ENTRY 1
Jacob and Bella, it is by the way. And I haven't mentioned any names through and though. š
One Shot
I never gave a shit to love, though it was pretty clear that I loved him. This peculiar feeling made way straight from my chest and spread all through my body, it was just a matter of time. Every single second that we spent together felt as though it was routine, had gotten something new altogether, every single day.
Life's irony is such that, I never really acknowledged how understanding he was! Wasn't I too good a judge of nature? And if not, I officially lose the only good title I ever fetched in all seventeen years of my life! So yeah, where were we? Him, baby! Oh, right. He could do just about everything with so much ease. He could carry a truck on his back? Yes, of course. Three maximum! *grits teeth*
So, you see, the me that resides somewhere down my throat, making way across the collarbone and somewhere around my heart gives me lots of tough time. I suggest, ignore her as you listen to my rant and rave. Oh well, yes! Nobody knows how from glum to utterly depressed to violently angry I get.
And from doing everything with ease, I did not mean he could carry trucks on his back however, he could carry me and that nearly lies into the category of trucks! He never gave me a chance to look beyond the external aspects of his nature, though we were the best of friends for three years in a row. Lastly, with ease I meant ' he could help me with calculus so easily that for days after I passed, I would worship the grounds he walked on. Genius, but did anybody ever tell him what being modest is?
He'd never thank me for helping him with English notes nor would he ever say sorry after he punched me as hard as I had him, right in the stomach! Did not I always detest being treated like a girl and crossing paths with gentlemen? I did. He'd never ask to drop me to the hostel where I lived; instead he'd push me out the door and slam it on my face. There was this day, the door hit my nose and I walked back, cussing him out too loud and simultaneously laughing contently to have spent so much great time that people on the way thought I was drunk or something.
And then, that idiot had to ring me and ask me if I hadn't gotten upset? Like, can you believe this? Anyhow, it was just him. He'd changed my cell phone's ring tone while I was in the kitchen, taking his bloody pizza out of the oven and the tune was so darn embarrassing. Some language I never heard, the tune sounded animated. I shrugged as people heard the too-loud music that played in my pocket. The phone almost jumped out of pocket, I swear. And the poor cell phone got lost the following day, so it dint have to tolerate the two of them. Only I know how uncompassionate these two were on its nerves!
Take this for an instance, such was our relationship! Grade nine had brought me my most special friend ever, who was a bigger pain in the neck than my own younger brother. So I quite knew since the very beginning that he wasn't just anybody, if he could beat my brother!
He was into giving me a most high-voltage shock, and it always felt the same. The degree of my shocks never increased because he'd help me get immune to the never ending list of traits in him that only would get longer, with every new shock that is. And well, this is why I believe him to be the reason of the long-lost stability in my life which I see running out of my sight yet again. His support to me was so mighty strong that I had gotten immune to every possible hurdle that would ever come my way.
And the best part, I never was and never will be dependent on him. New title, new title! You are the biggest liar in the world! I am of course going to be dependent on all that he taught me, how easy is to just let things be and smile and be capable enough to make your own decisions. And calculus too, your school teacher was a nightmare! Yes, and calculus!
I could bank upon him and never once these three years did I feel the need of another shoulder to cry on or just break free. He'd gotten a control over me, it was like I was caged and bound to be with him. Not that he had me purposely held, it was never anybody but him, who else was I to go to? I would still say I am not dependent on him; he's made me strong beyond imagination. It's just the lack of stability that I fear.
The feeling of being trapped crept up me once again. The baggage that I had been carrying of the melancholy just wouldn't leave me. I had no idea what this sudden outrageous act of life meant! He uplifted his hand and curled his fingers in, gesturing me to approach him. I could have won a marathon with that speed in which I ran and jumped onto him. That was one helluva bone-crushing hug he ever got. Thought, I felt I was molesting that poor fellow! What was he doing with your hair and back then? Well, never mind!
I was sitting right there, biting an apple and reading a book when I heard Warden Jones shout my name out from the office. I jumped off the bench; it was a little high for my feet to touch the ground. I made way into the office to see what the matter was when she told me a friend had left a message and was asking me to see him out the campus. I promised her I would be back before the first lecture started and rushed through the door of her office, out the campus. How irrational!
I know, but I was only being me. For a moment, I felt panicked to death and with constant deep breaths, I composed myself. And there he came running towards me, half naked, with his sipper and T-shirt held in two fists.
"Exercising in the morning," I tried to fake a smile and punched him on the chest.
"Fakester, stop!" he demanded.
"Okay, why did you call me here?" I gave up and shook my head.
"I have been called back home."
Lord, save me! I will give up all my bitchiness and sarcasm but stop this countess of melodrama from telling everybody what she felt like! I own you, bitch. He left you for good! Who's effing good? His and mine! Okay, you got me deviated, please shut up. Okay. Zipped! So, it felt like I was being asked to give up eating chocolates which meant he asked me to stop breathing!Fatso, he dint ask anything! But it felt that way! Be reasonable! I am being reasonable. That one moment is too hard to explain! Don't then. I won't, I can't.
"You have a semester left still, no?" I questioned after I don't know how long.
"I have, but I guess this is all." He said, nodding like he understood what the bitch beneath was telling him. I can't believe she broke down before I did! You said. *in your face*
"I will be completing the next semester somewhere there, I need to google for colleges still open for admission." He sighed.
"Tough?" I asked, absentmindedly.
"I guess so," he replied.
And then he left me with nothing I could take pride in. He sandwiched my hands between his and I shivered. No wonder, shivering happens in reality also, not just movies and novels. Estrogen, progesterone and adrenalin! Yeah, right. To hell with Biology ' what an awful and disgusting subject! Am not quite sure, though if you're right! What's new? Exactly that!
"I will miss you." He said, his words felt intelligibly upon my cold ears.
I was feeling the warmth of his hands for the last time. Days would pass and I wouldn't get to hear his voice even, let alone seeing him and sometime soon, I will be off to my city and once again amongst my people. The thought itself crushed something inside me and pierced several holes of various sizes through my body, I felt so weak I would have fallen on my knees but then I heard something rumble real loud in his chest. His eyes were flat, as I looked into them. Unreadable! Ironically, that was the first and who knows; the last time I could understand what he was feeling. He felt guilty.
I owed him more than that, and the realization made me shudder. I essayed to stand erect, gathering the broken pieces on the inside of me, straightening my back. She dint tell you, he'd held her hands so tight, I could feel the sweat and the hurt clinging onto her skin, eww! Ignore her; she knows I sweat too much.
"I will miss you too, bud!" I lied, in a way. The degree too which I was going to miss him was nowhere mentioned, and this was an understatement.
None of us knew for a while what to say. My hands, still securely in his and his eyes wandering everywhere but looking even anywhere close to me. The tinge of guilt that I'd seen in him first was overcome by sheer helplessness. Big fat tears welded themselves to his eyes and he pulled me into his arms like he'd never get a chance again. There wasn't even a millionth part of an inch's distance between our bodies.
My hands swiftly ran across his back and he had his hands snaked around the middle of my back. He breathed into my hair and murmured something to himself. Must have been saying your hair stinks! I did not pay heed, to what he said so ' whatever! I was preoccupied with the thoughts of parting from my only best friend! How many best friends should an average person have? I wonder! No idea. Don't you see, I had one and he was bloody leaving?
"I'll call you. As soon as I have college started." He whispered.
"Do I have a phone?" I questioned. Don't even think of that poor thing again, even finding himself in your thoughts or worse, a conversation between the two of you could possibly have depressed him for a lifetime. Okay, I will keep in mind this.
"By the time I am in college, you'd be done with high school and probably back home. I have your residential number." He reminded me, pulling me off with my shoulders.
"Right, I will wait!" I said, really not faking a smile. The idea of being back in touch was too soothing already.
"No choice!" he smirked and pulled me close.
Real close! No difference. He stared at me so intently that I had almost gotten sure it was a nightmare a dream, she means or probably I was stuck in one of the mystical novels I read! He placed his lips on my forehead and kissed it, it was the slowest thing he ever did. But the moment passed by too hastily, in the blink of an eye! He left, waving at me for as long as he could see me. He vanished of my sight much before that. He was gone.
And today, I am home! Time passes quickly, does it not? While I wait for him to call, I am still living in a world where I had a calculus teacher cum best friend cum a hefty young man who would have to carry me on his back too much a day, I would trip so much! It was a world where I had only two and a half nails not broken in my feet. Where it was just the two of us, deafening hysterics ' violent fights ' sneaking out of school and college to go watch movies and the one last meeting, which changed my whole prospective of what we were to each other. I wish I could find something to disagree with you, the melodramatic countess is so right, we love him.
ENTRY 2
A Day In My Life
He is standing just few feet away from me. Water dripping from his hair, he is, I don't know, I don't have words for how he looks. The only thing I know is I want to run to him and hug him. I never want leave him again, never give him the chance to go away and leave me alone, like he did, though it was just 1 day. Only I know how that day passed, every single minute was like a year to me.
He slightly pushed me away to look at me, "Are you crying?"
I wiped my tears, and hugged him again. He was saying something, trying to calm me down, but I wonder why I was unable to stop. I was happy that he was back, back to me, where he belonged. I was in his arms, where I belonged, then why tears, were they due to happiness, I suppose. I wiped them off, and got back. His eyes, brown like chocolate were so deep, always trying to say something.
"Are you tired?" I asked.
"Kind of, but i missed you." He said, and took me in a bear hug again, he was so hot, well in a sense he was hot in two ways. His body heat was like a heater and it was kind of comforting. And well, he was hot as in like other hot ;)
I blushed, "I missed you too." What am I doing, I need to stop blushing, what will he think, I didn't even ask him if he is hungry, or why did he leave in such a hurry, there might be a problem.
"Is everything fine?" I asked. He nodded once and went away. I stood there, waiting, he was back in ten minutes, I guess, standing there. He had changed, was he leaving again? Where was he going?
"I thought you were tired, but u seem to, are u going somewhere?" I asked, sadly, I didn't want him to leave.
"Not me, but we are going somewhere." He said bringing me back from my thoughts.
"We? Where?" I asked.
"Its a surprise," he said with a smile, "and I suppose u want to know where I was yesterday" he winked.
I smiled, of course I wanted to know. I nodded.
"Lets go then," He said.
"Ummm, its raining outside, u really think its a good idea?" I asked playfully, already knowing his answer.
"Well that makes it better" he winked again and I blushed.
"Can I at least change?" I looked down at myself. I was wearing jeans and a sweater, I wondered where we were going so I can dress up accordingly. As I was thinking all this I didn't even notice when he came close to me and held my hand in his, "You look perfect, lets go." That was all he said and picked me up like I am a baby, I held him tight and chuckled. It was still raining, all our clothes were wet now, I wondered where we are going.
"Can I know where we are going?" I asked anxiously.
"Well its a surprise, so NO." He said, grinning.
I sighed and gave up, he was not telling me so I had to wait, the only thing I knew was we were going into woods, but he was with me so I had no fear. I blushed on the thought of what might be his plan for tonight.
He stopped, I moved my eyes from him, looking in the direction he was looking, I gasped.
"Happy Birthday Bella" He whispered in my ears and let me down, I couldn't believe what I was seeing. It was a cottage, or was it a house, i was wondering when he spoke.
"For us." He smiled, I went near the cottage, it had our name, I turned with a shocked expression, "You did this?" He nodded.
"But how, you can't do this in 1 day?" I asked inquiring.
"Well not one day, its been a month now. But I wanted to gift it to you on your birthday, so had to give final touches. Well, do u like it?" He asked.
I hugged him, "I don't like it, but I love it, and I love you."
"I love you to" He answered.
"Can we go in?" I asked excitedly.
"Sure, and yes, for clothes, there are plenty in your cupboard, you can change." He said with a smile I wanted to see all the time.
"I went in and gasped again, it was our home, and it was beautiful, I looked at him again, Jacob, My Jacob.
"You did all this for me" I said with tears flowing from my eyes.
He came closer and wiped my tears "For US", he said. I hugged him, held me close to me, as tight as I can.
"I Love you Jacob." I said, still tears in my eyes.
"Love you Bells" He said.
That was the best day of my life, the day that changed everything, for me, for US. The day he proposed me, the day I said YES. The day when our souls met. Bella Black, thats what i am today, thats what I always wanted to be.
ENTRY 3
One Shot - Jacob Black on his Life
It is an ironic business now.
My house isn't red anymore, my hair is cut and has eloped west with my bands. Out of habit, my hands reach out for my hair at the back and clutch each other as if catching the air or something. My eyes have switched colors with my house's old color, rather they're scarlet.
Here I stand, leaning on the front door of my house ' why does nothing feel good? My senses are a great deal stronger now. I can hear cars roaring to life in a distance, I can hear the moaning of the fridge which is adjacent to the backyard. I can feel swords and daggers and all those in my burning chest, needles running up and down my back. It aches.
Something painful is inspecting my blood, I can feel. It is killing me, running like slow poison through and through. Adrenalin has hit the road; it is rushing through my veins more efficiently than it ever did. This isn't one but quite a few feelings. Jacob Black turns the feeling person while he was just supposed to be a kid. I get the point.
Like overloaded trucks are crushing my head again and again under them, like some sort of volcano is about to erupt on the inside, like I am going to lose myself ' that's how I feel right now. Apart from that, I feel angry.
It is quite an effort, pulling and adjusting muscles just right to have my palm out in the rain. I can't feel the droplets against my skin, it is like the moment they fall ' they evaporate. Twas really dramatic I know, but I just recently turned the feeling person. All is reasonable, and I have all life to make up for my stupidity.
I wish I dint. I wish I could saturate like my soul has, like the happy days have, and like her existence has. Bella is nowhere near me. I dun like being inhuman, being a werewolf much, I need time to get accustomed to it, and maybe ' I need her.
I have seen her breaking down in front of me. I have felt her tears against my chest. I have propelled her to open up to me. I have helped her wash dishes. I have helped her with Algebra even though I am convinced, she dint need it. I have fixed her truck for free, at the cost of my English journal. I have always loved her. We've spend sunny days in front of her house's porch, but the rains had a special ring, the best friend ring! I'm surprised; she doesn't remember any of this.
Or even if she does which I am still hopeful about ' she shall never be back. Geez, I am awful today. I was feeling, last time I checked. Right now, I am like hell ' trust me, I know what it is. Those cold stones stink you know and I have to rip a dozen apart every week. That is hell.
But you know what it is that I can't explain, can't define, or just term out? It is the knowledge of my best friend, the only girl I have ever loved being in love with a vampire. I felt like filth, she overlooked me and ran into his arms as if he had come there to kiss away her pain or something. She was bleeding then, I remember. He tolerated her blood. And I got the point, again ' they were the love birds, the 'it' thing, you know ' filthy! Edward Cullen can stand Bella Swan's blood. Bella Swan doesn't remember if Jacob Black exists.
If the Cullen's were not a goodie-two-shoes kind of coven, I would have crushed Edward between the earth and my paws and showed Bella that he doesn't own a heart to have it beating for her, and that he might never be able to give her a 'life' to live.
I don't understand why this hallucination happens. I have already had to give away too much. I dun have many clothes left to wear, not many days left before I have to join back school ' now, how am I supposed to even manage a psychologist to counsel me and fix my mind? I just forgot I have to run patrols too, every night.
Last night, I saw Bella and me in the rain ' the rain not turning vapor on reaching me. Our hands were clutched tight; she was relating to me how school was when I adjusted her position in front of me, she dint object, I was astonished but I dint stop ' I was kissing her.
When the vision became a thing of the past, I was subjected instantly to a frenzied household where my werewolf brothers, Paul and Jared were munching Doritos, literally like they'd never get to eat anything ever again. I wish I could break each of their bones into two halves but that would not have worked ' in another couple of days, they would have been sitting on the same couch, eating lord knows what and definitely feeling 'at home'.
So it is either the pack, or Leah exclusively or the forest that I spit out the bottled frustration at. Leah and I fight ugly, and in the forest ' if I had the might, I could have actually made it to pulling three more trees out their roots in the woods.
I wish I could hate Bella. I wish I could not value my life, and decide on giving up just now. But somehow, I know I love her and I know I have still some hopes with life. I know, just someday ' I might get accustomed with my reality, comfortable with the fact that she never loved me enough.
It is not that we forget what is like engraved on our heads, written all over our faces and registered in even the remotest books of our memories. They just stop bothering, sometimes. I hope, someday the rain helps me give up a little onto my baggage, that someday I accept she had really refused to let me kiss her that rainy day, that I am not ever going to have her like that filthy bloodsucking demon has.
The last time we were ultra-close, I was hopeful that that vampire lover might be part of a shut business to her now. She held my hand to her heart; I could feel it beating hard ' like it would jump out and land on my other hand. She told I was a principal reason that I could hear her heart beating, still.
Was she trying to tell me that she is alive and I have made a contribution in her living or was that a fore-warning that I should get ready to come in terms with her 'other' reasons of living, who I now know ' mean much more that I do, I ever did.
Sigh.
My bike's heaven, you know? I am racing it to hundred-ish now, its roaring bad and I can't hear my own heart's thumping. I can feel my torn-at-the-bottom tee fill in some air and the air also happens to run through my hair, this is amazing. This is soothing. I don't know where the road will take me, or I do ' from here to Forks to the beach and back home before patrolling time but the point is ' this just makes me feel human, and now that it has even started raining ' I can feel a little Jacob-like too, riding this bike. Even though, I would love rains much more in the past and it was my bicycle in place of my bike that I would ride, and my hair would dance in the air funnily ' this soothing touch is pretty much the same.
"I need sometime alone, Bella. These recollections of times we spent together are sickening. Stop haunting me. I am facing enough repercussions, go away." This rings in my head, hitting one corner and then the other, and over here I am ' at the beach, all alone ' still thinking, not soothed anymore and still as much in love, still as much changed.
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