Originally posted by: prc_fan1
Aleeha, thank you so much for sharing your story. I cried. I have thought of running away few times, but before that, i want to make myself self-sufficient.
I am in a dilemma, because no matter how much he gets angry, he does LOVE us. I know it & i've seen it. He does get concerned about me, my mum, my brother. He constantly tells me that he is thankful for my mum because she is so hardworking & patient. He cried when i wrote him an emotional letter telling him how i felt, on his birthday, and he told me that he will allow my mum to speak to her family. My brother is studying in the US, away from us, and my dad cries when he sees my brother being such a spendthrift. He wants me & my brother to have a good future. He tells us he has no one but us. And it is true, because he has broken contacts with most people around him. He can't maintain relationships with others. With all the bad times, there are happy times as well. Seeing all this, how do i leave? Yes, he does get angry, but at the same time, he does love us. I feel like Jhanvi in these situations, where one glimpse of love from my family makes me melt & be happy. I see a ray of hope. I know he will always be hot-tempered, but i can't deny what he's done for us, I can't deny that he loves us. I can't deny that he will be shattered if we leave.
What should I do??
Wanting to make yourself self-sufficent is a good thing and I'm proud your not dwelling in a corner crying the way other victims have. Your dad, no matter how much he loves you, if he gets mad and abuses you then you should know that its going to always happen. I bet by now your dad has been making promises that he will "change" and that he will control his anger? It's not going to happen unless he gets some serious help from professionals.
Its good that you wrote an emotional letter and your dad knows whats going on. Did he allow your mom to speak to her parents though? I think, unlike my dad, your father has no problems if you politely lay down what you dont like about him. LIke the letter. If i did that my dad would have killed me by now.
does your brother have any care on whats going on in the family? does He ever talk to your father about working on his anger issues?
What your father says to you is emotional blackmail. He knows that if you guys put your mind to it, you will leave. Therefore he cries and tells you to stay by showing a side of him knowing that you will melt. Stuff like that is usually a premade plan. My dad used to do it all the time. First torture then beg for forgiveness. And My mom, would always fall for it. Then after a few days the drama and torture would start again. It wasnt just my dad who would do emotional torture, it was his parents as well. My advice for this is to count how many days he actually "repents". For me it was only 2-4 days and then the "fun" would begin. Maybe for you its longer. Observe how he interacts with your mother ( your mother because she gets the worse bit of torture: abuse and hatred). How your mother behaves?
You are not the reason that your father broke all contacts with other family. You are not the reason he is like this. He, himself is the reason. If your father was truely sad about that then he would try to change himself and also try to get into contact with the people around him. Just because he cant maintain relationships does not mean that you have to suffer.
Count how many good times you have and how many bad times. I bet the bad times would win. I want you to realise that no matter how many good times you have with your father it does not mean that you have to endure the bad times as well. I'm glad you know that he will always be hot-tempered and that his chances of changing are slim. I know you love your father and I know you know that your father loves you too, but if for that love you need to get hurt then its not worth it. And its not worth having that love as well.
Have you ever tried leaving the house? like moving out with your mother? Yes your father will be shattered, but he will get over it. You need to repeat to yourself that it was his actions and behavior that forces you to look for a way out. you need to be strong and you need to be strength for your mother. One day, your mother will hurt so much that she will end it herself.
I had a cousin sister. She committed suicide after her husband beat while being pregnant with twins and the twins died in her stomach because of wounds. It took her almost 10 years to concieve and when she did, her bloody husband killed them. she was 29 years old. Her husband starting abusing her right after marriage, and she took it quietly. We didnt know anything until the last days of her life. She couldnt handle it anymore and killed herself. I was scared that it might happen to my mother and i got her out.
Now im afraid that your mother might snap under this pain and torture and attempt to end her life. GEt out before something like that happens.
Save up money. Any money you get from your family or anyone, Save it up and use it to help you get out. Also tell someone about this. Someone who is not under your father or is a friend of your fathers. They will also help you.
I saved up for 6 months and got 2000$ canadian. its not alot but it did help when we left the house. my mom had only 50$ in her wallet. We packed up all our clothes in garbage bags and got whatever food we could and left. That was the closing chapter of our jail.
a year later, i sent my dad cash, a full $800, for all the food and money he gave me. I wanted nothing on my conscious.
Aleeha.
P.S : you dont need to cut off all contact from your dad. Just limit it to once or twice a week somewhere other than where your mom is and in a public area.
P.S.S : Sorry for replying late as well.
Edited by deadly-kiss - 13 years ago
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