3rd December 2013
DREAMS, MEMORIES AND BROKEN HEARTS
Lost
That's what I felt when I had to leave
Broken
That's what I felt when I saw him walking out the door
Pain
It coursed through me when he believed my lie
Dead
That's what I felt when he took away a part of my soul with him
His trust, his friendship and his heart, all of it was left shattered, ruthlessly smashed on the ground by me.
But he wasn't the only one who's heart was breaking that fateful night, the one night I wish I could erase from my existence, the one night that scarred my conscience and was a constant reminder of everything I had lost. The broken shards of his heart, pierced mine like a dagger, leaving me reeling from a blow I was yet to recover from.
Today it felt as if all that pain, all those emotions washed over me once again pulling me down into the depths of despair and guilt.
He hates me, it was so clear in his eyes. Not just him but everyone, and rightfully so, after all they still believed I ditched them.
I had known that they would react this way, it was a so blatantly obvious that it was impossible not to see it. Yet I had let my stupid heart get hopeful, and when hopes get shattered they bring tears with them.
Throughout the dance performance, my eyes were set only on him, sitting in the first row looking confused and lost at the same time. Did the mask I had adorned to hide my features remind him as much of our first meeting as it had reminded me when I first laid my eyes on it.
Did he remember me? Did he miss me? Did he even once think about me??? The questions remain a mystery to me carefully guarded behind those mesmerising eyes that refuse to reveal anything. I can only speak for myself. For me there was never a day I didn't miss him by my side, not an hour where I didn't wish that things had turned out differently, not a minute I didn't want to slip my hand in his and look for reassurance in those eyes that once seemed to overflow with love for me and not a moment when I don't pray for his comforting touch instead of the ever-present void in my heart.
He still thinks I used him, and the words that come out of his mouth feel like acid being poured on my wounds. Sometimes I just want to go there and tell him the truth but I don't want him to feel any guilt or that he is in anyway indebted to me when it is clearly the other way around. I want to start afresh and be able to fulfill his dream and earn his trust once again, so that I can finally relive the sweet memories we created together, without the look of humiliation and betrayal on his face from that day haunting me.
I might be selfish but I want us back, I want our love back, I want to create new memories together, I want him to give me his signature breathtaking smile that he kept only for me rather than hurt and sadness that presently clouds his features and I will do it no matter what it takes. It seems almost unreal right now, like a far-off dream, but I know I can do it, specially with Swayam beside me who would never let me give up and would always be there to cheer me on.
That's all for today really, nothing but me being the emotional wreck I seem to have become. I already feel so emotionally exhausted and the day has only started. I've even lost the pink scarf I was carrying earlier because I'm so jittery inside. Goodbye for now
Kriya
Edited by medha_is_me - 12 years ago
Ye Hai Mohabbatein
Anupamaa
Dr Aarambhi
