brushed his teeth - the whole while trying to make up his mind. To call or not to call...
He nearly sprinted towards his desk when he heard his phone buzz.
"I cant sleep" the message read.
"Missing me?", he wondered if she could imagine the grin on his face as he typed.
"Nothing half as romantic. I need to pee but the toilet is awfully dirty. Stop grinning."
Trust Khushi to find herself the most peculiar troubles, he thought. "Khushi, you are travelling to a village. At least the train has a toilet."
"You're not helping."
"Just go do it. Your destination is more than 10 hours away."
"Maybe when the train stops at one of the stations on the way?"
"NO WAY. Promise me you wont step out of the train before you reach your final destination!"
"Then what do you suggest I do? I am f**king dying here!"
"Just hold you breath and close your eyes and do it. No other way."
"No. Won't work. You think I can sneak into the First Class? I'll be in and out within 3 minutes."
"No way. Listen, you have to pee and there is a toilet. Just stop thinking and GO."
"NO. f**k YOU. f**k ALL MEN. YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO SQUAT TO PEE. YOU DON'T GET TO HAVE A SAY."
"Calm down..." He didn't know what else to say, she did have a point.
"HAVE YOU EVEN SEEN THE FILTH ON THE FLOORS OF PUBLIC TOILETS? OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY STARING AT THE BETEL STAINS ON THE f**kING WALL?"
"I have seen the filth and I am aware of the stench. But that's not the point. You have to pee and NOW."
"I KNOW THAT. YOU DON'T HAVE TO REMIND ME. MY BLADDER IS ABOUT TO f**kING BURST! I AM GOING TO KILL THAT PIGHEAD MERCHANT FOR BOOKING ME ON SECOND CLASS. "
"Khushi! One. Drop the block letters. Two. Peeing in that ammonia park or peeing in your pants. Your choice."
"Arnav..."
He could perfectly picture the pout on her adorable face, complete with a red, flaring nose.
"Khushi... you know what you have to do." He couldn't believe they were discussing toilets in the middle of the night.
"Is there really no other way?"
"If there was, wouldn't you have figured it out by now?"
"Fine."
"Good girl. Remember, don't look around and try not to breathe though your nose."
He kept staring at his phone throughout the long minutes before it buzzed again.
"Done. It wasn't pleasant. But I do feel good."
"See? It wasn't so bad, was it?"
"It was worse. And I maintain, men don't get to have a say in this penis-friendly world."
"But they too make you feel good. *wink* !"
"Not the best time to talk dirty, Arnav."
"You are travelling to one of the most remote areas in the State. You do remember that?"
"We had those portable toilets arranged for us when we went for the site visit for SunEdison few months back. I am hoping they'll have something similar."
"This is no big corporate assignment, Khushi. It's a small-scale project, mostly funded by the government. Take my word - expect the worst. It may not be that bad, but its better to be prepared."
"I hate you"
"Goodnight, love."
*
*
"I miss you."
"I love you too."
* * *
Next Evening:
Payal found Aakash waiting for her at the entrance to the clinic when she stepped out after completing her shift. She smiled with some trepidation, half expecting him to turn around without returning her smile. She felt her heart expand in her chest when she saw his face shine with warmth as his lips widened and he embraced her in his arms.
On Aakash's suggestion, they decided to dine at one of their old favourites, a small Chinese joint. He'd often brought her take-outs from the place for them to feast on during the many late night rendezvous they had enjoyed in the past. Payal refrained from saying much during the drive, choosing instead to enjoy the moments of calm in just being with him, something she had missed terribly in the past weeks. She had things to say and she knew he did too. But for now, the serenity of the evening was theirs to relish.
Aakash noticed Payal's nervousness throughout dinner - he knew she was tiptoeing around him and was aware he was to blame for it. She had hardly spoken the entire time, just letting him lead the flow of the conversation. He wanted to kick himself for the icy treatment he had dished out earlier - he knew it stemmed from his insecurities more than anger at her actions, and was hence unfair.
"Would you like to take a walk?" he asked, once the attendant left to get their bill.
Payal took a moment to think, it was obvious he didn't want the evening to end just yet. She could tell there was something he wanted to do or say that he hadn't yet. "Sure", she agreed as her mind buzzed with a gazillion guesses about what Aakash had in store for her.
They settled the bill and walked together towards the sidewalk to take a turn toward a quieter, less crowded route that led towards an old church. The weather wasn't particularly pleasant; it was humid and there was little breeze. But both of them were too lost in thoughts to pay attention to any of that.
Where do I start, Aakash wondered. He wasn't used to being the one at fault in this relationship; this was uncharted territory. Payal, on the other hand, was panicking. Her imagination, like a mad horse on the loose, was running wild. It galloped and sprinted to places she never wanted to have to see.
When had she become like this? For Payal too, this feeling of anxious-helplessness was unfamiliar. She was never one to hold back fearing the consequences of her words as long as she was convinced of their rightness. She was also not one to sit back and wait for someone else to take the first step when she knew what she wanted. It was obvious that Aakash had finally made up his mind to talk to her, but perhaps didn't know where to begin.
Well, she'd make it easier for him. She'd lay the base - the focal point around which everything revolved. There was one basic truth that defined what they had, and that is what they had to turn to when in doubt. She'd bring that out, and then the ball would be in his court.
"I love you." she said. Aloud, clear.
There, she'd said it.
Aakash was surprised, but in a second realised that he shouldn't have been. This was Payal - this was the woman he had fallen in love with. She didn't do awkward silences, she hated beating around the bush. And who was he to complain when she had in fact made things easier for him now?
"I love you too.", he stated honestly. This was the starting point, wasn't it?
"Well, that's set then.", she placed her hand on her chest as she sighed in relief, feeling lighter than she had in weeks - as if a giant boulder had been finally lifted off her chest. "Where is the problem then?"
"The problem, is my inability to be happy about the fact that you seem to be so happy about flying off to another country for a whole year." Phew.
For someone who thrived on honesty in conversations, Payal didn't know how to react to what Aakash had just said. He had said it - it was the raw truth. She thought the ball would be in his court, but realised now that it was in hers. How she reacted to this would decide where they'd go from here.
Collecting her thoughts, she tried to articulate the myriad feelings in her heart as well as she could. "Aakash, I do love you, please know that. But I love myself too. Believe me when I say I am NOT delighted about leaving you. But this is something I need to do. I have worked very, very hard, Aakash. You know that better than all others. Trust me when I say I will find no joy in it if you are not with me. But I owe this to myself, for all the years of effort I put into my work. For the only dream I ever nurtured until you came into my life."
Aakash had promised himself to be fair to her this time. He knew she was right and yet, he was hurt by what she had said. It was wrong on every level, he was aware of that. Yet, here was a bruised ego that had just suffered another blow. Why didn't she need him as much as he needed her? "So what you're saying is, you love me but I have no part to play in the choices you make in your life?"
"What do you expect me to do?" Payal snapped. "You want my subservience as a proof of my love? Or grand gestures of sacrifice? Is that what you want?"
"You could have at least asked for my opinion. You walk in one fine day and announce your decision, without once discussing with me the possible consequences. And I was supposed to just accept that and move on like nothing has happened?"
"Fine, then." He'd have what he wanted, she decided. "You want an opinion, right? You want to have a say here. Go ahead then, tell me. Tell me what you want and I promise to do as you say."
"That's not what I meant dammit!" he roared in frustration and he leaned against a tree trunk on the edge of the footpath they were walking on. "I don't want to make decisions for you. I want us to make them together. You claim to love me yet everything in your life seems to work independent of this relationship. It makes me feel like an inconsequential toy."
Payal lowered her eyes, unable to bear the pain she saw in his. She realised he was perhaps right in accusing her of not involving him in her life like he had involved her in his. To trust someone was an uphill task for her, and she'd always considered that an internal battle. Had she kept it within herself so much that she'd removed him from her life? Walking up to him, she placed her hand on his stooped shoulder. "I'm sorry, Aakash. If I have made you feel that way. This...thing between us, sharing my life with someone...it doesn't come easily to me. I realise I've probably made a blunder here. Tell me what I can do to make it right, please. Tell me what you want."
He sighed and held her hand that rested on his shoulder. "I want you.", he stated plainly. "I know you love me, yet I don't feel loved. This is probably me being needy but maybe that is what I am. I want you and I to be us."
In response, she leaned in and kissed him softly, hoping it would convey more than her words could. "We are us, Aakash. We love each other. We've made our mistakes and we'll make amends. I will be away, yes. But it's only a matter of a few months. Then I will be back. And we'll have our whole lives to be together. This is something I need to do. But my life, that is with you. I need you, Aakash. Never, ever believe otherwise." she whispered against his lips.
She smiled as saw watched the light back in his eyes, and then felt his lips on hers, warm and insistent. Their kisses always did speak more than their words. They also healed the wounds their words left behind.
PS - Before you ask - Aakash forgot to ask Payal if she'd heard about Arnav's trip from Khushi. 😃
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