Amore Nihil Mollius, Nihil Violentius
(Nothing is more tender, nothing is more violent than love.)
"Man can never know the loneliness a woman knows. Man lies in the woman's womb only to gather strength, he nourishes himself from this fusion, and then he rises and goes into the world, into his work, into battle, into art. He is not lonely. He is busy. The memory of the swim in amniotic fluid gives him energy, completion. Woman may be busy too, but she feels empty. Sensuality for her is not only a wave of pleasure in which she is bathed, and a charge of electric joy at contact with another. When man lies in her womb, she is fulfilled, each act of love a taking of man within her, an act of birth and rebirth, of child rearing and man bearing. Man lies in her womb and is reborn each time anew with a desire to act, to be. But for woman, the climax is not in the birth, but in the moment man rests inside of her."
Anas Nin, The Diary of Anas Nin, Vol. 1: 1931-1934
"Passion gives me moments of wholeness"
Anas Nin
She cannot take it anymore; it is too much, so very much for her.
She wishes he would shut up; yet she wants to hear him keep talking.
She wants him to know, yet she is afraid of the moment he would find out.
She wants him to stop wishing for things, yet she hopes they have the miracle he is dreaming about.
She wants to give him his heart' desire, yet she wants him to stop asking it from her.
It is too much and yet not enough all at the same time; to hear him say things that make her wish and dream for things she could never have. She wants to see him happy, she wants to make him happy; but she does not know how to turn the joy that he has barely tasted to ashes in his mouth.
She wants to cry holding onto him for all their days to come, she does not know quite how to break the news to him yet.
The more he talks the more her heart weeps, for things he dreams and wishes about, for things that she would never be able to give him.
She has lived with this pain for what seems like forever, yet now that she found his love, him, she is experiencing this heartbreak all over again and it is more painful, worse than it was before. Earlier when this happened to her, when she learned she would never be able to conceive and have a child of her own, a man she loved left her; now she knows it will not be the same. The man she is in love with this time around won't quit on her and give up on them and it kills her all the same.
Her inability would be his agony. Her hell, now his to share as well and she cannot even bear the thought of that.
She thought she knew heartbreak before, but this is more than that, so much more. She feels wretched to the bottom of her soul and it's all because she knows the man she is in love with would always be by her side and she is unable to give him the one joy, the one happiness, the mere thought of which lights up his face so.
She imagines a baby - theirs; as he talks about it, still high from Dr. Paul' words to them when he met the man. He goes on about how now since all the festivities and marriage ceremonies in their families done with they can concentrate on their lives at last in peace. He says how he cant wait to hold their little girl in his arms and hug and kiss her, as she too imagines a scenario in her head. Only in her fantasy it isn't the girl he is describing with her eyes and hair, that has his wit and intellect that appears as he goes on but a little boy with his dimples and smile, with her pert little nose and cheeks along with his father' unruly hair and her eyes well up with the fantasy. She can see their little one running around all over the place fawned over by their families, spoiled silly by his older siblings, adored by his father and disciplined by her. She imagines Raman holding their son, cradling him as tenderly in his arms, as he does with Rohit and Kshitija.
She never speaks about it, never mentions it to him but every time she sees him hold one of their nieces be it Ananya or Kshitija, their nephew Rohit she can't help but want their child in his arms, watch him as he coos over their baby and plays the doting father that he is.
Watching him with Ruhi and Adi always warms up her heart. She sees her husband, the man she loves be such a wonderful father to their children makes her think she has it all, it was not until she saw him with Rohit and Kshitija though, that she started to crave for more, crave for all that she missed with Adi and Ruhi. She started wishing for the firsts that they could have together, that they missed out on their older children together - those sleepless nights to that first step, the first teething of their baby to his first word, she wants to share it all with him, she wants it so very much. She dreamt of it all but cautiously, hesitantly knowing it very well in a corner of her heart that it could all remain just that - a dream - and yet today when she faces the truth she knew all along somewhere in her heart it kills her just the same.
She thought she knew how to handle this pain, she is learning that it is not the same anymore.
When she married him she thought her limitations would be her cross to bear for this life, today when she sees them not remaining such anymore it hurts her more than she thought possible.
She has learned to live with this heartache; she does not know how she would be able to survive his heartbreak, when it happens.
She wants to rush in his arms and tell it all, she wants to stop time and not watch that smile wiped off his face.
She wants to stop him from uttering another word; she does not know how to handle the silence that would ensue between them once she lets it all out.
She assumed she had learned to make peace with her destiny, she doesn't quite know how to unleash the fate of her misery onto him as of yet.
"Ishita, are you even listening to what I am saying here?"
She turns around to watch her husband stand in front of the vanity placed in their room as she places his watch on it, having already discarded the turban he sported for the wedding.
As she walks towards him, she watches him unbutton his kurta, his attention quite not on her as she speaks up.
"I was asking you madam, if it's not too much of an inconvenience for you we should go on that long impending honeymoon of ours. I can make the arrangements when I book Romi and Sarika' tomorrow as our wedding gift to them, but let me tell you in advance, don't even dare ask me to make this a joint trip of the four of us. As it is we are too far behind on this thing and now that we are finally on track I really don't want any tagalongs with the two of us. Before it wasn't exactly gonna be worth it for us, had we went on this trip but things have changed now and I intend to make the most of our honeymoon trip, do you get it?"
She nods silently but doesn't speak up which piques his curiosity as he steps closer to her and puts his arms around her shoulders, drawing her closer to him.
"Cat got your tongue there Madrasan? You usually have a list of dos and don'ts for everything, all I need to get you to start is to breathe a word and today you are so quiet. Is everything alright?"
Smiling faintly at him, as she steps closer to him and burrows herself in his arms, resting her head on his shoulder she quietly says,
"Why won't it be? Everything is fine."
"Really is that so? Why don't I believe you then?"
"There' nothing wrong Raman."
She replies to him with a firmer voice this time around, trying to sound as convincing as she can even when she cannot meet his eyes as she does so.
"If that were really the case, then you would have started about how can we go on a trip Raman? What about Ruhi and Adi, can we go during their Diwali vacation and take them along too, you would have thought how Sarika could leave behind Rohit at all, since she needs to feed him and not say everything is fine Raman. You would have insisted for this to be some sort of a family trip."
She hits him on the chest, making him let out a small grunt as well as making him capture the offending limb in question before it repeats its action as he throws it around his waist and engulfs his wife in his arms in the firmest grip possible, making it difficult for her to even move. When he thought she would struggle and try to break free, she instead relaxes in his hold and questions him.
"Are you making fun of me here?"
"No, not at all, just saying I know you better than that, so come on; out with it what's on your mind?"
"Nothing's on my mind Raman, I...I am just a little tired from all the work and running around for the marriage preparations and also I know better than to ask that our kids accompany us on our honeymoon, it might be my first and only but I know how it works."
He leans back a little trying to look in her eyes but sees she has them closed and so asks her abashedly.
"Are you making fun of me now, by mocking me? Saying this will be your first and only since it's my second and hopefully last?"
That gets her attention as she lifts her head from his shoulder and looks at him squarely in the eye,
"Did you just say, hopefully your last? What is that even supposed to mean? If you think Raman Kumar Bhalla you have any more honeymoon trips in your future apart from the one you are about to go on with me, I suggest you tread very carefully, because those might be just the very last words you ever say."
"Are you threatening me here, that you will kill me?"
"No, I am just warning you about the hazards of provoking a very exhausted wife by putting your foot in your mouth and informing you that you would have only one honeymoon trip in your future, the one with me and it will be my first and the last for both of us, clear?"
"Crystal and am I glad that for once, we are on the same page."
"So am I."
"I was referring to you knowing we don't take children along on honeymoon trip rule."
"Ha, ha that was funny. "
"I know right, I am a riot."
When she makes a gesture for a reply, affronted, he asks her.
"Did you just roll your eyes at me woman?"
"I sure did, for some things you really can't have a better response."
"That is just so...so...so..."
"That is so what?"
"Give me a minute, I am trying to think of the word here; all I can come up with right now is that no husband wants to see his wife roll her eyes at him, especially about something that he is quite accomplished at and even proud of."
She cannot help the little peel of laughter that escapes her mouth on hearing him,
"And now you are even laughing at me? I am so hurt, so very hurt and in pain here."
"Oh yeah, then cry me a river."
"If you keep this up I just might."
That has her in splits and though he pretends taking offence at her laughing at him, in his heart he wishes for nothing more, than to see her happy and laughing like this, in his arms for the rest of their days to come. However, not wanting to say what he really feels now, he instead chooses to keep up the charade and goes on.
"Woman you love to rattle me up and shake up my confidence, do you know what that does to a man?"
"Are you talking about the rating again?"
"Yes of course, how could you not have known I was asking you to rate my skills and not that sambhar of yours, on our first morning?"
Giggling at him, she shakes her head.
"I am not hearing the end of this am I, I thought we cleared it up, on our second night itself, the night after our first at my Amma Appa' place I didn't give you a two on ten."
"But do you know how nervous I was that night? How tensed to even make that move? I was so frightened you would rebuff me. I had all these thoughts that I have a lifetime of chastity ahead of me, after almost seven years of...let's say thirsting. I finally found an oasis in the desert and I was about to be left high and dry again, can you imagine what that did to me, how you wrecked havoc on my mind that day?"
She cannot help the laughter that breaks out of her then as she burrows herself deeper in his arms, her whole body shaking with mirth as she laughs at the ridiculousness of her husband and doesn't know whether to find him an idiot or plain adorable.
"See you are laughing at me even now, what kind of a wife have I landed? And then she wonders how I could doubt myself?"
Composing herself somehow, she manages to reply to him.
"You absurd man, how was I supposed to know what were you referring to and how could you even think that I would rate you so, like I have said this earlier like a million times to you. Were you not paying attention to me on our first night? Did I look like I was bored out of my mind there, that I thought I would rather be anyplace else than with you?"
"I was paying attention believe me, but I needed validation you see."
With a roll of her eyes, she lets out a breath and asks him quietly.
"What exactly do you want to hear Raman?"
His eyes twinkle as he pulls her closer, caressing her almost bare back with one of his hands as he does so even as the other cups her derriere whispering huskily to his wife.
"Tell me that I am the best. You love having my hands all over you."
"Raman."
She breathes out his name a little shy, a little taken aback at his declaration as her cheeks turn a shade of crimson that has him nuzzling her face.
"Say it Ishita."
She tries to break free of his grip but he only tightens it as he pulls her even closer, something she didn't even think was possible as it appears to her there' not an inch of space between the two of them.
"Raman."
She manages to gasp out his name but he refuses to budge.
"Say it Ishita, I won't free you otherwise."
Looking into his eyes she sees the mischievous twinkle in her husband' eyes as well as how serious he is about this despite his demeanor.
"Raman..."
"Say it."
He whispers again to her against her lips.
"Raman..." His name is a whisper against his lips that escapes her mouth.
"Say it Ishita."
Cupping his face in her hands, she leans in close to him as she places her lips against his ear. Her hot breath and soft lips mingling together wreck havoc on his senses as he closes his eyes drowning in the onslaught of his desires and their love when she whispers to him.
"Raman, you are the best...and I would rate you a eight on ten any day."
His eyes open wide as he gapes at his wife, looking at her with his jaw hanging wide open for a second.
"Eight on ten, just an eight on ten really, after so much, you have got to be kidding me here?
Flicking the tip of his nose with her finger, she replies to her husband mischievously, a smile lighting up her face.
"I believe you shouldn't flatter someone excessively, it doesn't allow to leave room for improvement."
"Oh I will show you improvement all right."
With the words he surprises her as he lifts her in his arms and in two long strides gets to their bed dropping her callously on it and before she even has a chance to recover from the shock of the sudden move, cover the length of her body with his as he hovers above her.
"That's it. I know exactly what I will do, you will see. I shall have the last laugh here."
She laughs a little as she asks him putting her hands around his neck.
"And pray may I know what revenge is being plotted against me in that devious, diabolical mind here?"
"Seeing that you are laughing at me, something that is sure to give me a sleepless night here since I would be tossing and turning, I will make sure you have nights like these too, nights where you can't catch a wink of sleep even when you are exhausted."
"If you plan to watch reruns of your stupid cricket matches in our bedroom at late nights I swear I will kick you out of this room Raman."
"This is so out of line now, has your amma taught you to be abusive towards your husband always? I need to have a talk with her and your appa, such a violent daughter they have tied me down with."
"Then you better talk to your mother, because it was mummyji who taught me this."
"My mother would never teach you to abuse her own son."
"No, she just said Ishita make sure your husband always knows who's the boss and that he better not forget it, how you do that is up to you, I won't interfere between husband and wife."
"Betrayed by my own mother, how heartbreaking this is for me!"
She manages to wrangle a hand of hers free, even when he holds her tightly close to his chest as she pulls his cheek cooing at him,
"Aww, you poor little baby, this is so sad indeed."
"Baby is the keyword here madam. You see, I will make sure, while we don't go with our kids on this trip when we return you are carrying one. Once that kid arrives, you shall see how I make sure that our kid loves me more than she loves you and while Ruhi and Adi can be mamma' little girl and boy, our daughter will be daddy' little girl. I will spoil her silly and my dear wife, she will be the one to make you realize what a lucky woman you are to have a husband like me and that will be my perfect revenge, to have our baby make you eat your words."
Her eyes get misty as he mentions their baby and how he plans to be the father that she loves best in this world, so much that, she would fight with her for him and it rips her apart.
What she would not give, to make this dream of his, come true, to have this wish of his turn into reality.
If only she could, if only...
"You will see Ishita our baby will..."
He never gets a chance to complete his sentence as his wife takes him by surprise, doing something he had been wishing and hoping for, ever since their first night weeks ago as she captures his lips with hers, pouring her heart out into the kiss.
She has been always so responsive, so active since their first night weeks ago whenever they have made love but too shy to take the lead despite all his prodding and cajoling her, so tonight when she kisses him on her own, momentarily he doesn't know how to respond to her. However, it does not take him more than a few seconds to get over the initial shock and kiss his wife back, his very eager wife.
She kisses him like never before, there' an edge tonight to her, something that he cannot quite put a finger on. He tries to break their kiss, utter her name but cannot even manage to catch a breath as she captures his bottom lip between hers and bites him, making him hiss into the kiss that has her soothing him with her tongue instantly. There is a kind of ferocity in her kiss, which he has never experienced before as her lips ravage his and her nails dig into his nape. They get breathless soon enough and have to part and he notices the play of emotions on his wife' face by the moonlight as she clings to him, looking at him in a way she has never seen him before and doesn't quite know what to make of it.
"Wow! Not that I am complaining, but what was that all about?"
"Do I need to have a reason to kiss you?"
"No, you can grab me for a kiss whenever you want."
He replies immediately, making her have a huge smile on her face in response, as she delightedly places a butterfly kiss on his lips again.
"Seeing that we have to make that baby, I hope it happens quite frequently too."
The smile on her face wipes off in a moment as she hears him but before he can question her, she takes him by surprise yet again as she reaches out to kiss him, throwing him off balance in the process as she does so. He smiles into the kiss, enjoying the way his wife is surprising him tonight repeatedly as his eyes grow wide when she not only makes herself comfortable on top of him, but also straddles his hips.
"What has gotten into you tonight huh? You are being quite the tigress here, it's supposed to be the wedding night of my brother and his wife here but I am the one getting lucky really."
"Are you complaining?"
She mutters quietly between the kisses she keeps dropping. To evade looking at him and not let him be suspicious she kisses his jaw line, his ear and the little spot beneath it that she discovered a few nights ago that always makes him moan.
"No, not at all just wondering that's all... And feel free to paint away, I am your canvas, do whatever you like wife, I will have no complaints whatsoever except if you stop."
"Raman..."
"Hmmm..."
"I was..."
"Yeah, go on."
"I ... I just ..."
She almost tells him what she learned today with that phone call but he cups her jaw so tenderly, as his thumb runs softly along her cheeks, the happiness that reflects on his face, stops her. She doesn't have the heart to take it away from him, not tonight at least. She cannot muster the courage to tell her husband the truth that has her seeking him out and hiding from him all at the same time, so instead she says the first thing that comes to her mind.
"We wasted our wedding night didn't we?"
"We wasted a lot of nights even after that."
His quiet, solemn reply just reaffirms that she cannot share this news with him right now, not today at least.
"Then let's make up for the lost time then."
She hears herself whisper to him just as quietly.
She watches the transformation that takes place on his face instantly; the solemn look wiped away and replaced by the smile that light up his face.
"Really, you are serious here?"
"Very."
"There' so much to catch up on then."
"I am here."
He watches his wife intently and decides to push the envelope, testing the waters he finds himself in now and wondering at the same time, if he is failing to catch something here."
"What if I ask you to do something, something we have not done so far?"
"What do you want to do?"
"You...you are willing?"
"Why do you sound so surprised? Have I given you a reason to think that I am a prude?"
"No...but I could ask anything of you then, are you sure you are ready for that?"
Cupping his face, she looks into his eyes with a hint of sheen in them as she replies,
"I want to be able to give you the world, but I don't think that I can..."
"Ishita...what are you..."
"I mean...how can I give a man who has everything anything at all?"
"You have given me more than enough, just by being there for me, by loving me."
"And I will always love you; always...I want to see you happy and smiling always."
"I will, as long as I have you."
"You know you have me forever."
"Then I need nothing more."
"Not even what you said you could ask of me right now?"
"Err...let me rephrase that then, apart from that I want nothing more."
"What do you want Raman?"
His hands slowly descend from her back to her heinie as he gives them a firm squeeze, pushing her closer to him as she comes even more firmly in contact with his hardening manhood. Looking into her eyes, he whispers two words to her that make her breath hitch.
"Ride me."
Her cheeks turn crimson as the demand made by her husband sinks in and she blushes scarlet, hiding her face in the nook of his neck, whispering his name softly against his skin.
"I thought you said you were ready to give me anything."
He teases her, his hands now working on the slim doris of her top, as he unravels the various knots starting from the one at the bottom, loosening the garment with each unraveling knot.
Lifting her head, she looks in his eyes and musters the courage that makes her say what she does.
"I am."
"Prove it then."
So she does.
She makes love to her husband on the night like never before, losing her inhibitions, her shyness along the way. Wanting to forget for a few hours what they have up ahead for them, wanting to let him know how much she loves him, how she wants nothing more than to give him the world, but cannot...
Trying to let him know what she cannot say aloud to him through their lovemaking that she has nothing more than her heart, her love and herself to offer to him, hoping against hope that for him that would be enough. Even as she prays for a miracle for him, for them, even as she takes him inside of her and loves him with all she has, fulfilling the fantasy she can, that lights up his face.
When he spills into her, as he lets go, so does she as she collapses against his chest.
Breathless and spent, her husband cradles the back of her head tenderly, as he kisses the top of her head whispering his love for her,
"I love you Ishita, I love you so much."
"I love you too Raman, I love you too...more than anything in this world."
She utters the words in the quiet of their room, where the only noise is of them panting, as she places the softest of kisses on her husband' heart, a lone tear spilling from the corner of her eye as she does so that mingles with their sweat and is lost in the quiet of the night.
Ishaani
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