OS: Disgust from Rudra's POV - Page 6

Originally posted by: SanayaIsBest

Very interesting
In reality Though Rudra need not ask forgiveness for his past, in his mind he is guilty for not being faithful to Paro. That really points towards how deeply he loves Paro. You brought out that disgust and anguish very well.
Lovely writing

Originally posted by: ACTywm

👏

This your first attempt and you have done a great job...now brace yourself...I am commenting so it is likely to get looonnggg...😆

Firstly I want to commend you on the concept.. I get the feeling he will be nervous and agitated, but not disgusted...But this is my opinion...one can only wait till the day arrives and then see how they both behave...he may well still feel disgusted with himself that day...

i loved your unique take on what really brings about the marriage and the inclusion of the doll...it is an important scene n I too am annoyed that the doll hasn't played a bigger role in the show...

although having mentioned this I wish to second Ipoona...one cannot expect him to hold on to that doll and wait for the girl...firstly because men generally don't believe in fairy tales and especially Rudra...

oki so concept, marriage, doll...i have covered the other thing which i loved was the last paragraph where the twist comes...up until this moment the reader has been thinking the disgust is felt towards Paaro...but then you reach the end of the paragraph n are like wait...what?! he is loathing himself...he feels inferior to Paaro?!! That is nice twist

And lastly I will second everyone hear on it being abrupt...

A friendly tip...is that after I have written it leave it for a day or two and then come back to it...re-read it with fresh eyes and end up taking a few bits out but putting in a lot more...continue writing...the words will start flowing...

Originally posted by: ...Binny...

beautifully written.. thoroughly enjoyed it.. although I hoped for a longer piece.. absolutely loved your insight into Rudra's psyche.. he felt sick because he feels unworthy of his love.. how beautifully portrayed.. he wished he had a bit of optimism in his life to await the one person that truly completed him in every way.. I could sense that bit of hesitancy and the sudden awkwardness at feeling so many new emotions I would love for you to further display his feelings in detail how he deals with loving after having overlooked his heart for so many years how important is this moment with Paro because this time it will be the meeting of mind body and soul not just a need.. looking forward to reading more of your work..!!

Originally posted by: Tennessean

Hi JJKKL- Very nicely written.

I liked this part and thanks for bringing up the doll. Please write more to the last paragraph and it is awesome for a first OS.

Originally posted by: Zeeliciousxo

Hi there 🤗

I like your OS; it is short, simple, and sweet 😊 I am in no place to give you advice on writing as I have no authority or claim to do so, but I will try to give you my humble opinion...so here goes...I do think that as a first attempt this OS was very good and it managed to capture my interest. I like how you managed to show a character like Rudra feeling disgust for something that he is truly not at fault for. Rudra is a very emotional man and it's interesting to see that he is still battling with emotions and has internal conflict even after falling in love with his soul mate. I would really love to see something like this on the show 😆

All that may have been missing in this OS was some detail. I feel that if you just give more time and effort to description it can do wonders to your writing. Although I don't post FF on this forum I do write as a hobby and I can tell you for sure that my biggest weak point in writing is description...so if you have trouble with that as well I totally understand. I'm on the same boat. 😳

But overall, this OS has been a pleasure to read! I think you should make this a two shot, or a three shot...please continue from where you've left off. 😊

Originally posted by: Chamkeeli22

Dear JJ, firstly a big 🤗 for your first OS. I rarely comment on OS posts, mostly cos I'm not the best writer to offer tips or feedback...Though, I do "like" the ones I enjoy...

But, since you asked for feedback, here's my 2 cents..

Firstly, as a reader - the OS held my attention throughout. So, you've already won half the battle. 👏👏

As a concept, I struggled with whether Rudra would feel disgusted at a pre-marital arrangement that he had with Laila. When Rudra tells Paro about Laila and their relationship - to me it seemed that he was doing so cos he wanted Paro to hear it from him. He did not feel guilty, but told it in a matter of fact manner...

But, looking deeper... this takes place a year after the wedding... Rudra has lived with Paro and there may have been some subtle Paro-made changes in Rudra, which may have contributed to the feeling of disgust?

Also, I think this reaction could be a by-product of Rudra's abandonment issues and feeling he is "never good enough" issues with play peek-a-boo quite frequently too. So, yeah, its possible to buy this with a little more detailing and convincing.

As a writer, none of my OSs have been note-worthy, so please take my below feedback as coming from a novice:

1. I was not very clear if this disgust for himself suddenly came up after a year... When you speak about what transpired in the last year, you dont refer to his feeling of disgust... Did any event happen to suddenly trigger this feeling of self-disgust for Rudra... I would like to read more about that...

2. I love your usage of short sentences... well played

3. I was not very clear on how the flashback of the last year fits into the rest of his current feelings of disgust. If it did not, then telling it as a flashback to the present didnt make sense to me

Ok, that's it... I hope I've given some constructive feedback without being too harsh... Hope you keep writing 😃

Originally posted by: serialjunkie

awesome first attempt JJ

your emotional quotient is in the right place. I am no expert but just wanted to add that use the short clipped sentences sparingly for effect, only in very intense emotional scenes. rest, enjoy writing more for yourself than to please anyone else.