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Jhalak dikhla gaya: Sridevi and Madhuri's master class for aging actresses

The Jhalak Dikhla Jaa finale on Sunday night on Colors was less about the dancing and more of a watch-and-learn tutorial for our current crop of has-been actresses on how to be, or not, from the prima donnas of yesteryears. Since the producers of the show realised that their line-up of unrecognisable celebrity dancers might not be enough to draw in the audience – especially on a night when Pakistan and India were playing cricket – they made the most of Sridevi being on a PR sprint for English Vinglish, and invited her on as a guest judge.

As a result, for the last two weeks this coup of getting the two rivals Madhuri and Sridevi on the same stage was hyped up. What it resulted in was a master class in celebrity dos-and-don'ts by the stars. So what could our actresses, present-continuous and past-perfect, learn from them?

1. When you hit 40 plus, keep the girls in. You have to give it to Madhuri and Sridevi, they could teach a thing or two about elegance to our thespian and page-3 ladies. Realising that the Indian female body, especially after a certain age, is not meant to be squeezed into mini-dresses, unless you want to look like a tranny, the ladies were togged out in sarees with blouses which looked like blouses and not bras. And simply put, they looked stunning. There were no unseemly pendulous breasts on display, and neither of the women looked 25 neck-down and 70-plus neck-up. Although I have to admit that this is more a lesson for our geriatric industrialist wives who seem to be picking out dresses from their granddaughter's cupboards.

2. Be a clever nip/tucker. Michael Jackson noses, foreheads you can bounce pebbles off, and waistlines which would put a 16-year old to shame seem to be par for the course if you're making a comeback. Madhuri Dixit, commendably, seems to have embraced her love handles and crow's feet. And while she does look remarkably young, she also looks remarkably similar to what she looked like before she left to become a housewife and vacuuming expert on foreign shores. If she's had any little tweaks, as far I could tell on television, they've been done uber-carefully.

The same, sadly, cannot be said for Sridevi whose forehead did not crinkle and whose smile did not stretch beyond a centimeter on either side of her mouth. You felt the mirror and Sridevi might crack if she strained her lips beyond that centimeter. That she and Shilpa Shetty and Minissha Lamba and Koena Mitra share the same Jacko nose, proves that Michael Jackson is a little part of all of us. My advice would be to take a leaf out of Madhuri's book and tweak yourself, but discreetly. Because the nose knows what the nose knows.

3. Second time's a charm. This is a lesson best learnt from Sridevi. There's nothing wrong with dating a married man, that too someone filmy. Keep up the ice princess demeanour, and no journalist will have the temerity to write anything nasty about you. And when you get hitched, bow out gracefully, have children if you want, keep a low profile – and suddenly, like a miracle, return to centre-stage looking hotter than you ever were. Far classier than keeping on romancing star producers and pretending that you're not. Although I admit that almost all our actresses who managed to hook men on their second wind, from Raveena to Karisma to Shilpa, seem to have followed in Sridevi's footsteps with a practiced ease.

4. Leave, before you become a pumpkin. Our present lot of thespians seems to refuse to step out of the limelight. So if no one will make films with them, they'll make films starring themselves and looking more wax-worklike than even David Gest. And they'll agree to act opposite any hero who needs a ticket to Bollywood. Or agree to act in horror films where the length of their clothes is directly proportionate to the size of the film's budget. Our actresses seem to believe that if Khans Can Act (till he's 60), So Can They. But Bollywood and the fickle audience does not make for a world of equals.

Madhuri and Sridevi were smart. Once they realised that their moment in the sun was becoming shorter and shorter, they simply stopped acting. No vile dances with strange actors, or self-produced films which are destined for failure because you can't distinguish the hero from the extras. They didn't put themselves or the audience through the misery. So go forth and prosper. Find yourself a rich, successful man, preferably living abroad, so that you can age normally without waiting to exhale. Then come back to Indian shores when the time is right, looking new as the day you were launched.

5. Make a clever comeback. If there's one thing that Sridevi and Madhuri have proven, it's that they know their limitations. So while Madhuri did have the small hiccup we know as Aaja Nach Le, she still played the role of a woman in her 30s in the film. Not that of a 20-something dancing diva in France or of a nubile 20-year-old looking to get married or of a woman reborn multiple times, that too in 3-D. Just to treble the audience's trauma. Even S & M realised that there's only so much suspension of disbelief that you can will your audience into. So Madhuri came back, husband and kids in tow, to play celebrity host and brand ambassador. And Sridevi has chosen a role which seems to make the most of her comic talent and show her playing her age. So while we all know she can dance like a dream, we don't have to see her try and do a Sheila ka Jawaani.

Every cloud has a silver lining and every show has a little learning. Sadly for Jhalak, the learning wasn't in the dancing. But it has provided a yeowoman service for our evergreen actresses. And 10/10 for that.