Chapter 6
RK stared at his glass, shaken by the events of the past 24 hours. It was as if somebody had woken him after a deep slumber, and the awake reality was a rude painful shock. Now that he had started thinking about Madhu...his Madhu...he couldn't stop any more. Despite being drunk, RK felt as if he was thinking more clearly than he had in several months. Perhaps it was the fact that his insecurities were not clouding his judgment any more, now that he had recovered everything he had lost. But at what cost? He thought his life had hit rock bottom when he was paralyzed, socially outcast in his industry and almost bankrupted. But the truth was, he never felt this lost even then. Today, he felt like he had no idea what his life meant, what he actually wanted and what he should be doing next, or why. And he knew the reason. His Madhu was no longer there in his life, and without her, it was like his life meant nothing at all.
RK looked at his reflection in the glass.."How did I get here? When did this happen?" but the reflection didn't reply. It was almost funny, RK thought, that he had no idea why his life had turned out the way it had, almost as if everything had happened to someone else, in a movie. He had lost Madhu, but he actually did not know truly when or why. It was like Madhu had disappeared soundlessly.
"No, that wasn't true. Madhu did not disappear. You drove her away!" The reflection was actually talking back to RK, startling him. Events from the past few months came back to RK, in jumbled order. Madhu being adored by fans, hailed as a bigger superstar than RK. Dipali telling RK Madhu had abandoned him and gone to Hollywood because she thought he was a loser. RK reading the diary and feeling like he wasn't all alone. Ria...Ria seducing him, encouraging him, making him feel good about himself. Madhu's face in the farmhouse where RK was kissing Ria. Ria telling RK her sad story, after which RK had let her live with him permanently at the farmhouse. The first time RK had willingly slept with Ria, the guilt afterward, Ria telling him it wasn't worth it. Madhu crying over their lost child. RK almost slapping Madhu. Bittuji resigning. Dipali trying to convince RK to take her in the new movie instead of the fake Ria who had faked a false story to get close to him. Producers guild publicly apologizing to RK.
It was all a mess. A lot had happened. And RK had lived through it all in what now felt like a blind daze. RK thought about Ria. Madhu had questioned him point blank about his relationship with Ria, and he had walked out on her, in anger. How could she not trust him! At that time, there really wasn't anything going on. He was just being a friend to Ria. Yes, he was spending time with her to avoid seeing Madhu, but he wasn't really cheating on Madhu. At that time. Because he was, in fact, kissing Ria the same night, when Madhu had walked in - RK remembered. What he couldn't remember though, was why? Surely he didn't love Ria then. But did he love Ria now? Not really, no...she didn't mean...anything?
The thought surprised RK a little. He had never thought about this before, but now that he did, he realized Ria actually did not mean anything to him. She was just there to fill a void, to take his mind off things, to make him escape the reality where he had to face what he was facing today...the realization that he had broken the heart of the only girl he had ever loved. The realization that even if he hadn't intended to cheat on her, he in fact had. The imagination of what Madhu would have gone through, that night, walking on him at the firehouse kissing another girl - the same girl he had been lying to Madhu over - that imagination sent shudders through RK. He knows what he would have done had he walked in on Madhu kissing another man. He would have definitely killed the man, and possibly Madhu too. What had Madhu done? She loved him with the same, if not more passion, as how he had loved Madhu - this much he was sure about. So what had she done? Why had she not yelled and beaten up RK? Why had she...
And then it hit RK, as he suddenly stood up...blood in his eyes.."Instead of killing me for being a bas***d, had she...had she killed herself instead?"
"You took away my sister's life..."
"No, that's not possible!" RK consoled himself, but the fear had already gripped his heart. "If anything happened to Madhu, I wouldn't be alive.."
RK finished his drink and tried to rationalise. Surely, if something had happened to Madhu, he would have known. It had been six months, for heavens' sake! And besides, all the staff knew Madhu had left for US. Even if it wasn't US and someplace else, someone would have to tell them for them to know. No, his heart was still beating, which meant, Madhu was still there some where.
He just had to find her, and then, and then he would spend the rest of his life making up for his sins, mending her heart and winning her back.
RK stopped himself from imagining any other possibilities, any other way this could go, the likely reality that Madhu - wherever she was, hated him now and had moved on in her life without him. Most consciously, RK stopped himself from dwelling on the fear that had gripped his heart, the fear of having permanently irretrievably lost Madhu. He just had to act now, RK thought as he hailed a cab back to his farmhouse. First of which was to remove Ria from her life. It may not be her fault, and it may be that RK was just using her, but either way her role in RK's life was over, because as long as she was around, Madhu couldn't come back.
CID
