I am still not able to come to terms with the fact that my beloved friend who was also a philosopher and guide in true sense is no more...
It seems like a bad dream, a scary nightmare and is extremely difficult to accept !!
We started chatting in March 2011 and after that it became an everyday ritual, within one week of knowing each other. We chatted everyday and thankfully, it was on gmail chat.. ...so everything is saved with me in form of memories to treasure for the life time.
She used to call me twinny as we simply gelled together. I used to call her 'Jess Ma' coz in our friendship, she was the one who, though, an year younger to me, was more mature, more sensible, definitely more patient, more calm, more polished and peaceful.
For every issue whether it was at job, or family, relatives or friends, even for the petty forum issues, I used to crib to her and she would say - "Relax Mani, do you need to react to everything ?"
Needless to say, she was closer to me than any of my real friends...she was second only to family for me.
I have hundreds of chats with her saved in gmail and since morning, I am reading them and can't believe that my twinny is gone forever.
Maybe I should have interacted more, learnt something more, told her that how much I love her, though we repeated our 'love yous' after every chat but one more time I wanted to say this to her that what she meant to me.
We discussed about everything, from family to work, from respective hubbys to kids, from actors to books, movies to music, school to college, Mumbai to Jaipur ( our hometowns), RBO and forum, characters of her stories and mine.
She was an amazing person who knew how to love...she was never confused about her likes and dislikes...had a very clear opinion about everything and every person ...and she had clear views about every situation. I turned to her for almost everything…….talking to her had become an addiction and she felt the same………sometimes, when I was very busy……..she would urge me to go and sleep but talking to her was one privilege that I couldn't give up easily.She was a charismatic personality.
Her love for Babu ( her son ) and Sean ( her hubby ) was unmatchable. A doting wife and mother that she was, her life revolved around Sean and Babu and the yet to be born 'Bayboo' ( a doll who was unborn and stayed with mommy...)
A loving daughter and daughter-in-law, she was the focus of her family and I still remember how she would say that their life goes haywire, if she isn't there even for a day.
She was a brilliant writer and used to write since many years...but she never felt the need to post any story anywhere. She wrote for herself and felt happy after writing. She re-read her own stories and would stay in a dreamland. She has written 7 stories and she used to send me those on e-mail to read. I remember how I was after her to post one of them at the forum, but she was not ready. I pestered her and she said she will do it on the condition that I will complete Friends Forever. She started writing Pride and Prejudice adapting it for Shanak. And after that she kept telling me how I broke the promise.
She was upset at me when I stopped posting my FFs at the forum as she thought that there are many silent readers who feel cheated when stories are left in the air. We discussed many times on this and she asked me to consider silent readers and think how I would have felt if I was following a story silently and someone stopped it in between.
She was a major driving force that made me write and post regularly. Again, She kept asking me to complete my other two FFs that I had stopped writing and she took a promise that I will complete them……..Recently, I mailed her to tell her that I have decided to complete them...never knew that she was not there to read that mail.
So genuine she was that she always talked about silent readers, other FFs which I never read and which she used to read...she used to tell me to read certain parts which were really good. She always said - "I try to learn something from everybody. So even if I don't exactly agree with a story or character, I still focus on what is the best part in that story."
She was a gem.
Once, she asked me to join AIW forum and said, "Come there if you like, won't urge you."
I told her, "You have every right to urge and I have every right to say No...I really don't have time."
She said, "Okay, don't join that forum, I'll send you everything to read here at e-mail... but still if you have time, do drop in there...other people write very well there."
Such was her level of understanding and maturity...no ego, no false show offs, no hungama and no insecurity of any kind.
She loved a lot of people at our forum...she was irritated at a lot of things too... ... but she never replied back to anyone. She never used a bad word or comment, never fought with anyone.
I used to ask her, "How can you remain so calm...always??"
She used to say, "Mani…….. patience is an art...practice it."
When I had a very small issue with Vats, Vats complained to her and then she scolded me left, right and centre for troubling a sweet and sensitive baby who makes rofling smilies...
I had to pm Vats immediately asking her to forgive me if she didn't want Jess to scold me more……
When I wrote any weird posts on IF, she would take a class of me in her own way and I used to be the one who received lectures from her, with my contribution as…… 'but Jess' ……. 'actually Jess'…… 'Okay won't do it again'……
When I behaved eccentric and then was upset at anything, she would say, "Shut your lappy and go to sleep……"
Her love was egoless, unconditional and limitless.
Sigh……….. now these chats are the only source of my connection with her.
I do not remember even a single incidence of fight or misunderstanding with her. Difference of opinion was taken as that - difference of opinion and I never had such an easy relationship with anybody ever.
She was an amazing cook with hundreds of recipes, a brilliant linguist who knew so many languages, a sensible story writer...with beautifully woven feelings and emotions. I always turned to her when I was overwhelmed with emotions of my characters and she would talk for hours telling me how to use that feeling positively to help the story ahead.
The best part of chats with her was that they were full of positivity, hope, love, life... ...no ugly gossip, no bashing of anybody and no useless irrelevant topics. Even if the topic diverted to gossip, which sometimes did, one of us would say, "Let's talk about us, our lives and our stories……….life is short, we don't have time for others."
Didn't know that it was so true.
Lately, I had started becoming busier and had a crisis at personal level, on the other hand, she was not keeping well with her health and she told me how her husband was taking care of her and she had reduced her online hours...and our timings to be online were always opposite, as we chatted late night, Indian time...so our talks reduced majorly in the month of November. We were in touch through mails and promised to chat like never before sometime soon, before she went for labour.
In November end, she didn't reply to many of my mails. I was missing her terribly and tried to get in touch with her...but to no avail. I sent across many mails in a frantic attempt to get a reply but there was none. I thought that she was upset at me for something as I was busy and she might have needed me. Though it was completely unusual of her to remain upset and not tell and unusual to not reply to mails. I felt very bad and apologized asking if she was upset or angry with me.
But when she didn't reply, I felt very hurt...I didn't know that she was battling in the hospital, with life and death at that time.
Finally, I wrote something like this in my last mail to her - "Dear Jess, I really don't know why you are not replying to me, I know that you are busy with the family, baby and your health ... but I am really hurt to not receive even a word from you. I am used to talking to you…. ...it is my last mail to you if you don't reply…….."
And got a reply that she had left us 9 days back...
Jess, You were a strong pillar when I lost my Grandmother and Mother-in-law, this year...you stayed with me in every difficult and happy time…...where do I go now ??
I really have no clue, what would I do without you…….life is incomplete without you and the void will remain forever.
I pray to God that her soul rests in peace and Sean and Sam are able to bear the loss. I remember her telling me that babu was shocked when she had a minor fall in September and everybody was worried for her health. Sean was stricter with her time spent on internet. I cannot even imagine, what they must be going through, right now.
May God be with them and give them strength and courage to face life ahead.
PS - I am sending the link of this thread and her FF thread to her family so that they all know how she was loved by so many women all over the world who have never met her and how she was appreciated and respected as a wonderful human being and was looked up as an inspiration.
Do write instances of your interactions with Jess and how she touched your life in a way that you would remember her forever !!
Mani
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Anupamaa
