~For my soul sister Tanya~
You might as well live!
I walked out of my bathroom. I was in my same old night dress, my hair wet from the shower and I was sure my eyes were red and puffy. I walked toward my bed and switched off the night lamp, sleep was far from me tonight, in fact every night, so I let the old memories come back and haunt me and I cried silently in despair, cried for my ill fate. It had become a sort of routine- wake up, cry, go to work, come back home, eat and then cry myself to sleep. One would think I should be immune to the pain in my heart that all the crying caused me but I was not.
I don't understand, I was never this weak then why now? I never let anyone control me instead it was always me who had control over my life then how can I let it slip from my fingers? Why I did I let the people around me make judgments for me? How did I become so vulnerable and weak that others got the power to break my heart, to shatter me beyond repair, to break my trust? The deep excruciating pain in my heart was worse, so much worse that it had become unbearable. There were times when I would spend hours with the bottle of pills in my hands, contemplating suicide. I was not one of those who took the easy way out of all situations but times likes this made me think that suicide really was the only solution to all my problems, the only way to end my miseries for once and for all, the only possible way to end my grief and agony. No one would be bothered about Zoya. No one would care whether she lived or died. My mother for one would be dancing on my grave, the child who was nothing but a mistake, a nuisance and an obstacle that held her back from her career was now dead. No more will she have to fake concern for me, she'll be free, I'll be free.
My father would be happy to know one of his responsibilities was finally off his shoulders. My sister wouldn't have cared less whether I lived or died. My ex-husband would be gratified to know he wouldn't have to pay the alimony. Not that he was ever going to pay but he did have a little fear in his heart that I might go to the police. Of course he didn't know I would've never done that. I was tired and all my energy had drained out. He had ripped out my soul and trampled upon it, damaging it in the process and there was nothing left for me to fight for. Everything inside me was empty and I had no reason left to fight. Who would I fight for? For me? What difference would it make if I fight? My life isn't going to get any better is it?
My thoughts went back to the days of torture I endured and I could feel it again the sharp pain course through my entire body as if my heart was being stabbed with a pointed dagger and ripped right out of my chest. Being a masochist that I am, I replayed the scene over and over again in my head till I could see the events unfold in front of my eyes, till I could hear my own screams in my ears, till I could hear the laughter of the various people laughing at me, laughing at my failure. My past replayed in front of me torturing me to the point that I couldn't take it anymore and I broke down. Loud sobs raked through my body increasing the pain in my chest. I stood and opened the drawer on the table next to the bed. The butterfly knife lay there in the drawer shouting at me 'this is the solution.' I kept the knife in the pocket of my tracks, grabbed my keys and walked out of the house. I sat in my car and drove off toward a place which gave me immense peace and tranquility during times such as this.
It was a garden, a small garden with a purplish foliage of an enormous smoke-tree near the entrance. Of course the entrance was locked and I had to jump over the fence. It was a private garden and belonged to a man whose house was not very far away. I had mastered the art of trespassing into the garden which was of course forbidden for outsiders. I held absolutely no respect for the sign outside which said in block letters 'outsiders will be prosecuted'. The thing I liked about the garden was it's serenity and absolute beauty. A small water feature which provided a constant soothing murmur was flowing in a corner of the garden. The stone arches along a cleverly placed planting beds and crooks in the garden path. There were Boston ivy and many other vines crawling up strategically placed wires so that they don't come in the path. There was also a tiered fountain in the center of the garden. The entire scenario was awe striking and breath-taking. The person who designed the garden had a good eye for architecture and landscaping. Various different types of flowers make the place smell like a bouquet of flowers. The fragrance soothed and calmed my nerves all the time. I quietly made my way toward my usual spot. I walked further inside toward a large swing with vines creeping on it's side making it look like a Victorian style swing. I sat down on the swing and pushed my leg on the ground making the swing to move in a gentle slow motion. The area was hidden with three huge and tall evergreen bushes and even vines crawling on the walls giving the area privacy. I took out the knife from my pocket and clutching it tightly in my hands I let the tears flow down my cheeks again. "This was it" I thought and placed the sharp edge of the knife over my wrist. I was just a second away from slitting my wrist when I heard a velvety, manly voice from behind me.
"You know you aren't allowed here." His voice was not harsh but polite. I looked behind to see a man's pitiful face but was surprised to see there was no hint of pity in his eyes; his eyes were soft as if he knew I wouldn't like it if someone took pity on me.
"Yeah, well even you aren't." I replied back a little harshly and stared at the knife again.
I heard his footsteps coming closer and then he sat down beside me on the swing.
"Hmm, you are right so that makes us equal doesn't it?" he replied. I chose to ignore him, I didn't have the power or energy to give back a sassy reply. I just wanted to be left alone while I die not a peaceful but a painful death. He gently placed his hand over the one which held the knife and lowered it. I looked back at him, a soft smile was playing on his perfect full lips.
"Nothing in this world is worth your life." He said and pried my fingers off the deadly weapon. The knife fell on the ground and I looked at it. It was not screaming at me anymore, it was just an inanimate and useless object which a few minutes back held the potential to kill me. And then I remembered the reason for coming here with it. I snapped my eyes back to him and gave him an angry glare.
"You don't know a thing about me ok and you certainly don't have the right to make decisions for me." I yelled at him. Why was everyone hell bent on governing my life? Why couldn't I make decisions myself? I was not going to let anyone rule over me and certainly not a stranger.
"I'm not! I'm just trying to make you see that life is full of sobs and sniffles and smiles with sniffles predominating." He said quoting the words of my favorite story 'The gift of the magi'.
"-that doesn't mean you lose hope. I know you may have your very own reasons for taking such a huge step but let me tell you, no reason can be strong enough to justify this action."He said pointing at the knife lying at my feat. He was right but I didn't want to believe him. I wanted to end this agony, the pain was too much for me to bear.
"It's easy for people to talk. Try living my life for one day and you'll see exactly why I chose to do that." I replied, my eyes were brimming with tears.
"My sister is dying of cancer, my parents were killed in a plane crash and my wife left me for a jerk but I'm still alive you know." He held his hands up.
"I'm sorry for your loss but-"
"Why do you want to die?" his question took me off guard. I looked down at the ground below me; the tears had long back stopped flowing. After a few minutes of silence I heard his voice again,
"Razors pain you,
Rivers are damp,
Acids stain you,
And drugs cause cramp,
Guns aren't lawful,
Nooses give,
Gas smells awful,
You might as well live." He whispered the lines of a poem by Dorothy Parker. With that he walked away from there, leaving me all alone, leaving the final decision in my hands because after all it was my life.
oOo
"Zoya? Zoya are you ready? Geez how much time do women take to get ready? We are getting late for our anniversary party." Asad shouted out for Zoya. It was their first wedding anniversary and they had held a small party.
That night Zoya had taken the decision to live her life, no matter how bad it was. The next day she tried to search for the man who had practically saved her life, she even tried to ask the people in the neighbourhood but it was a little difficult since she hadn't even bothered to ask the stranger's name. A few days went by and she had given up her search. One night she decided to go back to the garden at her usual spot, she was on the swing letting the light breeze wash over her face when she heard the same velvety voice from behind her.
"Do you think I should put up a bigger board outside to stop trespassers?" he chuckled.
They talked the entire night, Zoya realized the garden belonged to him. His name was Asad and he was a landscaper, it was him who had designed the garden and was surprised to hear that the garden was his solace as well. She couldn't thank him enough for stopping her from taking her life and all he'd said was after so many people had gone far away from him, he was glad he could save at least one life. Since then the garden became the spot where they met every day and this time Zoya didn't have to trespass. Their friendship had grown into a much stronger and more beautiful bond and after a month they decided to get married. They realized they couldn't stay away from each other and Asad had played a huge role in pulling the old bubbly, joyful Zoya out of the abyss that she was in. She was no longer the sulky Zoya who had endured many hardships in life, she now oozed of exuberance just like her husband who loved her the way she deserved. Their life together of course wasn't all sunshine and rainbows, they fought on many occasions but at the end of the day they always made up at the same garden which brought them together. Zoya still couldn't thank him enough for giving her the kind of life she desired. Asad held a very special place in her heart, a place of the man she loved irrevocably and also of the angel who saved her life and gave her a meaning, a reason to fight and help her pick up the broken pieces of her life. Zoya in turn gave him something he had always craved for- a family. They hadn't had children of their own yet and he was happy to wait. Zoya's past although didn't affect her anymore, it still scared her at times thinking she'll lose the person she loves yet again.
Zoya walked down the stairs in her beautiful red saree. She was wearing a diamond bracelet and her wedding ring but her most prized ornament was her dazzling smile. Asad's heart swelled at the sight of the woman he loved and he held his hand out to her. She took his hand in his and together they walked out toward their garden where the party was held.
"You look absolutely breath-taking Mrs Khan." He murmured in her ears.
"You don't look half bad yourself Mr Khan." She chuckled. The sound of her laughter was enough to light up his world and he nuzzled her neck.
The party was going on in full swing and Asad somehow managed to steal Zoya away to their spot. Zoya looked at the place and her mind went back to the night which changed her life. Asad took her hand and made her sit on the swing. He then went behind and gently pushed the swing.
"I'm so glad you decided to come here that night. He said.
"I'm glad I decided to come here too." She smiled in satisfaction and let the tranquility she always wanted to sink in.
XXX
THE END
And they lived happily ever after... 😆
Today is my soul sister my bhena's birthday and this OS is her birthday present. Tanya Happy birth wala day. My baby has grown so big and I feel like a proud mama. You wanted an emotional OS but with a happy ending and this initially wasnt going to have any happy ending but I tweaked it a bit. I hope you like this gift bhena.
Please please please leave your comments everyone! And dont forget to wish my bhena.
@Tanya -" I love you my soul sister! 🤗
Love,
Sadie! 😃
PS - I f**kING HATE THESE STUPIF QUESTION MARKS IN THE FORMATTING ERROR! allah miyan india forum whats wrong with you?
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