Bajirao is sitting in his mosquito tent because hey dengue/malaria is a bitch and agony aunty (yes we will call her that) shows up and gives him an ass whooping lecture for going over his budget and threatens to cut off his pocket money. Bajirao now has his eyes set upon the Mughal empire and he accuses them of doing "ayyashee" how ironic? Bajirao goes to meet Nizam and they talk in some bhaaji and aam diplomacy (yes seriously) and the Nizam is petting his tiger and giving weird stares to bajirao which starts to creep him out and he alleges that his irraday ache nahi hai (hmm I'm getting dostana, broke back mountain, dropping the soap references). After some my sausage is bigger than your sausage bantering it's time for an item number. Bajirao decides to become some munni shiela for the night with some hip spanking dance surrounded by other dudes in this sausage festival.
Back in Saturday mansion aka shaniwar wada agony aunt is preparing for a feast because apparently Kashi Bai is baking buns in her oven. Mastani and Bajirao celebrate eid and jeet in the middle of fountain and he compliments her foundation and fair and lovely for the noor on her face and just when these two start celebrating as apparently even Mastani too is having some junk in her trunk (wow this dude is quick to populate). Mastani is being called to upon by agony aunty to do some item number but Bajirao refuses (remember #Mychoice?) and instead decides to indulge in some biryani and kebabs because he finds out its veggie day in Saturday mansion. Kashi Bai confronts bajirao about his funny business but he pulls a Bill Clinton on her and walks away saying he did not sleep with that woman (duh he was loud awake). Somehow all is forgiven and this time Kashi pulls him in the f**king fountain.
Just like any random sasta aashiq Bajirao freaks out over commitment issues and decides to send Mastani thank you but no thanks your services are no longer required yada yada letter hoping she goes away like a bad acne but Mastani is like herpes she keeps coming back and shows up in saturday mansion in the middle of the night for some hugging shugging in the mirror hall (remember these two are not only into bdsm but also exhibitionists) and Miss Quantico wakes up like a f**king Terminator from her sleep and catches them red handed (oh no). She decides to burn down the projection slide as I too get strong urges to burn down my TV at this point and we are at intermission.
In the next scene it seems a lot has happened and Kashi Bai has popped out a cheeky little bugger and daddy dearest is suddenly estatic because its a boy, its a f**king boy (boohoo girls). His party is short lived as he is suddenly called to Mastani as her bun in the oven is almost ready (damn Kashi and Mastani are like soul sisters even their calender dates are synced) anyways Bajirao arrives to find out there is no help around so Bajirao takes charges and asks her to breath, breath. He tells her to be a man and suck it up (yes you tell her) and alas they are blessed with another beautiful icky sticky little bugger boy (its raining men hallelujah).
Mastani now shows up to bless Kashi bai and her boy and these damn ladies arent happy with the dress color and they want her to go back to Walmart and exchange it (so typical). Anyways as the kids grow up so does the tension and Bajirao is probably getting tired between juggling two places so he invites Mastani to come to saturday mansion and jam it up on some kuri saturday saturday kehndi rehndi hai. Kashi bai is sitting and kosoing her kismat when she is visited by her "Nana sahib" who happens to be quite youthful and a young lad so probably he is reverse aging like Benjamin Button but she layeths him the smackdown when he disrespects her man.
Mastani too has her ass kicking boots on slicing and dicing some bad guys who are out to kill her and she gets injured. Anyways Bajirao steps down when he throws a hissy fit like a petulant child and agony aunt says no. Kashi and Mastani partake in some peacock dance in a friendly competition between the Sauten and the Suhaagan. Anyways it turns out Bajirao is again needed because the enemy is now at their doorstep but our sasta aashiq is also now become a bewdaa and spends his days in the neighbourhood tavern reminiscing over the big bang theory and global warming. 😆
He accepts to go to battle on New Years eve because he wants to drink some more. Kashi and Bajirao have a heartfelt discussion and she is probably comparing her stretch marks and weight gain but Bajirao assures her that she doesnt look fat in her jeans. He is getting ready and bid their final goodbyes (cue from director that shits going to go down) and Mastani is arrested by agony aunt and chained up in some cave. Bajirao pulls a rajnikanth on horse and battles a thousand arrows fired at him and goes into full Hulk smash mode and opens a can of ass whooping on the enemy. Mastani gives a typical asian parent lecture to her kid about studing hard, scoring 98% and earning in dollars and bids him goodbye.
Bajirao is gravely injured and resting up while Mastani is being water boarded at Guantanomo bay and the healer gives the proverbial dialogue that Bajirao ko dava ki nahi duva ki zaroorat hai (another cue from director that its bad news for Bajirao). Kashi visits Bajirao and this time not only did he forgot her name but also her face too and mistakes her for Mastani (epic burn) and talks to her in some tharki sign language but being the good ol pati pragata patni she is she is still able to secure the release of Mastani for hubby dearest.
Bajirao is starting to lose his mind and runs around in grassy lands fighting invisible demons like some video game and ventures into the water in his white lungi and pulls a Mandakni under the waterfall but thankfully nothing much is shown to scar the viewers. Agony aunt and Kashi bai witness Bajirao who is doped up and completely wasted while Mastani tries her best to pull a Bahubali and break free from the chains but is unsuccessful (because women are weak and it doesnt suit a heroine to pull a hero). Bajirao and Mastani both collapses never to rise again. Irfan narrates some sad ass recap to make us understand what the movie was all about just in case it got you confused for some extra marital affair story with a happy ending worthy of many accolades.
Anupamaa
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