[Disclaimer: I do not have children and my parents are not divorced; I have however seen first-hand how such situations can shake the foundation of a family and home. This is simply an attempt to understand a father's plight, a child's ill-fate, and the repercussions of such broken homes & families - particularly when children are caught in the crossfire of their parent's broken relationship. As always, this is simply IMHO. I do not wish to hurt anyone's sentiments.]
My apologies in advance for the length of this post...I found myself wanting to explore all angles and got a bit carried away. I proofread, but please excuse any mistakes.
I have to thank Gan [GanBarunFan] for giving me space to contemplate Father & Son today. If not for that space, I would not have attempted to get my thoughts down. Thank you for the encouragement, Gan.
***
If you have not heard it before, this song that released in the late 90s by Everclear explores the plight of a young child whose parents are undergoing divorce:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SO-XT4sJt6Q
I'm posting the lyrics here because they really do hit home with what I imagine is Adi's current state of mind...Read at your own will - these lyrics make me cry every time.
I close my eyes when I get too sad
I think thoughts that I know are bad
Close my eyes and I count to ten
Hope it's over when I open them
I want the things that I had before
Like a Star Wars poster on my bedroom door
I wish I could count to ten
Make everything be wonderful again
Hope my mom and I hope my dad
Will figure out why they get so mad
Hear them scream, I hear them fight
They say bad words that make me wanna cry
Close my eyes when I go to bed
And I dream of angels who make me smile
I feel better when I hear them say
Everything will be wonderful someday
I go to school and I run and play
I tell the kids that it's all okay
I laugh aloud so my friends won't know
When the bell rings I just don't wanna go home
Go to my room and I close my eyes
I make believe that I have a new life
I don't believe you when you say
Everything will be wonderful someday
Promises mean everything when you're little
And the world's so big
I just don't understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
Tell me everything is wonderful now
Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now
No, I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
I don't wanna hear you say
That I will understand someday
I don't wanna hear you say
You both have grown in a different way
I don't wanna meet your friends
And I don't wanna start over again
I just want my life to be the same
Just like it used to be
Some days I hate everything
I hate everything
Everyone and everything
Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now...
I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
***
Doc [Eyes-Wide-Shut] penned these beautiful lines and agreed to let me to share them here in the main post. Thank you Doc...your writing is an inspiration.
Bachpan
Bachpan ka chota kadh par sapna lambe
Martaban mein in sapno ko maa ne pyar se sigoya tha
Kahin yeh sapno ka martaban toot na jaye
toh papa ne inhen ek uche takht pe sagaya tha
in chote hathon ka thama tha aur gale se lagaya tha
Aaj jab in lambe hathon se us ucke takht ki tarf haath badhata hoon
Toh sochta hoon ki kash phir se chota hota ye kadh
Toh maa ke pyar and papa ke dular ke saath
kae aur sapno ke martaban sajate.
***
Shagun
I do not think it was ever a matter of Raman loving her more than she loved him. I think the fact is that she never loved him. Perhaps she gave the marriage a chance thinking the love would come - that one day she'd grow to love him, but as they say, love is not something that can be forced. I do not think she ever loved him because once children are in the picture, you would think parents would do everything in their power to try to hold their family together (hence Raman thinking having another child would help them find each other again). I do not think she ever loved him because by the time Ruhi came to be, she had already resigned herself of this relationship.
I do not blame her for walking out on her family (I know, sounds crazy, but go with me down this road for a moment). As Raman has finally come to terms with, Shagun had the right to choose her own happiness, regardless of the collateral damage. Call it selfish, but the truth is, we all have the right to choose our own happiness. One may argue that once children are in the picture, the child becomes top priority. I do not discount this, but perhaps it would have been just as detrimental, if not more, for these children to grow up in, what I can only imagine, would have become a hostile environment had their parents stayed together. The fact is, people fall out of love...marriages don't always work out. However, people have learned the art of making a broken family work. It's all about how you deal with the matter. As they say, spouses can get divorced, but parents cannot. The point is, despite the nasty divorce, if RKB and Shagun had focused on the kids (particularly Adi) instead of their own pain and plight, things wouldn't have gotten so out of hand (but this is another topic for a different day).
While one could argue that Shagun never loved Raman, I do not doubt her love for Aditya. She loves him...she always has. Unfortunately, her love is misguided. Shagun has a very materialistic outlook on life, which has, all these years, also defined who she is as a mother. Instead of providing her child with her time, guidance, a nurturing environment, she's given him materialistic comforts - perhaps because she truly believes, especially in the wake of the divorce, that at the very least, it will keep him happy, smiling. This is where she failed as a mother. This is why, a few days ago, when she slapped him for the first time in 12 years, finally tried to show him the error of his ways, the only thing that resonated with the child was that his mother had reprimanded him for the first time, and it was publicly humiliating. Children have to be taught, disciplined, and nurtured over the years. Neglecting them throughout, and then one day reprimanding them for their poor morals is not going to fix the deeper issues.
***
Aditya
"There is nothing like wounded affection for giving poignancy to anger." - Elizabeth Gaskell
Perhaps nothing is as heartbreaking as a child losing his innocence at far too young an age. Unfortunately, this is the fate of many young children of our society - particularly those who become victims of their parent's divorce or are raised in single-parent homes.
Aditya was merely 5 years old when his parent's relationship took a turn for the worst. He was ripped out of his childhood home, away from the loving embrace of his grandparents, aunts, uncles...and, most importantly, his father. The very infrastructure which helps to nurture a child's development was crumbled to ruins. In the wake of the damage, he was sent away to boarding school at a very tender age - when instead, he should have been cared for, coddled by his parents, reassured that though his parents didn't love each other anymore, they loved him unconditionally, and always would. When he finally returns, 5 years later, he's missing very important pieces of the puzzle of life: unwavering faith in the love of his parents, and, the importance of relationships - no matter how complicated, broken, irreparable they may be.
At the time of his parent's divorce, Adi was made to believe that his father was the bad guy and all the years that he was away, he carried an animosity towards the man for leaving his mother...and him; for not caring enough...for not loving them. When he returned, he faced an ugly truth: his father had remarried...and had a new family now - with his new wife - which could, in the eyes of an 11 year old, only mean that his mother's place in his father's life had been replaced, and he and his mother had been abandoned now, forever.
Shagun has, all these years, been the only constant in Adi's life. And for a young boy of 12, who's had everything snatched from him, it makes sense that he is fiercely protective of her. The fact that his father wronged his mother and continues to do so by siding with his new wife, only adds fuel to the fire.
Let's not forget that this child lives in an environment that is far from nurturing...where relationships are of no importance (case in point being his mother's relationship with her boyfriend - especially since he knows that Ashok, who he has, til now, called "dad" does not plan to marry his mother). What he sees and hears every day is his mother and the men that should be trustworthy father figures, not only speak ill about all of the Bhallas, but plan and plot to defame them and seek revenge.
Revenge. The idea is so seeped into this child's psyche because, well, they say the only way to raise a child is through example. Children will mimic the behaviors of the adults around them. Unfortunately, this child has not one person to look upon who can act as a moral compass...a positive role model.
I cannot imagine what it must be like for this child to grow up without his father teaching him things only a father can. Where does a child go when he feels like he has nowhere to turn? When he is robbed of all of his trusted relationships - first his father, then the man he sought to make his father, and today, even his uncle.
When children are cast aside, when they don't receive the attention they deserve, need, crave from their parents, they typically retreat into a shell and dream of a world where the problems don't exist, or, they act out in any way they can, in order to get a reaction - any reaction, from the parents. Adi, unfortunately, is doing just that.
The venom Adi spewed at his father today was 12 years in the making...the thought that makes me shudder however, is that this is just the tip of the iceberg. His every outburst to his father is a desperate cry for help. I can only imagine that with the current state of affairs of his "family", he must feel like he is drowning quickly.
This child is deeply wounded. He needs but one person he can trust fully to be on his side - as a friend, confidant, and guide. But before even that, he needs to learn to able to trust. He needs a counselor, to help him sort through his pain, anger, misconceptions. My heart broke for this child today. How sad it is that as adults we fail to realize the true repercussions that our failures have on our children.
***
Raman
"That night I experienced one of those sudden, unpleasant shifts of perception that occur to parents, when you notice a difference in your child that's been coming over a long time, and you're faced with it, and at the same time you're groping back to touch the child they were a minute ago..." -- Dorothy Johnston
He never asked for any of this. He never asked his wife to leave him...and he didn't ask for his son to be taken away from him. He's helpless in the face of it all - his son's ill-fate. Sadly, thanks to a restraining order, all these years, he's been forced to stand as an outsider and watch his son's life be driven to ruin.
I will never forget the day Adi told his father he no longer wished to be RKB's son. He wanted to be a Khanna. It hurts my heart to think what that must feel like - to have your child tell you they don't wish to be associated with you anymore. Raman, thinking if it was the one thing, the only thing he could do for his child, the one thing that would make his son happy, he would do it. Just like that, no questions asked. Since the word go, RKB has been desperate when it comes to Adi. He needs and craves his son's acceptance and love more than anything. Hence we have seen him bend to his son's every wish.
Six years ago, his son was but an innocent child who unfortunately got caught up in the crossfire of his nasty divorce. This same child today stands before him an adolescent who is filled with anger and contempt.
My heart broke for Raman today, for I cannot fathom what it must be like for your child to tell you that he hates you...and to know, that he actually means it. I cannot imagine what it must be like to look into the eyes of your 12-year-old son, and see not even a small trace of innocence...and worse, to know that you are to blame. What's tragic is that Raman is realizing that Adi is perhaps more damaged than he could have ever imagined. And rightfully, he's blaming himself for allowing it to go this far.
I have no doubt that if it weren't for the restraining order, Adi would not be so far gone. Raman would have maintained a relationship with his son all these years and done his part as a father, for all these years, he's wanted nothing more than to be Adi's father in a true sense. All of Raman's actions thus far have been an attempt to gain some kind of acceptance from his son.
It may be argued that Raman's love for Ishita is driving his sudden decision not to forgive his son's actions, but the truth is, the accident case made Raman realize he could no longer be an innocent bystander in his son's life. Regardless of the divorce, restraining order, and emancipation, one truth remains - Adi is his son, and ultimately his responsibility. Sadly, despite knowing this, even today, Raman stood helpless in the face of the misguided hatred that his son has been nurturing all these years. He stood helpless in the face of the realization that his son is more of a victim of his failed marriage than he himself.
***
I desperately wanted RKB to take his son into a bone-crushing hug today - even if forcefully. The kid needs to know that he is loved, and how.
I pray that Raman and Aditya are able to find a common ground and rebuild their shattered relationship. I pray this misguided, lonely child is able to fight his demons and see how much his parents love him.
***
I love this show for days like today - when grave issues that are very real to our society are addressed, that too so aptly.
I can't not mention KP's finesse, however, as usual, words fall short.
I am sorry for rambling so much. I tend to get carried away...
Love.
P
CID
Music Corner
3