Member of the Week - dreamzkp - Page 8

Originally posted by: innocentindian

yep! kiranmayi....it does make sense...a whole load of sense...but it does seem to me as if the tide is turning and the modern-day in-laws are slowly beginning to understand, and AWAKEN, to the fact that they have to do their bit....another thing tho', whilst we can talk about these things generically, it is all subjective and depends on each individual situation... Very true. Each individual can have a serial like Astitva of their own. Especially with a working DIL, they hardly have a choice. Most the MILs are also working now a days. Half of the problem of adjusting to in-laws life style is already resolved if the young couple is living far and vice versa. It's all a matter of 10 or 15 days in a year.

Just out of interest, can u tell us what it is that your MIL was boasting about? That is, was she boasting about her family meaning her husbands family? or was she boasting about her fathers family? 😉 Well, it's everything. Her cooking, her father's family, how rich they are, how much gold she has, her husband side..how well planned is her husband, how she brought her kids with how much disipline...what not, you name it, she starts. 😆 . All these things are information for the first time, good to hear for the second time, nice to remember for the third time....but what for the 4th, 5th, 6th......nth time?😒

Originally posted by: xyzzee

So nice to know about your view on your hubby and in-laws..I don't want to come across as a feminist, but I feel the same should extend to both husband and wife. Agree with you 100%

Now-a-days the joint family system is not so prevalent and I know many girls' parents come and stay with them too (Mine often come and stay with us and are very comfortable doing so, thanks to my hubby's support and willingness)..

Is your MIL open to you being free and close to your parents even now? Just curious as now-a-days most in-laws are quite broad minded in that respect (like Abhi's parents:-)). Good question. That's the only problem I have. They treat me as their daughter..no doubt about it. But there are many ego clashes with my father's family. A lot of ego clashes and misunderstandings. My husband and I try our levels best to keep both of them happy...but my MIL doesn't like to come a step down. She always says "I'm the boy's mother, I will be like this only". That upsets us. But that's life. You cannot have everything. 😕

You know what my MIL said when we were married - "I can never ever take your mother's place and I don't intend to as that would not be fair and a mom is always a mom, but please remember I am always there for you if you need me". That really touched me, believe me 😃 And even after my daughter was born, she used to come and stay with us but was always sensitive to the fact that my parents' presense was often more required for me then. 😊 So wondered what your experience has been when it came to matters with your parents though I know you don't have a kid as yet, 😉 That's so sweet of your MIL👏. My case is different. She says, "I'm like your mother. Now that you are married, you shouldn't discuss your family matters with your mother". I wish she realizes that she can never replace my mother as your MIL😳 did.

Originally posted by: Akshata

Hey guys

Sorry for butting in like this but this topic is too interesting to "not participate".

Rajni,I know the question was directed to Kiran,but I would like to say this.

This "highly possessive about sons" is many times a perception of the girl,the DIL I mean. The MIL is expected to take a complete back seat once the son is married.In the Indian culture The parents' involvement is so much in the child's upbringing right up to the time he gets a job and even married,the attachment is too much to just let go once he gets married.That it is only right to let go is an ideal situation,but it is very hard.This too comes in the "winning of heart" part.

Once the girl has won her MIL's confidence,and made her secure that he will always be her son first ,and her(MIL's) place in THEIR lives is important(This has to be done by the son as well without slighting the new bride),it can be a wonderful relationship.

I am not writing this from some book,I speak from first hand experience.

I absolutely agree with Kiran that one needs the husband's support and mainly understanding.Also the girl has to take the major initiative because she is younger and the inlaws are definitely more set in their way of thinking.

Most girls who share a good relationship with their MIL will agree with me that it may not have been very smooth in the beginning but it's worth the patience and "sacrifice".

Yeah Kiran,II has asked a good question.Who did your MIL boast about,your husband's family or her fathers? Hope you don't mind answering that one.

Cheers

Agree with you, Akshata. I couldn't have put it in a better way 👏. Just to add my 2 cents...I wouldn't call it possessiveness, I feel it's insecurity. It happens in every relationship. Haven't you heard of first child being insecure with his/her kid brother/sister? I was like that when my brother was born. I used to feel that my parents loved my brother more as they "HAD" to dedicate some extra time for him. A MIL-DIL relaionship is also something like that. She is the queen of the house until son gets married. Obviously her son will be spending most of his time with his bride. That would cause some insecure feeling to the MIL. It might be different for different people. Some people gracefully accept the situation as it is..some cannot digest the fact that there is some one in her ladla's life who is equally important as her. That's how they tend to boss around and try to dominate. If the DIL realizes this and try to make friends with her MIL, they live happily ever after. Otherwise; if the DIL also tries to prove her stands then and there, it will be one more saas-bahu serial. Both of them needs to adjust initially.

Originally posted by: Akshata

Hey guys

Sorry for butting in like this but this topic is too interesting to "not participate".

Rajni,I know the question was directed to Kiran,but I would like to say this.

This "highly possessive about sons" is many times a perception of the girl,the DIL I mean. The MIL is expected to take a complete back seat once the son is married.In the Indian culture The parents' involvement is so much in the child's upbringing right up to the time he gets a job and even married,the attachment is too much to just let go once he gets married.That it is only right to let go is an ideal situation,but it is very hard.This too comes in the "winning of heart" part.

Once the girl has won her MIL's confidence,and made her secure that he will always be her son first ,and her(MIL's) place in THEIR lives is important(This has to be done by the son as well without slighting the new bride),it can be a wonderful relationship.

I am not writing this from some book,I speak from first hand experience.

I absolutely agree with Kiran that one needs the husband's support and mainly understanding.Also the girl has to take the major initiative because she is younger and the inlaws are definitely more set in their way of thinking.

Most girls who share a good relationship with their MIL will agree with me that it may not have been very smooth in the beginning but it's worth the patience and "sacrifice". It is..

Yeah Kiran,II has asked a good question.Who did your MIL boast about,your husband's family or her fathers? Hope you don't mind answering that one.

I answered it to II. 😊

Cheers

Originally posted by: dreamzkp

That's so sweet of your MIL👏. My case is different. She says, "I'm like your mother. Now that you are married, you shouldn't discuss your family matters with your mother". I wish she realizes that she can never replace my mother as your MIL😳 did.

I see why you must have been irked when your MIL says you should not discuss your problems with your mom. I would have been irked too but you know the difference - you probably reacted much more patiently than I would have done.😉 I don't have a wealth of patience to begin with as I have said many times before. Or may not, maybe I would have listened quietly to what she said and then discussed this with my hubby so he understands the situation as well. I have always believed that a mom's relationship with daughter does not change after marriage. If anything, my mom and I are even closer now and I still turn to her for advice and my MIL approves heartily. But I am glad things are working fine for you. Your husband does not object to your being close to your mom, does he?? If not, nothing to worry, his support is most necessary and that counts!! Good luck.

It may sound surprising to many but since my parents have stayed with us at our place for a longer period of time than my in-laws (especially after my daughter was born) my husband refers to her more as mom than MIL. I don't mean calling her mom directly but when he talks to others on the phone he says "My mom is at home, etc.." Even I used to get puzzled then I realized, he was talking of MY mom! That really used to touch me again.😃 I have no problem saying that about his mom as well and since she won my heart right from day one more so because of that one simple statement of hers (I can only hope I have won hers as well, I think I have), it is easier for me to say that with utmost sincerity.

As an aside and don't mean to go off topic, that was one of the reasons I liked Astitva (pre-leap, let me add that hastily). One of the few serials on Zee where they have shown that there is nothing wrong if parents share a close relationship with girls after marriage and nothing wrong if they stay with either sons or daughters:-) In that way Abhi's parents were the embodiment of the sweetest of sweet in-laws (again I add hastily, only since Neha came into the pic and then when Simran became their DIL again)

Originally posted by: Akshata

How wonderful Pallavi! Sounds so much like my Mummy(MIL).In not so many words this has always been her attitude.She's always been there for me.I am very close to my mother as well. I am very lucky that they are like friends.They have a good time even in my absence.😎

Really they are so cool...I hope I can be like that.

Oh, that's so nice to know😃. Really makes life so easy if the sambandhis can be friends and respectful of each other.

Originally posted by: RikNik

Hi guys,
I have currently been under extreme pressure on the work and home front and have not been able to participate.
We seem to have stepped upon some real-life issues in this thread - adjusting to in-laws, initial sacrifices made by daughters-in-law when they marry esp. vis-a-vis their respective mothers-in-law, mother's possessiveness of their sons, etc. etc. All very potent topics!
of course we did go-off on a nostalgic tour of down south and music too!
Most of you have come forth with your experiences in life and how each of you have managed to hold the fort and strike a working balance with your in-laws and reach a stage of complete acceptance and happiness.
This section has also brought out the poetic side of many of the members.
It has been wonderful to read each of your posts and your insights to everyday issues esp. in marriages.
I say we keep this section alive to exchange views and keep the discussions going. What say guys.
All the best.
Cheers

Wow..RikNik, that was a quick recap of this thread. 👏. I'm not sure for how long this will be active. I too want Astitva section to be active. I would like to thank each one of you for being so active and participating though serial is off air. We can always keep in touch through PMs.😳