Koi Kasar Na Rahe, Meri Khabar Na Rahe, Choole Mujhe Iss Kadar, Be Intehaan
Chapter 100
They had already planned out the itinerary for the day. But that meant stepping out of their room first.
"No! It's beyond embarrassing." She buried her face in her hands. "I'm not going out. They'll know we did it!"
"Zoya, you're pregnant, of course we've done it," Asad stated the obvious. When they'd tip-toed out of the bathroom, they'd blushed to see the door closed. Both knew it was Dilshad's doing.
"But this time they probably heard us!" she couldn't get over the horror.
A part of her was grateful for this though. If her biggest fear at this moment was se*xual embarrassment, then wasn't life just mashallah?
Totally MA!
Sitting cross-legged on the bed Zoya cupped her face in her hands and wondered aloud, "you're right, may be it isn't the end of the world. Who cares? We're married after all."
Asad's lips curled in devilry. An eyebrow co*cked as he asked a little too innocently, "are we?"
"MR. KHAN, I SWEAR TO GOD, I'LL KILL YOU!" She leaped up on the bed and hopped in rage, mad as a Tasmanian devil bitten by a PMSing hornet.
Asad couldn't resist this sight. He threw his head back and laughed. He hadn't laughed like this for ...?
Forever.
Hauling her off the bed, he kissed her. Hard.
Asad was replete.
He had caught up with the baby, kissed Zoya's rounding stomach at least a hundred times, and together, they'd listened to the baby's steady heartbeat"it had re-sewn their warp and weft into a firmer fabric. An equally exuberant baby had been the perfect angel by not making its mama go careening to the bathroom to hurl in a fit of morning sickness.
In fact, come to think of it, she hadn't been sick for the past few days.
Shy at first, Asad had shown her the letters he'd written to the baby every night, and Zoya had kissed his fingers through fresh tears. The letters were now safely tucked away in their drawer. She would make him read them to her and the baby tonight. Every night. In fact, Zoya loved the idea so much that she decided she'd write a journal to the baby herself.
"Chaliye," Asad ordered after pinching her butt. It broke her reverie and she squealed.
Zoya dived back in and pulled the sheet over her head; she crashed into the headboard. "No," she groaned.
Asad came to sit by her side and peeked under the sheet. "C'mon, or it'll be too late to talk to Aapi."
"Annnhhh!" but she got out and smoothed her hair in the mirror.
They breathed a sigh of relief when they saw the empty kitchen and living room. Dilshad had left a note for them on the table. "We're going to the hospital. They may let Rashid go home today."
"Cool," Zoya exclaimed. But then she made a face. "I still shouldn't go in front of him, right?"
"Let's see what the doctors say." Asad tucked in her hair behind an ear. It was pure bliss to be able to touch each other again. He couldn't resist running his hands over her body and had promised to do a leisurely inspection later on so that he could lovingly record and report the brand new changes in her body. She had missed that so much!
Asad framed her face in his hands, "before we'd, you know ... made up, it wouldn't have been good for him to see you and me look so miserable. But now, I think it may actually do him some good."
Zoya grinned up at him cheekily. "Oh, so this is a new type of therapy? Abbu'll feel instantly better knowing that we fu--"
"Zoya!" he squeaked in alarm as he covered her mouth and looked around to make sure they hadn't been overheard. "Behave!"
"Make me!" She skipped away from him.
Asad yanked her back to him. "I wish! But misbehaving Ms. Farooqui has made me too besh*aram to be any good."
"Aw, Mr. Jahanpanah Bond, as your boss, I hereby renew your license to be as besh*aram as you want."
Asad backed Zoya into the kitchen island and looked down at her, drinking her in. His thumbs stroked her cheeks. "I love you so much, Zoya. That katilana dimple makes me want to be badtameez and besha*ram with you all day and all night long. Only you. Your smiles and giggles are the bedrock of my world. Your tears crack my soul."
Zoya sniffed. "You better watch it, Mr. Khan; if you're going to flirt with me so shamelessly I'm going to be a hysterical, weepy mess! And today already promises to be the day of tears."
She went up on her toes and kissed his nose, "so that tomorrow will be all about smiles and laughter."
Asad took her hand in his and kissed it. Then they trooped up the stairs to talk to Anwar"with some stops in between for lingering kisses and hot gazes that promised lazy foreplay and sizzling ... frenzied afters.
Anwar looked at them indulgently as they facetimed with Zeenat.
He was much calmer now, thank god.
That day and the next couple of days, he had been insane with fury and hollow regret. He could only see Zoya's in-laws and father as the catalysts of her torture that day.
It brought back all those terrifying moments when both he and Zeenat had held a squawling Zoya as a baby unable to lessen her pain and grief. How do you pacify a child so torn by pain that even her screams dry up? How do you rock a child so that she remembers to breathe? How do you forgive yourself for wishing for death to ease her pain?
It had taken nearly a year for Zoya to fully recover ... to recover her laugh ... her Zoyaness. Zeenat and he had sworn then that they would always look out for her and never let anything bad happen to her ever again. Zoya's dimples had become the trophy they pledged their allegiance to every morning ... the evening star they swore by every night.
But seeing her tied and torn up, tormented, bleeding and manic that day in the factory of horrors, had made him want to claw someone's heart out and feed it to blunt-beaked buzzards. The horror of the moment when he realized that Asad's father had been responsible for that scar ... was unspeakable.
Since that day, when he looked at Asad he could only see Zoya's vicious scar ... he could only hear her screams as a child ... and her screams that day in that warehouse ...
He could only bear to look at and talk to Dilshad.
But Asad's quiet grief afterwards had washed away his rancor. And Anwar had begun to realize that just like Zoya needed him and Zeenat when she was a child in pain, she needed Asad now. Only Asad could be the salve that her bleeding, blistered soul hankered for. Like Dilshad and the others, he too prayed for and craved their reunion. They had been so happy; Zoya had been so happy.
Please, let them find their way to each other.
Months ago, he had seen Asad take such exquisite care of Zoya when they'd buried her mother. That these kids had known all the gory family secrets and kept them from everyone else was a strength they could have found only in each other.
Please let them find their way to that strength again.
"Zoyajaan! I will kheencho that choti!"
Shaking himself, Anwar wiped a tear as he now heard the familiar banter and the old playful Zoya. The voice laced with a thousand giggles was back and was backchatting Zeenat.
As usual.
If he closed his eyes they may as well have been in their brownstone in New York.
His glad heart leaped.
"Ya Allah, ye ladki!" he heard his wife exclaim.
He felt the weight of the world lift from his aching shoulders.
Anwar smiled and gripped Asad's shoulder firmly, squeezing it in solidarity and apology. Zeenat's eyes misted too as she saw Asad's smile slip. She knew that Anwar had lashed out against Asad on that day and also about how deeply he regretted it now. He had also told her about the yawning distance between Asad and Zoya.
"Zoya, be good, OK? I want you to take extra care of Asad. Lakhon mein ek hai humara damaad, samjhi tum?" She glared at Zoya who had stuck her tongue out at her Aapi and was rolling her eyes.
"Asad?" Zeenat continued now, trying hard not to weep. She would have to say it, because she knew her husband would never be able to express it. "We love you, you know that, right?"
He nodded, suddenly too emotional.
"You're like the son we never had," she continued.
"Hey, I thought I was the son you never had," Zoya interjected taking mock-offense but eyes now bright with unshed tears.
"Chup karo tum, badmash ladki!" Zeenat scolded her as Asad and Anwar smiled.
"Asad, I know aapke Jeeju ne uss din, gusse mein ... " She sniffed to control her shaking voice. "I know Anwar ne bahut kucch keh diya. We are sor"-"
"Aapi," Asad interrupted her apology. "I'm going to be a father. I think I am beginning to understand what Jeeju was going through. If that had happened to my daughter, I'd have said and done a lot worse."
Asad wrapped Zoya's hand in his as she and Zeenat both erupted in tears. Anwar held Zoya and Asad's shoulders from behind as he dropped a kiss on Zoya's head. He lifted his palms in prayer.
Shukranallah.
The hospital was the next stop. Zoya was yearning to hold Humaira. All these days of being in a fog of misery had made her blind to her sister's pain and self-isolation. She knew that her father would be a mess as well.
She had wasted so much time.
There was not a minute to be wasted any more.
But before that Asad took her to her mother's gravesite. Head covered, Zoya kneeled to kiss the stone they'd covered in a chadar.
Zoya wiped her tears and smiled. "Ammi, everything will be all right now. Thank you for looking out for me all these years. Thank you for sending Asad to nearly run me down with his car a year ago."
Asad threw his head back and groaned. Not that again!
"I did not run you down! You weren't looking. As usual." He smiled too.
She elbowed her husband sharply. "Ammi, thank you for bringing me to India and throwing me in this man's path and arms. Even though he's only my half-husband now and I'm probably living with him in sin!"
Asad rolled his eyes which had just prickled a second ago.
"OK, fine, we'll go talk to Maulvi Saheb right now!" he tugged her up by her hand.
Zoya rose and pressed her fingers to her lips before touching the sun-warmed stone again. "And Ammi, thank you for sending Dobby too. I love you."
This time when she cried in the car Zoya didn't push Asad away. She clung to him.
They bought flowers on the way. And balloons. At the hospital, first she insisted that Asad get fully checked out. He growled about the fuss but Zoya wouldn't hear a word. There were no fractures or broken ribs, thank god! But both blushed when the doctor told him no strenuous activity or heavy lifting.
Next, Zoya leaped to get to the floor that she knew Raziya was on. Humaira would be there. The balloons were for her. She saw Humaira huddled in the sculpted bucket seat. Ayaan was kneeling in front of her and pleading with her. But Humaira looked away. She wouldn't let Ayaan take her hands in his. She continued to tighten and curl up into a tiny ball of misery.
"Humaira," Zoya whispered.
Humaira looked up at her and with an anguished cry ran towards the exit by the stairs.
"Humaira, no!" Zoya ran after her too. The balloons bobbed uselessly.
Asad held her back. "Let Ayaan ..." he told her as they saw Ayaan determinedly lope after her.
Zoya nodded and braced herself for the next obstacle course. Asad placed a kiss on her shoulder and nudged her toward the door.
The hydraulic door whispered close behind her. Zoya saw her Abbu by the bed, his head in his hands in the semi-darkened room. He had probably dropped to sleep in exhaustion. A comatose Raziya was attached to machines that whooshed, beeped and clicked around her. Soon, the family would have to make the decision to pull the plug ...
Her heart wrenched. No flowers decorated the surfaces as they did in countless other hopeful hospital rooms.
She tiptoed to the table to place the bouquet of flowers. The splash of vibrant colors lit up the drab whites and greys of the room. The cellophane rustled; Siddiqui saheb stirred.
"Zoya?" He whispered in disbelief. He believed himself to be dreaming. Was it the angel of death come to take away his shattered wife?
May be it was for the best.
"Abbu!" Zoya ran to him and hugged him from the back, resting her cheek against his head.
He wept. How could she still bear to touch him or call him Abbu? How could she bear to be in the same room as Raziya?
"Shh," she came and knelt before him.
Siddiqui hid his face in his hands. "Zoya, go away beta. I don't deserve your calling me Abbu. Allah dushman ko bhi aisa Abbu na de!"
"Abbu please," she scolded him, firmly wiping her tears away. "I didn't spend all my life looking for you to have you tell me what to do and what not to do. You know by now that I do as I please!"
"I should go away as far as possible from you. I don't want to cast even a shadow on the happiness that you so richly deserve," he muttered as if talking to himself.
"Allah miyan, what's wrong with you Abbu!" she shot up, hands on her waist. "If you leave me again, I'll never forgive you!"
Siddiqui began to sob, "why have you forgiven me? I don't deserve your forgiveness, or Asad's or Rashid's!"
"Abbu, we've had this conversation before and nothing has changed. You promised that we would look ahead, and not behind us." Once again she knelt by his knee.
He raised his tired head to finally look at her; Zoya's mutinous face still showed traces of tears. But her pout and tiny frown parted the thick clouds of woe that had suffocated him all these days. Not seeing her all this time had made him shrink. She would never forgive him again; and she would have been right to do so.
He nearly smiled and raised his gnarled hand to pat her head. "I did wrong by Zainab. And you. I shouldn't be given a second chance! But I ache to hear your voice, to see your face. Tumhara chehra dekhe bina mera din nahin shuru hota. I would willingly banish myself from your life but I'm too selfish. I want to stay. I want to see you become a mother. I want to hold your child in my arms. I want to celebrate that tiny part of me that did right by having you in my life."
"Then it's settled!" Zoya kissed his hand. "You'll be my Abbu and my baby's Nanu and always be by my side."
"Nanu ...?" he said the words in wonder. But then his face twisted. "No! I don't deserve to be called that. Anwar saheb ka haq hai woh! I'd just be happy to get a glimpse of him or her from a distance."
"Abbu, again! Will you please stop being such a drama queen! This is the last time we are having this conversation. I won't hear anything more about going away or watching from a distance"my life is not doordarshan! You will be in it. You promised to change diapers! I want what we had before. I feel greedy. I want all my family around me. I want you to read me and my baby, bedtime stories! My baby deserves to have two Nanus!"
Nanu? Bedtime stories? Diapers? Tiny feet and tinier hands ...
He glowed.
Siddiqui didn't mind being scolded at all or being called a drama queen, whatever that was. He felt like he was the child here and she his mother. And it was right. That's exactly what his mother would have said too.
Shaking himself out of the overstuffed chair, he stood to hug her; he sensed a new life course through him. Siddiqui felt hopeful and alive again, he was a child, eager to get the day started.
When Asad walked in a minute later, he smiled to see yet another doubter being forcibly reanimated after express orders to DNR (Do Not Resuscitate)! His wife was a miracle-worker, of that he'd never had any doubt.
But her services were needed elsewhere too.
"Zoya," he said softly. "Humaira's back."
Zoya wiped her eyes and sniffed hard. More tears and sniffles were waiting for her. But so was a life finally free from secrets and lies. And she really was feeling greedy. And impatient. She wanted their old life again. She would snatch her happiness and her familiy's from the toothless jaws of fossilized pain and grief. That had been her silent pledge to herself at the dargah this morning. She turned to leave but Siddiqui stopped her. Reverently, he touched her arm where her scar was. He ran his fingers over her arm and raised it to pepper tiny kisses over her sleeve, "kitna dard hua hoga, meri bachchi! If I had known, I'd have never ever"-Ya Allah, mujhe maaf kar dena!"
"Abbu!" She couldn't stop the tears now.
"I'm sorry for giving you so much pain. I should have been there to protect you. What a terrible father I am!" Siddiqui hugged her to him and they cried in each other's arms.
He'd caught up with her in the stairwell as she fled from the 4th to the 3rd floor. Grabbing her from the back Ayaan pushed Humaira against the cool wall. Pigeons cooed on the ledge of the open grill.
"Humaira, I've given you enough time. You're not pushing me away any more!" he hissed.
She turned her face away. Like her sister, she too had gone numb and mute since that miserable day. Every waking moment since then, Humaira wished she could have taken Zoya's place that day. She'd gladly have taken the blows ... she'd have taken the roasting alive ... the scarring. Anything, but to be what she was ... the daughter of a vicious woman who had killed and maimed ... She wanted to rip her skin off her bones, to be bloodless, to not have her parents' tainted DNA.
Aapi's screams had echoed inside her head for days ... they had bashed and bounced against her eyeballs and eardrums but still she could see ... still she could hear. How? Why?
Her mother lay here dying. In a coma. Humiara wanted her to be dead. As dead as Aapi's Ammi. She'd trade her for Aapi's Ammi. Humaira hadn't been inside the hospital room. She knew if she stepped inside she'd rip off the tubes and needles from her mother's repulsive body. She knew she would tear out her mother's womb with her bare hands and immolate it, and herself"the fouled fruit of her looms.
They had kept her under observation for 72 hours because she'd tried to hurt herself. At home, Humaira had gone into her mother's medicine cabinet and downed all her meds in some diabolical infliction of poetic justice. Too bad her mother was unconscious because Humaira wanted her to see how much she hated herself, her body, everything that her mother had worked hard to protect and preserve. In the emergency room they had made her retch her guts out"Humaira was disappointed that she didn't see her mangled heart and other organs ejected out of her body.
Sitting outside her mother's room every day, Humaira imagined throwing herself before trucks and trains, off roofs and ravines. She could stare at hours at a knife blade or razor. She smiled at visions of dousing herself with kerosene and slow-dancing with flames in a lover's lurid embrace as her mother looked on.
Ayaan had stood by her side whenever he could get away from his father's bedside or his mother's knee. And Humaira dreamed of hanging herself from a ceiling fan, or slitting her wrist and draping her arm over a white bathtub ... drink some phenyl may be. Rashid Phupha's heart attacks were also her doing. Her mother's, technically, but hadn't her mother really done all this for her? Humaira, after all, was the deity at whose idolatrous altar her mother had offered human sacrifices ...
Aapi had disappeared.
She hadn't seen her or Jeeju for days. And Humaira had lost that last iota of faith in her deliverance. She had started crying on the seventh day. And she couldn't stop.
"Humaira! Listen to me!" Ayaan shook her now. "I will not let you walk away from us!"
"NO!" she screamed at him. The pigeons flapped away in alarm.
"Go away, Ayaan! There is no us' anymore! Don't you get it?"
"Yes, there is. There'll always be an us' and I'm not going any where!" He let go of her arms.
She was talking and she had a lot to say. He knew she wouldn't run away; she was raring to talk now. And that was good. For too long he'd seen her quiet as a mummy"wrapped in shrouds of doom. She hadn't responded to overtures from Nuzzhat or Nikhat, or even Omar. And Ayaan didn't have the guts to approach Bhai or Mona darling. They were in their own circle of hell.
"Why? Why won't you go away?" Humaira croaked. Her voice still wobbled. "So that there's even more damage my mother can do to your family? What if I become her? What if I kill people who make me insecure and burn babies?!"
Ayaan laughed. He couldn't help it. She whacked him across the head and he stumbled. "Humaira, you could never do that, no matter how hard you tried! It's funny because I can't even imagine you doing anything like that!"
"How do you know? What if tomorrow I get jealous of Aapi's baby and do something to it?"
"Yeah, right," he kidded. "I can just imagine the bloodbath because Bhai will kill you! Give it up babes, I know, you won't. You can't!"
"Ayaan, stop this. I can't be with you. I just can't. Not after what my mother did to your Abbu, and Jeeju and everybody. And Aapi! Oh my god, what she did to Aapi! I wish she had set fire to me!" Humaira turned away from him. "Please, just leave me alone."
"I've left you alone long enough. You nearly killed me by trying to hurt yourself. Thank god, Nuzzhat found you! Abbu's a lot better now and we're taking him home today. So be prepared to see a lot more of me. I don't care if you have me reported for stalking."
He saw her shaking her head and get ready to speak up. "Nope, it's just not negotiable, babe."
"Ayaan!" she stomped her foot in frustration and turned to leave.
He hauled her to him. He'd given her enough notice. No way was she going to play the same beaten record. He was done. He crowded her into the corner and dipped his head to shut her up. She struggled against the kiss that she had craved so badly. She used her fists to pummel him. But soon her hands clung to his jacket. She had tried to punish herself before by practicing some Ayaan-fasting, but he never let her self-imposed celibacy get too entrenched. That was her problem since fourth grade: she could never resist his rakish charm. Never.
That she was still a virgin was not because of her choice, or morals; it was because he had applied the brakes of self-restraint for both of them.
Ayaan was at breaking point too. Just once he wanted to lose control with her so that he could wipe away her misery and make her go crazy in his arms. "I love you," he said when they came up for air. "If we were somewhere more private I would have made love to you right now."
She gasped; his eyes blazed. Color was returning to her cheeks and sparkle to her eyes.
"That is how serious I am about being with you. Forever. And that is why I'm not letting you go anywhere." He kissed her more gently this time and felt her tears on his cheeks.
"Ayaan, I'm so sorry for what my mother did!" She wept, finally letting go of her heartache.
"But you aren't your mother!"Ayaan insisted. "Our parents' wrongs aren't ours," he said through soft kisses. "We have to believe that, or we'd just be miserable for the rest of our lives. I think Bhai and Zoya have shown us that our generation can be smarter and kinder if we believe in the power of love. I guess if there's love, then the forgiveness comes automatically. Is that too corny?" He ruffled his hair in embarrassment.
She smiled slightly. "For you, yes!"
"I mean, may be your dad and ... mine, didn't stand up for love. They gave in to fear or something. But I can't imagine Bhai without Zoya ... or me without you. No way in hell is anyone coming along to separate us. Not even you!"
She grinned, after what felt like ages.
"So you'll believe in the power of love with me?"
Humaira's gaze lowered and her smiled quivered. "I'm scared," she said finally.
"Well, may be the power of se*x can sweeten the deal?"
"Ayaan!"
"I'll take that as a yes!" He ground into her and she blushed. "And Humaira?" She looked up at him. "I'm done waiting for you to test your independence and spread your wings. We're getting married as soon as possible, and that's final! No ifs, ands or buts, OK?"
She nodded before burying her face in his shoulder.
He took her hand in his and pulled her up the stairs. "Ready to talk to Mona darling?"
Humaira took a deep breath. Her eyes prickled. "May be it's time now. I want so badly to hug her, but how can I face her?"
"By letting her hug you, hold you. By facing the past and then letting it stay in the past."
Humaira squared her shoulders.
"Najma?" Asad spoke softly over the phone. "Bring Dadi and the girls to the 4th floor. No, just you four. I'm waiting."
While waiting for Zoya, Asad had paced outside, and come to a grim decision. Her words from this morning had tumbled in his head all day long in a washer's spin cycle: "Tomorrow our daughters could be at this crossroad. Would you be able to stop that?"
His own words rose up like curling smoke: "If that had been my daughter I'd have said and done a lot worse."
At that time he had been distracted by his own demons and Zoya's spiraling distress. But now those words rattled around in his head, restless and tireless.
Daughters?
He couldn't get Najma or Nikhat's faces out of his mind either. Or Omar's or Feroze's. Yes, he had made his mind up. Enough was enough. Once Ayaan brought Humaira back, they would sit the girls and Dadi down and answer the questions that buzzed in their anxious minds.
When the girls came up, with Zoya and Humaira ensconced inside with Siddiqui saheb, Asad cleared his throat.
"Dadi, you may know a little bit about this but I think it's time that you all knew what happened at the factory that day ... and eighteen years ago."
Ayaan covered his face. He had wondered whether to tell their sisters. A part of him wanted to stop Bhaijaan. They didn't need to know. How would they look at Humaira? Would they hate her? Omar and Feroze would know too. Wouldn't they regret marrying into this godawful family of freaks?
Asad read Ayaan's mind. There was no need for any P-language any more. Straight talk was what they really needed. Hiding the truth all these years had wrecked their families, and as clichd as it sounded, truth was to only way to set them all free.
He told them. Everything.
But he told them his reason for telling them, first. "I've been wrong trying to protect you all from this. I was playing god with your lives, controlling what you knew or didn't. You should know as members of this family. This is your history too."
Asad could see the impatience and fear on their faces. They dreaded his coming words wondering why it needed such an ominous preface.
Asad told them about what happened eighteen years ago: A woman who had come from America with her three-year old dimpled daughter. A murder, a conspiracy, a reluctant arsonist, a fire ... and a cruel scar ...
In painstaking detail, he recounted their parents' blood-soaked, ash-clogged history ...
"That young girl was Zoya." Asad uttered finally as he crossed his sore arms across his chest. His arms and chest still hurt, but thank god not as much as they had these past few days.
Dadi sobbed into her dupatta. Yes, she had known and even lived through a part of this story. But Rashid's acts had hurt Zoya?
The girls wept quietly.
They knew it had to be bad. But this was so much worse. It was so easy to imagine culprits being strangers. But what did you do when they were your own blood?
"A scar? Zoya?" Najma couldn't process it. Ayaan nodded shamefully. He had seen how deep and long that scar was; he had seen how steep and wrong her terror was.
His sisters' questions spurted with growing horror: "She knew all this? When? Bhaijaan, how long have you known this?"
Asad nodded. "Some of it we knew before the wedding. The rest we found out ... when we were away on our honeymoon." He was done sugarcoating the truth.
Nikhat and Najma pressed their hands to their ears trying to block their Bhaijaan's words out. What had he and Zoya been through when they first found out? How did they go on? And yet they had forgiven Mumani? Humaira's Abbu? Their own Abbu? How had Zoya loved them all even after knowing this?
Nuzzhat sat frozen in self-loathing. They had lived cushy, ignorant lives. Arrogant lives, while"-
"But there's another reason why you must know everything." Asad continued, "because, eighteen years later ..." He wiped his brow with stiff fingers. "Eighteen years later Zoya and I tried to keep these details from ever leaking out. We thought if we kept a lid on this, everyone would be protected, everything would be OK. But Tanveer had other plans. That day she put up a grand show to connect all the dots; we couldn't do a thing. Abbu ... collapsed when he found out about Zoya ... and that he was responsible for her scar."
Ayaan had been pacing behind him through the retelling. He pulled his hair now. He wished he could have turned time that day. If only they could have done things differently, if only Rakesh's team had gotten there on time, as planned ... if only ...
But Asad was still not done. This part was the hardest; they all needed to know of this too. He couldn't help but relive the awful moments when he had seen Zoya fracture again ... and again"he had seen it on the train on their honeymoon, during her recurring nightmares ...
Then it had been because of their father and Raziya Siddiqui.
But that day in the factory ... and then back at home ... another trauma had sliced and minced her. The doctors had shaken their heads and murmured of the lingering effects of PTSD. They had talked of aggressive medications, but Zoya was pregnant.
Asad felt angry for her. On her behalf. Jeeju's helpless words pierced his conscience: "cowards ... monsters," he had called them all.
At the dargah this morning Asad had finally understood. Perhaps he now understood the root of Zoya's earlier anguish: She had easily forgiven her mother's murder, the exile from her father, her scarring even. She had finally healed and even married the man who was the son of the scar-giver. But Tanveer's scratching off the scabs of the past topped by the forcible "talaaqs," had seared a fresh new scar on Zoya's psyche: the unwitting father had given her the scar on her arm, the unwilling son ... on her entire being.
It had imploded her.
You couldn't see the shards and torn flesh this time, but they were there. He had seen them this morning. This morning as he had held her through her breakdown and free fall into the abyss, he had panicked seeing Zoya struggle like an asthmatic to draw breath. She had told him too of her new nightmares and he had fallen apart. Her fears were justified; her trauma, inexcusable. She hadn't said it, but he knew now: with his third "talaaq," their child would be condemned to the same history as its parents: fatherless"living at the cusp of legitimacy and despairing hope, robbed of bedtime stories, annual and sports days ... Yes, their child would have angry birthdays, hollow milestones and a mess of grief.
No, he was not done. They needed to hear it; he needed to say it.
"I want you all to listen really carefully," Asad emphasized each word. The girls went silent and breathless. "That day Tanveer threatened to kill Zoya and ... and the baby. She forced me to say talaaq'!" His voice had dropped to a harsh whisper. It was hard to control his own emotions because it all came flooding back. The girls strained to hear his words. They gasped at that word and looked at each other in horror and confusion.
Were Bhai and Bhabhi divorced now?
"No, we aren't, thank god!" Asad exhaled loudly. "All these years I was angry at Abbu for leaving Ammi. I had tunnel vision. I only saw her daily struggles to raise me and Najma. But that day I could have been that man. My child could have hated me ... for more than half their life." His voice cracked.
He wanted to rage and pace, but he controlled himself. "That word can be used by us too easily ... but its savagery cuts women more deeply."
Asad's mouth twisted. "That word ... its fallout ... lasts for generations." He struggled to go on. "That's why you have to make yourselves stronger. If it means working, being financially independent, whatever you have to do, do it. Do not ... don't rely on a man, however good, to take care of you. Don't let that word or even its shadow break you."
"Asad!" Badi bi nearly collapsed with the weight of his words ... their bitter implications.
"Bhaijaan!" It wasn't just the girls who cried out in horror but Ayaan too.
"I mean it," Asad said, scrubbing the tears off his face. "I love Zoya. But even I had to say it ... It nearly killed us."
He would have walked away swaddled in his own self-persecution. But his sisters threw themselves at him to hold him and wrap him in their perfumed empathy. Ayaan too flung himself at the sibling huddle to enfold all of them in his embrace. Their collective warmth slowly wicked away the chill.
They sobbed.
When Zoya came out and saw them crying, her feet skidded to a halt in fear. Her wet eyes met Asad's and a cold hand crept to her heart. "Abbu?" she asked fearfully. "Oh my god!
The girls saw her then. And they pounced on her. Cries of "Zoya!" and "Zoya Bhabhi!" nearly staggered her as they encircled her in a group hug.
"No, Abbu's OK!" Asad told her hurriedly.
And a smile broke out on his face. It drove away his grief. Even now she worried for his father. Asad peered at her. She looked exhausted. Zoya swayed from the day's emotional and physical onslaught and he leaped to hold her. Gently, he extracted her from his sisters' clinging arms and hugged her. Without a backward glance, Asad led her away to the stairwell.
The pigeons had returned. They cooed watching another pair of lovebirds. These two didn't fight; they sighed into one another. He sat down on a step and pulled her in his lap. Zoya burrowed in his chest whispering, I love you. Asad dropped a kiss on her head. No sooner had she tucked her head under his chin and she was fast asleep. She had pretended sleeping all these days; now she really slept. His cheek against her hair, Asad dozed too.
"Humaira? I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, baby." Zoya had whispered when Ayaan pushed her into Raziya's room and closed the door after him. Siddiqui had covered his mouth to hide his trembling lips. He understood Humaira's grief but had felt powerless to do much about it. Her suicide attempt had made him want to kill himself too. They had continued to wallow in their personal bubbles of hell not able to do anything for each other.
Humaira had burst into fresh tears at Zoya's words. "Stop it, Aapi! Don't call me baby, or treat me so nicely. I don't deserve it. Everything terrible that's happened to you was because of me!" she fell to the floor at Zoya's feet.
"Shh," Zoya stooped to sit by her and hold her. Humaira had continued to weep.
"How can you bear to look at us?" Humaira gasped. "How can you even be in the same room as HER?!" She had flung her arm out in revulsion and pointed to her half-dead mother.
"Because I love you, and that trumps everything else. Why would I only cry for what I lost? I want to cherish what I've found." Zoya stated simply.
"But Ammi? What she did, was unforgivable!"
Zoya smiled and took Humaira's hand to rest it on her lightly swelling stomach. "Your Ammi saved my baby. Tanveer would have shot me and Mr. Khan, but your mother took a bullet for us."
"But she killed your"" She saw Zoya's eyes fill and could have killed herself for it.
"She killed Tanveer. And that's what matters more to me right now."
"But Aapi ... all this would have never happened had she not ..." She was wracked by sobs again and couldn't go on.
"She may have started all this. But she also ended it. Humaira," Zoya sighed. "I know you feel guilty and responsible for all this somehow. But it really had nothing to do with you. You were an infant and I was a toddler. What did we know? But we know better now. Can't we make sure that the next generation grows happy and knows the love of aunts and uncles and grandparents and cousins?"
Humaira bowed her head. "Ye"s," she whispered.
"So you promise to change diapers?" Zoya teased.
Humaira giggled through her tears. "Promise!"
"Even the extra smelly ones?"
"Specially those." Humaira vowed fervently.
"Zoya, come to bed babe," Asad texted her for the third time that night.
In a burst of grateful high jinks the celebrating siblings and spouses had gathered at the Khan house for dinner, movies, makeovers and sleepovers. The men however had soon tired of the manic fun, noisy chatter and staying up late that the girls seemed to love and thrive in. Ayaan was snoring on the couch. Feroze had gone to bed, alone, and Omar had dragged a somewhat-reluctant Najma away.
"Hmmphh! I am enjoying my time with the girls as a semi-single woman. I'm going to watch Desi Boyz' and check out what all the fuss with Magic Mike' was about! And we're having mocktail Cosmos, so forget about it Mr. Khan!" Zoya responded.
Asad groaned and punched the pillow. What the hell were Desi boys and Magic Mike? Asad powered up his laptop.
Five minutes later, he yelped. Male strippers!
He fumed; he prowled; he went on a scavenger hunt.
When Zoya saw the next text her eyes bugged and she had to cover her mouth to repress a thrilled squeal: "Wouldn't you rather see the Magic Jahanpanah and your desi boyz ka live show?" it asked.
The attached photo made her choke on her virgin Cosmo and gave her some very unvirgin tingles and flushes. She mock-yawned, stretched and pushed herself off the couch. "Guys, I'm dead on my feet. I'm off to bed, nightie-night!"
"Spoilsport!" But they mostly ignored her. Too much eye candy on the screen.
Zoya tried not to run into the waiting arms of her magic Jahanpanah who had made such a glorious effort to market his competing services"he wore only the blackest sunglasses paired with a matching half-loosened necktie.
And nothing else.
The fading bruises across his chest may have been the lashes scored by an adoring dominatrix ... His sculpted six packs glistened.
Her mouth watered.
Feathered handcuffs were gripped between his teeth and a furry cat was held just strategically enough to not leave her guessing ...
It couldn't be. No way.
Dobby could not be winking.
Mmm Mr. Khan, the sinful Ms. Farooqui is going to get very lucky tonight.
Booty call, start your engines, here I come.
Zoya skipped into the semi-darkened candlelit room and latched the door behind her. Wow, being a newly half-single girl about town did have some fun perks.
She'd decide after tonight's one-night-stand if she'd keep her Jahanpanah with benefits, or enter a no-strings-attached relationship with a certain Akdu Ahmed Khan in apartment 3B. And if that didn't work out, there was always that incredibly foolish "main-voh-actually" Rumi-reciting and dangerously-driving sweetheart in 2C. And when not on a mission ... the super-se*xy secret agent, Jahanpanah Bond in 4A would do just as well.
Yum, she was going to have her hands full"-
She remembered his words and blushed: "Tonight Mrs. Khan, you're going to be full of me!"
Yup! She was going to have her hands full juggling 50 shades of Khan.
Bring it, Mr. Khan.
When the soft strains of "Beintehaan" started up, she groaned in anticipation. Wow, he'd even accessorized with the feather boa that she'd used on him in one of her Hawa Hawaii seduction routines.
Ooh la la! Bijli giraney, main hoon aayi.
Correction, bijli girane main hoon aaya ...
Dobby had been discarded for the guitar because all of a sudden her Akdu was feeling shy. She plucked the guitar from him and stood back hugging it.
He blushed.
"Makhmali raat ki ho na subah ..." played on.
... Do bekhabar, bhige badan
Ho besabar, bhige badan
... Le rahe raat bhar angdayiyaan"
She swayed to the music and blushed at its sultry promise.
Song in Title:
Race 2 (2013): "Be Intehaan"
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