*ahem ahem*
I feel like giving another shock already even though I know many of you haven't yet recuperated from the previous one! I myself need a doc coz I don't know what made me write and complete another piece again?!! đ Trust me, I'm as much surprised as you all, if not more.
This isn't something based on AR (but you're free to imagine them as I did :P)... a mere fleeting thought!! So, err, yeah that's it ! Read on :
...An excerpt from 'his' diary...
Its been 9 months and 12 days already and no sign of her. Everyday the pain increases and the hope subsides. What do they say, the worst pain a person can go through is a Heartbreak! But apparently, they just say, can't feel because don't they even say, 'time heals everything'?!! For me ever since her last sight till now with no sign of her and no contact with her, my pain has been just increasing exponentially. Everything around me reminds of her, the pain is so unbearable. Her essence so palpable even now, that all I can do is let this darkness swallow me, let me wallow in my sorrows and hide around in a corner and weep my eyes out. I know ..I know ..right now all I sound is like a girl, infamous for crying at anything and everything, but trust me, we, guys are humans too and no matter how much ever muscles we build to show our strength, how much ever we mock at emotional stuff, we have a heart perhaps softer than the females. We're indeed child at heart (even though we'll never admit!)
Seriously, I can't believe am saying such stuff! Sounding like Devdas and acting like one is a nightmare for any guy! I never thought I will go through such an ordeal but perhaps, destiny has its own way to teach you. Who ever would think that my moving in to a different place here would bring such a twist in my life. The beginning was all so perfect, more like a dream, a dream so beautiful and magical! Why did things have to end this way, precisely, when they start from such a beautiful note? I can't believe. I seriously can't believe that as I'm writing this piece, my tears are just not stopping. Everything looks so blur. But then what am I supposed to do? Die and rot somewhere? NO! That's not something I ever would expect from myself. I mean this is not the end to all. Not that these thoughts never crossed my mind, of course, they did! Who wants to bear pain anyhow and esp, when things have been going so blissful around you! But I guess something in this world, something unknown, may be God, gave me the strength to think straight at such a time when your all senses are washed off. If there's pessimism all around, optimism is there too. Something surely makes me want to live and look at the brighter side. I'm broken. Harrowed. I can't help it. I can't even get her back, after all, we never know what the other person is going through or thinking for starters. I know it she wasn't bad. She surely wasn't. I wish just that this wouldn't end - all what we had between us. What did she say, 'Perhaps, we weren't meant to be!' I never got it. I never understood that. Why all of a sudden we weren't meant to be? Just like that. No reason. Nothing. I wish she would have explained it more. A bit more. Was that too much to ask? Life moves on and so does everyone - I always used to tell my friends helping them overcome their griefs but now that I, myself, am going through it I feel like laughing at those words. How hollow they sound!
But you know D, why I'm writing today after months again? I feel something around me is gonna change. Since morning, I feel those vibes around. May be I'm starting to get over my pain or may be I'm starting to re-live. Its something that right now I might not be able to put into words and express it the way I actually feel , but you know..err..like how do I explain this, the feeling you get when you want to reform yourself and start accepting your past and still feel optimistic. Its not that I don't miss her, of course, I do! So much. Its just that somehow her words still ring in my mind, 'not meant to be'! May be she was right. May be! I have no regrets in life. I'm done with complaining for now. I know she's single too and somewhere too much guilty to face anyone but its all going to be alright. Like us, many people go through a phase as this and as much as I pray to God to never let anyone go through this, I'm glad I was made to go through it! This has indeed made me stronger than ever. I had a choice in the beginning - to let anger, hatred overpower my pain or, to let everything come up to me and do what I wish for. I did. Tried every possible way to bring back those fallen apart pieces but those were all a result of my impulsiveness then, I know now .
To me, she taught that love exists. She wasn't one of those typical blondes nor the stereotypes but was a balance that my life needed then. I relied and she listened. She was always there for me in everything and anything. She even took my side against her family, just for me. I still can't forget how much I blame myself for destroying her life to that much extent, but she never complained. She was just there. She was the shoulder I needed and I was the shoulder she needed. To others, we seemed perfect. Life was bliss. But then things started falling apart, too much together. Life was not a bed of roses before too but it turned more horrifying slowly. Everything was turning mess. We fought to extreme heights. She was getting a puzzle for me slowly and it was gradually, that one day, a replica of nightmare, everything finished. Zilch.
How shattered I was, how I wanted to hate the world,kill myself, end my life and ease the torture that this cruel life was putting me through. I did all I could. I begged but she turned heartless. What a living nightmare suddenly life had become! Ache, anguish, suffering had become synonymous to life tout a coup. The feeling was as if I was on the throes of dying. It was just too much to take for my heart. The pang was new and the wretchedness was a consequence. But then life evolved and so did I.
Remember D, the times I would take out my frustration on you and just cry listening to slow emotional music. Being alone was something I found solace in. Socializing was just meant for diversion of thoughts. She had become an nondetachable part. No wonder those sleepless nights and moments of breakdown occurred so frequent. To the world I was a strong guy ready to focus on his career but only to you and myself, I was everything but strong. I was a wreck and I'm still. Just better though. I can visualize a light seeping in and its a beautiful feeling somehow. I've never felt this before. I'm glad the way I'm feeling now. The dolor seems worth for learning it all.
When I was a kid, my mom used to quote, ''Somewhere there is someone that dreams of your smile and finds in your presence that life is worthwhile so when you're lonely remember it's true, someone somewhere is thinking of you'' ... Even with the immense pain, I can't help but ponder over those words right now.. Is that true? I believe so. I never understood those words then but perhaps I do now and I've a nagging feeling that no matter things didn't work out this time, they will someday when I find that someone to share with.
To forget her is not easy nor a day's job. All I can do is rely on what they say! And a pocketful of sunshine is what I desire for now...
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Weird, right? Result of my crappy mood :| Ignore errors as haven't proof read. Just hope it wasn't girly though! *fingers crossed*
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