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Originally posted by: lighteningbuzz
Kaheela,
Okay, coming from personal experience I totally agree with your post about the media projecting certain things especially to the youth and making it seem like its totally okay without showing the "hard" reality of consequences. I remember, one one of my cuzin's daughter who is only 12 years old after watching the movie Hum Tum stated that Saif Ali Khan didn't realize he loved Rani Mukherji until after they slept together in the movie. So, she was like "is that thing they do what love is? so my mommy and daddy say they love each other they probably do that too!"
You can imagine the terror look on my face! I was horrified. This is one example where I know how media can get to the mind of the youth especially those who haven't experienced life enough or its realities and television is their only mode to life.
Second of all, I personally don't believe in premartial sex either. I was raised in the U.S. and I've lived in London too so, like so many youngsters here I know how the culture here is like. But, I don't think that where you live should define what your personal values and morals are. Just because you live in an environment/culture that promotes premartial sex, or live-in relationships doesn't mean you need to think its okay. I don't believe the environment, the media, or your friends should define your moral values because that just means that you aren't strong enough to stand on your own principles.
Also, another point I want to make is that I don't believe lust and love are the same thing and I don't believe that getting all-the way physical with someone before marriage means you love them. Love is an entirely different concept than lust. Love has more depth to it then just physicality, it deals with how much emotionally involved you are with someone, how well you understand and respect each other. Sex doesn't define love. Becuz, sex also happens among animals, among people who favor one-night stands, prostitutes, etc. etc. So, all these people define love?? Lust, is when you want to get physical with someone and you lust for their body becuz, how they look but, not from who they are in the inside.
I do agree that attraction is the initial stage of love but, still it is not what defines love. You can be attracted to someone but, still not be in love with them. There good-looking people you might come across that you get attracted to and yet you don't even know them. For this reason, I don't believe in love at first sight, I can't imagine just looking at a guy in the first meeting and fall in love with him! I mean I need to be able to know him how he is personally, what his beliefs are, what his personality is like. What if he is the most cutest guy ever and yet inside he may be a abusive jerk who wants to just sleep around with women?
Love is something far more deep. I knew a British married couple (in their thirties) in London where a wife got in an accident which damaged certain parts in her body and due to her medical condition she found it hard to get physical with her husband......I am not going to get into too many details but, lets just say that their physical married life suffered. They had their share of troubles and it was to that stage where the husband eventually wanted to get out of the relationship and he was dating another woman. They did separate for some time and somewhere down the road he realized that he could never find that same understanding from another woman like he did with his wife, he couldn't never find that emotional satisfaction or love for another woman as he had with his wife. So, they eventually got back together and its been like 13 years and they are still together. I remember her telling me that though they don't have a great sexual life like other normal couples but, yet they are happy as they find other things to cherish with one another like playing board games, cuddling up and watching movies, debating about things, playing sports, going out. Cuz, if you love someone then the only thing that matters is that you are with each other, how well you understand each other and nothing else.
I still look to them as inspiration though I know their marriage hasn't been perfect but, yet the way they are so happy and how it was their love for each other that their relationship was able to survive. Their example shows me that love is something beyond just what is sexual. Having said this, I think that when you get physical with someone, you give a part of your soul and dignity to that person. So, if you truly respect each other and love each other truly you two should have the capability to wait until you are in a acknowleged sacred bond like marriage. If you claim to love someone but, yet can't wait to get in bed with them before marriage then I guess your relationship has more emphasis on the physical element. If you think that without getting in bed with someone you can't have a relationship then you need to redefine what love/relationship means to you.
Such is in the case of couples who have a lifelong happy marriages and others whose marriage fails to survive even a few years. In the case of these couples, its how much they understand each other throughout the years even when they're old, their love still has that spark that many youngsters of today fail to have. Have you noticed that in the earlier generations, marriages were more successful and I've seen many elderly people more passionately in love with their spouse even after all these years. And today's generations consists of too much breakups, divorce rates going up, abortions, in the midst of all that striving culture of premarital sex, live-in relationships. etc.
Once again, I want to say Kaheela, Great post! I love your honesty and how you have the integrity to stand up for your principles. And NO! You are not old-fashioned at all. And becuz of this, my respect for you has increased immensely.
Payal , brilliantly said and you said it all sis👏, take a bow my friend👏👏👏..i totally agree with you, there is more to love then the physical attraction, its beyond that , its much more deeper, as attraction will fade away in time, and will fly away once what made you get attracted to a person changes! like he/she becomes more heavier or older or..etc..but true love will grow with time, when you love someone truly you will cherish the changes in him and embrace him no matter what
when you love someone truly, you care about him and about his well being, you try to be there for him, his happiness and sadness matters to you! and you try to understand him, and trust and respect him, life won't be all roses there will be misunderstandings, disputes and there will be heartaches from time to time, after all we are human only, so nothing is perfect, but still somehow people who are truly in love manage to face its ups and down and it makes their bond grow stronger..they manage to survive it all, because they do care for each other and have this need be with each other for the rest of their lives
@bold, wow!! she actually said that!!..well this is what happens when kids are exposed to twisted things glorified by media and projected in a beautiful way that makes it appealing to them although they are beyond their comprehends, i read once a shocking news about a 12 years old American boy who impregnated a 14 years girl!..and he become a dad at 13!
here comes to role of the parents to explain to their kids and to condemn such behaviors and talk about them as they are not acceptable and that not what they see is true, and in the end of the day it all comes down to ones upbringing, believes and culture!
i was really moved by the example you gave about that British couple! the man first backed off because he thought he cant live without having a normal sexual life but then he realized that she is more important , she matters to him more then his own normal desires and he embraced her , and i applaud him👏..there are not many like him in our world..
however, i believe that the physical attraction is very important in a relationship, and leading a healthy sexual life after marriage is equally important for a successful marriage, not only for starting a family and having kids, but also for fulfilling the basic human desires that everyone has for intimacy, its important for a marriage to survive especially for couples who are still young and have sexual drives, this is how we human were created and this is the reality.. however the degree of its importance differs from a married couple to another!
some times ago i heard a debate between my mom and aunties( btw i have allot of them mashaAllah😆) they were discussing about this same issue, like the British couple my mom said she read about a man who become disabled from waist and below in his honeymoon when he had an accident, but his wife stayed with him although he cant sleep with her, and they were in their twenties at the time, and after ten years or so, she got pregnant from him by following a very difficult medical procedure and finally she got seceded in having a test tube baby..
the debate was about was it right from the mans side to let his wife stay with him although he cant be a normal husband her?! there were some pro him and some against
don't get me wrong but i personally find that very selfish of him, she was in her twenties and living with him like they are brothers and sisters, while she acted in selfless manner!
same applies to the British couple that you have mentioned, don't get me wrong i am not being judgmental but i feel its very selfish from her side to accept to be with him knowing that she cant give him a family or fulfill his basic needs
i don't know what future brings, but if God forbid i was in a similar situations and if i cant give my husband what he needs, i will let him go i wont be selfish and stop him from living a normal life and starting a family, even if it will break my heart even if he was the love of my life, i will let him go cause i cant be selfish..
thanks sweet sis it was pleasure reading your reply and the respect is mutual 🤗
Edited by ka7eela - 14 years ago
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