Part 1
Sakshi,
I don't know how to begin. I know I am not the kind of person who writes letters. And yet, here I am sitting at my desk staring at a blank piece of paper, playing with the familiar black pen that you once gifted to me. I am writing a letter to you in this era of technology. Just because you once told me that handwritten letters have a sort of magic which a typed email doesn't.
The lamp on my side glows eerily in the darkness of the room. Perhaps, that doesn't strike you as odd. Me, sitting here alone, with darkness all around me. Just accompanied by the faint amber glow of the desk lamp. And a blank piece of paper that is slowly filling up with words.
After all, I have been choosing loneliness over everything else so far.
Seclusion.
Isolation.
But perhaps, I never was alone. That's because you never let me. And I was too arrogant, too blind to admit it. I never once thought that I would miss you. Then why is it that every time I see a girl with long dark hair and twinkling eyes, I am reminded of you? Why is it that I search for your laughter within the walls of my office? Why is it that my heart yearns to hear the familiar jingle of your bangles that I use to hear every time you were around me? Why is it that every time my door opens, I hope to see your smiling face?
Yes, I crave for your company. I miss your stupid jokes that once annoyed me. I miss your carefree laugh, your untimely entries into my office and your non-stop chatter. I miss having someone who trusted me, understood me, more than I did myself. And that made me run away from you.
Or maybe, I was just running away from myself. My feelings. I was running away from the one feeling that had every power to break me into little pieces whenever it wanted to. Love. The feeling that made me more vulnerable and fragile. And I hated that.
For I never wanted to be weak.
And yet, your absence has made me weak. I am not myself anymore. I feel as if you took away a part of me when you left. The living part. The one that used to smile, ever so faintly, when your one of your several futile attempts to make me laugh was successful.
I admit it now. You made me smile. You took away my fears, my worries, my pain as if they never existed.
Yes. I forgot everything when you were around. I forgot who I was.
You made me believe in everything.
You led me into this world where everything seemed possible. And I followed you in, unhesitatingly. Just because you were there. Your smile, your belief in me, your faith in me deemed it possible. You held my hand when I needed someone. No matter how much I shrugged it away, you never let go. Your gentle touch on my shoulder reassured me when I needed it. Because you knew, how much I needed it. The togetherness.
To me, you were the girl who lived on dreams. And the girl who made me dream.
And yet, I shattered the dream. I distanced myself from you. I was running away. I ran too fast, I know now.
Now you are so far that it is hard to believe if you were indeed real.
But yet, I have your name and address written in blue pen on the letter that lies on the desk. The blue ink stands out on the stark white paper, as if beating, like the heart. Living, breathing piece of paper. With your name written on it. That makes it seem more real.
Is it too late to be sending this blank piece of paper that is now etched with words? Is it too late to admit that I love you?
Yes. I am in love with you.
I wish I could go back to the day you bid me goodbye. Your smile was bleak, colourless. It failed to hide the pain you felt as you shook my hand one last time. I didn't want to let go then. But I was too proud.
I wish I could have stopped you.
I wish you would come back to me again. I wish you would make me feel whole again. I wish you would return that part of me that you took away with you.
I wish I could just be with you.
Someday.
I don't know if the wish will come true.
But, I do know that I will be waiting. Waiting for the day when you will burst into my office once more, that beautiful smile on your face, the colourful bangles jingling on your arms. And you will say that you are back into my life. That you are back for good.
Until then, I shall wait. I shall wait for that knock on my door.
And then, I will live again. I will live for you, with you. For without you, I am just a blank piece of paper.
Arjun
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