AsYa FF - Devotion [Updated Chapter 4B/p24](24/08) - Page 4

***

CHAPTER III: Decisions

'Love is a springtime plant that perfumes everything with its hope,

Even the ruins to which it clings.'

- Gustave Flaubert

It smelt like rain; the sky had dampened into a fair grey, which suited Zoya's mood perfectly at that moment. It was later that morning, after Dilshaad had left for lunch at her friend's house, Zoya sat in the alfresco with her third mug of coffee as she replayed the morning's conversation over and over in her head. The memory was crystal clear and repeated itself on an eternal loop.

For some reason, Phuppi's words were forged into her mind and no matter what she did she just couldn't shake it off. 'Mrs Zoya Asad Khan' The name overwhelmed her; it made her anxious, but at the same time caused an assured sense of peace in her heart. Zoya didn't quite know what she was feeling; there were no words to express the confusion she felt, for it was intermingled with so much doubt, so much hope and such longing.

Initially, she chalked it up to stress. The last few weeks were finally catching up to her, she felt exhausted. So much had happened in the span of two weeks; she barely got her head around one problem that another storm had emerged. Her life had infringed upon a zeugmatic interlude; she silently waged war and peace with her nocturnal companion, as he restlessly paced the hallways at night and she tossed and turned in bed. Eventually she would go on and join him, with a coffee mug in her hand and a weak joke to address the tension between them. It had become routine now. In the darkness of the night, he would scowl, she would laugh and sometimes they would share secrets before they had to go back to fighting their respective fears, but they both knew that they weren't fighting alone anymore.

After months of trying, Zoya had finally managed to break through Asad's barriers, just as he'd overcome her walls, but there was a restive ache that continued to devour their souls. There was hardly any relief in routine, no matter how hard they pretended and she had to watch as they became strangers in the daylight, sporadically sharing a menu and a life. But that was hardly her concern.

Considering that she was surrounded by broken families, her own dysfunctional one included, Zoya was amazingly positive about falling in love and getting married. She was a true romantic at heart and believed that love could warm the frostiest heart; it could overcome the steepest mountains and mend the most shattered souls, which was what made her consider marriage.

Marriage was about the union of two souls, was it not? It was about intrinsically binding oneself to another in faith, hope and for new beginnings. And perhaps, that's what she was indeed looking for. Maybe, that was the answer to all her problems, Zoya thought tiredly. Sometimes she felt trapped in time, she couldn't move forward into her future without understanding her past, but her elusive past was too painful, too bitter - it would be like opening Pandora's Box, and Zoya was much too afraid of the chaos it would unleash.

Her life had enough chaos as it was. Mr Asad Ahmed Khan being the headline act. It seemed that they were destined to be met by head on collisions, Zoya almost laughed at the thought. It was true. How many times had fate brought them together? How many times had they crashed into each other without even knowing the other person? And even after moving into their house, they were constantly running into each other, rather she was falling over all the time and somehow, he was always there to catch her.

Maybe that's why she depended on him so much. Yes, he was chaotic, he was too much to handle, but she has a strange sort of emotional attachment to him, that often left her drained but had the ability to empower her as well. They were odd like that. Their relationship was fundamentally formed on contradictions, their polarities. He was capable of hurting her more than anyone else, but he was also the only person able to ease all her pain away. Similarly, she was the only person who could aggravate him to the point of insanity, but she was also the only person able to calm him down when he was possessed by his rage.

Sometimes they didn't even need words; she could read his silences as easily as he read her eyes. No, they didn't need words between them to understand what the other person was feeling. They yelled at each other, constantly pushed and pulled at this never-ending emotional tug-of-war between them, they tested each other's limits and kept going until one of them shattered. But at the end of the day, they always sought each other out to piece themselves back together.

It was all coming together for her now. They were more alike than she had thought. They had their own small families that meant the world to them, but still they were both alone. Zoya shook her head slightly. No, she corrected herself, they were not alone. There was a difference between being alone and being lonely.

Being alone only categorised as having some solitude. It was just some desired space apart from others to think or to dream before company was welcomed back in and there was a smile back on the face. It was a choice.

Being lonely, however, categorised as having more than enough solitude. There was so much that it was too much. There was so much that it hurt. After a while, company was nowhere to be seen and there was no sign of a smile on the face. It was not choice.

Not everyone understood their situation though, but only because they didn't let them. Between them, they had an entire arsenal or methods to deceive others. They faked smiles to make others happy. She made loud, boisterous jokes to make other's laugh because sometimes their laughter made her forget her own pain. He fretted about invisible dust, like it was the biggest problem in his life so that his mother and his sister were never made aware of the extent of his repressed agony.

Asad and Zoya were alike in their loneliness, together in their anguish, embittered by their circumstances.

Brushing away the tears on her cheeks, Zoya felt livid at herself. This was so unbecoming of her. She was never one to cry over her losses. It wouldn't do her any good. For twenty years she had been enslaved by her inner demons. Twenty years of having nobody to share her pain with. But what if she didn't want to be lonely anymore? Zoya longed for companionship, for understanding. She wanted to be there for someone, just as she needed someone to be there for her unconditionally. She needed to be needed.

Closing her eyes, she thought of the man who had made her feel so wanted, feel so needed, who relied on her for support.

"Mrs Zoya Asad Khan," she tried for herself and felt a sliver of pleasure crawl down her spine. She nodded to herself thoughtfully. Phuppi was right; it did have a nice ring to it.

Perhaps she was being slightly selfish. She didn't even know if Asad would accept her or not, she didn't even know what he wanted, but there was a part of her that knew that he would never refuse her. He wasn't like everyone else, he wouldn't turn her away.

But was she making the right decision? She didn't know, she had always been spontaneous, but this was a whole new level of irrationality.

"Allah Miyah, please lend me strength. Tell me what to do," She prayed silently, gazing heavenward and to her amazement, the dark storm clouds that had been brewing suddenly cleared up and the sun peeked out for the first time in over a week.

She felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of her chest. It was like the world was calling out to her, showing her the way. As if everything was going to be alright and she had made the right choice. It felt like Allah had approved of her decision, as if he had sent her a sign that this was the right thing to do.

And that was enough for her.

***

Zoya didn't waste any time trying to come up with a gentle, delicate approach to informing her family. There was no use; they were going to be shocked anyway after what she had to say. She pulled her IPad out and Skyped her brother-in-law.

"Zoya!" Anwar greeted her happily and then she could hear a loud scuffle in the background before her Aapi had pushed her away to the front of the screen.

Zoya didn't waste any time with pleasantries either.

"Aapi, Jeeju what would you say if I wanted to get married to Asad?" Zoya told them frankly.

"WHAT?" Zeenat and Anwar exclaimed together. They looked at each other in shock before turning back to face Zoya.

Perhaps they hadn't heard her right, Zoya thought. "I said, what would you say if I wanted to marry Asad?" She repeated, a bit louder and slower this time to make sure they understood what she was saying.

"We heard you the first time!" Zeenat said, still awestruck. What on Earth was this girl saying? What was wrong with her?

"Asad? As in Asad Ahmed Khan? The same Asad Ahmed Khan you've been whining about for the last six months." Anwar looked at her in disbelief. He could hardly believe his own ears. As far as he knew, Asad and Zoya were enemies, or at least that's what Zoya had made it sound like.

"Do I know any other Asad, Jeeju?" Zoya asked patiently. She knew they were going to be surprised that she had decided to get married when she had been vehemently opposed to the idea for many years, not because she didn't wish to be in such a relationship, but because she wanted to do it for all the right reasons.

"I can't believe this! I thought you said you hated each other." Zeenat was flabbergasted. Something had to be wrong with her. Perhaps she was possessed.

"That was ages ago and we don't hate each other. We just don't agree on anything, but that's the exciting thing. We'll never be boring," Zoya smiled brightly. There were much more positives to their match, then there were negative and she knew her Aapi and Jeeju realised that. They had to.

"So you love him now?" Anwar demanded, slightly bewildered by the sudden change of events. Their little Zoya was so grown up that she was fixing her own wedding, she hadn't even thought to ask them beforehand. It wasn't like they would have stopped her and he wasn't really angry at her, but he couldn't bear the thought of losing her to someone so soon. They had raised her from when she was very little and Zoya was everything to them. How would he let her go?

"Love is a strong word, but I do know I care about him," She answered sincerely.

"Are you sure Zoya? Marriage isn't some sort of game. It's a lifelong commitment." Zeenat emphasised. Zoya needed to be sure that she was doing the right thing. From their side, they had no qualms for they could not have wished for a better man than Asad. He was an honourable, handsome young man who was well-established and came from a good family. It was just Zoya she was concerned about; the girl was too impulsive and fickle-minded. She came up with all sorts of weird plans all the time, but this time she needed to be sure because marriage was no child's play.

"Aapi, you don't understand. I might not love him, but I respect him. I think that we can make each other happy. And Aapi, I've fallen in love with his family. Phuppi's like my mother and Najmah's become my little sister. I don't think I can bear to be separated from them anymore," Zoya confessed and she knew it had been the right thing to say as soon as she had said it. She watched as the tension left them and as they broke into smiles, finally understanding her sincerity.

"Oh Zoya, we're so happy for you!" Zeenat cried tears of joy. Her little girl was getting married. She couldn't be happier. She turned to see her husband wiping away his own tears.

"We'll speak to Dilshaad Phuppi about this tonight," Anwar smiled at Zoya. They had a wedding to plan now and he was going to make sure that it would be the best wedding ever!

"No!" Zoya said quickly and when they looked at her in slight suspicion, she explained sheepishly. "I mean, first I have to get Mr Khan to agree."

"WHAT?"

***

And there was no time like the present. Within the same hour, Zoya found herself standing in front of the head office of the Khan Corporation. The tall, imposing ziggurat was just like its owner, handsome and daunting.

She was familiar with the place, she had been here twice before and so she unceremoniously rode the lift to the twentieth floor, where she knew Asad's office was. And what a marvellous office it was too. He was an architect after all and he had an amazing eye for detail. His office was furnished lavishly with classy interiors and artistic finishes. Go figure, even his secretary was beautiful. The last few times, she had been here his secretary had always been missing, likely running some inane errand and so Zoya had simply barged into Asad's office without having to explain herself to anyone. For some unknown reason, she felt as if she had that right, but today there was no way out of it as the young pretty woman at the desk looked up at her expectantly.

"I want to see Mr Khan." Zoya told her simply. Normally she was a lot friendlier, but her stomach was in knots with nervousness and besides the secretary didn't look like she really wanted to engage in small talk anyway.

"Sure, could I please get a name for the appointment?"

"Zoya Farooqui."

The girl pulled out a diary and flipped through the pages quickly; she checked her computer and then answered. "Okay, the earliest available time I have is four PM on the fifth of May."

"That's three months away." Zoya deadpanned.

"I know." She said without looking up from her file.

"I need to see him now. Tell him Zoya's here to see him, he'll let me through." Zoya said confidently.

"I'm afraid I can't do that Ma'am. Sir has an important meeting soon. He won't be seeing anyone at the moment." The girl replied snootily, not even sounding apologetic and that's what really set Zoya off.

"Do you even know who I am? I'm his girlfriend, and this is urgent. We're having a crisis here and if you don't let me through then I'll make sure Asad fires you," Zoya threatened and then immediately felt really guilty when the girl looked panicked. But sure enough, it worked like a charm as the girl was instantly on the phone.

***

"Mr Khan, you have a Miss Zoya Farooqui waiting to see you. Shall I send her in?" Lima sounded anxious on the phone and Asad assumed that Zoya must have already created some sort of trouble, although what Zoya was doing in his office in the first place was beyond him.

"If you must," He groaned. What havoc had she wreaked now? This was not the right time to deal with her, but he knew that if he refused to see her, she would find a way to see him anyway. He might as well do this as quietly as possible. His Swedish clients would have to wait.

The door knob turned and Zoya entered his office, looking mighty pleased with herself. He assumed she must have bullied her way into his office, because Lima would never let anyone see him without an appointment unless it was his mother or one of his siblings.

"You've followed me to my office as well! Look, I need you to leave. You cause catastrophe wherever you go, and I have a really important meeting in half an hour. So if you please," He was trying to be as calm as possible, but he didn't want to deal with her now. He couldn't handle any distractions and with her being here, there was no way he'd be able to concentrate on his work.

"Allah Miyah what's wrong with you? Did you let me in, just so you could personally kick me out? Anyhow, this won't take too long. I have a proposition for you," Zoya said and then hastily added, "Sort of like a business deal." There, that was sure to catch his attention.

"Excuse me?" He was momentarily confused. He really didn't have time for whatever harebrained scheme she had developed now to save her most recent charity case.

"I've been thinking...I mean I just want to ask if you would...Allah Miyah, how do girls do this. What I mean to say actually, Mr Khan...I think you should...I mean will you'"Zoya rambled nervously, stuttering and stammering like a shy school girl speaking to her first crush.

"I don't have time for this, Miss Farooqui. I'll speak with you at home. Now if you please, "He repeated impatiently, vaguely gesturing at his door, the other hand pressed at his temples as if his head was throbbing.

"Will you please marry me?" she blurted out bravely. She had her eyes shut tight, expecting him to start screaming at her any moment, but it never came.

He stopped in his tracks, frozen. From her, he had come to expect the unexpected, but even then, that had to be more absurd than words could express. Did she just ask him...no, that couldn't be right! He spun around to face her.

"I beg your pardon?" Confused, face contorted in doubt, Asad stared at Zoya. He clearly must have heard wrong, because what he thought he had just heard her say - well it was quite impossible.

"I need you to marry me so that I'm granted at least temporary residency to look for my father." She explained. Okay, so she wasn't being completely honest with him, but how could she just say that she had suddenly realised that she couldn't imagine a future without him in it. That was just too strange for words and she was sure that she would scare him off, if she even ventured that way.

Silence reigned supreme. She had half expected him to start his spiel on her shamelessness for even suggesting such an inappropriate arrangement, but Asad seemed to be in shock as he gaped at her, his eyes wide and jaw hanging.

He composed himself quickly though as he pondered her proposition. "And what's in it for me?" He humoured her, because as improper as this was, he knew it would also be fascinating to hear her trying to justify what she had just said.

Zoya rolled her eyes. Asad was a cunning businessman through and through. He wouldn't approve this agreement without weighing his potential profit. "You get a wife who your mother and sister happen to adore." That was simple enough, he couldn't really rebut that.

"I could get any woman I want, so why on Earth would I want to marry you?" Asad demanded, his arms crossed across his chest and an eyebrow raised as he questioned her motives. He still couldn't tell if she was joking around with him or if she was actually being serious. This was just so sudden and unexpected, coming from her at least. He didn't mean to belittle her, but he needed answers and she would keep evading until he put her in her place.

"Because it saves you the trouble of actually looking for one and two because you're family loves me! And you couldn't care less who you married, as long as Phuppi and Najmah are happy." Zoya justified, shrugging nonchalantly, but she knew that Asad could tell she was being serious now since she had taken the bait and actually tried to defend her decision, rather than taking the easy way out.

She knew him only too well, which was a frightening thought in itself. She knew he wasn't keen on getting married and would only do it for his mother's sake and for his sister's happiness, but of course that was common knowledge. Asad groaned. He couldn't believe this was happening. Was she delusional or something? Or had she actually lost it this time? Maybe she walked into a pole on the way here, sustained a head injury and was suffering from some sort of mental imbalance?

"You can't just walk into my office and ask me to marry you! You must be joking! You're insane." Asad ranted, losing his cool and composed demeanour. To be fair though, no one would be able to digest such an unorthodox, unexpected proposal with grace.

"I know, otherwise I wouldn't be here proposing to you of all people, now would I?" Zoya snapped , finally losing her temper. First he doubted her sincerity, now he was questioning her sanity. Who did this man think he was?

"Is this about this morning?" He asked her harshly. "Aren't you being a little hasty? I mean, you're literally using me!" Asad exclaimed angrily. She wanted to marry him so she was granted temporary residency? It just didn't sit well with him, and it didn't sound like her at all.

"Don't be so dramatic Mr Khan! I'm not doing this just so I can stay in India longer. I want to marry you because I've finally found myself a family and I can't bear to be without one again. Phuppi and Najmah mean everything to me now and I don't want to go back to New York. I want to live with them, because I love them like my own and the only way I can stay forever is if I marry you." She yelled, her eyes welling up with tears. How dare he accuse her of using him? The nerve of the man. Once again, she wasn't telling him the entire truth because the residency thing had nothing to do with her desire to marry him, and while Phuppi and Najmah were a huge factor in her decision, it wasn't the underlying premise.

"No you don't. Don't force yourself into anything you don't want to do. I've told you before, you're welcome to stay with us as long as you like." Asad tried to sway her without being hurtful. He didn't know what had prompted this sudden decision, but he knew that Zoya was already tormented by too many wounds, to add further rejection to her list.

His tone was gentle, almost as if he was trying to console her, as if he was sympathising with her, but that only served to fuel her fury. She didn't need his sympathy.

"But under what right? What relation do I quote when people will ask how I'm related to you? How will I label our relationship?" She knew she was being selfish now. She should have thought this through better, she shouldn't have been so impulsive in her approach. Maybe it would have been best to let Aapi and Jeeju handle it, but she had thought that wouldn't have been right either. Zoya needed to know that Asad accepted her on his own free will and not under any external pressure.

"Since when do you care about what people have to say about you?" Now Asad was getting frustrated. Why didn't she understand that a relationship between them wasn't plausible? Why wasn't she seeing reason?

They could go on like this forever, constantly attacking and defending tirelessly, but Zoya knew that they were going to end up at square one at the end. She felt disheartened by his vehement attempts to dissuade her. Had she been wrong about him? Didn't he even care about her at all? Why was he pushing her away?

And it was her disgruntlement that prompted her to come clean.

"Look, I know I'm not exactly marriage material." She said sadly. "I'm everything you don't want. I'm messy, and loud and rebellious, but I'I need you Mr Khan. I feel like I'm running out of time. I don't have the courage left to fight alone."

Asad turned away because his heart reeled at the sight of her tears. She had never looked so lost or helpless and he had never heard her degrade herself like that. He wanted to put her out of her misery, he really did, but how could he tell her that she wasn't the problem in this situation? How could he tell her it was better if she didn't get involved with a man like him? Hadn't she seen what he was capable of? After everything that had happened, why did she still want to be with him?

Asad sank into his chair, his face in his hands. In the short time that he had known her, he had already hurt her enough. Whether it be taunting her about her parents, or driving her out of his house time and time again or raising his hand against her. He couldn't marry her for her own good. What did he have to offer her, except pain and suffering?

Realising how torn he was, Zoya suddenly felt awful for putting him on the spot. His inner turmoil was evident, but she wondered what could possibly have him so conflicted. She understood it wasn't simply a matter of saying yes or no, but surely arriving at such a decision wouldn't cause immense emotional havoc to Asad. Then it occurred to her, that he wasn't outright opposed to marrying her. Not once had he refused to marry her, instead he kept diverting the issue to back to her, trying to get her to change her mind rather than being upfront about his own feelings. But he didn't have to say anything, his silence spoke volumes. Silence and rejection were not coterminous, neither was it deterministic and so she mercilessly attacked at his Achilles' heel, anything to make him face his reality.

"I know what you're doing and why you're doing it, Mr Khan." She said softly. When he didn't look up at her, she continued. "You're pushing me away because you think you're like your father. You think you're going to hurt me just by being who you are, but why can't you see that you're the only person who could ever make me happy Mr Khan? You can only make me happy because you're the only person who can ever truly understand me. We're both lonely, nobody else really understands us, but us. We don't love each other, but we do trust each other and isn't that enough?"

She had hit the nail on the mark, and he tiredly closed his eyes in acquiescence. Yes, she was right. He was afraid of commitment, he was afraid of hurting the people closest to him, he was afraid of becoming his father, hence why he had determinedly strived to push her away. He had always felt an urgent need to quell his growing attraction to her. Since the very first time he had seen her on that fateful afternoon at the Dargaah, he had been fascinated by her. Her tears overwhelmed him, after all grief was an immurement of its own accord and that day, he had seen himself in her. She would never know that when she had gotten up and left, he closed his eyes and prayed for her. A stranger, with whom he had no relation, had made such an impression on him that he had wished for her well-being, an end to her problems and the last of her tears.

He didn't believe in destiny, but perhaps it was imminent that the first time he had glimpsed upon her, she had been a runaway bride looking for solace at the Dargaah. In the months that followed, in between all the drama that had ensued, they had established a unique rapport that was unconditional and omniscient. And Asad knew that if anyone could ever understand him, it would be Zoya because she was a victim of the same injustice. They might not be bound by love, but he could see that they had a distinct connection and despite them not getting along for the most part, they were united when it counted.

He considered her other reasons and they were just as valid. How could he deprive her of the family that she so desperately wanted? She loved Ammi and Najmah and they loved her; he couldn't be the one to tear them apart. He would never be able to forgive himself; and yes, he didn't trust himself, but she was right - he did trust her. He couldn't take a chance on love, but he could take a chance on her.

Asad groaned. Allah, that girl should have been a lawyer.

He was just about to speak when Zoya suddenly sprung out of her chair. Her face was like an open book and he could read the hurt, the embarrassment plainly. She was crushed and she was running out of patience. She was fuming and even more beautiful.

"You know what Mr Khan? It's fine. Let's forget this last half hour has ever happened. Let's go back to pretending we have nothing to do with each other."

She had had enough. Feeling humiliated, Zoya was ready to leave. She had more self-respect than to beg for him. If he didn't want her, then so be it. She would spare him the horror of her presence, when he evidently despised it so much, seeing as he could not even face her when they were discussing such an important matter. But she supposed that it hardly had any significance to him, even though it had taken a lot of courage for her to come here today and face him with her proposal.

Almost on the verge of tears, angry, Zoya was already half-way across the room when suddenly she was stopped by his voice.

"How are we going to tell Ammi?"

Frozen, slack jawed in surprise, Zoya spun around to face him. Had he just - Allah Miyah, he was smirking at her! She gaped at him until she realised that he had actually said what she had thought he said. Her face erupted in a luminous smile at the insinuation of his words and Zoya barely restrained herself from throwing her arms around Asad in her excitement.

"Leave that one to me! Just trust me Asad." For months now, she had been saying his name in her head, trying to muster up the courage to initiate a first name familiarity between them and now considering, that he had agreed to the wedding, she supposed that it would be an opportune moment to emphasise her desire to be on a first name basis with him. After all, she would be Mrs Khan after they got married, it just wouldn't be right if she still called him Mr Khan.

She watched him carefully, wondering how he'd react. To her surprise, he didn't look annoyed or bothered by it. He did acknowledge it though, with a gentle nod and she felt dazed for a second. This man, this incredible man before her was going to be her husband. She was blessed to have him for he was noble at heart, he was her companion and he would be for all of eternity, as long as they lived.

"I'll see you at home Zoya," Asad dismissed her softly and this time she didn't argue. They exchanged a long meaningful glance, her eyes glistening with unshed tears of happiness and his hands trembling as he only began to fathom the gravity of their resolution. He had accepted her, and he would live up to his word. He would marry her with all his dignity and give her, her rightful honour and place in his home, in society. He would be by her side, forever and always.

Watching her leave from behind the glass wall of his office, Asad could see Zoya beaming. He almost smiled, it was endearing to see her so enthralled, and she looked like a child leaving a lolly shop with her bag full of goodies. She was irradiating joy and he thought that was more beautiful than anything else.

His silent appreciation was short lived though as Zoya bumped into an exquisite crystal vase on her way out of the office. As it shattered on the gleaming porcelain with a resounding crash, Asad buried his face in his palms and wondered, just what exactly had he gotten himself into.

Previous Chapter - Chapter II: Despair

Next Chapter - Chapter IV: Dilemma (Part A)