Adi was in deep slumber when I woke up in the middle of the night. The living room was dark, but the light from outside illuminated the room enough to get a glimpse of him; I was literally laying on him, keeping my head on his chest, hugging his torso. His grip was tight but not too tight to feel suffocated, instead, I felt secure. His strong arms tethered me to his body like a second skin. Maybe it was the aftershocks of the previous day, I did not pull away immediately like last time, I laid there watching his sleep. Nothing felt awkward around him anymore. I know we have a lot more to walk to reach where we can live happily or to have our own happily ever after but do they even exist. If they do then I want mine to be with his.
As I lay there, I revisited every tiny bit of memory we created and surprisingly enough when I thought about us, I saw us holding hands, hugging each other and having light moments not the old awkward uncomfortable moments I cherished despite being the wrong ones. Suddenly it started to feel right. Every erroneous moment we had eventually improved.
When I said that I love him, I was not lying. I did love him and I did forgive him but love has a companion, without each other, they two are pointless, trust. If there was love, there should be trust and if there was trust, there should be love. Nevertheless, I loved Adi, I believed Adi but I did not trust him, I thought he would have to make more efforts to get my trust back. It would not be easy like last time. I did not trust my heart with him; I did not have the trust to give it to him, without having a control over my emotions.
A cat who is scared of hot water will be scared of the cold water too. He cannot decide what is dangerous and what is not.
My reveries broke when the man under me stirred in his sleep. "Zoya," He called out in his sleepy voice, too huskier to avoid.
"Hmm," I placed my head back on his chest. My fingers went to his shirt buttons with their own consent. Having him so close and having a control over him was giving me a feeling of strength.
His fingers ran through my hair, massaging my scalp. "Why are you awake?"
I did not think to make any sound when he applied pressure on my scalp, but I moaned slightly, feeling them there and it provoked Adi, making him shift and with a single movement, I was under him and he hovered over me, keeping me hostage.
Those brown orbs, I fell in love with stared down, with love shining in them. I liked this side of him, the expressive side. He raised his eyebrows at me, seeking a reply when I went to his magic land.
"Just woke up."
"Hmm, are you uncomfortable?" He asked after a few seconds and smirked evilly, "Even if you are, do not expect a change of position."
I watched how his sleepy eyes become energetic as time passed by. We were exhausted a few hours ago and we did not get enough sleep. Nothing could prove otherwise that we looked sleep deprived but the moment, the love and the connection I felt being there was euphoric to break. I shook my head; I do not want to move from where I was.
"I love this," He continued, bringing me back from my thoughts. "Feeling you close makes sure that I am making the right efforts." His hands subtly moved over my chest to my neck, in an oily motion. If you ask whether he touched me then he did, but it was too innocent to call it sexual. However, I shuttered, gasping for air. He moved his fingers through the contour of my neck, to my collarbone, to my jaw, and then to my chin, stopping just below my lips. Subconsciously I licked my lips, to moisturize it but that was a wrong movement, right? I openly ogled the way his eyes darkened; they never left my lips.
"Adi," His name felt unfamiliar on my lips. The way his eyes moved along the way my lips moved when I uttered his name, stuffed a yearning inside me. I wanted to feel his lips on mine.
"For my sake, don't say anything." Chuckling at my flushed state he added, and I discovered a pain there in his next words. "I am treading on a thin self-control."
Something snapped inside me and I hooked my hands around his neck, pulling him to me. When we were inches apart, a small movement would be enough for us to clash; he shifted his head, leaning towards my right year. He pressed his lips there, nibbling my earlobes lightly before leaving a chaste kiss just behind my ear. I do not have any experience to compare what he evoked inside me with his action but I could swear nothing in the world can replace the feeling. The feeling of loved. I would give up anything for him because nothing could make me feel alive like him. Just a platonic kiss was enough for the butterflies inside my tummy to fly.
He stayed there. "Adi," He did not reply. I slightly shook him," Adi" He did not wake up.
Keeping my hands around him, I fell asleep in the arms of my love, for another time.
***
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