TERI YADEIN MUJHE KYON RULADIYAH

Are some secrets best kept buried, especially if they are secrets that still have the power to wound? While Maya languishes seriously ill in hospital, will her daughter Anu have the determination to uncover the secrets, even when some people are opposed to her knowing the unvarnished truth? The truth is not always neat and tidy; the truth can have unpredictable consequences but once it is uncovered it cannot be unlearned. People's lives are forever changed.

This is a story of romance and heartbreak. You are invited to learn more by reading this (longish) short story.

Teri Yadein Mujhe Kyon Ruladiyah

She had not been looking forward to the task. With various excuses, she had put it off for several weeks. There was something akin to a diffuse feeling of both dread and loss holding her back. To do as her mother had asked had meant accepting the reality and gravity of the current situation - something she preferred not to do. Even as a well-adjusted, happily married woman of 25 with two children, she hadn't been entirely sure she could face the truth. Nevertheless she had summoned up the courage by cajoling herself into sorting out and disposing of her mother's non-essential belongings from the home that she had grown up in as a child. This place was also special because it held numerous wonderful memories.

It was several hours into the task, up in the attic where she had come across a well-hidden metal box measuring a foot long, almost as wide and some six inches deep. Not surprisingly it was locked. The box clearly contained something of importance. As she turned the box over feeling the weight and hearing the sound of the contents, she noticed a small key taped to the underside. What could it be other than some of her mother's old, special or sentimental items? She had no doubt or hesitation in opening the box. Then again, Anu had no idea that the world as she had known it up until now was about to unravel.

For a few moments she just stared at the contents as if paralysed. There were several audiotapes; a manila envelope with a dozen or so photographs peeking out; a post-marked letter addressed to her mother; a beautiful wine-red enamelled fountain pen with five flat faces separated by lines of gold and a gold top and nib; and a few items of semi-precious jewellery. She was immediately drawn to the photographs because the other items needed contextualisation to have any meaning to her. The pictures spoke for themselves and could be immediately understood. At least that was her opinion before she examined the old photographs with their colours muted by the passage of time.

The first photograph showed her mother full length, side on, wearing a tight fitting red shalwar kameez. Her mother with her long black hair hanging loose looked some twenty or so years younger, sexy, and was laughing at something off camera. The setting was of a lake in the background on a summery day. When she turned over the picture, the back held a scribbled date. A quick calculation made it clear the photo was taken when Anu had been about three years old. A fog of surprise and confusion began to cloud her senses. She quickly flipped to the next picture. It was a different scene in a town she did not recognise but the little girl in the photo was clearly her as a child. Rapidly she went through all the pictures looking for meaning and recognition. The photographs were clearly taken by someone who had skills with a camera. Most of them were of her mother at different locations, in different poses, wearing smart and colourful outfits. Frankly she looked like a model in some of the poses. Her mother looked happy and relaxed, in marked contrast to the way she was currently. Despite her attractiveness, in all the pictures, her mother did not seem to be conscious of her alluring appearance. It was surprising, even shocking for Anu to see her mother looking like this. Even grownup children found it hard to come to terms with the idea that their mother could be an attractive sexual being. Anu was no different in that regard. After all, the woman was her mother.

It was the last photograph Anu had fixated upon. A tall man, maybe 35 years old, with a broad forehead, a head of thick hair with a tiny hint of grey, looked at her with a self-conscious smile and experienced eyes. Clearly the man was not her father. She had seen pictures of her turbaned father and this man looked nothing like him. She had no idea who the stranger was. The back of the photograph was blank save for a name she did not recognise nor had heard mentioned by her mother. Was her mother involved with this man before, or after her father disappeared from the scene? For a moment it crossed Anu's mind that perhaps everything she had been told about her father abandoning his wife and child was a carefully crafted lie. Was that why her mother had never once mentioned this other man? What if the stranger had been responsible for the breakup of her mother's marriage? Her instincts told her she should hate that man. Afterwards she loathed herself for momentarily giving weight to the fact that the man was not even a Sikh. Her mother practiced her faith and attended Gurdwara regularly. In fact she had inducted Anu into Sikhism just as Anu had done with her own children. Can a devout person love someone of a different faith? Temporarily she batted that question away. Surely even devout people have needs and engage in physical relations, she reminded herself. Damn it, she was behaving like a moralistic teenager instead of the liberal minded grown woman that she was. This matter was too close to home for comfort. It was all so confusing and disconcerting, particularly since it involved the woman she respected and loved. There was no denying her mother had been an inspiration to her. Was she going to blame her mother for being human instead of living up to an image Anu had projected upon her? Was she hurt more by the fact that her mother had kept the matter from her rather than the fact that she had a deep and significant relationship with this stranger?

She was determined to solve the mystery. To do that she would need a cassette player to learn more from the audiotapes in the box. She wanted to read the letter addressed to her mother. This matter had a bearing on her too. At least that's what she told herself. It was now not a question of if or when, but rather of how she would talk to her mother about the matter. How does one raise such a delicate matter with one's mother when she is seriously ill in hospital?

xxx

There was something odd about the audiotapes - they had a faint odour. When Anu held one up to her nose and inhaled deeply she detected the distinct smell of some sort of cologne. One didn't come across that every day. Each and every one of the tapes had the same pleasant musky scent. Did men really do that sort of thing? As for the contents, she recognised all the old romantic Bollywood songs on the audiocassettes. Over the years, her own mother had introduced her to many of them. Was that a coincidence? And here they were, compiled in cassettes dedicated to her mother by the stranger in the photograph. He must have loved her mother intensely. The fact that her mother had kept these mementoes for all these years led to the inescapable conclusion that her mother had reciprocated that love in equal measure. That in itself fired memories of the intense romance in the early years of her own marriage to Surinder. Despite herself, Anu felt her heart soften on learning about the hidden relationship. She couldn't help a weepiness creep over her. However, she felt she needed to know a great deal more about this aspect of her mother's hidden life. Why had her mother and this stranger broken up? The matter of her mother's privacy never crossed Anu's mind. A mother should not be keeping secrets like this from her daughter, she told herself. And there was no one there to contradict on that.

At first she thought it was the mood created by the romantic songs playing in the background that was responsible for her reaction when she read the letter. Well that and the fact that deep down everyone felt emotional about a story of love and romance. At heart, was that not what each of us desired for ourselves? As a man's pain, loss and regret were spelled out in the handwritten lines, he changed from being an ominous stranger into a genuine person. Anu felt tears welling up. She read the letter several times, stopping and lingering on certain phrases and words. The man was a veritable word-smith. For what felt like hours she wallowed in sentiments the letter evoked in her. Her heart went out to the man who had borne so much sadness and lost the person he considered the most important in his life.

When her thoughts turned back to her mother she felt more sympathetic towards her than she had initially on finding the box. She regretted rushing to judgement. How did you get involved, mother? What really happened? Why did you two break up? There were too many unanswered questions for Anu to just accept what little she knew. If she were prudent, she would return the box to where she found it and forget the matter. However she was too intrigued to do that. At that moment she resolved to get the whole story out of her mother. The only difficulty ahead was how to broach the subject with a mother in hospital, suffering from cancer.

xxx

Her mother had the closed metal box sitting on her lap and was clearly annoyed that Anu knew of its contents. She made no attempt to open it to re-examine the items.

"You had no right to open that box!"

"I know, Mom - but the contents were a bit of a shock."

"No one seems to respect one's privacy these days."

Anu winced at the barbed comment was directed at her.

"When you realised the contents were very personal to me, why didn't you just stop right there? You're an adult and should've had the sense to close the box and put it back. Alternatively, you could have brought the box to me. I brought you up to respect other people's privacy."

Anu knew she was in the wrong and sounded contrite, but her curiosity about the matter never wavered. "I'm sorry, Mom...but who was he?"

"That's none of your business! You still don't get it, do you? Some things are private and personal."

"I understand that. Mom, the truth is I need to know if he was the reason my father left us."

"No," was the emphatic reply. Her mother was in no mind to elaborate. In her own assessment Anu put the mood down to the side-effects of the chemotherapy and tiredness. The medical treatment had also robbed her of the beautiful long hair that Anu had always envied.

"No? Is that all you're going to say?"

"Yes. He had nothing to do with your father leaving us. He came into the picture after your father left. That's all you need to know."

"But you had an affair with him!"

"It wasn't like that. Don't make it sound so cheap. Besides, you have no right to moralise about my actions. I'm your mother!"

Such an angry reaction was not what Anu had expected. Normally her mother was even tempered and easy going.

"But Mom, what am I to think given all the secrecy about the man?" Her mother only turned her face away from her as if shutting her out. "I need to know the truth, Mom. I'm not a child anymore that needs to be protected...Or are you ashamed of what happened?"

A little too late Anu realised that she had wounded her mother with her last remark.

"I think I've heard enough from you. It's time you to left."

Anu felt exasperated by her mother's attitude but recognised that it was not an easy matter to talk about regardless of status or cultural mores. "Mom, please don't be like that. I just want to know the truth."

There followed a moment of silence before a carefully considered response was forthcoming. "The truth is that we cared deeply for each other but it didn't work out."

"Why not? What happened?"

At first her mother said nothing. She simply held up her hand indicating, that's enough. Time to be silent. It was gesture Anu was accustomed to from her upbringing.

"I need to know what happened," the young woman pleaded.

"No you don't. You've lived perfectly well until now without knowing. If I felt you needed to know, don't you think I would have told you?"

"You're right. But since I know a little of the story, I would like to know the rest. Please don't shut me out - not at a time like this...with you being ill..."

She knew her second stage cancer diagnosis weighed heavily on her daughter's mind. Perhaps she did deserve to know more. After all, it was not as if she was ashamed of what had happened. It was just that the matter was very personal, private and brought back memories she preferred to remain buried. After weighing up the matter, she decided to share some information with her daughter.

"Your father only married me to get a visa to enter the country, although I didn't know it until well after we were wed. As I've told you before, I agreed to marry mostly to get away from your domineering Nanima. As soon as your father realised the weight of responsibilities involved in being a husband and father, he upped and left. Two years later, I filed for divorce. That's all there is to it."

She was aware she had left out important details including how she had found the strength to start divorce proceedings and fight to retain the house I which her daughter had grown up.

Anu had heard more details in previous accounts given by her mother. When her Dadaji died of a heart attack, her Nanima had put her mother to work sewing clothes in a sweat shop. In fact it happened even while her mother was supposed to be at school. Attendance at school was erratic because earning money was considered more important by the family. Even though her mother had demonstrated promising intelligence, education was considered an unnecessary waste of time by Nanima. With no exam qualifications worthy of the name, her mother had had few options but the sweat shop. A few years on, marriage seemed like an escape from the sweat shop. Later when she had been abandoned by her husband, the dressmaking skills had sustained mother and child through difficult times.

"And this Shahid came along and romanced a vulnerable woman who had been abandoned by her husband," Anu blurted out before she could stop herself.

Her mother's eyes were smouldering with fury. "Don't you ever say that about him!"

In her mother's reaction, Anu recognised the familiar echo of a staunch defence by a loyal wife of her husband's honour and reputation. She herself would have reacted similarly if her husband's motives were impugned. Yet in her mother's case, she was not talking about her husband. This man of whom she never spoke must have meant a great deal to her that she still maintained loyalty to his memory. So why was she not with him now?

"Mom, he must have known you were a single mother - What am I supposed to think?"

"I think I don't I care for your attitude. When the cancer takes me, you can say what you like but until -"

"Mom, don't talk like that...please...? " The conversation was not going at all as she had thought it would. "You're going to be around for a while yet," Anu added knowing full well that her statement was more of a hope than diagnosis.

"You never were a good liar," remarked her mother with a certain snort of derision as she distractedly adjusted her position in the bed. Thankfully it was a private ward and no one else had heard the conversation.

"Are you going to tell me who he was, Mom? And what he meant to you?"

"Let's just say that if it wasn't for him you and I wouldn't be who we are today."

"What on earth does that mean?"

"It means he supported me both emotionally and financially when no one else did. He looked out for us both. He's not a person you should hate or disrespect. If he hadn't boosted my self-confidence and encouraged me to gain some basic qualifications do you think I could have gone on to get my degree in social work? Or be able to support you through university? I owe him so much - we both do," she concluded.

"So why did you two break up?"

"Anu, I don't want to talk about this anymore...Besides, I'm really tired now...I need some sleep."

That was how the initial conversation stalled. Difficult as it was, Anu was too single minded to leave matters there.

xxx

When her daughter Anu had left, she had slept fitfully, plagued by old memories that she thought she had laid to rest. It had taken a great deal of determination not to re-read the letter she had foolishly kept all those years ago. Not wanting to open old wounds she had given the metal box to Anu to return to its place of hiding. Although she and Anu were closer than many mothers and daughters, she found it difficult to share with her daughter the details of that passionate interlude. It's not the kind of thing that mothers discuss with their children, even though they now manifested as adults like Anu. It was a very private matter and discussing it would only take her emotionally to a place she would rather not visit.

After all these years she still felt guilty for what she had done to him. She had shunned him. Yes, he had in his own way hurt her too, but not through any malice. She found it hard to live with the idea that he probably now hated her for her actions. To him, she must have come across as callous at the very end of the relationship. Deep inside her there were remnants of feelings for him even after 25 years. After all, he had been the last man she had known intimately and the man with whom she had planned a future. Whatever he had behaved towards her, there was no doubt in her mind that in his own way he had loved her passionately. If only he had conveyed that love in a way she could appreciate fully. He had been no angel - just a complex and driven man who had only wanted the best for her and Anu. While he had numerous flaws, his intentions were always honourable. He had pushed her exceptionally hard to be all she could be and that coupled with his flashes of anger had temporarily crushed her spirit. He had tried to empower her and open her up to new ideas too rapidly and had succeeded in breaking her instead. She had reached the point where she could take no more. She had wanted space from the man who wanted to marry her, and give her children. At the time, God, how she had wanted those same things with him too, despite the barriers that faced them.

At that stage in her life, her religious practices had been comforting routines. The rediscovery of her real faith had followed the breakup with her former manager. He used to call himself a cultural Muslim, with no deep religious convictions, only familiar traditions. At heart he'd been a sceptic about religions generally. On the few occasions that they had discussed religious differences he had made his position clear. He did not want or expect her to convert to Islam. She knew he had said this because of his deeply held beliefs and principles. He had spoken of participating fully in her and Anu's life and not wishing to be cut off from any part of it. In fact he had gone as far as saying that if she asked him, he would convert to Sikhism. Even if he hadn't truly meant it, she had still loved him for saying it, when he didn't need to. Unlike her, he hadn't been fazed by societal pressures and threats that were bound to impact them had they married or continued their love affair. However he hadn't been nave about how their respective communities might react and had been practical enough to ensure she and Anu were kept out of harm's way.

When the breakup finally came, she had been the one to opt out, after a trivial argument that tipped her pressured being over the edge. For two weeks absolute silence reigned between them. He was not being stubborn but living by the principles he believed in. She had wanted the breakup and he had to respect that. He would not plead or beg for her to come back unless he had some indication that she was reconsidering her decision. As she had given him none, he was obliged to keep his distance and respect her space. However, late one night in a moment of weakness, when she was missing him desperately, she had called him and simply said, "I need you." There had been no denying she had needed and wanted him to hold her in his comforting embrace.

Without any discussion or hesitation he had driven the 45 minutes to her flat. They had continued from where they had left off with no discussion whatsoever of the hiatus in their relationship or the reasons behind it. In the morning she had casually mentioned the size of the poll tax bill she needed to take care of soon. While he had never spoken about it explicitly he had always indicated that as his partner she was entitled to his money. Even at that low point in their relationship, without discussion or comment, he had gone to an ATM machine, withdrawn money and had given it to her as if it was the most natural thing to do. Nothing more had been said about it, just as in all the other occasions.

When they had parted that day, only she had known they would never see each other again. Even now, she felt guilty she had taken advantage of him in that way. When he hadn't phoned or called at her flat after two days, she'd known he had been awaiting her move, her signal that they were genuinely on track again. Why couldn't he have pursued her like other men would have done? Damn that man and his principles! That was why the days had become a month of estrangement, until the day his letter had arrived to formally acknowledge the end to their relationship.

Despite what her daughter thought, she had been the one who had taken the first step to change their work relationship into something more intimate. As her manager he had helped her resolve some difficulties she was having with one or two of her co-workers. She had been impressed by the way he had handled the matter.

He had been a handsome and engaging person, much gossiped about by the staff. The rumour mill had spoken of him as having difficulties with the woman he had been living with at the time. Somehow in her mind this had given her the green light to indicate what she felt about him. The fact that she had already hero-worshipped' him from afar had made her decision even easier. As a woman she had already picked up on the fact that he was attracted to her but his behaviour up to that point had remained strictly professional. Matters had changed only when she had taken the first few steps to suggest she wanted more from him. The frequent excuses to liaise with him had provided opportunities for subtle flirting and if that was unclear, then the audiotape she had left for him served as a clear invitation. She had already admired him for his intellect and the work he did. His appealing sense of humour had also been a draw. Despite his frequent flashes of anger, essentially he had been a gentle soul although the fierce public persona he had deliberately built for himself would have denied that. It had been an easy step for her to fall in love with him.

xxx

Over a few weeks, Anu had learned some more about her mother's secret life. The information though came only in disjointed pieces that her mother saw fit to share. Anu managed to piece together what little she knew of the story. It did not go unnoticed by Anu that her mother never once referred to the man by his name. She always referred to him indirectly. That could not be mere coincidence. Was her mother subconsciously echoing the cultural tradition of a mother never referring to her husband by name when speaking to the children?

Within weeks of their romance beginning his existing live-in partner had moved out. The two new lovers had prudently hidden their relationship at the workplace and kept up their guard even after he had moved to a new job much further afield. He had fiercely opposed her getting her own new accommodation when she had the option of moving in with him. Her mother had felt she needed her own space and had been concerned about public gossip. Disappointed as he had been, once she had decided her option, he had supported her move to have her own place. After all, it was in keeping with his idea that she should be with him because she wanted to be, and not because she was dependent upon him. To render practical help, he had single-handedly decorated her mother's new home. That was the home where Anu had grown up although she was too young to remember the time he spent there with both of them.

Their weekends together had always been a buzz of activity. They eaten out at restaurants frequently. Initially this had been a novelty for her mother who had led a sheltered life. They had shopped together and he had stood uncomplainingly while her mother chose clothes. There had been frequent visits to parks and zoos. In that regard, they had been like so many married couples. He had taken mother and daughter on trips to different towns and new places. It had been on one of those trips that he had taken a picture of Anu that ended up in her mother's secret box. Like starry eyed lovers, they had continued to give or send each other audiotapes of selected love songs. Her mother had kept only some of the earlier ones. Hours had been spent on the phone when they were apart. Two or three times during the week he would drive straight from work to her house and not leave until late even though he had an early start for work the following morning.

Despite the fun times and the scenes of domesticity, they had also argued. He had shouted a great deal and that had scared her mother even though she had known his bark was worse than his bite. Never had it ever crossed her mind that he would become physical with her, but nonetheless she had found him intimidating at times. His anger would explode suddenly and just as suddenly disappear. She had always been on edge because she never knew when his anger would explode. He had also constantly pushed for her transformation. The irony had been that he hadn't been trying to remould her for his own selfish reasons. If anything he had wanted her to be more independent, self-confident and qualified - the very qualities that would make her less reliant on him and more likely to have the courage to leave him one day. And that was exactly what transpired.

Although immediately after the breakup her mother had turned to religion for succour, and she had become more devout, she eventually realised she needed to rely upon herself. It had only been then that her mother had appreciated fully what he had been doing for her and why. She would always be eternally grateful to him for that, even though he would never come to know of her appreciation.

Anu was absorbed with the matter of Shahid and her mother only partially out of curiosity. It was also a useful distraction from thinking of the prospects of her mother's survival from cervical cancer. Although her mother accepted her medical condition with equanimity, Anu felt it difficult to come to terms with. The thought of losing her mother scared her. The uncovering of the hidden relationship gave Anu a different side to her mother to focus on.

After the initial friction with her mother over the long kept secret, Anu felt closer to her mother in some ways. No longer was she so critical and judgemental about her mother's actions. The realisation came slowly that her mother was not just a parent but a real person with the full gamut of human feelings. At times she wondered how she would have coped if she had been in her mother's shoes. Anu learned to appreciate more what her mother had gone through and the sacrifices she had made to bring up a child on her own. Thank goodness she at least had her husband Surinder to support her. As for the mystery relationship, she wanted to know even more. Anu realised that with the ubiquitous presence of the internet and Facebook, perhaps there was yet a way to learn more than her mother had told her. At least she could find out if he was still in the country - or even alive.

xxx

For a few moments she sat staring at the house and reflecting on her month long dedicated search with its numerous dead ends, and at times, dearth of useful information that led her here. Despite the information age, internet searches and Facebook, some people were very private with little or no digital footprint. It would have been so much easier if she could have sounded out people through email addresses to write to rather than to make a personal visit. Was this trip going to be like the other two forlorn ones she had already made? Possibly, but Anu was as determined as a person looking to track down an absent biological parent. She wanted the unenamoured truth about her mother's past and she wanted to hear both sides of the story.

In her mind, again and again, she had gone over how she would initiate the conversation with a total stranger. Like chess moves, she considered the possible responses to her own comments and questions. Despite this she could not anticipate all his possible reactions, or even the possibility that the person might refuse altogether to engage with her. After all, the person was not on the witness stand being interrogated by a barrister. For any number of reasons the individual could from the outset tell her to leave. Anu had to tread carefully and with sensitivity. Very likely the individual in question was leading a married life now and would resent any intrusion. How would she herself react if she discovered something about her husband Surinder's previous love life? When her conscience did surface, she was obliged to consider the consequences of her quest. Did she have the right to potentially destabilise someone else's marriage for her own selfish reasons? Despite the answer to that question was no, she decided nevertheless to continue. Anu surmised she would have no leverage with him as she had with her mother, who in any case hadn't been entirely cooperative. What if he was still bitter and angry at what her mother had put him through? The possible outcomes of her knocking on his door were daunting, but Anu was not only obsessed but also she had been raised to not shirk a difficult task or give in easily.

She got out of her car, a large envelope in hand and proceeded up to the front door. Anu took a deep breath and pressed the bell in hope.

It felt like ages since she rang the doorbell but there was no sign of anyone answering. She was beginning to doubt for the second time whether anyone was actually at home when there was the sound of someone unlocking the front door. As soon as the door opened wide enough to see who was there, Anu scanned the figure quickly in order to make an assessment as to whether her next move should be to apologise for mistaking the house, or go ahead and introduce herself.

The figure was at least six foot tall with thinning salt and pepper hair, more salt than pepper though. Clothed in a smart casual style, his build apart from a very slight paunch was in proportion to his size. He looked to be in his early fifties and not the 64 Anu knew him to be. The face had something of a Punjabi look with intelligent eyes and a relaxed, comfortable-in-one's skin appearance.

"Yes? Can I help you?" The voice was deep but gentle.

Anu took a further moment to make her decision. She managed to convince herself she recognised his resemblance to the photograph her mother had kept.

"Hello...My name is Anu Kohli."

"Ms. Kohli I'm not interested in double glazing or anything else you're selling." Even as he said it, he gave her a disarming smile. "If you don't mind I'd like to get back to what I was doing..."

The door began to close.

Anu's brain was screaming, No! Quick! Say something! However, before she could, her hand reflexively went out to stop the door from closing.

"You're Shahid Munir, aren't you?" she managed to say, halting the door's progress.

The door was pulled fully open again and there was a flash of exasperation in the man's appearance. "I'm still not interested in anything you're selling," he stated, the voice deliberately controlled and even, to hide his annoyance.

"As I said earlier, my name is Anu Kohli."

"Throwing names at me won't persuade me to buy anything you're trying to sell."

Quite suddenly she realised her mistake and corrected it. "My married name is Anu Kohli but I was born Anu Biant."

He considered the name for a moment. "That name means nothing to me either, I'm afraid." When he saw her look of disappointment, he added "Why do you persist in thinking your name will change my mind? "

Anu remembered the rehearsed possible conversations and decided to use one of the opening gambits she had devised. It might just work.

"I believe you knew my mother."

A broad smile crept across his face as he responded in a jokey manner. "I've known lots of people in my long life but at my age I can't keep a track of all of them."

Was this a hint of the sense of humour that her mother had mentioned? God, this was proving harder than she had anticipated. Dare she raise the stakes even though it was likely the door could still be slammed in her face? She did not hesitate in making the gamble.

"You knew my mother, Maya Biant."

For a long moment, carefully he scanned Anu's face trying to discern some semblance to Maya Biant. The nose certainly carried a certain familiarity about it, and the mouth was reminiscent but not as generous. This young woman with short, dark brown hair, instead of black, was a head taller and not as slim but nonetheless attractive. He discerned a distinct hint of family likeness.

As Anu watched silently, the man's thoughtful expression for an instant only, suddenly changed before quickly recovering. It was obvious he now recognised her mother's name but from this initial reaction it was clear he wasn't easily going to tell Anu what she wished to know.

He was calm and collected except that she noticed his hand was gripping the edge of the door a little more tightly than before.

"Yes, for a little while I was her manager...But that was almost 25 years ago," was his response.

There was almost a practised ease with which he hid what he really felt. Anu realised he was going to prove difficult.

"If your mother has had an accident or passed away, I'm truly sorry, but I don't really understand the purpose of your visit."

Either you're very good at hiding your emotions in public or you genuinely have forgotten my mother, thought Anu. In the end she concluded it was the former. She convinced herself that he had deliberately used that particular choice of words for a reason. He was angling for Anu to provide some information about her mother's well-being without making it obvious he was interested. She needed to press on but was wary of not pressing too hard in case he closed the door on her.

"If you could spare me a few minutes of your time, I could explain the purpose of my visit."

Briefly he weighed up the suggestion. "Since you are Maya's daughter, I reckon I can give you a few minutes of my time."

He stepped back a little and opened the door wider to give her access.

Secretly she was so excited at having passed the first hurdle successfully she barely noticed the surroundings as she was led into a pleasantly furnished living room where she was invited to make herself comfortable. Even though the room was tastefully decorated, to Anu's discerning eyes, it lacked a woman's touch. That was a relief since the last thing she wanted was to jeopardise any established relationship he might have now.

"I can spare you ten minutes, Mrs Kohli...So, it's over to you now."

She opened the envelope in her lap and took out a photograph and slowly handed it to him. He scrutinised it then looked up at Anu as if checking out any similarities. He looked back at the picture before finally handing it back to Anu.

"It's clearly a picture of you as a child but I don't see where you're going with this," he commented.

"My mother asked me to tidy up her attic where I came across the photo along with some other items."

She looked in the envelope and extracted a second photo which she handed to him. Anu could have sworn that for a second his face blanched in shock before quickly recovering. This was not the typical reaction of someone recognising the picture of some old work colleague. There should have been a smile where there had been a flash of distress. Clearly her mother had been more than a mere employee to him. His comment however was very matter of fact.

"Yes, it's your mother, Maya. It must have been taken around about the time she worked for me."

She couldn't help but notice how his eyes lingered on the photograph and he made no attempt to give it back. Also, there was a distant, reflective look to his eyes when his gaze left the picture. Then out of the blue, he asked what Anu felt, was a telling question.

"Did your mother for some strange reason send you with these?"

"She doesn't even know I'm here," Anu confessed.

She delved in the envelope and extracted one last photograph which she handed to him.

"I think this is the most interesting photo."

He smiled at recognising his younger self and jokingly commented "I had less grey and more hair then." He handed back the photo and it did not go unnoticed that he continued to retain the picture of Maya. "The picture was clearly taken around the time Maya worked under me," he explained.

"Yes but it was among my mother's belongings..."

Anu waited for a suitable response, one where he dropped the pretence and levelled with her. How long was he going to keep up this charade? Instead, he shrugged as if to say, why is that anything to do with me?

"If the journey down memory lane is over, Mrs Kohli, your ten minutes have expired."

Clearly he was still fiercely protective of the secret relationship. Aware of how hurt he had been when the affair ended, Anu had been gentle in nudging him to share information about the past but she was clearly not succeeding. He left her with no other option and as much as she regretted doing it, she withdrew the last item from her envelope.

"Along with the photos she also kept this letter," she said, handing the item to him. "I believe it belonged to you," she added in a softer, gentler voice because she felt guilty doing this to him.

Anu watched him check the address and noticed the expression of recognition, most likely of his own handwriting. He sat silently staring at it and as he did, she noticed the beginnings of a slight tremor in his hand. Still he made no move to read the letter.

Anu knew this must be very difficult for him and felt obliged to add, "My mother will kill me if she ever finds out I shared that with you."

Deep down Anu knew it was not even hers to share and her action was questionable to say the least. But she had come this far and needed to go farther yet.

He avoided looking at her. Then slowly he got up, still refusing to face Anu. "Excuse me for a moment, will you," he mumbled. "I need to check something in the kitchen..."

He took the letter with him and left Anu sitting alone. She understood he wanted to read the letter in private.

Waiting for his return, she began to regret starting this whole business of raking up the past. Clearly neither of the involved parties had wanted this, only she did. Anu kept wondering what was going through his head and heart as he re-read the letter he'd written a generation ago. After some twenty minutes, Anu began to worry that he hadn't returned. God forbid, she'd given him a heart attack. Her growing guilt compelled her to check how he was. Getting up she went in search of the kitchen to see how he was.

Anu could have sworn she heard a gentle sobbing. She followed the sound. The kitchen door was slightly ajar. Quietly she opened it and stealthily took a few steps inside. Nonetheless the sound of her heels on the tiled floor must have alerted him as he suddenly fell silent in her presence. He sat at the large oak dining table, head still bowed staring at the letter. An occasional tear dripped from his face onto the table. She was momentarily overwhelmed by remorse for what she had precipitated. Perhaps she should have respected her mother's view that some things ought to remain private. Too much honesty can hurt as she could plainly see for herself.

She went over to the dining table and quietly took a seat next to him. Still his head remained bowed but the tears had now dried up. Anu snaked out a sympathetic hand and gently laid it on his arm. "Shahid Uncle...I'm so sorry...I didn't set out to hurt you or to re-open old wounds..."

He sniffed and wiped his wet cheeks with the back the back of both hands without any obvious embarrassment. He then looked directly at her for the first time and forced a smile.

"You know, once upon a time, I used to bounce you on my knee and read you bedtime stories...Look at you now...Your mother must be so proud of you."

Recognising the genuine ring of admiration in his words, she felt even more guilty for what she had just put him through.

"That won't stop her throttling me for what I've done to you," she said half jocularly.

"Don't worry, I won't tell her. Besides, her bark is worse than her bite."

"That's what she said about you!"

He laughed on hearing that and she joined him. Finally the tension had been broken. It also signalled the end of one phase and hopefully the beginning of a new one. They were no longer strangers. When the laughter had died, he became more serious and business like.

"So, why are you really here Anu?"

"As I said earlier - I came across the photos, audiotapes and letter by accident when clearing up Mom's attic...She was furious when she learned that I'd invaded her privacy by examining the contents."

"And despite that you hunted me down and then invaded mine," he chided ever so gently.

There was a twinkle in his eye and a certain charm about him, even now. What must he have been like as a much younger man? Anu could understand why her mother had fallen for him.

"I can't apologise enough, Uncle...but Mom was so tight-lipped about the matter...I mean, it's not as if I'm a child anymore."

"She had so much more to lose than I did, beti." Anu noted his use of the affectionate term acknowledging they had at least a tentative relationship of sorts. "I only hid matters to protect your mother and you. Then it became second nature to me. You know how our communities gossip, judge and ostracise those that don't follow expected behaviour. To make matters worse, your mother and I were from different religions. Mixed relationships are barely acceptable today, let alone back then. Not everyone understands or believes that love recognises no religious differences."

When Anu nodded in acknowledgement he shifted gears smoothly and asked "So what is it you feel you ought to know but your mother wouldn't share? And keep in mind I will not engage in a kiss-and-tell session. Some matters will forever remain private."

"I understand...But before I get to that, will you indulge me on one other matter?" He nodded imperceptibly. "It's obvious you loved Mom deeply...but why after a few years of the break-up didn't you marry and lead a normal life? - If you know what I mean."

There was a pause as he composed his thoughts. Deliberately looking directly at her he gave the only answer that made sense to him.

"It might sound clich but from the moment we became involved, just the mere sight of your mother used to take my breath away. When you showed me her photo a little earlier my heart soared. Beti, there's never been a day in the last 20 years that I haven't thought about her or missed her. I refused to jeopardise the memory of what we once had - to be bewaffa, to use our own language. Breaking up with your mother was the biggest mistake or tragedy in my life. And to make matters worse, I know I single-handedly was responsible for it."

Now the inhibitions had been put aside, he was baring his soul to her. She was genuinely surprised at the lasting depth of his affection despite the way things had ended between them.

"Even after all the bad things that happened in the relationship how can you still feel the way you do about Mom?"

"In my head, intellectually if you like, I know we had arguments, we hurt each other - but in my heart I only recall the happy times. Love causes a sort of amnesia about hurtful events. At least it did for me."

"Mom didn't marry again either."

"I know..." he acknowledged softly.

That confession surprised her. Her curiosity was sparked.

"But how could you if you respected her wishes to keep your distance because of your principles?"

"Oh, so she told you about me and my precious principles," he commented light-heartedly.

"Yes, she did. And you were going to explain how you know she didn't re-marry if you stuck to your principles."

He smiled sagely. "Beti, what do you want me to say? I'm not perfect, only a flawed human being. While principles can't be broken, they can nevertheless be bent a little."

At that point he gave a mischievous smile. He did have a lovely smile, Anu conceded.

"Besides, a mutual friend occasionally passed on some information about what was happening in your lives. That's how I knew. And I reckoned that if she didn't remarry within about five years of our breakup, she probably never would. I shouldn't need to remind you of all people how so many divorced women in our community sacrifice or sublimate her own needs, to invest in their children's upbringing. Look at how well you turned out because of that!"

His last comment surprised her. She had never considered her mother's action in those terms and it only reinforced her admiration and affection for her mother. It was only since her mother's cancer diagnosis and the possibility of losing her that she had stopped taking her for granted.

Anu wanted to tell him that her mother still cared for him in her own way, but realised it was not her place to say so. She had crossed enough lines thus far and she decided that was one line she mustn't cross.

"If it helps any, I can tell you that Mom values all that she learned from you. She told me recently that she and I wouldn't be where we are now if it hadn't been for you."

"That's generous of your mother to say so but I don't know if it's entirely true. However, I do know she taught me a great deal as well. That blasted temper of mine was finally brought under some control and I learned not to be such a hard task master. Now I work at a pace people can keep up with. More's the pity that I learned my lessons too late to save our relationship," he concluded ruefully.

Her heart went out to him and her admiration for his sensitivity and wisdom grew the more she listened to him. He was not at all like what she had imagined before she crossed his threshold. For reasons she could not fully articulate, she felt emotionally drawn to him. When she had planned this visit she had had every intention of telling him of her mother's serious illness. It was one of the ways in which she had rationalised her quest to find him. Now however, she felt she couldn't lay that emotional burden upon him. Yes, given his depth of feelings for her mother, he deserved to know, but she feared it would be too much for him to bear. She was afraid he might break.

He interrupted her train of thoughts when he stood up and wandered over towards the sink. He busied himself with filling a kettle. Looking over his shoulder at Anu, he announced "I don't know about you, but I'm desperate for a cup of tea. I have a feeling we're going to be talking for a little while longer."

xxx

Their friendship of sorts developed over the coming weeks as they kept in touch through email and phone. Anu initiated all of the phone calls or emails and he always responded. Although he made a point of never directly asking about her mother, Anu would sometimes volunteer information. That way he wasn't obliged to break his principles to know about her mother. Slowly he pieced together some of the things that happened during his absent years, and in return Anu formed a more balanced view of his relationship with her mother. All the exchanges were prudently kept secret from her mother. Through these interactions he had been perceptive enough to deduce something important was troubling Anu, but since she wasn't prepared to share it, he did not press her. Only when her mother's condition began to deteriorate did Anu ask to speak to him face to face. Her heart told her it was now essential he learned about her mother's health. When he agreed to the meeting he had no idea what shocking news was in store for him.

Not surprisingly when Anu told him the news he was initially devastated and saddened. The test results had revealed that the cancer had gone from stage 2A to 2B, but this would have meant nothing to him even if had been capable of understanding the information. All that lodged in his mind was that his Maya had cancer and like most people he read a cancer diagnosis as a death sentence. The news was upsetting for Anu too but she had been living with the news of the initial diagnosis for more than a year now. However after only an hour of coming to terms with the devastating news, she was surprised at what he said next. From what he said, it was clear he was more resilient than she had allowed for.

"Why did you not tell me earlier?"

"I'd already hurt you so much the first time we met. It seemed so unfair to lay this additional burden on you considering how you still feel about my Mom."

"I'd rather know, painful as it is, than not know. What if you hadn't told me and, God forbid, she had passed away?"

She knew he could have said more, but he deliberately chose to leave it at that. Feeling suitably chastened, she saw no point in defending her actions. As the one who had deliberately upset the dynamic of three people, by tracking him down, she bore some responsibility for the current situation. She apologised as best she could then lapsed into silence. For a while they sat quietly, solemn faced, each lost in their own private thoughts. Eventually he was the first to speak.

"Is there anything I can do to help? Are you sure she's even receiving the best or latest treatment?"

Anu nodded affirmatively.

"Is the family short of finances?"

She shook her head.

"There must be something I can do?" he asked in angry frustration.

She felt obliged to state the obvious. "Go see her in hospital."

His reply was quick and resolute. "No."

He noticed her look of disappointment. "Anu beti, I'll do whatever else you want, but please don't ask that of me."

"Don't you want to see her?"

"Of course I do. I've been wanting to see her for 20 years."

"So what's the problem?"

"The same one that stopped me a thousand times before, from knocking on her door."

"But this is different. She's seriously ill..."

"My presence will not improve her medical condition. Besides, what if I turn up out of the blue and that only upsets her? How will I live with knowing that instead of helping, I had only made her feel worse?"

"Don't you deserve to see her - possibly for the last time?"

He ducked the question and instead futilely tried to rationalise his refusal to see Maya.

"But she wouldn't want me to see her in her present state."

"I'm sure that will not be the first thing that crosses her mind if you turn up."

"Anu beti, you don't understand... how scared I am deep down, at the idea of seeing her again."

"What so scary about briefly meeting the woman you've been emotionally tied to for 20 years?"

"But she's no longer emotionally tied to me. You just don't understand, do you?"

There was frustration and annoyance in his tone and he was clearly being buffeted by a range of conflicting emotions.

"Well, make me understand!" Anu demanded in exasperation. God, the man could be difficult at times.

"Ever since we broke up," he began, this time more mildly than before, "I've lived with the dread and fear of someday bumping into your mother by chance."

"What's so scary about that? If you bump into her, you say hello, she says hello back."

"Anu she might have cut the cord, but I caused the breakup. She probably resents me and hates me for what I did to her."

"Take it from me. She neither resents nor hates you. Far from it."

"You still don't understand," he persisted. "It is not her I'm scared of."

"Then what are you scared of?"

"Myself...my emotions and how they will let me down. I can't be sure I won't break down in front her. I'm supposed to be the emotionally strong one in the relationship...And there I would be, weeping like a child...She would know I hadn't moved on and maybe even feel guilty about that...No, I don't think I can live with that or have her see me like that."

"It needn't turn out like that - nor will it when you see her in hospital."

"Look Anu, I don't even know what I would say - even what to call her."

"You say: Hello, Maya. How are doing?"

"And what if I forget myself and say Mere Jaan', or My Love' as I used to do? Because that's how I still think of her, even now though she's forgotten me."

At that Anu couldn't help but laugh. That genuinely puzzled him, as shown by the slight frown on his face.

"Why you laughing?"

"Because you're so focussed on silly trivialities despite the seriousness of the situation."

Although he was a little taken aback by her criticism, she continued to express her opinions. "Trust me. Mom will not be forensically examining every word you use. If you slip up by calling her by a pet name, I'm sure she'll forgive you...So...will you go see her in hospital?"

"I don't know."

"God, you're so stubborn, Shahid Uncle!"

With a wistful look in his eyes, he commented "Funny you should say that." When Anu looked puzzled, he explained. "Your mother used to say that about me all the time."

When Anu saw a smile spread across his face at the memory, she realised he had in his own mind just crossed a difficult hurdle. There was hope he would change his mind.

xxx

In the private ward he sat by the bed in which Maya lay in a drugged asleep. The nurse had informed him the medication would be wearing off very soon. He'd been waiting for half an hour, his hand on hers, contemplating the good times and the bad that they had shared. This was the most important person in his life, even though he had no pictures or mementoes of her. For her peace of mind he had either destroyed or returned all her photos, negatives included. She had lived on in his heart nevertheless. As he watched her sleeping he acquainted himself with her current appearance. The image he held in his mind was at least 20 years out of date. Despite the now short, uneven hair with flecks of grey, instead of the long black silky tresses, she was still the Maya he knew. Her hair and skin had suffered the onslaught of chemotherapy. Still, he reckoned that time had been kinder to her than him. Then again, he was almost fifteen years older than Maya. Another cause for disapproval for those who learned of their relationship.

Shahid noticed that she was beginning to stir and he felt her hand under his flex a little. Slowly her eyes opened. He waited silently. Her head moved slowly to scan her surroundings. In due course, her eyes alighted on his face. There was at first confusion and then surprise in her face. She realised he was holding her hand and looked down at it then slowly up again to study his face more intently. She did not attempt to move her hand away from his. There was a reassuring comfort in his touch. For a long time she just looked at him, thoughts churning inside her. When she eventually spoke, her voice was still hoarse with sleep.

"Shahid...You came..."

He wasn't sure how he should respond so said what came naturally to him. "Yes, Jaan...When I heard you were ill, how could I stay away..?"

"So Anu managed to track you down and told you I had cancer..."

"Yes. She's a very determined young woman."

"And an interfering busybody. She had no right to go behind my back and do what she did. She shouldn't have dragged you into this."

"Then maybe you shouldn't leave your very personal belongings lying around to be found."

She felt a surge of annoyance at the criticism. "I didn't leave - "

"- Or you should have destroyed all the mementoes - "

"- But I - " She stopped mid-sentence when she saw a grin on his face and realised he was only teasing her about the matter. In some ways he had not changed. She went quiet, lost in thought.

"Are you angry that I came?"

"I'm angry at Anu for dragging you into this - but you? No. Why should I be angry with you?"

"Because of the terrible way I treated you - way back then...I was certain you hated me for it."

She smiled and squeezed his hand. "I've never hated you, Shahid."

God, how good he felt hearing her say his name.

"You had every reason to. I can't apologise enough Maya, for what I put you through. It has tormented me for years," he added his eyes welling up and the tears beyond his control.

When she said nothing he resorted to mother tongue. "Joh sazaa deni heh, mujhe doh...mayra sar jhuka heh..."

He acted out his feelings by bending over the bed, his head down as if awaiting his execution. He would have gladly given his life if he thought it could have bought her forgiveness.

There was a prolonged silence where nothing happened or was said. He waited. When it became obvious she wasn't going to reply or take any action at all, he became curious. He began to straighten up and look up at Maya. He noticed tears squeezing out from behind closed eyes to roll down her cheeks.

"Heh," he said, instinctively reaching up and wiping her tears. She opened her eyes and looked intently at him, her face now mere inches from his. What was she to make of this impossible man?

"Punishment is one thing, but crying in front of the prisoner is deemed torture and is explicitly forbidden under the Geneva Convention," he said mimicking an officious, authoritative voice of some bureaucrat.

His comment elicited the hint of a smile from her. She was pleased that after all these years he had retained his sense of humour. That had been one of the factors that had attracted her to him in the first place.

"Let's not talk about blame and punishment. We both made mistakes. Let's just say the forces of fate were at work. Kismat ke aggay, nahin chalta zor kisi ka. Nor can we undo the past."

A wave of relief burst upon him at her magnanimity and understanding. How could he have been so wrong about her feelings?

"But I do have an important question to ask you." Apparently, she was not prepared to let him off that easily.

"Woh kia, Jaan?"

"While I'm pleased that despite your principles, you came to see me...There's one matter puzzling me...Itna dher kyon lagaadiyah?"

(The End)

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