The Moderator
Here, I brought some aam papad for you. Swadheenta placed a packet of their favorite mango delight on Asad's grave. A month since the case and maamu's release from prison, life was slowly itching back towards normalcy. Swadheenta had been advised a lot of rest in those initial few days, but she had recovered almost completely now and had recently started assisting mom at work again. On an emotional front, the family has journeyed from guilt and regret to understanding and acceptance. They were on their way to recovery.
Or so it seems Swadheenta thought to herself. Things had changed. The void that Abhay and Asad's loss had left would never be filled. But their loss had changed everything so much that Swadheenta feared that nothing would be normal ever again. As much as she missed her brothers, there was nothing she could do about it. But it felt to her that she was constantly loosing control over things that she could control. She thought of her "Happily ever after" that she had planned with Adarsh. All those dreams still seemed real and attainable. Yet they were so far. So far from her reach.
Amidst all these changes, the one thing that had not changed was Swadheenta's newly developed habit of spending a few minutes every afternoon with Asad at his grave. She didn't know how everyone would react if she shared this information with them, and hence had kept it a secret. When she was recovering at home, it has been harder to escape from home everyday with new excuses. But this week would be easy since she was only working half days. She could leave office early (without mom) and visit him on her way home. It would become a challenge again when she started working full day's, but she figured that she would cross that bridge when she got there.
Sitting next to his grave, with her back facing it, she opened her packet of aam papad. She turned to look at his grave, turned back to face away, turned again, then turned back. It seemed like she was struggling to share something that was on her mind, and in the end she chose not to. Forcing herself to feel cheerful nevertheless, she started There are so many new cases at work. I don't know how mom has been managing everything by herself for so long. If only had Adarsh let me start work earlier, I would have been able to help mom. But he just wouldn't let me get out of bed, let alone home. I am feeling fine, but he acts just like you. OVERPROTECTIVE!
After 2 minutes of silence she turned around to face his grave as if looking at him I met Radhika today. She is doing alright. She misses you, I can tell. But we have become good friends. Whenever either one of us is feeling a little sad, we chat with each other over phone, or meet, and remember old times. We will be alright soon. I am so glad I have her Asad.
She turned away again and bit into her aam papad as she continued I met maamu and maami a couple of days ago. I told you about it. But maami was telling me that maamu is seriously considering taking retirement. Good for him, I am encouraging him to do that. I am here to take care of them. Let him take a break. He is tired Asad. He has aged so much in these last few weeks. But I will take care of him. You don't worry about them. She turned to look at him again, as if he was watching her!
Finally, as if making her mind or rather giving up being unable to decide she added Ok listen! I cannot sit and ponder over this by myself anymore. I have been meaning to share this with you for a while now. I am convinced that it is only Abhay and you that understand me these days. Asad, I am giving up on Adarsh! Every day that I have visited you these last few days, i have lied to you. Lied to you that everything is alright. Nothing is alright. Adarsh doesn't love me anymore. He just doesn't. He feels guilty that he wasn't by my side during all this mess. Maybe he thinks he should take care of me for life now because he abandoned me when I needed him. As if hit by an epiphany she said with conviction now That is it! That is just it. He feels guilty and is now sticking by my side because of guilt. He doesn't really care about me or love me.
Now, feeling sad, she continued I love him. I asked him for some time to deal with losing you and Abhay. Just a bit of emotional space. Maybe I made a mistake, because I now realize that I needed him with me, to help me deal with your loss. I needed him by my side always to make me realize that i was not alone anymore. He is by my side, always. But there is nothing spontaneous in our relationship anymore. He acts like he has lost a war. He acts like his only job hereafter is to listen to me. He doesn't argue with me, he doesn't fight with me, he doesn't disagree with me! Maybe if I didn't ask for some space, I would be able to see the cracks in his behavior sooner. I forgot that although it may not have seemed that way, he was also fighting a battle everyday during those days, and he was also changing everyday. He needed me too, just as much as I needed him. And fighting our wars, we forgot to be there for each other.
Is it too late now Asad? I want my Adarsh back. Those silly coffee offers, those cheesy teasers, that smile that lit up his eyes but brightened my world. Ohh Asad, I want my paithyam back. If I say this to him, he will start coming back to me. But I don't want him to do it because I am asking him to, you know what I mean? I want him to help us get our life back to what we wanted it to be because he also wants it, not because I want it that way. Enough of this guilt already. It wasn't really his fault. I want my paithyam back Asad. But how am I to make him understand this?
You have always been my answer in all my problems. You always found me the solutions. What will I do now? Signing, she turned back and sat quietly for a few minutes. Then, as if determined, she turned back to look at his grave I don't care, you have to help me out this time too! You better think of something and let me know the solution by tomorrow. OK? Bye! Don't waste time now. THINK!
She quickly walked out of the graveyard and hailed a cab. As she left the graveyard, Adarsh came out from behind the tree where he had been hiding all this while. He was smiling amidst tears. He had a meeting near mom's office today and decided that he would pick Swadheenta up and drop her home. As he neared her office, he saw her step out and catch a cab. Signing to himself, he decided to go to work. Heading in the same direction as her for some distance till they had to fork, he noticed her cab taking a wrong turn, away from home. Panicking a little, he decided to follow her. He tried calling her phone, but she was not answering her phone. Now really worried, he continued to follow her cab. He was surprised when they stopped in front of the graveyard, and it hit him that maybe she was upset and missing Asad. He quickly followed her with the intent of supporting her emotionally, but her behavior when he neared her seemed odd. She did not seem upset or emotional, so he hid himself behind a tree to watch her. He would go to her only if she needed him.
When she started talking to Asad, he realized that she had been visiting him everyday. She seemed so at peace while talking to him. He felt like an intruder listening in on a private conversation and decided to walk away from there, but just as he was about to, he sensed a restlessness in her. Waiting to be certain that she was alright, he stayed back. Now, he was glad that he did, for he had heard her complain about him to Asad. As happy as he was about her cute complaints, he also had tears in his eyes. Yet again he had failed to understand her. But now, not anymore! He slowly walked towards Asad's grave
Hi Champ! This is my first visit to you. I am sorry I didn't come before. With tears now continuously flowing from his eyes, he continued I am so sorry about misunderstanding you Champ. I was so in shock after losing Abhay that I just couldn't think clearly. Nothing is an excuse. I was mean, I was wrong. Please forgive me. I was so ashamed of the way I acted that I couldn't even bring myself to face you. I am so sorry Asad. Please, I am sorry.
Suddenly realizing something, he continued Swadheenta does know you really well. She knew that you will find her a solution to her problem. And now, it is because of you that I know what it is that she wants. Despite knowing how mean and bad I was to you, you are now becoming my means to get back my Swadheenta, get back our life together. Even now you are being our moderator, our means to reach each other again. I know that you and Swadheenta shared a special bond. Although I didn't realize it then, I know it now. I know that I was the unlucky one not to have had a chance to get to know you well. I wish we could spend more time together. But now I believe for certain that you and Abhay can never leave us for good Asad. You will always be with us, always! You will be the means to all our happiness, and you will be a part of all our happiness and celebrations too. We will have a lot of time to get to know each other better! I hope you will forgive me and accept me.
Kneeling before Asad I know you sacrificed yourself to ensure that your Freedom has a good and safe life. I promise you Asad, I will make sure she is happy. I will keep her safe, I will keep her smiling. Every last responsibility of hers will be mine too. I will help her take care of maamu, maami, Radhika, everyone. I am with you Champ.
Now wiping his tears away, he sat down and stated Enough of this emotional talk. Your sister has bored you enough with it. Not me. We are the cool dudes, right? So, your sister likes my Paithyam version better! She wants to see my stalk her again? Coffee dates! You wait and watch Mrs. Sinha. You made me wait eons for my coffee. Now that I know what you want, let the fun begin! Thanks Asad. Thanks so much. I will come back again soon!
Edited by Soapoperasrfun - 9 years ago