What is wrong with gauri's POV? - Page 14

Originally posted by: Manasi_16

Phew! Just finished reading all the posts!!!

I am also of the opinion that Gauri is not wrong in what she is thinking, but the way she is saying it needs to change. Its not always about who is right or wrong...its about what is right for the relationship. Jagya is going thru a bad phase in bhis life, personally & professionally...and he needs Gauri to understand him, empathize with him, motivate him...not just give sermons & lectures. I think both the posts Anthara has made are just perfect...I don't have anything more to add.

But i'd like to give my own example here. I have never been a very good student...I have above average intelligence, but basically I am not an acads person...I lost out on my chosen line of specialization in Post grad since I had not scored well enough in my graduation. I finished my Post grad in mid 2009, at a time when India & the world was still reeling under the sub-prime crisis. There had not been a single campus placement and general situation in job market was down. To add to it, my academic performance was bad, so it was that much more difficult for me to get a job. All my friends got a job in a month or two post the results, but I was unemployed for 7 months.

These 7 months I will never forget in my life...they were sooo bad & frustrating. And I was complete jerk all thru. My mom is also from the same profession as I am & was asking that i should join her for the time being...but I never took it seriously. I used to spend the whole day spread out on the sofa watching CID & munching junk food!!!! Whenever my brother used to shout at me for not trying hard enough, I used to immediately go into the victim mode, blaming him for being purposely condescending to me since I was not earning! I knew it was majorly my own fault that I was landed in this mess, but i still found reasons to blame the whole world for my situation. I rejected many jobs on the grounds that they were beneath my dignity. I was in almost sub clinical depression...I had stopped meeting friends & relatives also. I was an absolute & complete insensitive jerk back then.

But my mother never showed the increasing frustration that I was giving her. She always used talk very calmly, trying to instill sense into me. Her tone was encouraging & motivating...never even once was she reproachful. And she slowly got me out of the depression...now I am very happily settled in my job for the past 2.5 years.

This is the point I want to make. More than right or wrong, you have to think about the person in front of you. Someone was asking why should Gauri be so overly sensitive to Jagya's state of mind at a time when she herself is in euphoric state with her professional success. the answer to that is because they are husband - wife! Their joys & sorrows are shared...when one of them is in such depression, how can the other one go & shop for bright colourful clothes???? To give Jagya his due credit, he is a lot better behaved with Gauri than he ever was with Anandi...he used to help her in the household chores, used to even cook for her. And that coming from a guy who had never stepped into the kitchen even for a glass of water, is really commendable! After her miscarriage, he had taken full care of her very lovingly, and also willingly. Never once had he cribbed about having to do all the work himself...he gave her time to get over her sorrow, and silently supported her in the intervening phase. That is how partners should be!

Now this is Jagya's worst phase in life & instead of taking care of him, Gauri is happily enjoying her found success. I am not saying she needs to sit besides him all day & let him cry on her shoulder...NO...but she needs to treat him with sensitivity & maturity. Her in-the-face bluntness is going to be the downfall of their relationship in the current situation.

Originally posted by: ankit111

Gouri is being justified only on the basis of tht Jogia is responsible for his state himself and thyself true. But the same logic sd be applied with Gouri too. She is also responsible for her own insecurity, her own condition in personal life. Thn why she sd deserve sympathy. Why tht time Jogia was criticized whn he was shouting at Gouri for her insecurity. Why he was expected to understand her. As I always say these both r insensitive to each other, so criticizing and justifying other is just useless. In marriage life is not court, where u hv to say rit to rit and wrong to wrong. Sometime u hv to deal things above being rit and wrong. Sometime u hv to sacrifice ur own interest and hv to do compromises. Ofcourse if u want to live peacefully together, otherwise law and even society hs given u option to be seperated. Whn u know tht ur partner don't like whn his ego is hurt, u sd do the things in otherway so tht I wd come out from the situation and his ego wd be also sahi salamat. After all ur partner is ur own choice and not forced one. In JAGO case its not anymore arrange marriage or bv where u were forced to live together due to family pressure, neither this is still a legal bonding where separation hs any complexity. Thn why jhelofying each other and making ur own life hell. Either find the way to live peacefully together or just be separated. But living together, doing kich kich everyday for everything, blaming each other is not a solution. I strongly believe both r equally responsible for this state. U can't blame only one.

Originally posted by: tanvismile

nice gyan but it only gyan ,otherwise till today not even one husband wife would ever fight?

Originally posted by: tanvismile

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nice gyan but it only gyan ,otherwise till today not even one husband wife would ever fight?

Originally posted by: ankit111

Gouri is being justified only on the basis of tht Jogia is responsible for his state himself and thyself true. But the same logic sd be applied with Gouri too. She is also responsible for her own insecurity, her own condition in personal life. Thn why she sd deserve sympathy. Why tht time Jogia was criticized whn he was shouting at Gouri for her insecurity. Why he was expected to understand her. As I always say these both r insensitive to each other, so criticizing and justifying other is just useless. In marriage life is not court, where u hv to say rit to rit and wrong to wrong. Sometime u hv to deal things above being rit and wrong. Sometime u hv to sacrifice ur own interest and hv to do compromises. Ofcourse if u want to live peacefully together, otherwise law and even society hs given u option to be seperated. Whn u know tht ur partner don't like whn his ego is hurt, u sd do the things in otherway so tht I wd come out from the situation and his ego wd be also sahi salamat. After all ur partner is ur own choice and not forced one. In JAGO case its not anymore arrange marriage or bv where u were forced to live together due to family pressure, neither this is still a legal bonding where separation hs any complexity. Thn why jhelofying each other and making ur own life hell. Either find the way to live peacefully together or just be separated. But living together, doing kich kich everyday for everything, blaming each other is not a solution. I strongly believe both r equally responsible for this state. U can't blame only one.

Originally posted by: tinoo

I have gone through all the posts on this thread.

I always have an open mind to other perspectives or frameworks which allow me to understand other ways of thinking/doing and consequently facets of human nature. While I am very appreciative of the concept of nurturing someone who's going through a rough patch and helping someone with low self esteem climb out of a pit

I still come to the conclusion that in gauri's place I might not have handled Jagya with care for the simple reason that the pit he is in is of his own digging. It will be a choice between standing by somebody and supporting them or creating difficulties for them. You can do it if you have emphathy,

patience, forgiveness and understanding. Just stand in other person's shoes, understand their viewpoint. Nobody does things purposely. We are not perfect and we may not always react perfectly, especially when we are going through a bad phase.

I feel that it was an extremely controllable circumstance vs. an uncontrollable circumstance.

I do not agree. Jagiya was hit by it unexpectedly. He never went to Jaitsar for holidays but to fulfil a wish of a dying family member. It was Gauri's instigation that led the dean to debar him from MS. Now he will have to wait at least for a year to complete it. Moreover since he has quarelled with the dean (yes, he got carried away with his hospital and dean's rudeness), he may have to do it again from some other college, extremely demoralizing. Imagine to study the same thing again.😭

1. Andv - you mentioned that you were at home without a job because of lack of a work permit. Here I do not have any fault with your desire to work or your ability to work, or your attitude more importantly... the fact that you dont get a work permit because of immigration constraints is uncontrollable. So I have empathy with you.

2. In my own original post (the first one), I said that if Jagya had been incapacitated due to an accident or a stroke or some other uncontrollable circumstance, then that too would have been okay.

Yet, he has dug his own hole, and that too is okay... but he is not working out of his own choice (a fully controllable circumstance)... and not studying for his MS ( a fully controllable circumstance).

He tried for jobs at least 3 times, so you cannot say he is not trying.

She has never said that it is okay with her for him to be a permanent house husband ... she is only giving him this comfort and space for him to complete his M.S. By neglecting the housework she is reducing him to one! Just see her neglect- no ration, no food, no cylinder. She is confirming his worst fears. 😆. If she wants help she can be communicative about it, but she will have to take care of the house, I can understand one neglect but her is going too far. How a woman doesn't know rations are getting over or there is no food!!!

So in such a situation, I feel that her treatment of Jagya is appropriate. No it is not. If she were to handle Jagya with kid gloves, the lazy idiot will feel that it is okay for him to stay like this permanently. He is trying and at this point is demoralized. How will you feel if you missed MS due to a very selfless reason, (and not due to any laziness or irresponsible behaviour). You have to wait at least for a year. All your friends are earning. You are getting jobs at very unsuitable places. Wouldn't it be nice if your life partner makes you see it as a phase. Tells you that you are not inferior. Be patient with you.

OR you will like him shouting at you! Asking you to grow up, The last thing one wants to listen when one is down is a lecture. A few kind words don't hurt anyone. But a lecture does😉.

Any observations on how to deal with people who sit at home owing to fully controllable circumstances?

Originally posted by: Suchi-Virmanian

Sonali, Wow you did go through a lot and I am glad that you have found your prince :) : )

That period must have really torn you apart but I am glad that you stood firmly by your principles and now reaping the results of your better judgement and strong will : )

👏

Originally posted by: tinoo

sonalidg: you have a flair for writing. I really think you should pen down your romance story with the ritualistic brahmin 🤣. I would most certainly buy it! even the one paragraph you wrote was highly entertaining. 🤣

That being said would it be possible for you to explain the cooking with wet clothes early in the morning ritual please? I have never heard of such a thing and also googled and did not find any info on this. It sounds positively ghastly😲🤣. A new twist to the existing practices of culinary arts.